How long should you wait before telling someone you're dating?

[SomeoneRandom]

Just curious about your opinions on this. I definitely think that you should tell a girlfriend/boyfriend about your fetish. (Nothing against those who keep it to themselves, though.) How long do you wait to tell someone? Do you think it should be told early, kind of like a test to see if the relationship would work out? Or should you wait a long time until you're very comfortable with each other?

[nolongeractive]

It really depends. I don't think you should ever have to tell someone you're dating if you don't want to. You can even tell them right away if you feel comfortable with it. Regardless of when you tell them, their own reaction could be a million different things. I told my current boyfriend two weeks after we formed out relationship because I was positive that I could trust him, and I can. But it's really a personal decision of how, when, or if you want to bring it up.

[Lime]

Or should you wait a long time until you're very comfortable with each other?

I think so. Not only is it a very private and personal thing for you to talk about, and would probably sting pretty bad if he rejected it. But it's probably not easy for your partner to hear either... I think people in general have a prejudice about fetishes, and either way it's not something you want to have sprung on you on the first date before you get to know the person

[NoV]

That will really depend on how you feel they will react to it, and how happy you are to share that part of your personality. I have never told a SO about the fetish, not because I don't trust them to accept it, but because I enjoy keeping this aspect of my sexuality just for me, without having to think about how others around me will react to sneezes with the knowledge of my fetish.

However, there are many people on this forum who are proof that sharing with a partner only leads to better things. If it's something you feel you need to share, and if you think they'll be cool with it, then you should

[Salamander]

As soon as you're comfortable, but only if you really trust this person. My suggestion would be to definitely wait until you've been sexually active with this partner, if you intend to do so, to show them that you don't *need* to make it all about the fetish. (Unless you do!)

I would say that there are some pretty good litmus tests for how well it will go over. If your partner has a fetish or kink themselves, bingo! I can't see how that would go badly.

Otherwise, how openminded is your partner? Do they watch porn/ admit to watching porn, and are they comfortable talking about it? Are they comfortable talking about masturbation, yours and theirs? How do they feel about the fact that sometimes people fantasise about situations that aren't their long-term partner? More generally, how comfortable are they with other sexualities, including LGBTQ people?

Do they know what a fetish IS? That's a good place to start.

My favourite way to tell is to show someone the "fetish map" (google "fetish map") and wow them with all the crazy fetishes, then ask the person to guess which one is mine. It works well because the person is just relieved it's not something truly horrible or impossible to fulfil!

I have heard people come out to their partner only to get the reaction "what's a fetish?!" or even "what do you mean you masturbate to things that aren't ME?!" In the latter case, rethink the relationship, seriously.

Otherwise, best of luck!

Edited August 29, 2012 by Salamander

[Lime]

My favourite way to tell is to show someone the "fetish map" (google "fetish map") and wow them with all the crazy fetishes, then ask the person to guess which one is mine. It works well because the person is just relieved it's not something truly horrible or impossible to fulfil!

Genius. Simply genius

[zneeze]

It's different for everyone and every situation. I never told my first girlfriend, which ended up being a good idea because our relationship didn't end well. My second girlfriend, my current one, I feel a lot more comfortable with. A LOT more. I didn't plan on telling her, until I just did, and she was totally fine with it. It was less than 3 months in to our relationship. And our relationship has only gotten stronger since.

[Clark Kent]

*shudders at the thought of telling anyone*

i love it being a secret lol

If there is any doubt.....there is too much doubt so i wouldn't rush it but good luck to you if you do it.

[facet]

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Edited October 30, 2019 by facet
Removed by user.

[SomeoneRandom]

AHHH I just told a guy on the second date! When I posted this question, I wasn't thinking about him at all. We had met briefly and I wasn't thinking of him that way. But he asked me out on Friday and we really clicked. We hung out again on Saturday night.

He had sneezed two singles the night before, and then he was telling a story on Saturday night and he paused and sneezed a double. When he continued his story, all I could think about was the fetish... I just felt so comfortable with him. So I told him I wanted to share something weird with him. After some embarrassed hesitating, I said, "I think it's really cute when boys sneeze."

He took it really well, said it was cool. He got it right away -- "It turns you on?" He sneezed again twice today, and he definitely loved that it turned me on. He was 100% accepting of it. It was awesome!

Unrelated note:

If he or she is insecure or we don't seem to be clicking in a manner that denotes trust, then I doubt that I will share something so personal as the exact nature of the fetish.

Why would you continue dating someone if there's no trust between you two??

Edited September 2, 2012 by SomeoneRandom

[Skiffy]

I've been with two partners since figuring out my fetish, but they both knew before we got together because we were pretty close friends first and I had mentioned it already. I'd just go with what feels right, whenever that time comes up, or doesn't.

[Infernal]

I usually end up spilling the beans, as it were, before things take off. I don't know if telling early on is necessarily important, but its much easier in my experience. They know exactly what they're getting into that way.