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Crossover Crisis #6: Another Love Song (F)


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Author's note: I have played about two hours of FF7. Just so you know.


“Aha, Tifa Lockheart, at last we meet.” Gannondorf swirled his cape and cackled maniacally. “You’ve been causing my men quite a bit of trouble. But I’m afraid you’re too late. I’ve already begun…”

“Shut up!” Tifa yelled, panting. “I've beed listedigg to big-headed speeches frob jerks like you all day! I've had to hudt dowd all sorts of ridiculous weapods, get keys frob like eight duggeods, do like a huddred stupid chores for a bugch of peasadts, add to top it all off I…Hah...” she paused abruptly, her mouth hanging open. “Ahhh-Hah…HRRAAASSHHOOO! I caught the worst code of by life clibbigg up your dubb tower. Who builds sobethigg this huge add doesd't put ady stairs od the idside?”

She took a dirty white (or at least, it once was white) handkerchief out of the pocket of her shorts and blew so loudly into it that her honks echoed throughout the canyon around them, making it sound like the rocks themselves were struggling with their own colds. She wiped at her red-rimmed nostrils and then put her handkerchief back.

“My point is, I am in no mood to stand here shivering in the wind while you go on and on about how clever you are when I'm just going to pulverize you anyways. I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm cranky, and I just want to bury myself underneath some covers and sleep forever. In short,” She clenched her fists, “Come at me bro.”

“Hmph. Well if you’re so eager to save your boyfriend,” He gestured towards Cloud, who was suspended from bizarre black spider-web like structure made from twisted metal behind him, “Then I suppose I may as well skip straight to the main event!”

With a fearsome roar, Gannondorf transformed into a huge black boar and charged at Tifa. She stood her ground and grabbed his huge tusks just as they were about to gore her, and with her extraordinary strength stopped the monster in its tracks without giving up more than a few inches of ground.

“H-how?” The beast croaked. Tifa laughed.

“What, you didn’t think I’d have leveled up some before I got here? I had to fight like eight bosses by myself! My Strength stat is through the roof!”

She spun around and chucked the behemoth off the edge of the tower. As Gannondorf fell plummeting into the canyon’s depths, Tifa pumped a fist into the air.

“Yes! Easy as, haah, pie…Harrschuuuh! Ahhh-Aschuchhhh! Ugh, right, tibe to grab Cloud add get out of here before I Ah-Ahh- Aktchuuhh! Get pdeubodia or sobethigg.”

She wiped her running nose on the back of her wrist and hurried over to her captured friend. After freeing him from the network of metal threads that held him prisoner she laid him down on the stone floor and tried to shake him back to conciousness. Unable to wake him, she reached into her pouch and helped him drink a healing potion. Immediately, he sprang to life.

“Gah! Tifa? What’s going on, what happened? I was fighting some kind of wizard…”

“Yes, you were captured. But dod't worry, everythigg's…haahh-ah-Arrkschuuusch! Fide dow. We just ha-have to figure out…Hatschuuuuch! How to get off of this tower…” Tifa wiped her steadily running nose on the back of her wrist again, and sniffled more, too embarrassed to blow it in front of Cloud.

“Tifa, are you alright? You’re sneezing and your nose is all red…” Cloud leaned forward and gently placed a hand on her forehead, and her whole face turned as red as her nose. “Holy cow, you’re on fire! We need to get you to a doctor…”

“Cloud, I'b fide. I just deed a little rest. You're the ode we should be worryigg about, you just god ub…Haah-Harrtschuuh Harusschuuh Harrschuuh!” She sneezed wetly into her hands and blushed even more as she wiped away a line of mucus strung from her nose to her palm.

“Yeah, and I’m okay now. You’re obviously not.” Cloud stood up halfway and turned away from Tifa. “Here, climb on my back. You should save your energy.”

Tifa lightly (by her standards) tapped him on the back of the head. “I'b just a little sick, I cad still walk perfectly fide! Besides, gettigg off this tower is like ad obstacle course. That ludatic bage set up all kidds of weird traps ad jugk we'll have to badage id order to get dowd. Together.” She took out her handkerchief again and held it to her nose, feeling fairly certain it would just have to remain there until she had a chance to blow it.

Cloud sighed, but grinned at her. “Alright, then lead the way and I’ll be right behind you, my hero” he bowed, and Tifa laughed despite herself.

“Cobe od thed, let’s get a bove od! The, huhhh, sooder we get dowd frob h-here the sooder I, huhhh, cad, huh-huh-HURSCHHUUH! Haaah-Tschuuuch! Uh, the sooder I cad fidd a hot shower add a warb bed! I rebebber seeigg a towd od by way over here, they’ve probably got ad idd we cad sday add…”


Gone to find sword, think Gannon hid it in a dungeon underneath tower. Will be back soon. Rest up!


Tifa crumpled the note up in her hands. She couldn’t believe the nerve of him. Even after she saved his life, he was still treating her life a damsel in distress. He hadn’t even taken a day to recover after being held captive, and he was already going off on some adventure? Well, she’d show him.

She hopped out of bed, and seeing the room spin around her, promptly sat back down. Then again, perhaps not. Her cold had apparently progressed since last night; her entire body ached, she felt chills running across her skin even though she was burning hot, and she couldn’t breathe through her nose.

“Arraschuuuch! Hataschuuusch! Hah…Hatschuusch! Ahhh-Arrshuuuschhh!” Tifa sniffled and rolled over to face the bedside table, where a clean white handkerchief was waiting for her. She grabbed it and blew her nose with a loud honk, wincing as it rubbed against her raw nose. After several more sneezes and blows, which left the formerly spotless handkerchief already well on its way to the state of her last one, she thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to sit this adventure out after all. Though she had to admit, she now kind of wished Cloud had stayed behind just to take care of her.

“HARASSCHHUUUSCH!” The sudden sneeze took her by surprise, and she accidentally sprayed all over her pillow. Grimacing, she flipped it over and flopped down onto the cool side, intent on ignoring how miserable she felt and drifting back off to sleep.

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Honestly, it's probably a good thing that you've only played 2 hours of Final Fantasy VI. If you'd played more than that, you probably would have ended up using Cloud's angsty pretentious emo characterization that he takes up partway into the game. Way less fun than his cocky personality at the beginning.

Anyway. Once again, great job! And I still can't wait for what's to come.

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