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Roadside rescue (f), moderately high gooey factor


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Since I’ve been out of work, I usually have a lot of free time during the day, when I’m not “volunteering”, so I was driving down the road, heading towards a nice bookstore to catch up on new releases. I noticed I needed to get some gas, so I pulled over to the right lane as I approached the highway entrance. I got caught at the stop light, and looked back into my rear view mirror. In it, I saw this pretty brunette, with a very classic short hair cut, staring out ahead. One thing about watching people in the rear view mirror is you can see quite a lot of them, but they can see very little of you – it’s a good way to people watch without attracting attention. In her case, she looked a little disheveled, and face looked a little odd, like her makeup was slightly off. I looked back up to check the status of the light, and heard a quick honk from behind. The light was still red, so I looked back into the mirror. I couldn’t see her, so she must have bent over for a second, but as I continued watching, her head came back up, and her face was scrunched up. She turned her head towards the passenger’s side, cocked it back, and sneezed. I’ve never seen anyone sneeze through my rear view window. As her head went forward in with the sneeze, I heard the short horn blast again, and saw the passenger side of the windshield fog out slightly. The sneeze must have forced her into the horn, and the spray went all over the windshield. Looked up again, the light was still red, so I looked back again. I saw her duck her head down again, guessing she was looking for some tissues or something. Her head came back up, face in pre-sneeze mode, and she cut loose again, honking and spraying the driver’s side windshield this time. I checked the light again, saw the it had turned green, and went through the intersection. I noticed she was driving a blue Grand Am, and she turned onto the highway.

I got my gas, and crossed back to get on the highway. About a half mile along, I saw the Grand Am off the road, down the embankment. I figured it must be her, and pulled over as I came up to it. It had gone over a small dirt ridge, and looked stuck. As I got out of my car, the woman was standing beside the car.

“Are you OK?” I shouted over the highway noise. She was not looking at me, and yelled, in a horse voice, “Don’t come to close, I’m going to snee-“, followed by a simple yet powerful “AHHHHHHH, CHOOOOOOSSS”. I stopped in my tracks. Her body was into it, arching backward during the inhale, and pushing forward with the gusty blast capped by a huge spray that blasted out forward from her. I started to walk closer, and she yelled again, “Do-don’t walk in fr-front of me. A-another sneee,” and then came two more sneezes, with large sprays. She probably was dressed up very nicely when she started, in a very nice suit and skirt, with white stockings and low heel shoes, but looked like the sneezing had gotten the better of her. Likely some of the sneezes in the car must have wet her. Her face was oval, and slightly tanned. She had beautiful blue eyes, even though the redness of her attack showed through and a nice, straight nose – she probably had a nice smile, but not at the moment. She was wearing some mascara and lipstick, but both were pretty well smeared.

“Look, are you OK?” I yelled again. “Doesn’t look like there’s any damage to the car...” I continued to walk closer to her, as three more sneezes issued forth. They were all the same, powerful and very wet. And no lost or stifled sneezes – once she cranked up, she cut loose. As I got closer, I stayed out of her personal space was standing by the end of her car. “I need to get closer so we don’t have to shout,” I said. She looked at me, her eyes were tearing up, “OK, but I don’t want to slime you,” she said. She was sobbing. She continued, “I’m ok, but things are all fucked up now,” and she started crying softly. “I’m late and couldn’t stop. I sneezed so much in the car, I ran off the road,” she finished.

“You’re OK, the car’s OK. I can call for help on my cell,” I said “This’ll get straightened out,” I tried to assure her. “You don’t understand,” she replied, gravelly. I walked up to her, when she abruptly turned away from me, facing the car directly, and fired a sneeze at the passenger side window. She hauled off with two more sneezes, spraying the window. She cursed, “God damn it, when’s it going to stop!” and cried more intensely.

I asked her where she was going. She said she had flown in for an interview with a semiconductor company and it had been a disaster from the start. She had left some important papers back at school, her flight was delayed so she didn’t arrive until after midnight, the rental booth was closed so it took her an hour to get her car, and the hotel they booked her into was on the wrong side of town, near the other plant the company has. She had started sneezing right after she got out of the shower, and she been sneezing non-stop since. “This is the only interview I have, and I’m graduating in December, and the market is really bad right now and I need this job,” she finished, with a big sniffle.

I understood the poor job market completely. It’s why I’m still out of a job. I introduced myself, and she told me her name was Betsy. I put my hand out for a handshake, and she put hers out, but then she noticed that it was slimed up and dropped it. I dropped mine. I asked her for the number of her rental car company, and she got the packet from the front seat, handing it to me. I saw her wipe her hand on the seat before she picked up the packet. I called their emergency service number, and while I was waiting on hold, she turned around from me and the car and cut loose with another three sneezes. She checked her watch, and when I told her it would be at least 45 minutes until they could get there, she started sobbing.

“I need to be at the plant in 30 minutes, and I look like crap,” she said between the sobs. I told the emergency guy the situation, and there was nothing he could do. I thanked him and hung up.

“This is what we’re going to do,” I said, taking command, so to speak. “We’ll put a note in the car, lock it up, and leave it here. You can call for service later today, and get someone to bring you back here. Who are you going to interview with, anyway?” I asked.

She told me. It turns out the she was talking to the engineering group I used to run at that company, and the hiring manager was someone who used to work for me and was a friend of mine. “OK, I know those guys, and someone there will definitely help you later. In the meantime, if we get going right now, we can make it over there only a little late.”

Betsy looked at me. “That would be too-too much trouble. Oh, no - move,” she said. I got out of the way during the inhale, and she sneezed right by me, this time with droplets that caught me slightly as they passed by. “No trouble,” I said. “ I’m just goofing off today anyway.”

We got the paper floor mat out of the car, which was a little damp, and wrote on the back that the car would be moved later today. I got out my organizer, and looked up the guy she was going to see – I had kept all the phone numbers and pager numbers, even though it had been a couple of years since I was in the group, just in case I had to contact them myself. I put his and his admin’s name and number on it for reference, and we put it on the windshield of the car. She asked me why I knew so much about these guys, and I explained that I’d run that group for almost 3 years before I moved on to run another lab in Arizona. “This job will eventually move me to Europe!” she said with excitement.

She got her remaining stuff from her car, hands filled with briefcase, purse, and some papers, as she started walking towards my car. She started panicking again, “I’m going to be late, and I look so bad.”

“Don’t worry, they’ll understand once you explain,” I said. “Yeah, they’ll understand but just not give me the job,” she said. “And if I can’t stop sneezing, it’ll just be the icing on the cake.”

And on queue, she scrunched her face, looked down to see her hands occupied, and actually stifled a sneeze, “AHHHH, CHUUUP”. And stifled a second one. She looked at me desperately, “Pul-please take this st-stuff. I can’t ho-hold it back, and it’s go-going to be really goo-gooey na-na...” I walked over, grabbed her stuff. “nnnnAAAA…” Her eyes closed, her head went back as her back arched. I got out of the way just as she unleashed a volley of four sneezes, right at my car, “CHOOOO, AHHHCHOOOO, AHHHHCHOO, AHHHCHOOO”. The first one and third sneeze were goo “comets”, smacking into the passenger window and splattering. The second and fourth were just big sprays, coating up the goo impact “craters”. She stopped and pulled in a big sniffle. Her nose was running, as she asked me to get a tissue out of her purse, which I did and gave to her. She blew her nose hard and got to the door. Both of us got into the car at the same time.

She put my briefcase, which was in the front seat, on her lap. I put her stuff on the back seat. I told her she could move my briefcase back there, but she said it was alright. She was still sniffing and sobbing, and I wanted to lighten thing up. “Where do you get so much snot? You’re not that big a person,” I said jokingly, trying to make a little fun of the situation. I started the engine, and pulled out onto the highway.

Finally, Betsy laughed a little. “You’d think so, huh?” she said. “This is a perfect storm situation for me. Nerves, a cold, and allergies all at once. My ears plugged up on the flight here, so I can’t hold back the sneezes without blowing out my eardrums,” she explained. “I normally don’t sneeze like this in public, I try to hold back and cover up, but in the car this morning, I couldn’t cover up, and when we were outside, I just wanted to try to blow it out. What do you have in the air in this town?”

“Everything, I think. Molds, pollen, pollution; a trifecta of sorts. Air you can trust since you can see it,” I said. “Might be a problem for you if you move here.”

“But I want this job. It’s a great opportunity to do what I want to do and travel, too,” she said nervously but determined. “I don’t want to screw it up.”

“Do you always sneeze like that?” I asked.

“If you mean as wet as that, yep,” she continued. “It’s my mutant power, since I turned 14. My sneezes are strong, but between my head and chest, I must make pounds of goo. When my allergies act up or I have a cold, I’ll just keep sneezing until I’m empty. Then I refill in a few minutes and start again. I’ve lost friends and been roasted because of it. People usually avoid me when I start in. They used to call me “Snotty” or stuff like that, but the one I was always partially to was “Goo Girl,” she said sarcastically. “It sounded the coolest, if I wanted to be a superhero. That’s about as much of an upside as there is, unless I go into crime fighting and stop criminals by blowing them against a wall and plastering there with a volley of goo sneezing, or someone creates a sport of projectile sneezing goo balls for distance.”

Knowing the work she’d be doing, I said, “Well, clean rooms will be a good place for you to work.”

“Yeah, actually I like spending lots of time smocked up, to stay in the filtered air environment,” she said. She proceeded to cough a couple of times, and took a deep, long sniffle. “I need another tissue.” She undid her safety belt, and twisted to reach over the seat to get at her purse in the back. My briefcase slipped off her lap and its contents were dumped on the floor. She turned back around with a tissue and a mirror and put her seatbelt back on. She blew her nose loudly, mulching the tissue, and was going to put the mulch in her pocket. “You can put that in the ash tray – keep your pocket clean,” I said.

She gave two tentative sniffs, and looked into the mirror she brought back. “I look terrible!” she said with the sob back in her voice. “They’ll never –,” she stopped. “Fuck, my nose is itching again,” she said with a panic. “A car is too small a place for me to sneeze.” She stared inhaling and exhaling loudly. “I’ve got to get your stuff back into the briefcase!” as she bent over and picked up the papers.

“Calm down. Everything will be ok,” I told her, but she sat back up, squinting, twitching her nose. “It’s coming, and I can’t st-stop it. Tiss-ssues, quick!” As she squirmed around, she was caught in the seatbelt and had my stuff now in her lap. “AHHHHH,” eyes closed, head back, I took her shoulder with my right hand and faced her forward as I started over to the side of the road. “CHOOOOO”, with her spray all over the windshield on her side, and reflecting back with the gust onto herself and me.

I knew I had a towel on the floor in the back, that I used to clean the inside car windows. As I pulled to a stop, I undid my seatbelt and tried to reach behind to get it, but she was already into her sneeze, “AHHHHHH.” Without anything else I could do, I cupped both of my hands and put them in front of her face, to cover up for her. “CHHHOOOO,” she exploded into my hands. It was like catching a glass of syrup. I closed the cup after her blast was complete, and swung my hands back over the seat. “I guess I know what a goo ball feels like,” I quipped, pretending to have the situation under control. I grabbed the towel and wiped the goo off my hands. “There must’ve been a half pound of snot in that one,” I said jokingly.

“I-I’m so-so sor-sorry,” she whimpered. “But they’re out of-of-of con-cont-trol.” She started into her pre-sneeze inhale, and I handed her the towel. “I don’t know if it’ll stand up to your blasts, but sneeze into the towel,” I said. She pulled in a big gust, but blasted into the towel this time. And two more times after that.

“You done yet?” I asked. She said, “For the moment. Thanks…” she said looking at me. “I don’t know what I’d’ve done without you.” I looked at the watch, saw we still have 15 min to get there, but the trip was a little longer than that. “Look, we’re going to stop up ahead and get you cleaned up a bit, “ I continued. “It’ll make us a little later, but that’s ok. I’ll get in contact with the admin there and it’ll be fine”.

We drove into a shopping center and parked in front of the convenience store, and got out of the car. She handed me the towel, which I just tossed into the back. I handed her the purse, and told her to use the restroom in the store, while I went over to Starbucks to network in on my computer. As I went over to her side of the car, to get my computer which was still in the briefcase, she stopped while walking towards the store, and hauled off with another sneeze. How she could have any energy left for the interview was beyond me. These two attacks seemed to be triggered more by nerves than anything else, so I decided to take a different approach with her.

“OK, that’s more than enough,” I shouted. “Stop NOW. I think you can if you want to. If you keep worrying about sneezing, you’ll keep sneezing, apparently, and things will not work out the way you want. You’ve sneezed enough for today. Stop it. No more. Do you understand?”

She looked back and me, curiously, and said “OK,” very mousey. And she got into the store without another sneeze. I went to Starbuck and alpha paged my friend to tell him she’d be late. He replied asking why I would know this, and I said I’d explain later. I went back to the car, got in, and put my stuff back into my briefcase. The papers were remarkably dry, given what it had been exposed to. She came out of the store looking somewhat refreshed. She had cleaned up her blouse, dress, and jacket, and had redone her makeup. Her face and eyes were still red, and she did have some bags under her eyes, but overall, she looked good. As she got into the car, I told her that, which made her smile a little. “They had one of those hand blowers in there, so I was able to clean up and dry the clothes off.”

I told her that I’d confirmed that we’d be arriving late, started the car, and headed on down the road. I’d decided there’d be no talking about sneezing now. I asked her what school she was from, and found out it was my college rival. I asked her about the work she had been doing, and it sounded very interesting and relevant to what my friend would need. I knew her professor from a couple of conferences, and we talked about him and her experience working there. Overall, she sounded very capable and thoughtful, and she knew her subject well. By that point, we had arrived at the site. I pulled into the visitor’s lot.

“Do you mind if I come in with you for a moment. I haven’t seen John in a couple of years,” I asked. “Yeah, sure,” she said. We got her stuff out of the car, went into the lobby and paged him. “You’ll do fine today. Concentrate on your strengths but be honest about your weaknesses. Make sure you cover the specifics of your research. Technically, you sound great,” I told her. John came down to pick her up, and we shook hands. He didn’t know I was back in town; I told him we needed to get together for a beer to catch up.

“I found Betsy on the side of the road, this morning, with car trouble,” I said to him. “You need to talk to staffing and find out why they put her in a hotel near the southwest site anyway. She told me where she was going, and surprise, it was here, so I brought her over.”

“She’ll need some help later with the car; it’s still on the side of the road. She didn’t want to be late, very concerned about it. We talked on the way over, and she sounds just like the kind of person you need, with the right background. From what I heard, you’ll be lucky to get her.” I stopped, and nodded to him.

I pulled out my wallet, and gave her what currently goes for my “business” card. “Drop me an email; let me know how it goes.” She walked over to me and surprisingly, gave me a hug. “Thank you so much,” she whispered. “You goo, girl,” I whispered back, with a tiny laugh. “Good luck.” As we separated, she gave me the most incredible smile. She picked her stuff up, and both John and Betsy went into the office area. I saw her wave goodbye, and I returned the gesture.

It was a sunny day, and the smile lingered with me. I had the car washed, a full one with the inside and outside done. Later in the day, I looked and found her car gone. And I got an email the next day from her, and she thought the interview went great, after all. Thinking back on the smile, I was glad I met her.

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