Sir Jacques de Montaigue (m)

[haeeshoo]

I felt like writing something a little "different" and this is the result.

Enjoy it or passionately dislike it as you please.

(p.s. if you recognize some famous quotations, that might not be entirely coincidential )

****

About the author:

Haeeshoo is the world's leading expert on Sir Jacques de Montaigue.

Foreword by the blind reviewer:

It is safe to assume that the important role as played by

Sir Jacques de Montaigue in medieval history until now has mostly remained obscure.

This first in a series of research articles tells the tale of Sir Jacques' death.

It is expected that subsequent articles will explore other hitherto unsuspected depths

of this icon for the modern times.

The life and death of Sir Jacques de Montaigue

It is well known that Sir Jacques - although he would not

have appreciated hearing it - had certain age issues[1].

"Old" was always 15 years older than he was.

Out of respect for Sir Jacques and his heirs I have opted not to

describe him in terms of age. Instead I have opted for the

equivalent measure of pants creep.

As it turns out, year after year his pants kept creeping up on him.

By what we would conventionally call the age of 50 - a rather exceptionally

long life span given the era in which he lived (indeed, by then he was

almost old enough to be his own grandfather) - his pants had crept up

to cover both his mouth and nose and he slowly died of suffocation.

It took a year to establish that he was dead - most people already

suspected it, but noone dared to ask him.

Less known, but of vital importance, and therefore worth zooming into,

are the exact and unfortunate events that led to his death and which

took place during the last inch of pants creep, when seemingly

out of the blue Sir Jacques de Montaigue got accused of obscenities[2]

by an Honorable Judge with the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age

that happened to pass by.

With his pants slowly on their way towards his nose, Sir Jacques felt

the swift on-coming of a sneeze. He fumbled in his man bag for an embroidered

handkerchief, and rattled richly among the coppers.

Several *eh'chee* violent *heh'sheww!!* explosions *ehr'raecheeeeeeeewwww*

followed, and when the spasm subsided, he found the Judge spraying the air

around him with a flask of disinfectant.

'Perhaps it would be wiser if you stood a little further off.', the Judge

said in earnest.

'There's no problem so big or complicated that it can't be run away from.',

replied Sir Jacques self-confidently.

To put these events into perspective, one should realize that back in those

days preaching how to live up to the law was reserved for the higher social classes,

whereas the actual living up to the law was best left to lower

social classes, which explains why Sir Jacques' cheeky

answer would have knocked the Judge's socks off, leaving him bare-foot.

Being confronted with his own nudity, the Judge became enraged.

'If God had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born that way!'

he yelled at Sir Jacques. For certain people, after the age of 40, litigation

takes the place of sex.

Sir Jacques immediately recognized he had gone too far and humbly apologized,

thereby trying to avoid a conviction (and the stigma that comes with it).

After all, getting convicted for inflicting nudity wearing pants under your nose

would be hard to explain to the heirs. While bowing to the judge to underline his

good intentions, his pants crept over his mouth, and something snapped in his back,

leaving him unable to get back up, and out of his pants.

At that time he was ready to meet his Maker. Whether his Maker at that time was

prepared for the ordeal of meeting him remains one of the great open questions of life.

Footnotes and Bibiography

[1] Sir Jacques, "My Diary", pages 200-201 clearly demonstrate how

Sir Jacques never felt like he was 50 years old. In fact at that age he

didn't feel anything until noon, after which it was time for his nap.

[2] For the purpose of this article, obscenity is defined as

Whatever gives a judge an erection.

[count tiszula]

Marvellous! We need more of this scholarly prosopographia......

[Vetinari]

Well it's way over my head, as with most scholarly things that aren't medical or scientific in nature .... but I certainly don't passionately dislike it. Rather the opposite in fact.

[doggo]

It certainly IS different. I can't even begin to imagine what inspired you to write this but I know I laughed!

[VoOs]

...

Haee? I really like your brain. It's fascinating. Oh god... *wipes tears of mirth from face*

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Brilliant! Absolutely wonderful.

As VoOs said:

Haee? I really like your brain.

*giggles some more* Love the style.

[Anonymouse]

This is absolutely delightful. It made me giggle and picture some very interesting things.

[a red nine]

Never have I been so amused by a fic on this website.