My boyfriend has the fetish... and it gets on my nerves :(

[ihatethis]

I figured you guys would be the best ones to talk to about this, but my boyfriend has a sneezing fetish and it sometimes gets out of hand.

Ever feel like someone is having sex with your nose instead of you?

I try to do sneezes for him sometimes because he obviously likes it and I don't sneeze naturally hardly at all, but it makes me stuffy, makes me not enjoy the sex as much, and usually ends up with him overly touching, kissing, and smooshing my nose instead of my lips.

I tried to make a sneezing video for him to get him to lay off of the Youtube porn and my nose for a bit, but it really hasn't helped.

The fetish also had him talking to his ex-girlfriend about her sneezes behind my back since she sneezed much more often than me and it hurt me that he did that. I asked him to stop, then months later I checked his messages and he was still doing it! He has since blocked her and stopped, but what can I do to escape this? Every time someone sneezes around us, the smooshing, the asking for sneezes- it is all becoming too much for me to handle.

I love him other than that and it is safe to say other than that we are the cutest cuddliest couple around, but I can't help but feel like this fetish is going to tear us apart.

What should I do?

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

Show him what you wrote here.

[Niceguy]

OK... In all my utmost sincereity, I DO NOT want this to come off sounding condescending or pedantic, but have you TOLD HIM ANY OF THIS? Because I would advise COMMUNICATION.

Personally I think it's great - and to your credit - that you have indulged him.

But he needs to know what your limits are. He also needs to know how POSITIVELY you feel about him otherwise. THAT'S important too. But he really needs to know how you feel about this, what you're willing to do, and what you can and can not put up with. And I place no judgement on how much you do or do not put up with. (You don't sound like my type, but then... we're not dating! LOL) Everyone's different, and if it can't work, then it can't work. But it seems to me that he doesn't know how much some aspects of this bother you, and how they make you feel, and he [may or may not] appreciate the fact that you've tried to meet him halfway.

So... HAVE THE TALK. And if you HAVE, and he's ignored you, or been dismissive of you're feelings? Well... I hate to tell you this, but some people are just like that - with or without the fetish. (I think the scientific term for them is "assholes.") Now some might see this post of yours (above) as coming off a bit... I don't know... Harsh? Maybe? But it sounds to me like you've tried to be good, giving and game and he's not being sensitive to your feelings.

He needs to KNOW. And if he DOES, and he isn't gettign clued in? (Or worse, doesn't care?) Well, I think the scientific term for that kind of person is...

[Anonymouse]

I agree with these guys. Talk to him. Chances are if he really loves you he'll understand. Talking to his ex about her sneezing is absolutely not acceptable, especially since this is a sexual thing for him. I wouldn't get too upset about the YouTube stuff though, it's no different than a guy watching regular old porn (unless you'd be against that too), but he shouldn't be looking at it so much that it's interfering with your sex life.

Letting him know what turns you on might help too. Remind him that you'd like to feel good, too, and that it's hard to enjoy the sex completely when he's playing with your face the whole time. I did that in the beginning with my own boyfriend, when I first told him about the fetish and he was eager to indulge it, but I could tell that playing with his nose so much was starting to distract him from what we were doing so I eased up a lot. If he came out and told me to stop playing so much I wouldn't have gotten upset. I want him to enjoy it too, and besides, there are other things I like than just the sneezing. Explore different things so he can find other ways to enjoy himself beyond the sneezing.

[JenJen]

Yes, you definitely need to tell him about how you feel. It seems to me that he's REALLY into the fetish, and you're trying to keep up and be nice, but you're not really into it at all - and that's perfectly all right, of course. And maybe you're worried that if you speak up and tell him how you feel that he'll dump you and/or cheat on you? I definitely understand that. It's a scary feeling.

Your boyfriend does sound pretty selfish, though, I hate to say. And the stuff with his ex-girlfriend that he continued to talk to after you told him to stop...yikes. That's a huge breach of trust. And why isn't he asking you if all this fetishplay is all right? Is he just diving right into it? Why isn't he considering your feelings and your pleasure? That rubs me the wrong way.

I hope you guys can have a good talk about this and come to an understanding. And if you guys can't, if he doesn't want to change...then you're perfectly without your rights to say SEE YA JERK!

[March Hare]

If you haven't told him at all how you feel about his growing need for indulgence, then I don't think Jen is fair to say he should just assume that something isn't right. He obviously feels that it's all right for him to behave like he does, because you haven't set your limits.

I can understand how you feel, especially about the episode with the ex-girlfriend. That was wrong for him to do because it does border on cheating. (I can also sympathise with his fetish-"hunger", to be honest... but still!)

It's difficult being the lover of a fetishist. We can be difficult to please because for some of us, the sneezing really is the only thing that'll ALWAYS get us off. That's why you have to be very clear and honest about what YOU do and don't want. Sex is supposed to be about both partners, not just one of them. Still, sex is also about sometimes doing something you don't especially like but makes the other really happy. The key word here is 'sometimes'. And, even more importantly, 'balance'. But for that to work out, as Niceguy said, you need open and honest communication.

Good luck. Oh, and about the YouTube porn: you don't have to worry about it. In fact, it's a much better way to deal with "fetish hunger" than talking to sneezy exes.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel about his sometimes too rapacious urges and try to find out how he feels about them.

[smooshi]

The fetish also had him talking to his ex-girlfriend about her sneezes behind my back since she sneezed much more often than me and it hurt me that he did that. I asked him to stop, then months later I checked his messages and he was still doing it! He has since blocked her and stopped, but what can I do to escape this? Every time someone sneezes around us, the smooshing, the asking for sneezes- it is all becoming too much for me to handle.

First, I would like to talk about this paragraph, but I will try to refer to your post in total.

I understand you feel like other chick sneezing kinda keeps you away from him, because it maybe attracts him. But, I don't know if you noticed that guys who may have no fetishes at all and that are in steady relationship will still enjoy the sight of lovely lady that passed by them.

Maybe he likes his ex sneezing, as maybe someone would like other girl's breasts, but he has picked YOU to be his girlfriend and he loves you, not her.

About "nose sex"... well, you should talk to him. Most of us (when I say "us" I refer to people with sneezing fetish) are very secretive about their fetish around other people. He is probably happy he can share it with you, to behave totally free about it...

In a nutshell, talk to him about this and take care.

[JenJen]

If you haven't told him at all how you feel about his growing need for indulgence, then I don't think Jen is fair to say he should just assume that something isn't right. He obviously feels that it's all right for him to behave like he does, because you haven't set your limits.

I don't mean he should assume there's something wrong (I mean, he's not psychic), I just mean that because it's his fetish, he should have been the one to initiate the "what are you comfortable with" conversation. It shouldn't have to be the non-fetishist's place to come out and say "I don't like this", the person with the fetish needs to ask the person they're with about boundaries and what's cool to do and what isn't.

Maybe I'm just overly cautious of making somebody uncomfortable, but I would ask my ex on the rare occasion that I felt like bringing the fetish into our bedroom activities. "Is it okay if we try this?" "Is it cool if I do this to you?" He always agreed, but I felt that asking him beforehand was respectful, instead of just diving in assuming that he was hunky dory with it every time.

[ihatethis]

Thank you JenJen for the support. And I HAVE talked to him many times about this. I am very open and honest about what irritates me for the most part, but I feel like I am being unfair to him when I don't try to go with him. The biggest issue here is that it has come to the point now where if I give him a sneeze now and then, it becomes again? again? again? Instead of satisfying the desire.

When I refuse to, he gets sad and pouts like he knows he is being bad and it ruins the mood completely for hours. If I refuse on a longer term things are better, but like I said I feel like I am being unfair to him. I have made it COMPLETELY clear that hate it when he asks it of me and would rather give sneezes to him on my own accord to eliminate the question of when I am in the mood or not, but sometimes he "can't help himself" and that irritates me.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I am trying my best. I really appreciate the answers you all have kindly taken the time to give me. Thank you all so much.

Another question- why is everything on this site blocked to me? I feel like it was an uphill battle just to post my feelings, and I have been trying for a while.

I just want some people to talk to about this openly with on the side of my boyfriend.

Oh wait nevermind! I see what's wrong with my profile- not validated, can take a while. No worries I am not trying to troll, but trying to understand and embrace. Again thank you guys for all of your support and, though I imagine few might actually care, I figure I can bring an opposite side view into the forum.

Here we go-making this a positive environment for both fetishist and partner.

Last post tonight! I am going in in the morning to get my wisdom teeth removed so I oughta go to bed here at some point. Thank you all one more time for everything, I will try to talk some more and letcha know how it goes.

And wish my princess-boy happy birthday tomorrow. While I am passed out on the bed on drugs, he will be singing happy b-day to his poor self.

Posts merged ~ obsessed

Edited July 21, 2012 by obsessed

[JenJen]

When I refuse to, he gets sad and pouts like he knows he is being bad and it ruins the mood completely for hours. If I refuse on a longer term things are better, but like I said I feel like I am being unfair to him.

Ohh no, you're not being unfair at all. I think he's being unfair to you by asking again and again even though you've expressed your discomfort to him, and then pouting when he doesn't get his way. That's really telling. Such selfish behavior.

Unfortunately if this doesn't get resolved, it will probably lead to some resentment down the road - him resenting that you won't play his game whenever he wants, and you resenting that you have to either comply with something you don't enjoy or deal with a grouchy boyfriend. And that's just no way to be.

(I'll try to phrase this in a pg-13 way since this is the General board) Can he "get there" without the fetish? If so, try to make bedroom time more about that stuff instead of fetish stuff. If he needs it 100% though, then I'm not sure what to tell you that would be good news. ):

This is a difficult situation, though, and I hope you guys can work it out. (And good luck with those wisdom teeth, lol. I was so drugged during my procedure that I barely remember a thing. Good times.)

[March Hare]

It's a sad thing when one partner wants something that the other can't give. A very sad thing indeed. I'm sorry for you both.

I'm going to have to retract what I said about the YT porn, now that I understand the situation better. It might actually be better for him to lay off all the fetish pr0n for a while. I'm doing the cold turkey thing myself at the moment, because I was edging into a similar situation with my man - not sharking him, but wanting so much more than he was willing and able to give. You could suggest this to him - or if he's on the forum, I'll gladly talk to him myself - and see what he thinks about it. He probably won't like it, because waaah the indulgence!, but surely your shared love life is more important to him than his own pleasure?

Sometimes we just overfeed ourselves, and then the best thing to do is diet. Good luck with resolving this situation!

[ScorpionPrincess]

Not to be rude, but he seems a little immature. He can't expect you to want to do that all the time, expecially if you don't sneeze much naturally. He also seems pretty into the fetish. It sounds like you have talked to him about this a lot, and if he doesn't understand, maybe you should find someone else. It would be getting on my nerves too, and it sounds like you are doing your best to please him and be supportive, but it sounds like it is getting to be too much. Good luck with your wisdom teeth! The pain meds upset me more than the actual pain from the surgery, they didn't like my stomach, lol!

[ihatethis]

Again guys I really do appreciate all of the responses! It seems to help a little to just gently remind him as you all were suggesting; though like I said a little mood sacrifice here and there. I am still feeling a bit loopy off of the meds atm, and the fact that my face has been a blimp has kinda eased any desire for sneezes from me, I think.

I want to make it work, because besides all of the complaining, I can really see the internal conflict in him from time to time and I think I see the signs of him trying. It is very hard for me to understand this gnawing feeling (which is why I came to you guys in the first place). Before him I was quite addicted to porn, actually, but I do not think at this point that that a simple porn addiction can cover (no pun) such a feeling as a fetish.

Maru-Chan! I really appreciate your offer to talk to him if needed, as I am more than sure he lurks here from time to time (though I do not know what username he uses) and if it comes down to it, I will probably come on back and take you up on that offer.

People are people. I am not perfect, and neither is he, but I am thinking more and more about it and I feel more confident now that we can work it out. I don't feel so alone anymore

Are the pills talking or have I lost it?

Have a great night everyone and I will be back if anything changes. Under pain meds isn't the beeeest time to make decisions, yes?

[Vetinari]

And maybe you're worried that if you speak up and tell him how you feel that he'll dump you and/or cheat on you?

Maybe better dumped than in a relationship that may seem OK now, but will only become more unbearable over the years that follow.

It seems to me that this situation is quite likely to be something that you might both try to put up with because you see yourselves as being in love, and love can conquer all. Can't it! Our modern media would have it so, but after many years of marriage, I'm not certain that it can if you are looking for a long term relationship. It would not be sensible to move this relationship along if this can't be resolved.

Sometimes people are just not suited and perhaps, even if you do feel love for one another you need to accept that some people just are not compatible sexually. If that is the case, better to call it off earlier rather than later, in my opinion. He wants you to give something you aren't willing to give. There is no right or wrong. Maybe he needs this, hence the reason he looked somewhere else. And there's nothing wrong with not wanting to indulge something you aren't comfortable with. There are various things I couldn't live with. When I was young, I would have tried. Now I know that if I found something major like that, and it hadn't been resolved by discussion, then I would walk away, even if everything else looked rosy.

[Chanel_no5]

And there's nothing wrong with not wanting to indulge something you aren't comfortable with. There are various things I couldn't live with. When I was young, I would have tried. Now I know that if I found something major like that, and it hadn't been resolved by discussion, then I would walk away, even if everything else looked rosy.

I agree wholeheartedly on this. If communication doesn't work, and he doesn't "get it" when it's time to back down, and at least offer something you really like in return, it's a good time to consider how far you're willing to take it - indulgence,relationship, all of it.

[David]

This is such a strange situation, and sorry it's happening to you! I just can't imagine doing that...the reason I've never told any of my gf's about my fetish is that I'd be too afraid THEY'D be the ones who would make sexual stuff all about it and forget that I like them for who they are and not just their sneezing. I hope it works out for you.

[ihatethis]

Wow David that is really hard for you as well I am sure.

I don't really know what to do or if this will ever get better. Like I said it is wonderful 90% of the time and this is really the only problem the I feel we have. I think I might let him know about this thread so that he might have something to think on since I told him today he overstepped my boundaries with the smooshing and the kissing (which I have to say annoys me more than any other action other than being asked to sneeze. I am getting a cute kiss? Trololol no you aren't!) and he just turned over and pouted again. It is really hard for me to want to say something but know it is going to ruin the mood.

I was away last weekend, giving him plenty of chances to lots of idle surfing, which ALWAYS makes his desires worse. I don't feel like I can go anywhere! When I start my job I won't be able to escape the constant needing. Jesus.

You guys are right. I need to show him how this is making me feel. Courage.

[March Hare]

Good luck! Again, if you want me to talk to him, I will. "Control your urges you must, young Sneezewanter. Bollocks up your lovelife otherwise you will."

[Deadsh0t]

If I'm perfectly honest with you, your boyfriend is treating you like a sex object and that is not okay. Just take a step back from this a moment and look at it this way.

He's trying to force you to do things you don't want to do by using emotional blackmail (i.e the pouting and sulking to try and make you feel bad for him and thus indulge him), and that's really not right at all.

From my experience, guys never tend to get subtle hints, so I'd advise you just to be incredibly blunt and harsh with him to make him get the message. Perhaps something like "you're trying to force me into things that I don't feel comfortable with through constant emotional blackmail, and you're treating me like an object rather than your partner. Either you stop this and calm the heck down, or we won't be having a relationship anymore".

Hopefully that might scare him into realising that what he's doing is completely and utterly wrong.

Oh, and another thing, I really admire your courage for being able to sign up here and talk to us about this. It takes a real good heart to be able to see that not all sneeze fetishists are as needy and unreasonable as you're boyfriend is being right now. I really hope this works out for you, I really do.

[tma]

Good luck! Again, if you want me to talk to him, I will. "Control your urges you must, young Sneezewanter. Bollocks up your lovelife otherwise you will."

Love this I do.

I know that some of us have been on the opposite end, with an SO who won't do *anything* fetish related, and then if on top of that they don't want a person to look or listen to stuff on here.... well- in my opinion that is just too much to ask.

However, obviously that isn't what you are saying. You seem to just be wanting some type of a balance that will work for *both* of you. All the best!

[Orionbob]

I can't give you any more advice than what's been said already, but I would like to say that I don't think most people would risk diving into such a new environment, and I admire that so much that you did in a genuine search for understanding. That must have been intimidating. I'm sorry you have to go through this. The only thing I can think is that he might not realize that pouting like that whenever you're uncomfortable is an attempt to manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable, and is Not Okay.

It sounds like he's not yet aware of how careful you have to be when you have a fetish - at least that's the way I look at it. I've never actually been "with" someone so I don't know how well this applies, but I try to always keep myself aware that what feels so right for me might not feel right for someone else. I think frequent deliberate attempts to mentally put yourself in the other person's shoes and trying to understand how they're feeling is the only way to make things rewarding for everyone. That, and a healthy measure of self control. I never did much more than initiate questionable discussions with a friend who I knew might not be comfortable with it if they knew, but enough self control to keep from even doing that took practice and conscious effort on my part. It did get easier. It feels to me like he just hasn't realised that's even necessary yet. If you can make it clear how deeply uncomfortable you are, and how afraid you are to even go to work lest it get worse, he may realise it's time to change.

It may be important to make it clear that while you care deeply for him, feeling constantly pressured into something that doesn't really do it for you in the first place, and then being made to feel inadequate when you hit your limit, is something that is damaging and may even end your relationship. As I understand it, it's not that indulging the fetish is a 100% no-go, the problem is that he's not accepting what you're comfortable with giving? Maybe he'll need to hear that too. Hopefully he can understand that he needs to respect you enough to meet you in the middle about this.

Again, I feel for the both of you, and thank you for coming here to ask. That means a lot.

Edited July 31, 2012 by Orionbob

[March Hare]

The only thing I can think is that he might not realize that pouting like that whenever you're uncomfortable is an attempt to manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable, and is Not Okay.

I think frequent deliberate attempts to mentally put yourself in the other person's shoes and trying to understand how they're feeling is the only way to make things rewarding for everyone. That, and a healthy measure of self control. It feels to me like he just hasn't realised that's even necessary yet. If you can make it clear how deeply uncomfortable you are, and how afraid you are to even go to work lest it get worse, he may realise it's time to change.

It may be important to make it clear that while you care deeply for him, feeling constantly pressured into something that doesn't really do it for you in the first place, and then being made to feel inadequate when you hit your limit, is something that is damaging and may even end your relationship. As I understand it, it's not that indulging the fetish is a 100% no-go, the problem is that he's not accepting what you're comfortable with giving? Maybe he'll need to hear that too. Hopefully he can understand that he needs to respect you enough to meet you in the middle about this.

Again, I feel for the both of you, and thank you for coming here to ask. That means a lot.

Seconded.

[Pearlised]

I think there's a line that you obviously feel he's constantly breaching. I hope he's giving as good as he's getting too tell him to get his arse back over the line and tone his fetish desires down a bit, it can be done, if he says it can't be done he's just being a typical man about it!

It takes two to tango and I recon you should be comfortable about everything that's happening, and he should want you to be comfortable. Have a chat with him when you're ready and see what happens xx

[ihatethis]

Thanks guys! I have continued to talk to him and let him know that I have joined and am seeking help to try and help me out. "To dedemonize" the fetish as I have put it to him.

Looks like things are on the upswing as he has been very good about stopping when I ask. I did go away this past weekend, and as I expected he did get worse as I returned, but after saying "enough of that please" he respectfully did not (though he had 2 slips... slow bu steady progress yes?)

Thank you guys for helping me understand and figure out what is an appropriate balance and that I am not just being controlling and intolerant.

I think I can move on now. Haha at least for now.

Hell I dunno I may be back at some point.

Cheers

[Orionbob]

It's really good to hear you're finding a balance that works for the both of you and that he seems to be working on his self control. Feel free to come back at any time, whether you're seeking more advice or not!