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Nose against the Barons; m&f; Robin Hood Fic - (2 Parts)

count tiszula

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Nearly six months ago a request was made for a Robin Hood fic; finally it has percolated through to my brain; though I fear it will not be as required.


"Quick, Robin, tie me up and bind me," cried Maid Marian. Nothing loth,Robin ripped off one of her skirts and tore it into strips, tying her hands behind her;thenbinding her to the slim central pillar in this tower room high in Nottingham Castle.

"haste", she added; "the sheriff is on his way to taunt you. Take my chatelaine, and use the great key to the sally port. The sheriff will think you have overpowered me and escaped." But iron-shod steps could be heard on the staircase outside. "You cannot get out. They will set the whole castle against you if you are seen."

"I'll hide behind the arras," Chuckled Robin. The doorlatch clanged; the sheriff entered, bearing a costly golden vessel inlaid with much jewels and ornament. Behind, a page carried a huge steaming gold tureen of chicken soup.

"Well,"laughed the sheriff." Iwaqs to share this bounty with the scroundrel Hood; but I see he churlishly rejects my offer; well, the guards will retrieve him in time for his mess of dilligrout; and you, my dear, must join me in th e noblest game of all". Hemade to undo her bonds, but stopped, his sallow aquiline face in hers." Nay, it will be better to keep you like this. For now." He gestured to the page, who placed the tureen on the table.

"A fine potion, that is, pottage of chicken. But here "and he raised the huge golden device, "something I wager you've not tasted before; a strange and powerful spice from the Indies; they name it 'Piper', and this inlaid pilgrimage mill grinds it ecxeeding small." He raised the great mill, and turned its handle, set with a jewelled knop showing St Martha at the stirring-spoon. A great cloud of tiny motes of pwder burst out ofthe mill, flying in all directions. At once the sheriff's thin, pale face looked pained, and his long, narrow, bumpy nose began to work and twitch. His head tilted bck; mouth open, eyes closed.

"Ithink I'm..Hah...going to...Hah..." he bagan. "HAH-SHCHOOOOM". His head shot forward, he almost dropped the spice-mill, and absently passed it to the page.

"HAH-SHCHOOOM!, he repeated, catching the sneeze in his cupped hands. "HAH-SHCHOOOM, HAH-SHCHOOOMMMM!!"o

Behind the arras, depicting Roland blowing his horn while Oliver stared at it aghast, Robin stood against cold stonewall. The cloud of tickly grains was all round him, penetrationg his finely chiselled nostrils.

"Whate'er betide," het thought, "I must not sneeze. If I do, I shall be discovered from my hiding place, so loud and manly are my sneezes."

Immobile, arms pinned to her side, Maid Marian too felt a few grains tickle hwer delicate, turned-up nose. Such a tiny tickle would not normally worry her, but being unable to rub or scratch her mobile nostrils with either hand, it began to feel sneezy. Her freckled alae she wrinkled up to try and dislodge the grains, but it only seemed to bring them further up inside; one touched a particularly sensitive spot, which made her nares involuntarily flare . Her nostrils began to moisten, and without thinking, she sniffed. At once the slight tickle became really sneezy. The sheriff righted himself and stepped forward.

"Why, my dear; is a blush mantling your cheek? Your delightful freckles seem to be multiplying; your eyes, always, bright, are gleaming. Can that be a tear? 'I loved the very tears i caused to flow', as they say. Or are you going to sneeze? Yes, your little nostrils are quite round with desire."

"Nah..No,"Stammred the Maid "I'm....I'm not going to sneeze in any way."

Robin heard, and wished it were true of him. He cursed the ring-mail he wore; if he moved his arms too quickly, if his strong chest jerked with a sudden gasp, his mail would jingle and his gorget clank. Slowly he raised his left hand and pressed his index finger under his nose. But the dredfultickle would not stop. All he could do was hold his breath and hope it would go away.

"Not sneezing, my dear? Are you sure?" The sheriff brought his face foewrad and, staring into her watering eyes and smiling sardoniclly, raised his long , pale hand to hr fluttering nostrils. lHe touched his long, thin index finger against t he edge of her left nostriland gently rubbed, Marain felt the sneeziness suddenly increase an hundredfold. She longed for the blessed relief of a really big sneeze, and it seemed to he r thet it was not a pleasure worth foregoing. though she would enjoy it, she felt, it would be so messy that even the lascivious sheriff would be disgusted. With delicious relaxation she surrendered to the tickle and let her nostrils spread to their widest. There was a moment of calm as she relished the feel of the finger torturoing her nose, then she felt her nascent breasts begin to heave.

"Huh..." she began, "HUH.. HahTCHOOOOH!" A soft spray burst from her lips and struck the sheriff's sallow face. "HAH-TISHHOOOOO!" To her surprise, ratehr than withdraw his head, he stood his ground, a beatific expression giving his bumpy features a handsome look. "Hah-CHISHAAAAAAH!" she continued, drenching his quivering hand.

"My dear," he almost whipered, " you need to wipe your little nose with a kerchief." Hereached up and untied the fine linen kerchief that contained her hair, pulling it down till it gently caressed her wet nostrils.

More soon

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Whan Robin heard Marian's graceful, feminine sneezes, he thought he was undone. The power of suggestion was such that the tickle in his own nose doubled. Both his hands had crept up to his face, one pinching his nostrils tight shut, the other clamped over his tight shut mouth. His fate and Marian's depended on his not sneezing. But how could he not?


"HARRRASSHOOOO!" The sheriff span round, hand on sword-hilt.

It was the page. His sudden sneeze shook his whole body, and the spice-mill slipped from his grip and crashed to the rushes. A new cloud of dusty spices, or spicy dust, flew into the air.

"Dolt!" snapped his master. "I've told you; warn me before you sneeze, or you'll feel my riding-crop on your hose".

"I...." muttered the lad. "I'm gah...going to snah......HARRROOOOSHCH!"

It was the last straw for Robin. A feeling of utter inevitability spread from his nose throughout his body. Just a matter of time until he sneezed, and such an enormous sneeze he would be discovered. The knowledge almost relaxed him; as he felt his diaphragm lower and his strong chest heave, his brain cleared. For what seemed an age he remained with his lungs bursting, then

"HA-HMPHSHCH!" Even stifled with both hands, the sneeze rang out like Roland's horn. Again the sheriff span round, drawing h is sword with a scraping ring. He lunged.

"How now, a rat?" he hissed, thrusting thrice through the image of Roland's horn. "Dead, for a ducat, dead."

"Help, help ho, screamed Marian.

"HAR-KHASHOOOO!" A fine, uncovered sneeze burst from by the window. The sheriff started and tried to turn yet again, but his blade caught in the cloth, offbalancing him. With a bound Robin sprang from behind the far end of the arras, sword drawn, and rushed the sheriff, who could hardly get his arm up in time for a glancing parry, and backed towarsd the door. The page, however, engaged Robin, who soon found himself fencing with two opponents, as so often.

"Have at you, you Sah-hah-HAHSHCHOOOM; Saxon dog" cried the sheriff.

"Saxon indeed, but my family ruled this land when yours were tanners in the slums of Bah-huh...HAHRKKHHASHOOO!"; Bayeux." Robin effortleessly disarmed the page. "Know you not that I am Robert of Huh-huh-HUHCHISHOOOOO: Huntingdon, heir to Waltheof, Earl of Huntingdon,the last Saxon earl". With a swift blow he severed Maid Marian's bonds.

"In my veins runs the blood of St Margaret Atheling, of the line of Ethelred the Uh...Uh..UHSHCHOOO!: Unready." Stealthily, Marian picked up the heavy gold spice-mill and brought it down on the pge's head. Leaping through another cloud of dust, she repeated the procedure, and felled the sheriff with a mighty dint.

Robin grasped he r to his bosom; she sneezed gracefully all over it; "Aaaaah-TISHOOOOO!"

"No time for that," said Robin. "Now, take your chatelaine and get out by the sally-port. Meet me by the blasted larch. We must hide out in the greenwood a while. As for me...." He leapt nimbly to the window-seat, raised his arms swashbuckleringly, and executed a perfect jack-knife into the moat fifty feet below.

"Oh, Robin," sniffed Maid Marian, "You'll catch your death of cold," She picked up the cauldron of pottage of chicken, and , as an afterthought retrieved the dented spice mill, and hurried down the stair.

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Nearly six months ago a request was made for a Robin Hood fic; finally it has percolated through to my brain; though I fear it will not be as required.

Great ! Why are you always so modest :P ?

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