Advice on "coming out"

[Bluebird]

Usually I'm rather okay with coming out to someone about my fetish. I mean, yes it gets extremely awkward about having to explain it and whatnot, but I can get the job done decently. However, this person I want to get it out to is more of a..."special case", I'd say. Not really sure how to describe it, but that fits the bill pretty well.

We'll call her "A." She's in the Thespian society with me, we've gotten pretty close over last year and this year, and are only bound to get closer through the school musical and whatnot. Not only that, but she had my dad's class last year so that gave us some common ground. She's a lesbian, she's really outgoing and rambunctious, and just all-around fun to be with. She's also a little kinky herself, I've found out, but we didn't touch on that a whole lot.

And that's where I'm stuck. Obviously if she's okay with that kind of thing, it shouldn't be too much harm to tell her about this, right? But as much as I want to I just can't seem to find how to tell her. Even today (though it was probably in more of a joking sense since our friend T had said she just wanted to sneeze to stop being congested and A remarked that she liked sneezing- with her you can never tel though) when she made that remark, I literally almost said something but I stopped myself before anything could slip out.

I don't know why I have the overwhelming urge to tell her, and I really don't know why I feel like telling her is going to be so difficult. So, I ask this: could any of you please offer me some advice? It's not like I've never done this before- I just don't know what the hell to say.

Thanks in advance, too.

[Seeker of the Way]

Well, obviously I don't know you or her, but a few things come to mind that are worth thinking about. Firstly, does she strike you as the kind of person that can keep a confidence? If not, then telling is obviously a bad call, unless you want the entire circle of mutual friends to know too. If yes, well and good. Secondly, if you don't know why you want to do this, figuring that out beforehand would probably take some of the tension away, as well as make the whole experience better in general. Going in confident and sure always takes the fear out of stuff like this. As for delivery, from your description, she seems a tad curious. You could turn it into a game, try to make her guess, look happy when she does, drop increasingly strong hints, etc. Basically, try to make the whole conversation fun on her end and it might just rub off on you. Referencing that comment of hers about liking sneezing might help, too, helping her relate. I hope all this helps. I suppose I should mention that I've never told anyone, so all of this might be hogwash, but I'm sure you can be the judge of that; you know yourself and her, after all. As an aside, it's always good to meet a fellow Thespian "Act well your part, there all the honor lies." Best of luck!

[marv77]

I don't know if this is your situation, but usually when I want to tell a close friend something, it's because I want to feel accepted. If they still accept me while knowing my deepest secrets, it's a much stronger friendship and their acceptance means a lot more.

She sounds like the kind of person that would be cool with it. If you think she will be, and if you think she won't tell anyone you don't want to know about it, I'd definately go ahead and tell her. However, I wouldn't force it, make a big deal out of it, or try to manufactor a situation where you can tell her. As long as you know you want to tell her, when the time is right, it will slip out.

[_Daisy_]

I suppose it depends on your comfort level. I mean, having a sexual kink like the sneeze fetish isn't exactly the same as being gay, you know? It isn't really something that is necessary for anyone besides your SO to have knowledge of, so I wouldn't be toooo concerned about letting anyone else in on it if you aren't 100% sure that you want to. That being said, I know that there is a certain level of intimacy in close friendships, and sometimes it makes us feel closer to others by letting them in on intimate aspects of our personal life...maybe just wait for the subject to come up naturally before introducing it? Like, if the conversation turns towards sexual kinks you could talk about the fetish? Ha, I hope that helps. Good luck!

[Bluebird]

I know it's been quite a while since anyone's posted in here but I think you'll be interested in knowing that I finally came out to her over the weekend (took me long enough!). I had posted a little rant-ish thing on Tumblr and she messaged me, to which I replied with "formally" telling her that I've been meaning to come out to her about the fetish for months.

She is a godsend. Literally one of the best people I know, hands-down. She didn't touch on the subject, didn't try to make me uncomfortable or anything; she even gave me her phone number just in case I needed to talk (because the fetish was going hand-in-hand with a few sexuality issues I've been having but that's another, longer story). I proceeded to give her the biggest hug on Monday and we've just become that much closer through it.

I just wanted to give that update so whoever replied wasn't left on a cliffhanger. So, now you know that everything went well, I suppose.

I'm honestly extremely relieved beyond belief that she knows now. I don't need to keep hiding it from her of all people. Though I did say this to myself the last time I came out to someone IRL about it, so you can feel free to take this with a grain of salt.

Edited February 6, 2013 by Paws

[Seeker of the Way]

Wonderful to hear it turned out well! Congratulations!