Does anybody else experience this?

[Calanthe]

I have this weird thing where I get embarrassed whenever I think of myself as 'my normal self' whenever I'm on the forum. I know that isn't very clear, let me explain further.

I can't listen to music while I'm on the forum, because I associate my musical taste with my normal self. I can't think about experiences I had during the day with friends, because those are my personal memories that I associate with my normal self. I have a hard time even looking around my room while I'm on the forum, because that's the room my normal self lives in.

Basically, I wonder if I'm just embarrassed to let my sexuality tie in with my personal traits. Or actually, a better way to put it, is...I have a hard time letting it tie in with reality. When I get turned on, I don't think of myself as 'myself'. And if I do, I invision myself as the me from a couple years into the future. The only time I don't feel awkward getting turned on and associating it with reality instead of a little fantasy world is when I'm with my boyfriend. Probably because we both have the fetish, which gives our relationship a very deep intimacy and understanding of each other...and he makes me feel like I'm in a fantasy world.

When I'm not with him, though, I feel very strange about associating the fetish with myself. Like, I don't feel weird getting turned on and drooling over obs, artwork and stories until I break out of my fantasy world and realize that it's me getting turned on by sneezing right now.

I'm sorry if this was confusing, I'm having a hard time describing it for some reason. But I'm just wondering if anyone else around here knows what I mean.

[Anonymouse]

I think I understand. Not so much when I'm on this forum, but sometimes when I'm with my boyfriend, or when I think of the things we've done together, it embarrasses me a little. When I'm on the forum there's nobody else there to physically see me, but I can't help but see myself from my boyfriend's perspective. He says I'm beautiful but my own bias towards myself (that I think I'm ugly) affects how I think he must see me. It also makes me feel like I'm more of an animal than a human, to seek out pleasure like that. Or something. I don't know, it's hard to explain.

[kilala]

I know what you mean too, I get the same feeling sometimes, for me it's more like if only certain people knew, and I just feel like it's weird of me to want that kind of pleasure, even though I know it's not. I'm probably not making much sense but whatever.

AnonyMouse, you're beautiful.

[Anonymouse]

kilala, thanks! I just can't stand the thought of myself feeling pleasure, I don't know why, it grosses me out and I wish it didn't.

[Skiffy]

I had a weird moment like that today. I was in the chatroom and I looked at the list of members that were in the room. "Skiffy" jumped out at me with the exact same feeling I get when I read my real name. I can't explain the feeling, but it is definitely unique to seeing/hearing my real name- or at least it was. It felt really odd to get that from seeing "Skiffy". Also, recently, I keep having to stop myself from referring to something interesting or funny that was said on here when speaking to friends and family, I forget that I can't mention anything to do with this forum because it just seems so normal to me now. So I guess I'm starting to feel less like the identity I present to you guys is some other persona in a separate world to my real life. This part of me is real too and I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not. (says the closet-case)

ETA: AnonyMouse, I think you're an awesome person who deserves lots of pleasure. *pours embarassing, gross happiness on you whether you like it or not*

[Calanthe]

I'm so glad you guys get me on this, I was worried I was too vague haha. I do believe that sexuality shouldn't be something to be ashamed of, but I have moments where I feel as if I'm the only exception. It's pretty odd, actually.

(and by the way, on an unrelated note, @AnonyMouse and kilala, I ADORE METALOCALYPSE! <3 You guys are full of wiiiin! )

[Anonymouse]

BWAAAHHHH Calanthe I'm so happy to hear that. When I first came here I thought I was the only fan and it was so depressing. Now we have like an army. Not to get off-topic, but if you draw or write I highly encourage you to contribute.

As for the actual problem, to deal with it I just try to distance myself from... myself. Like that expression, just cut loose and enjoy yourself. Don't focus on the fact that it's you getting turned on and try not to think about it after the fact, or else you'll just bug yourself out.

[polychrome]

I had a lot of back and forth discomfort about what kind of a person I was for enjoying pleasurable situations, especially with my first boyfriend. I also tend to like to keep my sneeze fetish thoughts separate from sex -- makes them seem less porn like. I'm growing more comfortable with the integration of all of my various thoughts, preferences and emotions, but it has taken a *long* time. I think I'm pretty much over feeling dirty or embarassed about these things, but it was a struggle.