Does anyone ever feel like this...?

[Natto]

I'm wondering if anyone else shares this feeling. I'll start working on one of the fics I have going--I have a fanfic going, and I've started a few originals which I haven't posted, because I can't finish them. The reason for this is that once I've been working on something for a while, I start to feel guilty. Like maybe there's something wrong with me for getting off on this kind of thing instead of things that are actually hot by the standards of normal people. I feel like I am re-enforcing something I should be trying to get rid of. Like writing these things is self-indulgent and pathetic and I should be working on projects I can show people I know. Or projects that will somehow help me advance an actual writing career.

I don't know. I know the fetish isn't a bad thing to have, and I usually don't feel like this. I just feel guilty about writing self-indulgent things that I'm embarrassed to talk about with anyone in my life. I usually talk about my writing a whole lot. I feel really conflicted about this. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

[LeapYearKisses]

I think your feelings are pretty normal. I, at least, have experienced feelings like that before. I also write sneezefic, but I write fanfiction for a more general audience on other sites as well. Sometimes when I haven't been posting on those sites, it's because I'm focusing on writing a sneezefic. I always feel a little strange when I can't explain why I was gone for so long. It's true; you can't tell most people you've been off writing fetish fic. Then again, at least in my case, there are few people I would tell the details of any of my fanfiction to anyway, but I'm lucky to have a few friends who understand where I'm coming from. They help me get over my guilt about supposedly wasting all my time writing fanfiction, because they appreciate my efforts. Having someone who understands your passion in real life is a huge benefit. I'm very lucky to have a wonderful sister who's also a die-hard writer to whom I can talk with about fandom and fanfiction (and the fetish). She keeps me from thinking it's a useless effort.

Fanfiction is an inherently self-indulgent medium, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. As long as you are happy with your writing, and if you are reaching the audience you want to reach, you shouldn't feel bad about not writing something else instead. The exercise of writing improves your skills no matter what the content is, especially if you learn how to edit and write drafts (this took me forever, as I never revised my writing until the end of high school... lol). If you post on here or other sites and ask for constructive criticism, you will be making yourself a better writer through fanfiction. Even if your sneezefics aren't something you could show to an editor, they are a step in the right direction, because in essence you are self-publishing and receiving feedback on them. When/if you do decide to turn to a writing career, the things you learned through posting fanfiction will still help you.

And you shouldn't feel bad about the whole 'getting off on this kind of thing' thing. Everyone is different in their likes and dislikes. Trust me when I say that much 'stranger' fetishes exist and that plenty of people find those attractive; I have written for 'stranger' fetishes. I appear to have some lack of shame when it comes to 'publically' posting those under my screenname, but even if you are uncomfortable with people knowing your fetishes (completely normal), it doesn't make them any less legitimate.

Hope that helped, even a little!

[Jorm]

The thing is, writing is art, and art is inherently self indulgent. If you write because you enjoy it, then it's automatically self-indulgent. What kind of writing it is or who you can share it with has nothing to do with it. Being a writer is just an incredibly self-indulgent profession. And so what? Shouldn't you spend your life doing things that you enjoy? Things that bring you pleasure? Provided they aren't causing anyone else harm, of course, I confess I don't see the problem. And I second what LeapYear said about all writing being a move in the right direction in terms of improving your skill at it. The more you write the better your likely to get at it, regardless of what exactly it is you're writing.

Wanting to be able to talk about it but being embarrassed because of the subject matter is something I definitely get though. It's not easy having a whole area of yourself that is closed off from the rest of the world because you're embarrassed or afraid of sharing it. Thankfully it's often possible to find small groups of like minded individuals like here on this forum that you can talk to about those parts of yourself as much as you want. I suspect the feeling of embarrassment at some part of yourself and feeling like you can't share it isn't at all unique to having this or any other fetish. I think probably it's just part of being human. We all have a couple of things we don't feel comfortable sharing with the rest of the world even though there might be times when we'd really like to. I guess in the end we maybe just have to either accept that or force ourselves to get over the fear and embarrassment and talk to people about it anyway...

[Skiffy]

I think self-indulgent is fine- you enjoy it, you get to express yourself creatively and you share it with some like-minded others so they can enjoy it too. You should be proud of any good work you do.

I recently started writing some original fiction on here. I really enjoy writing it and the nice comments people leave give me a little confidence boost, but, yeh, I do feel kinda...dirty. Unlike you guys, I'm not really a writer so it doesn't feel weird at all for me to write about something then not discuss it with friends. What does bother me a little (aside from the usual, "God, I really am a freak" sentiment) is the fact that the couple in my stories aren't entirely fictional. I feel guilty for incorporating my fantasies and feelings for my real-life friend into fetish stories. I feel like I might be taking advantage of her and exploiting her in a fairly creepy, pervy way.

[Jorm]

What does bother me a little (aside from the usual, "God, I really am a freak" sentiment) is the fact that the couple in my stories aren't entirely fictional. I feel guilty for incorporating my fantasies and feelings for my real-life friend into fetish stories. I feel like I might be taking advantage of her and exploiting her in a fairly creepy, pervy way.

This is likely the reason I have written so little original fetish fiction... I"ll start something and then freak myself out over the fact that I'm basing characters on people I know and "Oh god I'm such a creep!". So I end up shoving the idea back under my metaphorical bed and never doing anything with it.

[doggo]

Well, in a sort of way... yes. I when I was writing more & longer fics, I was often angry at myself for all the energy I was putting to them instead of "decent" writing. But that was more because I was writing in English than anything - I couldn't help thinking how good all that writing would have done to me if it was in my mother tongue. But in your case it seems quite beneficial really - nothing keeps you from using anything you come up with in other, more serious projects; and generally I think that self-indulgent writing keeps the pleasant feelings tied to the whole activity of writing and does you overall good as a writer.

Another thing that bothers me though is wondering if I could ever really write a believable romance without fetish elements because, you know, that's the most romantic thing. But that's whole another can of worms.

[NoV]

Well, in a sort of way... yes. I when I was writing more & longer fics, I was often angry at myself for all the energy I was putting to them instead of "decent" writing.

Yep, I definitely agree with you there - I seem to get very little time for my writing as it is, but I do get a guilty feeling that I should be writing something non-fetish. But what the hell - I love it that people seem to enjoy reading my stories and plan to continue!

[katia]

This is a very interesting question that hits very close to home for me. I started writing sneeze fanfics when I was 13 or 14, and I loved writing so much that I've now dedicated my life to it. I'm going to university in a writing program and I support myself doing freelance technical and public relations writing (manuals, brochures, newsletters, web content etc).

But my true love and greatest joy in life is still to write fiction that I would never in a million years show to anyone I know in person. What I write is self-indulgent, fetishy, angsty delerium that would humiliate me if anyone know about it. I'm a professional writer. My non-fiction pays the bills and tuition. I've been published and won awards for essays and editorials. But it's the fiction that nobody can ever fully know about that I love the most. I spend literally three or four hours a day writing fiction, and many more hours daydreaming and planning to write. A huge part of my life is my imaginary world, but I can't share that with anyone, and I feel really guilty about it.

I don't need external validation and praise for my writing to be personally satisfied. Writing is enough. My characters and stories are enough. But I do need external validation to pay the bills and put food on my table. It's my livelihood, and every second I waste doing the writing I truely love is a second I could have been making money. SO it's interesting.

And sometimes I feel like a total fraud when I present myself as a writer. Because even though I've ben lucky enough to build a profitable writing career for myself at a fairly young age, the writing I'm most proud of is also what I'm most ashamed of, and I know that other people would probably hate. So maybe I'm not really a writer at all. I don't know.

But even though I feel guilty, the fact that I keep doing it speaks for itself. Writing anything will improve your craft, and writing what your imagination craves is going to strengthen your imagination and make room for new ideas--maybe non-fetish ones. Write what you know and love what you write. Writing about things you don't want to write is about as fun as stabbing baby monkey with meat cleavers. Writing about what you do want to write about can be the most freeing thing in the world. So I don't know what I'm trying to say. You have to decide for yourself what writing is to you, and then decide what you want to write about.

[BananaTree]

I've only done one, and I didn't feel bad...mostly because my oneshot had a funny point to it all. I have other ideas but dunno if I'll do them.

One time I did a scene in a fanfiction where the character sneezed uncontrollably and I got hot. It was before I knew I wasn't the only one and I thought I was crazy! I felt guilty then. But now that I know I'm not alone, I don't so much anymore.

I've written non-sneeze lemon/smut so a sneeze-fic ain't that bad by my standards! But maybe that's just me.

[Natto]

Thanks for all your input, guys. It was all really insightful, and it did make me think about why I feel this way. I have people in my life who know I'm interested in illness. I have one good friend who shares the fetish, but I haven't been able to talk to her in a while and I think that's part of why I'm feeling so reticent. My fiance knows about my fetish but it's not something I want to talk with him at great length about. He has no problem with it, but he doesn't get it--likewise, he has a fetish that I don't understand, but don't judge him for. I feel weird writing fetish fiction because everyone in my life knows me as a writer, and they ask me what I'm working on when I disappear onto my computer. I'm a geeky person who feels comfortable telling anyone that she's writing fanfiction, but sneezefic is another thing entirely. I can write about people being sick and tell people about it, but this is an entirely different thing. Unlike Katia, I am not a writer by trade, but it's a major hobby and a major slice of my identity, and I am TRYING to make it into a career. I feel like writing fanfiction is wrong, AND writing sneezefic is wrong, because neither of those things help a potential career. But you guys are right, they do help build skills...still, I worry that I'm losing my ability to be creative by focusing on the same thing. I'm endlessly fascinated by colds and I could write about nothing else and be happy, but I feel like I should be reaching beyond my immediate interests.

Also, I don't like it that I'm more turned on by colds and sneezing than I am by things that are about actual sex. Everyone has different tastes and I judge no one but myself, but sometimes I wish I could be more normal in this regard. But that's not really going to happen.

I decided to try and get over these feelings and work on something. ^^;; It IS fun, it's just...a mixed issue, I guess. Thanks for your feedback, everyone.