First time I've regretted telling someone

[threedaysofrain]

I'm really angry and upset right now. At myself, more than anything.

I should have known better than to tell my mom about the fetish- the rational approach would have been to just keep it to myself. However, she's my best friend, and knows virtually everything there is to know about me....she has always accepted me for who I am more than anyone else in my life. She hasn't ever judged me in the least.

I got the urge to tell her one day a couple of months ago when we were having an intimate conversation about something, so I did. We have always been open about sex with one another- not graphic, mind you, but she's always very open about everything, sex-related things included. I have told her things in the past that would make most moms cringe, and we've just laughed over it. I suppose I should have realized that there are some things you can't even tell the ones closest to you. I've always been so open about the fetish anyway, so it seemed like the right thing to do at the time- but now I am slowly starting to regret how open I have been.

She reacted decently at first- she didn't think it was that weird, I thought....although she did ask if I could get aroused without sneezing. Of course, I told her yes....because sneezing has always just been an added bonus to me, and I explained this to her. We didn't really get into much depth, and haven't talked about it since. A couple of times when I was at her house I used her computer and visited the forum, which also seems to have been a mistake on my part.

I just had a long phone conversation with her that ended badly. She was expressing her concern and worry over how I've lived my life thus far- like many mothers do- about all the chances I have taken that she supposedly didn't take near as much when she was my age. Chances like drinking, the drugs I've tried in the past, piercings/tattoos, etc etc. We were getting pretty heated, although not really angry at each other- she was just very worked up and expressing to me that she just has higher expectations of me than she had for herself. However, when she was talking about all the areas of life nowadays that make it easier for me to get into trouble/take risks than it was for her, she listed "wierd sex websites with sneezing." I stopped her and was like "wait a second, WHAT?"

She told me she had found this site after I had been over one day. I felt so horribly stupid and embarrassed and told her it wasn't a sex website, merely a place for me to go to talk to others like me. I told her that it helps me feel not so strange and different from everyone else, because of the fetish. I was hoping she would be more understanding (because she's typically a really compassionate and understanding person) about the fact that I like to sometimes socialize with friends and others who are like me...but I guess that was too much to hope for. I was completely taken aback and shocked when she said to me:

"Why can't you just have normal sex?"

Ouch. That one kinda stung, just a bit. I got angry and hurt and was about to try to explain to her that I DO have normal sex....that it doesn't revolve around sneezing in the least, but then I just got so flustered that I just decided it wasn't worth it to try and explain myself and just hung up on her. Besides, what IS normal in this day and age, anyway? Why do I have to be "normal?"

I realize the fetish sets us apart from everyone else- but then again, in this era, there are much weirder things to be seen, esp. in relation to sex. You would think she would be relieved that it's JUST sneezing.....and that she would realize that having a fetish doesn't mean that sneezing is the only thing that gets me going. But maybe I didn't know her as well as I thought- which, after knowing her my whole life, is a sad thing to say. It's possible she just got caught up in the heat of worrying about me...but really, was it appropriate for her to bring it up in such a fashion?

Now I don't know what to say to her, or do about the situation. I have never felt so ridiculously stupid. I think it may be because I respect her so much, and this was the last thing I expected from her, so now it leaves me feeling like a crazy weirdo that apparently is not the least bit normal. I mean, I know that I'm not a normal person, and I like it that way, and accept myself for who I am, as does everyone else in my life. Usually, she does too. But now, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

[vote_for_pedro]

Damn.

Maybe she's still digesting this information. I know you said you told her a couple of months ago, but maybe she needs more time to accept it. Finding out someone did drugs, or had crazy one-night stands isn't overly strange these days, so it was probably less weird for her to hear about. My mom knows about my experiences with drugs, alcohol, and cheap sex too. I'm pretty sure if I told her about the fetish it would freak her out, though. I like to think that eventually she'd just deal with it. She would never understand it, and I wouldn't expect her to. But she might get over it. I don't know. I don't have the nerve to do what you did, so I'll probably never find out. But if she's your best friend, I think your friendship will mend despite your confession. I certainly hope so.

[shy_obsession]

Man, that really sucks, especially when you hear it from someone you care about so much. First of all, please don't blame yourself. In my opinion, it is her problem for misunderstanding your fetish, not yours. Sometimes you just have to accept that people who don't experience something firsthand will never fully be able to understand it. It's frustrating and it can hurt like I'm sure it did for you, but it's how people are. Try not to feel guilty about visiting the forum or having a seemingly odd fetish. You still know there are so many people like you and we'll always understand.

[threedaysofrain]

Thanks guys. That means a lot to me.

It's not that I feel too guilty...I guess I just had to find out the hard way that people fear what they don't understand, so therefore, they condemn it most of the time. Or maybe I knew this, but never experienced it firsthand like I just did until now.

I think we'll be fine and figure things out. If it were anyone but her, I would tell them to screw off, but since I value her opinion so much....it's a little harder.

Thanks again for the support!

[The Dude]

I'd echo what VFP said. You've basically confessed something to her that up until now was completely alien to her worldview, so don't hold it against her if she initially reacts to it with a certain degree of weirdness. She probably just needs some time to digest it is all. Most people don't have an intimate enough relationship with their parents to even get to that point in the first place, so consider that a huge plus.

Anyway, she sounds like a really cool, understanding person, so I'm sure it'll smooth over.

[Secret98]

I told my mother once a couple of years ago, when it seemed like I could trust her and stuff. After that somethings happened (I don't want to get into details ) Since then I've hoped that she forgot, because I never brought it up again. I think she forgot, but not sure. I don't like it when people have a responce to this fetish the way your mother did. I had a friend who responded by saying to me, "Dang, I ain't sneezing in front of you!" Made me feel really bad

I hope things go better later on with you and your mom Maybe when yous arent so angry with each other you can explain it to her... Try explaining to her that there are alot worse fetishes out there than sneezing.

[simply_me]

Well let me first start off by saying that I feel sympathetic for you and know exactly how you feel. Parents are just so...worried about their children that they don't usually say what they mean. Sometimes they do yes, but other times they're so caught up in trying to keep you safe that they freak out. You know?

I felt hurt for you when I read this. Obviously your mother wasn't pleased with it, or perhaps she was in too much of a mood that the words slipped out. I don't know, I'm not her, but let me tell you that you aren't strange or weird or different. You don't have to be normal, in fact normal is dull and just...ordinary. Of course these sites aren't "sex" sites. They aren't PORN or anything. Come on! You just wanted to talk to people who could relate to what you feel. She needs to understand that it's harder to find (and talk to) people about your fetish in real life. It's much easier to talk about it over the internet and in the privacy of an account.

My mother often reacts the same way. She wonders why I can't be like the normal girls my age, or why I often spend my times on the computer and referring back to these sites. (I haven't told her about my fetish, but I'm sure she's figuring it out.) It hurts yes, especially since my mother is the last person I'd think to put me down like that. But sometimes, people get caught up in the moment and they say the WEIRDEST things. I've accidentally said hurtful things that I really didn't mean. It all comes to the specific moment.

I wouldn't take what she said to heart, though it might be hard not too. I suggest talking to her in a few days, sort things out. You don't have to take my advice at all, they are merely suggestions. This might be a bunch of rambling to you and it probably will be to me by tomorrow. I'm a bit tired, but trust me, I still have enough brain-cells to write this.

If this doesn't help, spit on it.

Just know I feel for you and I hope you work this out.

-Simply_me

[Trillium]

Hopefully I can offer another perspective -- the "mom" perspective -- given that I'm probably as old as your mom.

Much of your mom's concern may come from her general distrust of the Internet, because she's not grown up with it as women of your generation have. She may be afraid that you will strike up a relationship with someone via the Internet, meet that person, and come to a bad end. (The media likes to highlight those type of stories and whip people up into a general panic about the evils of the Net and the sexual predators to be found there, trolling for fresh meat.) But most of all, it sounds like she just wants you to avoid risks that she believes may harm you irreparably.

Perhaps, if the subject ever comes up again, you could reassure her that you are being extremely careful, that you know that she's concerned about you and that you're taking every precaution. Maybe you could even say that, if you were to ever think about meeting someone from the SFF, you would tell her, or take a friend, or both, just to make sure that you're safe. That might be going a little far, but it's something to consider.

And I think unfortunately you're right, that people fear what they don't understand, and therefore condemn it. (You see that everyday, in people being homophobic, for example, who have never even met a gay person.) Over time, hopefully your mom will come to understand this aspect of you and accept it as a natural part of you. and it sounds like you have a good enough relationship with her that that will probably occur in due time.

I wish you the best.

[threedaysofrain]

Fuck normal. You darling are beautiful, and special, and amazing, and the best kind of friend a person could ask for. And don't you ever forget it. I appreciate you BECAUSE of your strangeness, not despite it.

It sounds like the relationship you have with your mom is a lot like the one I have with my dad. And I can only imagine how crushed I would have been if he had said something like that after I had informed him of this fetish. I'd feel like... I didn't know who he was anymore. Hopefully your mom was just angry at the time and said something in the heat of the moment that she didn't mean. I would give it some time so you can both coll down a bit then when you feel ready, try to explain to her what you explained to us.

Awwwww. *GLOMP of doom* You make me so happy inside! Thank you so much for all the kind words and support!

I def. feel better about the situation now. I mean, it's not resolved yet, but I'm much more optimistic about it. I love you to pieces, darling!!!

And simplyme, Trillium- you guys rock my pants off. Thanks so much for offering sympathy and advice. I think I'll use what both of you said and take it to heart. I think you're right in that I shouldn't take it personally, simplyme, and I'm trying harder not too. I'm going to let it blow over, and then talk to her about it in a few days.

Trillium- it was nice to hear it from the other side of it, a mom's perspective. This helped clear my head a bit and put myself in her shoes. I can see why she is so worried, with so many dangers lurking on the internet and everywhere else...I guess it was a little harder to look at it that way when she first said it. I understand her fear, and have told her before that I am being careful...but maybe I havent stressed it enough. I think maybe it was just her choice of words that hurt me...but I think she may have said it without thinking, because she was worried. I'll take your advice and try to reassure her a little bit more. Thank you so much!!

[JellyBelly]

Aww I'm so sorry you had to have this happen!

I don't really know what to say, but don't feel embarassed for being yourself!

I hope that things between you and your mum improve. Maybe she just needs some time and was angry in the heat of the moment.

[Niceguy]

"Why can't you just have normal sex?"

Now I don't know what to say to her, or do about the situation.

I think "What the #^(% are are you talking about?" would have been my response. Followed by "Exactly how the #^(% DO you think I live my life anyway?" and with a "Do you honestly believe you have the moral authority to judge me? You arrogant..." thrown in for good measure. Well... I've had enough conversations go this way, which is to say - at least one, that I just don't bother dealing with my parents concerning matters like this. (Or of any significance.)

Don't get me wrong - they love me dearly. But they are perfectly useless to go to for advice, or to confide in. I've never once not regreted doing either. Thankfully I've never come within 100 miles of this topic with them.

3Days... it's good that you are close to your mom that way. I think the best way to deal with the situation (if you plan to at all) would be to probe deeper. Find out what's really bothering her. If she has concerns about the fetish, let her air them, but I'd be surprised if that's really what the trouble is. Give her some room to not accept unconditionally you for a few minutes, and I'm sure she'll come back around. (And don't do like I would have (above) that's not very productive. Fun, but not productive.) And don't feel bad about telling her that you've been hurt by the situation. It's one way of letting her know that how she feels matters to you. That you want her to be part of your life and to be close with. If you didn't care (like I don't) after all, you wouldn't have been hurt.

My 2 cents anyway.

(Damn. Now I'm broke.)

[threedaysofrain]

"Why can't you just have normal sex?"

Now I don't know what to say to her, or do about the situation.

I think "What the #^(% are are you talking about?" would have been my response. Followed by "Exactly how the #^(% DO you think I live my life anyway?" and with a "Do you honestly believe you have the moral authority to judge me? You arrogant..." thrown in for good measure. Well... I've had enough conversations go this way, which is to say - at least one, that I just don't bother dealing with my parents concerning matters like this. (Or of any significance.)

Don't get me wrong - they love me dearly. But they are perfectly useless to go to for advice, or to confide in. I've never once not regreted doing either. Thankfully I've never come within 100 miles of this topic with them.

3Days... it's good that you are close to your mom that way. I think the best way to deal with the situation (if you plan to at all) would be to probe deeper. Find out what's really bothering her. If she has concerns about the fetish, let her air them, but I'd be surprised if that's really what the trouble is. Give her some room to not accept unconditionally you for a few minutes, and I'm sure she'll come back around. (And don't do like I would have (above) that's not very productive. Fun, but not productive.) And don't feel bad about telling her that you've been hurt by the situation. It's one way of letting her know that how she feels matters to you. That you want her to be part of your life and to be close with. If you didn't care (like I don't) after all, you wouldn't have been hurt.

My 2 cents anyway.

(Damn. Now I'm broke.)

Well I appreciate you giving me your last 2 cents. In fact, your advice was helpful, because I did probe deeper and found out it was about something else. I think things will work out ok. Thank you so much for everything you said!

[Honkytonklagoon]

I did probe deeper and found out it was about something else. I think things will work out ok.

Well, it's nice to know things are looking better at this point. I was feeling badly as I read what happened to you -- and so many of the comments people wrote were thoughtful and right on. Things I would have wanted to say to you, but no longer need to.

But what is this "something else"?????? Another fetish? No. Wait! I don't want to know!!!!

[Sneesee]

I did probe deeper and found out it was about something else. I think things will work out ok. Thank you so much for everything you said!

Hmm, if she's anything like my mom, she lets other things interfere with her relationship with me. I once ignored my mom for over a month, and then when I finally did talk to her, she said she lashed out at me because she was mad at my sister. Anyway, enough of that.

I do applaud you for telling her, because that is one person I would never, EVER tell. In fact, I never discuss anything sexual with my mom at all. The woman woul dnever be able to handle it. Plus, like Trillium said, my mom is always weary when she hears me say things about people I've met on the internet. There is a slight generation gap, and some people just don't understand our need to group together and discuss our common interest on the internet.

And, I agree with everyone else on here when I say that this fetish and this forum are so harmless, it isn't even funny. So, you could be a lot worse. Parents always want better for their children than they had, so your mom may just need more time to accept this knowledge. She wants to know she did a good job of raising you, and when she finds out something like this, she worries, that's all.

I'm glad that all of this hasn't stopped you from staying here. Perhaps you just won't be visiting this site from her computer anymore, huh? We all adore you and support you. I don't care what your mom says about you!

[Trillium]

Well I appreciate you giving me your last 2 cents. In fact, your advice was helpful, because I did probe deeper and found out it was about something else. I think things will work out ok. Thank you so much for everything you said!

Aha, the old "I'm crabby about something so it will just color all my interactions with everyone today so you better watch out."

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

Glad your relationship with your mom is on the mend.

[sneeze catcher]

Hopefully I can offer another perspective -- the "mom" perspective -- given that I'm probably as old as your mom.

Much of your mom's concern may come from her general distrust of the Internet, because she's not grown up with it as women of your generation have. She may be afraid that you will strike up a relationship with someone via the Internet, meet that person, and come to a bad end. (The media likes to highlight those type of stories and whip people up into a general panic about the evils of the Net and the sexual predators to be found there, trolling for fresh meat.) But most of all, it sounds like she just wants you to avoid risks that she believes may harm you irreparably.

Perhaps, if the subject ever comes up again, you could reassure her that you are being extremely careful, that you know that she's concerned about you and that you're taking every precaution. Maybe you could even say that, if you were to ever think about meeting someone from the SFF, you would tell her, or take a friend, or both, just to make sure that you're safe. That might be going a little far, but it's something to consider.

And I think unfortunately you're right, that people fear what they don't understand, and therefore condemn it. (You see that everyday, in people being homophobic, for example, who have never even met a gay person.) Over time, hopefully your mom will come to understand this aspect of you and accept it as a natural part of you. and it sounds like you have a good enough relationship with her that that will probably occur in due time.

I wish you the best.

Great advise here. I think that's the problem with most parents coming from the age of radio schack computers with the 5 1/2 floppy diskette. Maximum storage capacity was 2 paragraphs. Wow that wasn't that long ago either. Anyway parents need to be comforatble with the thought their children are safe. Under any conditions. Communication end wars. Not guns. Good luck.....

[Dawnie]

Anyway, parents need to be comforatble with the thought their children are safe.

That's all we can hope and pray for.

[Daphine]

I'm really sorry that happend to you . I really wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I don't think I can say anything that other members havn't already said. I think that you have gotten some very good advice from members of this community and I really hope that it will in some way help.

I truely feel for you and hope that things workout between you and your mother.

In the mean time please take care.