All I ever wanted

[Hygge]

I just want to post like my random babble of stories... I don't want to care about grammar or word usage or punctuation or anything, these are just my ridiculously unedited, raw stories. If no one enjoys them, okay, I'm mostly writing them for myself... It's kind of a mix of experiences I've had with the past, adding care taking and sneeziness and illness and imagining the situation, written out into a story.

So, for instance, this first bit is inspired by when I was visiting my cousin. We're really close, she was like my sanctuary. If you'd rather imagine it differently than a close-cousin relationship, by all means make it feel your own and apply it to you instead of me. It might involve other rough topics, like depression and family and drugs haha, fictitious though inspired by my experiences. This is like... my outlet. My fictional comfort. But it may just stick with sneezing exclusively, we'll see. I might keep with this scenario for a while, or I might move on to a different experience that I want to imagine.

I want it to be honest and raw, I don't want to have to make an effort to please an audience. I just want to write, and feel, no expectations or intentions to please anyone. So, maybe no one will enjoy this. Sorry if it's godawful. It might be kind of personal. But I always appreciate feedback.

I woke up to Kaitlyn’s alarm. Such an obnoxious tune, but she wasn’t the easiest to wake up. This stupid little tune used to get stuck in our heads throughout the day, we’d find each other humming it during random activities like watering the neighbor’s garden or driving. It was terribly catchy.

Kaitlyn snoozed a few times, before finally waking up. I pretended to stay asleep. I knew she felt bad about waking me up in the morning. I kept my eyes shut as I listened to her clamor through the room. After a few minutes, she exited and gently shut the door. I reached my arm over to the warm space on the bed that she had left.

I fell back asleep, a few hours passing before my next wake. I didn’t feel rested at all, but it was getting late. Luckily, Kaitlyn had a short day today before she would be off for the week. She wanted to spend the week with me while I was visiting, as hard as it was for her to take off work from her nursing job. It worked out though, she already had a couple of the days off and only had to miss a few.

I didn’t spend my time doing much of anything. Laundry, preparing lunch, doing dishes... I felt so out of energy. I guess the traveling was getting to me. I mean, my own time zone was only an hour off, I’d never noticed it making any difference besides today.

Kaitlyn finally returned at about 1 o’clock. I already had our bagel sandwiches prepared as she burst through the door.

“Hello, lovely!” Her energy and positivity was radiating. I loved that about her.

I walked over to her, a dopy smile on my face, giving her a welcoming hug. She set down her bags and wrapped me in her embrace. I took in the comforting scent of her faded perfume and warmth.

“How was your day?” She asked.

“I didn’t really do anything…” I admitted, shrugging. “Nothing exciting.”

“Well we’re about to make it exciting.” She said with a smile. “What should we do?”

I showed her the lunch I prepared. She was so grateful to have a prepared lunch. We brought our food upstairs to eat in front of the TV, which we didn’t usually do, but it seemed to be that kind of a day. I followed her up the stairs, a plate in one hand and a drink in the other, when my nose suddenly started running. I tried to wipe it off on my arm without spilling anything in my hands, but it didn’t seem to be helping. I sniffled and sat down next to her on the couch. She seemed to notice that something was up before I even caught on. She looked at me as I sniffled wetly, I suddenly felt embarrassed for making such a rude gesture, I totally thought she was going to correct me or scorn me. She didn’t look bothered, or even grossed out in the slightest. She just seemed to be noticing me.

We picked a show and ate our food. A few minutes in, a sudden prickle built up in my nose. I tried to sniff it back, suppress it, steady my breath, but nothing was helping. I turned away quickly. “Ah’KCHEW!!”

“Bless you.” Kaitlyn acknowledged.

The sneeze seemed to just lodge all of my snot into my nose, making it stuffy and drippy and hard to breathe through. I pinched my nostrils, sniffling. “Heh’CHOO!!”

Kaitlyn let out a small giggle. “Bless you.” She handed me her napkin, the only napkin that we had brought upstairs.

“Thanks.” I said, taking it from her and wiping at my nose.

Once we had finished our food, we set our plates to the side and she let her head fall on my shoulder. We gradually slid down against each other, using each other as a pillow. I couldn’t see the TV very good from this position, but I wasn’t even paying that much attention to it. I just felt like going back to sleep.

I was still sniffling. It felt unnecessarily loud and thick. I wanted it to go away and stop being a bother. The tickle returned as my gaze drifted to the big bay window across from the couch. I breathed in steadily, letting the air out in spurts, trying to fight off the urge again. I didn’t want to move from the comfort of Kaitlyn’s body. But I could only fight it for so long. I sat up in an instant. “Ehh’hetCHOO!!”

“Bless you.” Kaitlyn said. I thanked her as she added, “Why are you sneezing so much?”

I felt embarrassed. But tried to shrug it off. “I don’t know…” I said, sniffling and picking up my napkin to wipe the dribble from my nose.

“Do you not feel good?” She pulled me over to her, pressing her hands on my head and cheeks.

I shrugged. “I’m tired, but it’s okay.” I didn’t really feel sick at this point, other than the stubborn nose and fatigue.

Kaitlyn adjusted so that I was lying on the couch with my head on her stomach. “You can nap if you want.” She told me, brushing my hair away from my face with her hand.

I was about to mention how rare it was for me to sleep in the day time, but I relaxed, eventually drifting until I was unable to tell if what I was seeing was real life or a dream.

[Candy Dust]

This is rather sweet. I like how you turned it into something intimate and personal. The word fictional comfort sounds soothing, and I appreciate the honesty of it all.

[Lucyana]

This is perfect! I understand completely about just wanting to write to let it all out. That's kind of what I'm doing with fire and ice, because it isn't just a sneezy fic, it's my outlet, just like this is yours. I think it's wonderful, and you should definately keep going!

[Hygge]

This is rather sweet. I like how you turned it into something intimate and personal. The word fictional comfort sounds soothing, and I appreciate the honesty of it all.

This is perfect! I understand completely about just wanting to write to let it all out. That's kind of what I'm doing with fire and ice, because it isn't just a sneezy fic, it's my outlet, just like this is yours. I think it's wonderful, and you should definately keep going!

Thank you guys a ton. I know it's not the most interesting thing to read haha, I appreciate the understanding and kind words <3

Lucyana, I just checked out your story and I LOVE IT. AH. So good. I usually don't like reading medieval / different era stories because not many people stick with the vernacular of the era or don't keep it realistic (like with existing inventions for instance), but yours is SO constantly on point, I'm sure you'll see me commenting on that thread as well Just wanted to say that I checked it out and love it so far

I wrote like a dictionary's length more. It's still just uninteresting rambles. Most of it is like... really comforting for me to read, because almost everything was real aside from the illness that I added haha. But we've always been very close and cuddly and fun, and I miss her a ton, so it's kind of a comfort to write about the things that we did together, as monotonous as they are to everyone other than myself I'm so overly sentimental lol.

So anyway....

When I woke up, Kaitlyn was asleep, slumped away from me on the couch. My throat was so scratchy. It felt like I had a too-tight tie around my neck. I felt the skin around my neck almost expecting something to be compressing it. Swallowing changed nothing, stretching it did nothing, clearing my throat softly did nothing…

Kaitlyn looked so peaceful. Her wavy hair was covering half of her face. One of her legs was off of the couch. I wriggled away from her touch and snuck downstairs, cleaning up our lunch plates and getting a drink of water. I still felt like I was dreaming.

I heard the stairs creek as Kaitlyn appeared around their corner. “Morning.” She joked with a smile.

“Did I wake you up?” It was kind of hard to speak. My throat felt so collapsed.

“Oh I just noticed you weren’t there, did you just get up too?” She stretched, her words turning into a yawn.

I nodded in reply.

“How are you?” She asked.

“Fine.” I shrugged.

“Still tired?” She walked closer to me, opening the dishwasher for our used plates.

I thought about it for a second. “I don’t know.” I answered.

“Am I supposed to know? I’m not your body.” Kaitlyn smirked. She always encouraged me to give answers instead of just saying ‘I don’t know’ to avoid answering.

I returned her smile. “Just a little tired.” I shrugged.

“Do you feel up for going out? Or too tired?” She seemed to have something planned. I wondered if it involved other people or just me and her. Not that I was reclusive, but I didn’t feel like making the effort to feign energy for people I wasn’t comfortable being genuine with.

“I’m good with anything.” I am so awful at giving direct answers.

“I was thinking we could go see the troll bridge.” Kaitlyn had told me about it. It was essentially just a freeway bridge with a massive troll head carved on the hill underneath.

“Yeah.” I grinned.

We got ready and headed for the bus. It was faster and cheaper than trying to drive across town in the traffic. We walked the short distance to the bus stop and sat on a bench, waiting for our bus to come.

“How is your family?” She asked, making conversation, I assumed.

“They’re good I think.” I shrugged.

“I mean, how are they with you? Are you getting along?” Kaitlyn was always pretty straightforward. If she wanted to ask about a touchy topic, she didn’t wait for me to bring it up, and she didn't hide her thoughts from me, like many did. As awkward as I was with talking about personal things, I adored that she cared enough to ask rather than assume. I loved that she didn’t hide her opinions or treat me like I was helpless or above fault. Her care, her love, was authentic. She wasn’t just there to listen. She was there to listen and help and keep me accountable.

“Uhhmm..” My voice faltered, catching on a tickle that arose from the back of my nose. Kaitlyn waited for me to answer. I was looking her in the eye, and felt my face buckle, giving into the tickle. I looked away before ducking into my elbow. “Hehh’CHOO’eh!!” My nose and eyes were both watering. I tried to steady my gaze back to normal but the tickle remained, my eyes squinting and my nostrils flaring without my intention.

“Bless–“

“Huh’KSHEWW!!”

“–you.” Kaitlyn said, interrupted by my sneeze. “Twice.” She added.

“Th-thanks.” I still felt another sneeze building, but attempted to hold it at bay rather than encourage it. “My family’s… I… try to ignore them… I don’t know.”

“You know.” Kaitlyn rubbed her hand on my shoulder.

I sniffled sharply, still trying to rid my nose of the faint prickle. “It doesn’t ma-….tter.” I felt so self conscious. One, we were out in public and I wasn’t comfortable talking about the things I really wanted to say. Two, I was trying to suppress this stubborn sneeze and it probably made people assume my stammering voice was caused by emotion with this personal topic, they probably thought I would burst into tears at any moment. Three, I just couldn’t talk about it right now. And I was tired. It was too hard.

“It does matter.” Kaitlyn grabbed my hand.

I couldn’t even respond or explain. My eyebrows narrowed, I could tell my look was probably of panic. The sneeze sprung full force. I couldn’t time everything quickly enough; I didn’t want to rip my hand from her grasp, I didn’t want to drop my purse from my other hand, I didn’t want to practically lean into Kaitlyn so that I could sneeze into my elbow… So, I did the best thing I could think of in the split-second I had to contemplate. I sneezed downward, uncovered. “Ahhk’SSHEWW!! Ugh.” My nose was dripping, I had no choice but to pull my hand away, holding the heel of my hand do the underside of my nose. I glanced around to make sure no strangers were staring at me.

Kaitlyn was unbuckling her purse. “Bless you.” She pulled out a packet of tissues, opening it and handing me one.

I didn’t even try to courteously suppress my sniffles like I usually did. I didn’t want snot dripping down my face. Ugh. It was so thick and icky, I tried to rid it from my nose but sniffled too sharply, bringing the irritation back to my nose. It wasn’t quite enough to make me sneeze, but kept my nose running and my breath a little uneven. I tried to squeeze out the mucous in my nose within the tissue, too embarrassed to blow.

Finally, the bus arrived and I stuffed the messy tissue in my pocket, following Kaitlyn to some seats in the middle. I was sniffling the entire drive. Kaitlyn kept looking at me, as if waiting for me to admit something. Maybe she was still waiting on my awkward-personal-family-relationship answer.

We came to our stop and left the bus. It left us with a few blocks to walk uphill to get to the troll. The weather was overcast, but not raining yet. The troll was impressive. Kaitlyn told me that the volkswagon beetle it held was a real car that was brought up to add to the carved out troll. We climbed to the top of his head. In the shady area behind, their was a large homeless community. I thought that if I were homeless, this is where I would want to be. Such a neat, beautiful, scenic area protected from the snow and rain, with a nice community of others. Not that homelessness would be glamorous.

Someone took our picture for us. I realized how much I wished I had showered. I wasn’t dirty, but I was so self conscious and felt like I was enough of a mess of snot and fatigue-induced ugly that I should’ve made the effort.

We walked back down into town and decided to walk around the shops, eventually stopping at a thai restaurant for dinner. We were seated on the floor, on pillows, right at the front window. It was kind of a funny place to eat dinner. It felt like being a mannequin in the front window of a store, on display.

The food was kind of spicy. My nose was still a huge mess, and the peppery food was making it run even more. It seemed to open it up a bit at least, which was a relief until I felt the strong urge to sneeze emerge. I held my already messy napkin over my face as my eyes fluttered. It was right on the edge but wouldn’t come. “Ehh…” I was gasping awkwardly, turning away from the window to avoid the eyes of the window shoppers. It would die down a bit, and return even stronger, making my chest heave and my breath gulp. “Heh-EHH… Heh…EHH’KISHEWW!!!”

“Bless you.” Kaitlyn said through a mouth full of food.

“Tha’nnh… Hehhh… HUH’TSHOO!! “Eh’TSHOOO’ehh!!” My nose was running so much, it was mortifying. My napkin was useless.

“What’s wrong? You’re sneezing so much today.” Kaitlyn asked. I looked at her, both my hands clasping the napkin to my nose, and with a look of flustered terror as I desperately tried to keep the liquid under control.

She handed me her napkin, slightly used but better than nothing. I cleaned myself up, the powerful sneezes bringing on a headache of stuffiness and my nose still dripping constantly.

“You okay?” Kaitlyn asked once I had the situation more under control.

I nodded. “…so freaking embarrassed…” I mumbled.

“Aw, it’s alright. When we get home I’ve got a neti pot you can try, maybe that’ll help.” Kaitlyn grabbed another tissue from her purse for me. “Do you feel like you’re getting sick?”

If I was I wouldn’t admit it… Ugh, I hated being the burden. No one would want to be around my contagious, germy self. I didn’t want Kaitlyn to feel like she needed to take care of me or be around me and expose herself. I didn’t want to be watched in close detail and monitored and checked on. I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?” She asked calmly.

I shrugged again.

“You don’t know how you feel?”

I shrugged. Shrugs for days.

“Does your throat hurt?” Let the questionnaire begin…

I shrugged. Kaitlyn raised her eyebrows at me. I looked down. “It just feels really tight.”

“And you said you feel tired. Do your muscles feel tired, too? Like achy?”

I was about to shrug. Such a bad habit. “Kind of yeah…”

Kaitlyn reached across the table and felt my forehead again. “You do feel warm.” She said. “And I made you come adventuring with me.” She scolded herself.

“No, I wanted to come… It was fun.” I forced a smile. It was fun, that wasn’t a lie. But smiling just did not feel natural at the moment. My head felt heavy and almost sedated. My eyes widened slightly, and I rushed to pick up a tissue. “PSSHIEWW!!”

“Bless you. Time to go home.” Kaitlyn waved the waitress over.

Outside, it was beginning to drizzle. The sun had almost finished setting. We walked to the bus stop, the rain increasing steadily as we went. Kaitlyn kept looking at me. She looked so concerned, I felt like I needed to be fake okay so that she didn’t have to be. I would try to smile or joke, I even tried skipping once and almost slipped in a puddle. I decided trying to exert myself physically just made it more obvious that I was unwell, and stuck with just trying to look like a healthy person would look. How do you, like, form your face to look unstick? I tried to think of ways… Stop sniffling. But my nose was dripping… Wipe it away inconspicuously. Focus on things, get that feverish daze out of your eyes.

By the time we arrived at the bus stop near home, it was pouring. It was dark, windy, chilly, and I was an idiot and didn’t bring a jacket. But I was a healthy person. Stop shivering. Don’t sniffle.

Kaitlyn was walking quickly. I was trying to keep up, but the tickle in my nose was such a distraction. Focusing on everything in attempt to subdue it, I found myself slowing my pace and falling a couple steps behind her. The raindrops were dripping down my face, down my hair, sealing through my clothes… At least it was kind of washing the snot away from my face. But the tickle wouldn’t leave. I stopped in my tracks, putting both of my fists up to my nose. It was too cold to unclench them.

“Hehh…ESHOOO’uh!!!” I staggered slightly, looking at my surroundings in an attempt to regain balance. “Ehh…” I breathed in a whisper, building up for the second. “Huh’KISSHOOO!!” Stupid heavy head, it made it so hard to keep my balance. And it was so dark…

Kaitlyn turned around. I noticed that my lack of focus left me exposed. I was shivering, my nose was running, I was swaying in my stance. “Okay?” Kaitlyn asked, peeling her sweatshirt off and handing it to me.

“It’s fine…” I shook my head.

“Put it on.” She rolled it so that it was ready to just be slipped over my head.

I failed. I was the burden. I was the contamination. I was the selfish child forcing her to take care of me. I hesitated, but complied as she helped me slip the sweatshirt over my head. She walked next to me, looping her arm through mine. I could tell she wanted to hurry, but was continuously looking back to me, making sure I was keeping up painlessly. We approached the driveway, a rather steep hill. She slowed her pace for me, releasing my arm to put hers around my back.

“I’m okay.” I ensured her. Though she still kept her grip on me. The porch light was on. The tickle was growing again. It hardly went away. Her hand was reassuringly on my back, I knew she could tell what was going on as I hitched for a breath. “Hih’ehh… “Hehh’nnn…” I kept losing it in gasps. I brought my hand up to hover over my mouth, dropping it each time the sneeze was lost. I turned quickly away from Kaitlyn when it returned. “Heh’ITCHOOO!!!” I raised my arm, feeling guilty as soon as it happened. “Heh’mmfSHOO!!” I muffled it partially into the sleeve of Kaitlyn’s sweatshirt. “Ahh’KSHOOO!!”

“Bless you.” Kaitlyn said again. “Almost there.”

My nose was ridiculous. It had already exploded all over the elbow of Kaitlyn’s sweatshirt. I was the burden. Ugh. And it was still running like crazy. I tried to wipe at it with my hands, but it did absolutely nothing but make my hands super gross. I tried to sniffle, so thick and difficult because my nose was so stuffed. Also useless. My eyes darted to Kaitlyn, as if expecting her to give me permission to use her sweatshirt like a tissue. I didn’t look long, though, I didn’t want her to see my nose running down my face and be grossed out. We were soaked. I held my knuckle under my nose, continuing to sniffle. It didn’t really help. But it got Kaitlyn’s attention. We walked through the garage and into the back door of the house. She sat my on the couch and grabbed the box of tissues that was in the downstairs bathroom.

“I’mb so gross…” I murmured into a tissue.

“No you’re not. You’re beautiful.” Kaitlyn pulled my wet hair away from my face. I almost laughed. Beautiful? Not even when I was well and dry.

I shook my head at her.

“Even when you’re a sicky.” She smiled. She put her hand on my forehead again. “I’m gonna get a thermometer. And a towel. Actually, you want me to start a bath for you?”

I nodded. “I’ll come.” I stood up, embarrassingly unsteady. She secured her arm around me and we made our way upstairs. I sat on the bathroom floor with a thermometer in my mouth while Kaitlyn started the bath. She lit candles and put a menthol-y bath soak that she thought would help. She held it the container up for my to smell. It was so strong, it irritated my nose instantly. It did open my nose up, but also made it a faucet and the strong scent made sneezing inevitable.

She asked if I liked the scent.

“Ye’ep…” I managed before snapping my head away. “KSSHHEWW!!!” The thermometer fell out of my mouth. I held in one hand, with my other hand pressed to my nose. “HetCHOOO!!! Huh’ESHHOO!!!”

“Sorry.” Kaitlyn said. “Too strong? Will the bath be okay?”

“It’s good, it’s strong, but at least I can breathe. I like it.” I assured her. I hated being the burden. I put the thermometer back in my mouth, I wasn’t sure if something like that would disrupt it but… it seemed to still be going…

It beeped a dozen seconds later.

“100.9. No denying it now, lovely.” She told me.

“That’s not that bad…” I shrugged.

“It’s not good. It’s a fever. And I made you walk all around the city with me…” She said apologetically.

“It was cool. I enjoyed it and you didn’t know I was sick. It wasn’t that bad earlier…” Burden alert.

“I thought you were, I shouldn’t have suggested to go out.” She wrapped me in her arms, laying her head on mine.

“Don’t even worry about it. Please.” I responded.

“Okay… but seriously tell me how you feel. No denying, no hiding, no ‘I don’t know’ or shrugging, ‘kay?” She pulled out of the hug to look at me.

“I’ll try.” I told her.

“You’ll try and you’ll succeed. You’ll do it.” She pleaded. “For me.”

“Okay.” I agreed.

Kaitlyn kissed the top of my head before leaving so that I could take my bath.

I didn’t get why she wasn’t grossed out, or why she didn’t want to at least stay away from me. I felt guilty for being like a dormant volcano, threatening to erupt and contaminate at any moment, I didn’t want her to make any kind of sacrifice for me. But she cared, and I couldn’t stop that.

Edited April 14, 2014 by BubbleTea

[Amberlight24]

This. is. ADORABLE!

[Kshu]

So cute, I really like that it's low key, real down to Earth story.

[Hygge]

Thank you guys

Once I was out of the bath, I found Kaitlyn lying on the bed with a book. I hesitated at the doorway. I wondered if she was still planning on sharing her bed with a germy patient. She patted the bed next to her, the side closest to the wall.

“I can sleep somewhere else…” I began.

“No it’s okay, I’d really rather spend time with you and be here if you need me. It’s also way more comfortable, I got out these awesome fleece sheets for you.” Kaitlyn peeled up my side of the bed, revealing the lime green super soft sheets. “Come on.”

“Okay.” I agreed, crawling into place. “These sheets are soo nice.” I snuggled down into them. The best thing about fleece sheets is that no matter how cold you are and how cold it is outside, they aren’t cold when you touch them. They’re just extra cozy and welcoming.

“Aren’t they awesome?” Kaitlyn smiled. She closed her book and turned off the lamp. “Anything new and exciting?” She asked me.

“Um…nope…” I answered thoughtfully.

“Anything new and…not so exciting?”

I stayed quiet for a moment. “I don’t know.”

“You do.” She half whispered.

“I know. I just… It’s weird to talk about.” I searched for the words. The tickle that seemed to be permanently lodged in my nostrils was growing. I wished it would just wait for a time when all of the attention was not on me, and when I was not trying to think and choose my words cautiously.

“Why is it weird? Do you not want to talk about it?” Kaitlyn was rolled on her side, facing me.

“I don’t know. I want to, kind of. Because I know it’ll be a relief. But it’s hard to say, and I don’t want to complain or talk badly about people…and…stuff…” My breath began to hitch.

“It’s not complaining, and I don’t mind it. I want to help you. I won’t think badly about you or others because of what you say.”

I was sniffling again, trying to keep my jaw from slacking open with the urge to sneeze increasing every second.

She scooted closer to me and wrapped me in her arms. Ummm worst timing ever. I wondered if she thought my sniffles were caused by tears.

“W-wait…” I said softly, turning my head as far away from her as I could and holding my hand over my mouth. “Ehh’SHOOO’uh!! Huh’KISSHEWW!!

“Bless you.” Kaitlyn said, reaching down to her purse on the floor for the mini pack of tissues. She handed me the pack.

“Thanks.” I said, accepting her grasp around me and cleaning myself up.

“We can talk later. You should try to get some rest.” Kaitlyn said softly.

“I can stay up if you want me to.” I assured.

“No, sleep is good. Wake me if you need anything, though, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight love bug.”

“Night.” I whispered, already feeling the sleep taking over.

It was still dark when I woke up. My throat felt like their was something inside it, pushing to get out. There was a damp spot on my pillow where my nose was tucked. Ugh. I couldn’t tell where I was, the room felt so cold but the sheets were on fire. I couldn’t breathe through my nose at all. I dug for the pack of tissues that were somewhere… ah, under my pillow. I stuck squeezed one around my nose, wiping at it quietly. I attempted to milk the mucous down and out, but created the most intense prick in my nostrils. I tried so hard to suppress it, I really didn’t want to wake Kaitlyn up.

“Heh-ehhh…” I breathed softly, pinching my nose closed with the tissue. That was the wrong idea to try, it only made the tickle grow. I turned on my side, facing the wall. “NNGKSHT!!!” Stifling hurt my ears so much. “KNNGGXXTCH!!” My nose erupted, I was glad there was a tissue covering it. “Hih-EHKT’SHEEWW!!” I let it out, not wanting to make a bigger mess. I immediately started coughing from my chest, it felt so tight as it rattled my lungs. I couldn’t stop it, though I tried constantly.

I felt Kaitlyn’s hand rubbing my back. “You okay?” She spoke softly.

“I–“ I tried to apologize for waking her, but couldn’t even get a word out.

Kaitlyn sat up, lifting me up with her. “Come on, sit up.” She advised, still rubbing my back soothingly.

I sat up slowly, not looking at her, facing away with the back of my hand turning my head to the side.

“It’s okay…”

I felt so extremely dramatic. Just stop already… I eventually decided to get out of the situation and get some water. I scooted away from Kaitlyn’s touch, off the bottom of the bed, and started walking out into the hallway. I didn’t look back to see if she was following, though I thought I heard her. It was so hard to go down the stairs. I leaned on the banister for support, I felt my body trying to crumble underneath me, I couldn’t steady my vision. But I made it, and kept walking to the kitchen. Finally, I made it, got myself some water, and drank the glass in between coughs.

Kaitlyn came around the corner into the kitchen, her eyes looked worries. “You okay?”

I nodded, still coughing slightly.

She went around me to a cabinet, pulling out bottles and boxes of medicine.

I pressed my back up against the fridge, sliding to the ground. It felt so good to sit down. The ground was cool and it felt so relaxing.

Kaitlyn came over next to me, holding a box and a bottle. “I have these pills, but they’re not for a cough. I think you should take this but you can choose.” She held out the syrup.

I pointed to the syrup. I hated that stuff but I would always choose what she suggested. She filled the cap and handed it to me. Of course it was awful, I knew it would be, but I managed to swallow it, coughing slightly as a reflex.

“Drink some more water.” She instructed, handing me my cup. I followed her direction, sipping at the glass.

She laid her hand on my head. “You feel so hot.” She commented. I set the water cup on the floor, laying my head against the cool wooden floor. “Come on, I’ll help you back to the bed.” She held me as we walked cautiously back up the stairs.

I crawled over to my spot. Kaitlyn left the room, returning a few seconds later with the thermometer. I stuck it in my mouth once again, sitting propped up against the wall. She left again. I listened to a cabinet open and the sound of the water running. It sounded soothing and methodical. I lied down on the bed, waiting for the thermometer to beep. Kaitlyn came back with a damp cloth, sitting next to me and wiping it over my face until the thermometer went off. She pulled it out of my mouth.

“103.3” She set the thermometer on the end table and returned her attention to me. “That’s so much worse.” She frowned.

“It’s okay…” My voice sounded so stupid. It was all husky and irritated my throat, making me cough a few times.

“I’m gonna get your water.” Kaitlyn told me.

I let my eyes fall shut before she returned. They were so heavy… I tried to stay awake, but my thoughts were swimming in front of me. It would be less work for her if I just feel asleep now anyway…

Edited April 15, 2014 by BubbleTea

[8lifflefoot]

This is so beautiful! I love your writing style!!

[Amberlight24]

This is a work of art. You are an AMAZING writer! I love your character so much! Update soon!

[Hibiscus]

"Milk the mucous down."

Oh wow, interesting choice of words there. Nice creation of imagery!

[Hygge]

This is a totally unrelated story. I felt like writing a "pieces of real but mostly fiction" story about uhhh this.

So warning, there is drinking and puking. I know, no one wants to read that crap. But hey, this is life, and it happens lol. So I don't want to take out the parts that make it more real.

Not that much sneezing in the first bit. I intended to include it but got distracted. I plan on eventually continuing the previous story and this one, but who knows when. I just want to write when I feel like writing, and write about what I feel like writing about. And today we got this out of it lol.

It was just past midnight. My phone vibrated, alerting me that Ella was here to pick me up. I pressed my ear to the door, confirming the sound of my dad’s rhythmic snore. It seemed like good timing. I crawled on my bed, pushing the screen out of my door and climbing out silently. Obviously this wasn’t the first time.

I could hear Ella’s car rumbling in front of the house. I walked quickly around the house and got in the front seat next to her. I could tell she was tired.

“Hey.” I said softly. She flicked the lights of the car on, pulling away from the curb.

“Hey.” She smiled at me. She pushed her bushy, dark brown hair away from her face.

We drove down out of my neighborhood. I felt safer being in the car. It was so quiet and still outside. The green hills looked greyed out in the dark. I watched everything pass by the window. It was like our own world, a parallel of our hometown — but this one belonged to us. This ashen, shadowy land, where the trees and buildings looked the same, but different.

Ella took in a sharp breath. “Heh-CHOO!!” She kept both of her hands on the wheel, ducking slightly toward her left arm, away from me.

“Look out for that traffic.” I joked.

“Yeah at least if I sneeze and jerk the wheel, we won’t die from a head on collision.” She laughed.

Me: “Instead we’ll just hit the ground too hard when we go off the road.”

Ella: “It always ends in death.”

Me: “And this is the best way to do it.”

Ella: “This got morbid.”

We both laughed. The car slowed as we neared our destination. Ella flicked the headlights off again, and we coasted on the road along the beach. The dark waves were rolling, though it was hard to make out their movement. We pulled into a driveway of an abandoned house and exited the car. Ella opened the backseat door, grabbing two bottles of wine and a couple of plastic cups.

“I hope this stuff is better than what we got last time.” I grabbed one of the bottles from her and we began our cautious stroll across the rocks that cut us off from the sandy beach.

“Well, Clea loves it. But, then, she’ll drink just about anything, I think.” Ella kept her gaze on the steps she took over the rocks. “But it can’t be as bad as that ‘wild-turkey-whatever.”

I laughed at the memory. “Yeah, good thing we exposed ourselves to the worst possible drink. Now it’s all on the up.”

We sat in the sand, listening to the waves crash in front of us.

I ripped the foil off the top of my bottle. “Uhh… You did bring a corkscrew…?”

“Uh oh.” Ella looked at me.

We went over our options one by one. Smashing the top? That would make a huge mess and waste a lot of the drink. It would probably just shatter the entire bottle. I had seen a video on how to open a wine bottle by putting it in a shoe and banging it against a wall. But all we had were flipflops and a car. We left our drinks on the beach to search for any kind of supply that Ella might have in her car that could solve our dilemma.

“What about this?” Ella held up a screwdriver.

“Uhh I guess we can try it.” I agreed.

We stepped cautiously over the rocks once again. Ella paused, straddling her stance over two boulders. “Heh… EH’CHOO!!” She shook in her stance, losing her footing. I grabbed her arm and tried to help soften her fall.

“You okay??” I asked, holding her hand and helping her up.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” She brushed herself off, I took the screwdriver from her hand. She was sniffling softly.

“First you almost drive us off the road, then you go tumbling down a mountain…” I joked.

“And we haven’t even had a drop to drink yet.” She laughed.

“And we might never if we can’t figure out a way to make this screwdriver useful.” I said as we hopped off the last of the rocks.

We sat across from each other with our legs crossed. Ella held the bottle nestled in her lap, shoving the screwdriver into the cork.

“Don’t break it.” I warned.

“I don’t think I can get it out.” She sighed, but continued to push the screwdriver into the cork. It popped suddenly, spraying Ella in the face. She gasped. “Uuugh.”

We both started laughing. “Did it work?” I asked her. “Can you get anything?”

She tipped the bottle upside down into her mouth. The cork still blocked it from giving more than a drop.

“We’ll be drunk by next month.” She laughed. She struggled with the screwdriver, turning the cork sideways so that it let the terrible nectar spill out. “Success!” She announced.

Now it was my turn. I repeated Ella’s method, cringing in expectation for it to explode in my face.

“Here, I’m already covered.” Ella grabbed the screwdriver from me and finished it off, spraying both of us.

We filled our cups. “Cheers.” I held mine up to her.

“Cheers.” She returned.

We guzzled as quickly as we could. Neither of us really liked drinking. But being drunk…that was more fun. The question was whether or not it was worth it.

Ella’s cup was about an inch lower than it had been. Mine was already half empty.

“How did you become such a chugging pro?” Ella’s eyes widened at me. The last time we had done this, I took the tiniest sips and still almost threw up with each one. I had tried to chug but failed.

“I learned.” I smiled. “I just like sing a song in my head and go for it.” I said with a laugh.

This stuff did not taste good. Ella agreed. It wasn’t as bad as the stuff we’d had before, but it was bad. We thought almost all alcohol tasted bad, though. And yet, we chugged on. Ella was still behind, but was catching up. We thought it would take forever. We finished one cup each and decided to go get the water from the car.

“I think I’m starting to feel it.” I announced. “Maybe.” Everything started to feel more comfy. I wanted to lie on the ground. I started to float wherever I went, just the tiniest bit.

We returned to our drinking site and started back up. We filled our second cups, chugged, drank some water… It was definitely kicking in.

We laid in the sand, hands behind our heads, and stared up at the clouds.

“Yup, I feel it.” Ella agreed. “I forgot how good it feels.”

“Yeah.” I agreed. “Maybe I won’t even make it to the pukey stage this time.” Every time we had gotten drunk in the past, I always ended up getting sick. It was the most discouraging factor to the drinking for me. But at the moment, I felt totally fine. I wanted to get up and run around, or do handstands, or go swim.

We drank another glass. Somehow. My belly was getting so full. But I still felt fine. We did handstands. I couldn’t really tell where the ground was, and where I would land, but I reminded myself how to roll. Whether I did it or not, it felt right and I sprung back up. We gave each other piggy back rides. Ella’s nose was running. She was getting stuffy and kept sniffling.

We emptied our bottles. We talked about the things we hated, the things we loved, everything felt so right. Until my stomach flipped.

“I’m gonna go throw up over there, be back…” I said nonchalantly, striding over to a corner of rocks. I climbed and stumbled over them. Reminding myself how I climbed them when I was a kid, and making it to the spot I aimed for. I barely even puked. I was proud of myself. I made it back to Ella. She was lying on the sand, her feet were in the water.

“What if the stars started raining.” She suggested. “Like, they wouldn’t grow to be real things, they’d be the size they are and just fall around us.”

“That would be cool.” I lied next to her in the sand.

We stayed there for a while before Ella decided we should throw the bottles away. We stood up and I sprinted to my rock. I fell on the ground but it didn’t feel like falling. I stood up on my knees and held myself up by a rock that I hadn’t noticed was there. I stayed like that, my body purging all of the liquid out of my stomach. By some miracle I hadn’t puked all over myself. Ella was rubbing my back.

“It’s okay.” She was soothingly. “So you’re a fun drunk, but you do not hold your alcohol well.” She laughed.

“Ugh I thought I was gonna make it.” I said. She lifted me up, we started walking back to the car.

“You okay now?” She asked. She sniffled wetly as she dropped our wine bottles in the trash can.

“Yeah. Yeah.” I nodded. My head was so heavy.

She left my side, unlocking the car and throwing our water bottles in the back seat. I walked away from the car and fell onto my hands and knees on the street. There was nothing left in my stomach, so I just puked up acid and spit and tried to breathe while my stomach tried to pull itself up into my throat.

I was there for a moment before Ella found me. She came over with some napkins from the car. I sat up and rolled onto my back. It felt so terrible. I couldn’t really see, I knew Ella was there but I just wanted the feeling to go away. It was not worth it. The brief moment of fun and freedom was not worth it. She wiped my face with the napkins, brushing my hair away and trying to comfort me.

“You okay? Come on sit up.” She lifted me up. She was still unsteady herself. She helped me walk over to the car, we sat up against it on the ground. I continued to throw up the nothing that was in my stomach, Ella kept rubbing my back, holding my hair back, wiping my face. It was such a miserable couple of hours.

Finally, I got into the car. Ella got into the drivers seat, we sat there for a long time. Once I was sure I was probably not going to puke again, she started the car. She drove extremely slowly. The kind of slow that would cause suspicion. But the streets were empty. I couldn’t tell if we were really on the road, or where we were going. I wasn’t really watching.

Ella sniffed before snapping her head down toward her lap. “Heh’CHEWW!!”

It brought me back to reality.

She sniffled again. “Heh…Ehhh…Hih’CHOOO!!!” She sniffled more loudly.

“Okay?” I asked her, somewhat dazed.

“Yup.” She sniffled sharply, wiping her nose on the back of her hand.

I felt around for the napkins, finally finding them in the middle console. I handed her one.

“Thagnks.” She said, crumpling it over her nose with one hand.

We finally made it back to my house. We stopped out front with the lights turned off.

“Will you be okay?” Ella asked.

“Yeah, I’m good.” I assured her. “What about you? What about driving home?”

“I’mb fine.” She said. “It’s like barely around the corner.”

“Text me when you’re home.” I told her, just so I would know she made it back safely.

“Okay. I’ll come by tomorrow…?” She asked.

“Yeah of course.” I smiled.

Summer had begun.

[Hygge]

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my parents getting ready for work. I felt fine, but there was no way I was getting out of bed yet.

I heard them leave the house and continued to sleep and wake until my phone buzzed. It was a text from Ella.

Ella: Are you awake yet?

Me: Yeah, still in bed.

Ella: How’s the hangover?

Me: Practically nonexistent.

Ella: Speaking of hanging over… Breakfast?

Me: Come on over.

I swung my legs over the bed. The hangover kicked up. I didn’t feel like I was going to vomit immediately, but it wasn’t comfortable. I used the bathroom and washed my face before changing out of yesterday’s clothes.

I was looking through the kitchen when I heard a soft knock on the door. It opened as Ella called “Helloooo?”

“In the kitchen.” I called back.

Ella came in, her long, curly hair was pulled into a messy ponytail. She was still in pajamas.

“It’s early.” She said, sitting on one of the bar stools at the counter.

My stomach was still lurching. I didn’t respond, I just stood still.

“You don’t look hungover at all.” Ella smirked.

“It was fine until I got up.” I explained.

“Yeah, I know how you feel. Food will help us.” Ella stood up from her stool. I noticed her sniffling still. Her nose looked pink around the rims of her nostrils.

We worked together, preparing the pan for eggs and guzzling water every other second.

Ella stood with the carton of eggs in her arms. “Here.” She passed them to me, turning her head away. I barely managed to grab them in time. “Heh’ICHEWW!!” Her eyes were still squinted, her hand poised over her mouth. “Hih’CHOO!!”

“I thought you were against abortion.” I joked, barely saving the carton of eggs from their inevitable destruction.

Ella laughed, which turned quickly into a rough cough.

“Don’t die.” I said, passing her glass of water.

“We all will.” She sipped at her cup, clearing her throat.

“Die another day.”

“Like tomorrow.” She grinned before coughing slightly.

“Not tomorrow. We’re supposed to have fun tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah!” She remembered, her eyes brightening. “Nonstop fun from now until the end of the month. What are we gonna do?”

Ella’s parents had left today to visit her older sister. After some convincing, they agreed to let Ella stay behind. By herself. And invited me to keep her company whenever she needed it.

We talked about throwing a party. But the two of us weren’t exactly outgoing.

We sat at the bar counter with our breakfast plates. We weren’t hungry at all, but hoped and prayed that the greasy food would magically cure our hangovers.

Ella was sniffling again. She was staring forward blankly. She quickly picked up her napkin and held it over her face. “Heh’SHEWW!! Ugh. Who gets sick in the summer?” She groaned.

“Apparently you.” I reached to the adjacent counter, grabbing the box of tissues and placing them next to her.

“Sneezing hurts my head.” She complained, laying her head on the counter for emphasis. “Hangovers are stupid.”

She looked adorable. Her pouty face was staring at me, slightly obscured by her unfinished breakfast plate. I found myself smiling at her.

“To the rescue…” I stood up from my seat and dug through the cabinet of medicine. We didn’t have any kind of cold medicine, but we had ibuprofen. I opened the container, taking one for myself and handing one to her.

“My life blood.” She joked graciously, popping it in her mouth and taking a gulp of water.

“Hangovers are no match for us.” I sat back in my seat.

“You’re cursed. You get yours over with throughout the night and its not even civil enough to leave you alone the next day.”

“I hate alcohol.” I laughed, knowing the irony in the statement.

“Yet you drank more than me.”

“I thought you would catch up.” I was still laughing. “Don’t let me drink that much.”

“I’ll try to save you from your own misery.” She was smiling, but the blank expression on her face was beginning to take over. “I’m a he-hero…” She began, her jaw slacking. Her hand dashed up to her mouth. “Heh’ICHOO!!”

“At least my misery is over. You shouldn’t get drunk when you’re sick.”

“A little late for that…” She plucked a tissue from the box, covering her nose with it.

“What do you want to do?” I asked her once we’d finished our food.

“I wanna veg. I wanna be lazy.” She said decisively. “We can go to my house. We can chill by the pool or watch movies.”

“Sounds good.” I agreed, putting our plates in the sink. I grabbed a few things before following her out the front door. “Did you walk here?” I noticed her car wasn’t anywhere around.

“I thought I might get carsick if I drove.” She laughed at herself, coughing slightly afterward.

“You’re nuts.” I gestured to her pink penguin pajama pants.

“The world needs to know.” She smiled. “I have nothing to hide.”

It wasn’t quite warm outside. Kind of crisp for a summer day. But the sun was warm, the breeze felt nice. We walked in the middle of the street toward Ella’s house. It wasn’t really far at all, but took several minutes. Ella was wiping at her nose with her hand, her breath shaky. She groaned slightly before giving in. “HEH’CHEWW!! Hiihh’CHOOO!!” She sighed.

She looked totally flushed. She was in a good mood, but I could tell she was tired by the way she walked, the look in her eyes. She wasn’t even wearing shoes. I laughed a bit, just noticing this fact. It was so Ella. She was so carefree. I admired it.

“What?” She asked, directed at my laughter.

“You. I’m picturing you walking all the way to my house in your pajamas with no shoes, trying not to puke.” Explaining the image made me laugh even more.

Ella joined in my laughter. “Everyone probably thinks I’m a homeless wandering orphan.”

“It’s a good thing I’m here, you might’ve gotten legally adopted on your own.”

“Or legally kidnapped.” She laughed harder before coughing, gasping for breath.

It continued. I looked at her, worried but not intending to show it. She was coughing harder, more urgently.

“You’re supposed to wait until tomorrow to die.” I reminded her. I looked at her, she was still coughing. She was trying to stop it, but couldn’t. I reached over to her, rubbing her back. We stopped walking, she was practically doubled over.

She finally stopped, breathing heavily. “Crap.” She croaked.

I felt her forehead and cheeks, she was so warm. I stroked the loose hair behind her ears.

She looked at me, her miserable expression made me want to hold her. I pulled her into my arms. She nestled her head into my neck. I wished I could carry her the rest of the way. Her skin was so warm. She seemed to finally give in to how terrible she felt, finally showing it and finally not trying to remain composed.

“It’s okay…” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know any other way to help in the moment.

She was crying. I kept my hand on her back as we walked the last few steps to her house. I led her to the couch and sat down beside her. She was silent as tears rolled town her face.

“What is it?” I pressed cautiously.

She shrugged. “Everyone…left and… I’m here alone now…and I don’t like it…” She said so softly. I knew she didn’t like to complain. She always made her problems into a joke rather than a pity party. But I was glad that she wasn’t trying to be fake okay. I was glad that she didn’t have to hide what she felt.

“I’m here. I’ll stay here with you so you don’t have to be by yourself. I’ll take care of you and try to help you not feel so sick.” I hoped this was a consolation. I hoped she would appreciate me. I knew it wasn’t about me at all, it wasn’t about trying to make myself feel accepted and comfortable. I just wanted to help Ella. But I hoped that I could, and that I could give her what she needed to be comforted. I hoped I was enough.

She was still crying, but nodded and hugged me. I stroked her hair and held her. Eventually, she sat up and wiped the tears from her face. “I’m such a baby.”

“No you’re not.” I assured her.

“I’m begged my parents to let me stay home and now I’m blubbering about it.” She scoffed.

“And you’re sick and hungover and we slept for like 3 hours…” I added.

She looked at me, smiling. It made me happy to see her smiling again.

I grabbed the remote and flicked on the TV. “Netflix?”

She nodded. “TV binge!”

I pulled the blanket draped over the couch and spread it over us. Ella leaned on my shoulder, sniffling. I wanted to get up and stock our vicinity with every comfort I could think of… Medicine, blankets, pillows, tissues, water, soup, tea… But I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to disturb Ella’s serenity. I started a series and settled up against her, letting her fall asleep on my shoulder.

[Hygge]

I'm like in writing mode. I don't care if no one's reading lol. Sooo even mooooore.

I dozed off and on but stayed awake most of the time. Ella was out. She would adjust every so often or snore softly, but never opened her eyes.

I was watching Breaking Bad, somewhere near enough the beginning since Walt still had hair, but into it enough for everyone to know about the cancer. I had watched this series at least 3 times. The first was with Ella, another time through with my sister, and a few episodes here and there with other friends. Ella insisted that we watch something that she’d already seen so that she wouldn’t be missing anything if she slept. It’s interesting to notice new things that you never caught the first time through.

Ella stirred, still leaning up against me. Most of my weight was on the arm of the couch, with Ella leaned up against me. Her knees were pulled in to her chest. Her arms were hugging them to her body. Her breath started to pick up. Her nose was flaring, and her eyes began to flutter open, though squinted. She turned her head into me, nuzzled between my arm and the back of the couch.

“Heh’CHEWW!!!” She lifted her head, putting her hand up to her mouth. “I’mb sor-sorry.” She said through faltered breath. “Hehhh….Hah’CHOOO!!”

“Morning.” I joked.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t even notice what I was doing until I was doing it.” She said frantically.

“It’s okay, I know.” I assured her.

She was wiping my arm off with her hand. As if that did much, but I thought it was cute. She was sniffling and instead of wiping her own dripping nose, she was trying to clean off my arm that she had sneezed on.

“Really it’s fine.” I smiled.

She sighed before her breath began to heave again. She ducked her head into her lap. “Hih’SHEWW!!!”

“Bless you.” I said softly. I hardly ever blessed people. I often wanted to, but felt uncomfortable for some reason. I didn’t want to draw attention, really it was just hard for me to ever be serious.

“Thagk you.” She responded. She was sniffling and wiping at her face with her hands.

I stood up and grabbed a box of tissues from the kitchen. She smiled, pulling several out and blowing her nose as softly as she could manage.

I paused the episode. “Are you hungry?”

“Umbb.. Kind of.” She didn’t sound very convincing. I figured that she didn’t feel good enough to eat, but was willing to so that I wouldn’t go hungry. At the same time, I wanted her body to have more to run off of than last night’s alcohol and a couple of egg bites from this morning.

“I could make soup.” I suggested.

“Mmmb.” The congestion was growing in her voice. “I hope we have sombe.”

I started the episode again for Ella to watch while I searched through the pantry. It didn’t take long before I found a can of chicken noodle soup. I’ve always been awful at cooking. I’m great at following directions for something, like on a can of soup, but if it’s anything that takes real skill, I’m hopeless. Thankfully, the can was here, ready for me to help it do its tasty thing all on its own.

I looked through the medicine cabinet. No cold medicine. Maybe I should go out and buy some, I could borrow Ella’s car. Ella had given me my own key to her car, and encouraged me to come over and use it as if it were my own. It had been her older sister’s, and though it had its own quirky issues, it was in pretty good condition.

I stood by the stove, stirring the soup. Ella started coughing again. It sounded so bad. I grabbed a cup from the cabinet and filled it with water. When I walked in the living room, her arms were buckled around her stomach as she doubled over in her coughing fit. When she saw me, she took one of her arms away and quickly hid her face behind it, still coughing violently.

I handed her the water and sat next to her, rubbing her back again. I was definitely going to go buy some medicine later. She sipped at her water, trying to stop coughing long enough to take a gulp. Slowly, it helped, and she finally breathed uninterrupted.

She groaned, falling over into my arms. I held her, smiling though she couldn’t see my face. I knew she felt terrible…but she was adorable.

Soon, our soup was done and I brought the bowls to the living room. We continued to watch our show, with spoonfuls of delightful soup. Ella was constantly wiping her nose with a tissue. It was so red and irritated at this point.

She sniffled sharply, the blank expression beginning to creep up her face. She set her bowl of soup on the coffee table and tugged a fresh tissue from the box. “Hunhh’EH’CHOO!!! Ihh’CHEEWW!!!” She snapped forward with each sneeze. The last one sent her into a short coughing fit. “I’mb pathetic.” She whimpered. Poor thing.

“Noooo you’re not. You’re just sick. I’m gonna get you some medicine when we’re done eating.” I told her.

“I don’t think we have any…” She started.

“I know, I checked, but I’ll go buy some.” I explained. “If I can take your car…” I added.

“You dod’t have to buy bme stuff…”

“I don’t want you to die.”

“I’ll sleep it off.” She insisted.

“No, I’m buying some, and I’ll walk but it would be faster if I drive.” I was never this persuasive. I would usually let anyone but myself make all the decisions, but I knew there was no way I could just let Ella be miserable when I could do something that might help.

“Of course you can take the car, you don’t even have to ask. We share it.” She told me. “But you shouldn’t spedd modey on bme…”

“It’s fine, I’m not gonna just let you suffer if I can help.” I admitted. I’m so terrible at being serious. It’s so much easier for me to make some kind of joke to get my point across, but admitting that I care for someone directly felt odd.

“Mbaybe I’ll shower while you’re gone…?” Ella questioned.

“Yeah go for it. Need me to get anything else for you, or bring you anything?”

Ella thought for a second before shaking her head. “I’mb good.”

I stood up to take our bowls of soup away. Ella took a drink of her water, choking slightly and going into another fit of coughs. I took our bowls to the sink but returned quickly, watching her with concern. She smiled timidly, sipping at her water and trying to act like she was fine.

“Do you have a thermometer?” I asked, thinking I should buy one of those too.

“Yeah, I’ll find it.” She replied.

“I’ll be back soon. Text me if you can’t find it or if you think of something you need.” I encouraged. “Really.”

Ella returned my eye contact and nodded.

I rubbed her back as a stood up and walked to the front door. “Be right back.” I assured one final time.

Edited May 1, 2014 by BubbleTea

[Hygge]

Lol, MORE BY POPULAR DEMAND.....

I'm just enjoying writing this. It's just fun for me. And I like doing things for me sometimes. And not having to save them as evidence on my computer So, I always appreciate feedback, but I'm really enjoying doing this anyway. Even if it's not impressive or likable or anything. It makes me feel filled up.

I returned from the store with some medicine and tea and cough drops… and orange juice, just because I knew Ella loved it. I walked in the front door and put the things in the kitchen. I found Ella in her room, her hair wet from the shower.

“Hey.” I said, walking in behind her.

“You’re back.” She smiled.

“Yeah. How was the shower?”

“Cozy.” Ella sniffled, turning away to cough a couple of times.

“Did you find the thermometer?” This was as close as it got to directly showing concern from me.

“Yeah I got it.” Ella picked it up off of her dresser.

“Did you use it?” I was like captain question giver right now.

Ella shook her head. I looked at her and kind of raised my eyebrows. She put it in her mouth compliantly.

We walked back to our lazy spot on the couch. “I got you orange juice.” I told her. Watching her smile while trying to keep the thermometer in her mouth with no hands was adorable. Soon enough, the little thing beeped and Ella pulled it out of her mouth. She looked at it, looked to me. I raised me eyebrows. She shrugged. I held out my hand and she gave it to me slowly.

“I’m good.” She said softly.

She knew the number was shocking. Over 104. My stomach dropped, I suddenly worried that standing up was too hard on her body. She had walked all the way to my house and back earlier. I forced her to eat, I didn’t check sooner to see if she was okay, I barely even asked if she was okay. What if she wasn’t and just never had the option to admit it? And drinking last night. Why wasn't I looking out for her?

“That’s so bad.” I finally said, thoughts rushing in my head about what I should do to fix it.

“I’m fine.” Even Ella seemed surprised.

“Don’t just say that to keep me from worrying. What if you’re seriously unwell and I can’t help you because you won’t admit it? It just makes me worry more because I don’t know if I should worry or not…”

“Okay… I’ll be real.” She said confidently. “But I think I’m fine.”

“You think?” My voice was full of concern, I could tell, it felt kind of foreign to me, but I couldn’t think enough to be composed. “Should I like… take you somewhere? Or get someone? Or call your parents?”

“If I’m not fine I’ll say it, okay? Right now I’m just glad that you’re here and taking care of me and I don’t want to have to go anywhere or talk to anyone else. I just want to stay here with you and keep being comfy and…” She sounded like she was going to cry again.

“Okay.” I put my arm around her. “Okay. But if it doesn’t get any better by like, tonight, I want to get help from someone. I want you to be okay.”

Ella studied the floor for a moment, before nodding slowly. “Okay.”

I left the room to get the medicine and to fill a glass of orange juice. I got the most effective-looking medicine I could find, even looked up the amazon ratings to make sure it would help. I went with a pill because I knew Ella hated syrups. She would always gag trying to drink them, and it often made her feel super nauseous. I didn’t want her to feel any more miserable. I sat next to her and read the serving amount for her medicine, giving her the maximum amount. She took the pills obediently.

After swallowing them with her orange juice, her nostrils began to flare. She sniffed, trying to curb the sensation, but the look on her face began to narrow and her eyes fluttered.

“Hehh…” She breathed unevenly. “Hihh…ehh.. Hiihh’ETCHOO!!” It immediately threw her into a coughing fit. I felt so terrible for her. She gripped her arms around her stomach again. I rubbed her back until she had enough control to take a sip of her drink. I grabbed the pack of cough drops and opened them, taking one out for her. She was only coughing slightly now, between a few breaths. She took the cough drop with appreciation and thanked me in a whisper.

“Hopefully the medicine and stuff will help…” I wanted to comfort her. I wished I could say something that would make everything magically better, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. So I just hoped that the medicine would be effective enough to do that job for me.

I felt useless. I could try to find things that would do the job I wanted… like a tasty, soothing bowl of soup. Or a strong medicine. Or a sweet sip of orange juice. Or a warm blanket, a soft pillow… But all of these inanimate objects had more use than I did. I was just the vessel that provided them, but I didn’t produce the real solution. I was like an impostor. And as much as I wanted to help, I had no power. I had to rely on synthetic inventions.

Ella was looking at me. I noticed I was staring blankly at the ground. The show was paused, there were no distractions. I was just sitting to myself in my own thoughts. She didn’t look away. She seemed to be trying to read me. I finally looked up to meet her gaze.

We looked at each other for a moment before she finally asked, “What is it?”

I shrugged. “Just worried… about you.. and stuff. And I can’t do anything.”

She curled her lips in. “Don’t worry, people get sick. And you’re doing everything.”

“No, I’m hoping and praying that medicine will help, or cough drops, or soup, or whatever I can give you will help. Because I’m useless, and I can’t help.” I released a little bit of frustration with a quick sigh. “No one even needs me.” The last sentence totally slipped out, in the quietest voice I could manage. I didn’t even intend to admit it. Especially not at a time like this…

“What?” Ella asked.

I didn’t give a response.

“People don’t need you?” She scoffed, letting out a couple of coughs with it. “Obviously I need you right now, for one. There’s no denying that.”

I shrugged and gave a barely noticeable shake of my head.

“Uh yeah, I do. What would I do without you here to take care of me? I wouldn’t have any medicine, I wouldn’t make any food, I wouldn’t have anyone to tell me that it’ll be okay. I would be hopeless, I would just be lying like a pile of death, trying to breathe properly and probably crying like an abandoned bush baby with no you here to comfort me.”

I turned my head to Ella, letting a laugh escape me. She was so random. She was so comically uplifting, so supportive, even when she was the one in need of support.

She let her head fall on my shoulder. “Seriously, don’t leave me.”

I put my chin on her head, wrapping her in my arms. I’ll be here.”

Edited May 2, 2014 by BubbleTea

[Lucyana]

Daawwwwww! Poor Ella! That last line is just do sweet! I'm reading this as it comes out, and loving every bit of it.

[Hygge]

Heheh, thank you I'm glad someone appreciates it.

I seriously am just like... hmm, I want to go spend more time in fake world, and don't feel like doing anything but writing this stupid stuff lol. So I'm like adding to this post way too often but... I always want more xP so I make more. I'd rather just post it if I have it, not keep it hidden on my computer for someone to find or have it as a tease if I feel like including more on the site. I just want it to be added to the story. Not my goal to get noticed, just to enjoy what I'm writing. And so far that's going pretty well.

So, even more hah.

I kept dozing off. It was dark out now. Ella couldn’t seem to get comfortable. She would toss a bit and lean back to me, or away from me, or almost entirely on me. She was shivering.

“You okay?” I pushed her hair away from her face.

She looked up at me, her dark eyes distressed and gloomy. I didn’t even notice what I was doing, but I let my hand continue to stroke her hair, resting my hand on her face and rubbing it gently.

Her eyelids fell slowly. She leaned into my touch, sniffling and finally losing the tension in her body. She became peaceful and serene, I couldn’t quite tell if she was totally asleep. I watched her face as she gave a sharp inhale, nostrils quivering madly. She was facing up, but quickly turned her head to the side, sneezing uncovered over my leg.

“Heh’CHSHHEWW!!” She sniffled as she edged herself away from my touch, body still heaving with an impending sneeze. “Hehh’ehh…. Iihhh…” She sniffled sharply, fighting the tickle. “Hehh.. Heh… Hehhh…EH’PSHHEWW!!” She doubled over. folding toward her legs.

I frowned. “Bless you..” She started coughing.

Her sorrowful eyes met mine again, with one arm wrapped around her stomach and the other covering her mouth. Her body shook with the coughing. She looked so miserable, my stomach was in knots.

“Ella…” I pulled her to me, rubbing and patting her back as soothingly as I could. “It’s okay….” I still felt so useless. I hated seeing her so miserable. She was coughing over my shoulder, her arms still around her own stomach.

Slowly, the coughing became less frequent. She started being able to take a breath in between, and another breath, and soon several. I released my grasp on her and grabbed her water from the coffee table. She didn’t even hold up her own weight; she slumped onto me, nuzzling her head to my shoulder.

“I’m sorry you feel so terrible.” I stroked her hair and helped her sip at her water.

She shrugged, still looking hurt and grim. “I want it to stop…” She said, letting tears slip out of her eyes.

I held her again. Pressing one hand to her head, and the other rubbing her back. “I know… I do too, love.” I kissed the top of her head. Her hair smelled like citrus.

“It hurts my stomach…” She complained softly.

“Coughing?” I knew it did, she clutched it every time.

She nodded.

“But hey…” I pulled her head up to look at me. “You’re getting abs of steel because of it.” I felt like it was kind of a risk to make a joke when Ella was so grave, but I desperately wanted to do anything I could to make her happy again.

She smiled, letting out a sigh of laughter. “You’ll be jealous of my six pack when I’m all better.”

My smile widened. “Everyone will want your method for rock hard abs in days. You’ll be like a fitness trainer.”

Ella: “I worked hard to get these.”

Me: “No pain, no gain.”

Ella: “The more pain, the more gain.”

Me: “They won’t be able to handle it.”

Ella: “The price is fierce.”

Me: “The struggle is real.”

We both burst into laughter. One of our High School teachers tacked that phrase onto everything…the struggle is real… Test on a friday! The struggle is real! Pop quiz! The struggle is real! The answer isn’t always a whole number, the struggle is real!

I was surprised that Ella managed to laugh without coughing. For this moment, she was carefree once again. Her eyes didn’t seem so glazed over and desolate. She squeezed my hand in hers. “I’m so freaking glad I have you.”

I felt like blushing. I never thought of myself as being valuable to others. I just tried to not be too much of an anchor. I tried to be good enough to be accepted. I never thought of myself as…desirable. Or lovable.

I shrugged.

Ella’s face began to scrunch up familiarly. She turned away from me and sneezed openly to the side. “Hihh’ISSHEWW!! HihhchSHOO!!”

“Bless you.” I said softly.

“Thangks.” Ella released my hand to grab a tissue.

I glanced at the clock. It was almost 11. I noticed the sleepy daze return to Ella’s demeanor.

“Bed time?” I asked her.

“I can just sleep here.” She said, a slight pleading tone in her voice.

“I think you’ll be more comfortable in your bed.” I didn’t want to refuse what she wanted, but I wanted what was best for her.

“But…” She sniffled. “I don’t want you to leave…”

“I won’t leave. I’ll be here.” I said.

She shrugged. “Or we could have a sleepover in my room, like little kids.”

I smiled. I understood now that she didn’t want to be alone. And I wasn’t used to being chosen, or treasured, or truly useful.

We got ready for bed. I almost let us get settled before remembering to give her more medicine. “Be right back.” I said, stepping down from the bed and fetching the medicine and thermometer.

Thankfully, Ella was still awake when I returned. She kind of rolled her eyes at the thermometer. I handed it to her and she put it in her mouth while I opened the medicine. I left to grab her water, and returned just as the thermometer was beeping. She looked at it, giving a half smile before handing it to me.

“101.” I read aloud as Ella struck a posed, flexing her arms in the air.

“I’m cured!” She gleamed. She coughed a couple of times and took a sharp inhale. Her jaw was hanging open, quivering slightly. Her nostrils flaring.

I began, “Don’t speak too—“

“Hihh’AHCHSHHOO!!”

“—soon.” I finished. “Bless you.”

She coughed harshly a couple of times before bouncing back, acting like nothing at happened. Smiling like a weirdo. She’s so great.

I climbed under the covers with her, and she curled up to my side. Falling asleep almost instantly. I really wasn’t tired anymore, but I had no desire to move from this place. It felt nice to be worthwhile to someone.

[Hygge]

Hm. I’m kind of battling between writing more or less. I like to be in a fake world. It feels so good getting to know someone (a character) like a close friend, someone you know the thoughts and feelings of... but then having to end and leave all of that, it just feels like something is missing in normal life. It’s like relapse every time I return to reality. And I can’t decide if I’d rather avoid that by constantly staying in fake world, or stop spending time in fake world so that I don’t have to experience the disappointment of leaving.

But I feel like writing tonight. Even if what I’m writing is pointless, no good, weird, personal, boring.... I don’t want to abandon my “friend.” I know writing is a lot more interesting when you have a plan, have a map, have an idea of what it will be about when you start it. But THIS feels natural to me... I just sit down, start writing, and let it happen the way I think it would happen in real life. It makes these fake memories, this fake nostalgia, where it feels like it actually happened because I say the things I would say, I see the things and the movement as I type them.

I’m going to try to be more discriptive, because I have a CLEAR picture in my head, the way everything happens. But I don’t want to restrict it by mapping that out, I want people to be able to imagine their own “life” in it if they want. Like the narrator not having a name, it’s just “i.” Left to be determined by the reader. That I think I’ll still stick with. But maybe I’ll describe the way I picture the physical outline of where I am, because I think it’ll be interesting for me to read and remember later on.

SO ANYWAY. I run my mouth all the time. I’m so bad at it. Ugh.

I woke up in the night once, Ella had kicked off all of her covers and was shivering. I was sort of out of it, but threw the covers back over her and grabbed an extra from the rocking chair next to her bed.

The next time I woke up, it was another crisp morning. I laid quietly on my side of the bed, my arms behind my head. Ella was still sleeping. I could imagine the smell of breakfast coming from downstairs. When we were kids, Ella’s mom would always make us the best breakfast. I would wake up smelling the syrup and french toast and sausage. I knew it was just Ella and me here now, but the memory was still potent...

Ella rolled and rustled from under her covers. I looked over at her.

“You awake?” I whispered. I didn’t want to wake her up if she wasn’t.

“Hmmm...” She seemed to to consider it sleepily for a moment. “...Yeah.” As if she was unsure whether to admit it or not. Her voice sounded a bit husky.

I contemplated my word choice... Every option sounded so forced and fake. How are you feeling? Do you feel better? I finally just settled with “How are you?”

Ella started to sit up slowly. She pushed herself back against the headboard, slumped up against her pillows. “Good I think...” She still sounded dazed.

It was silent for a moment. I considered my next move... but trying to carry a conversation currently just felt exhausting. I didn’t want to make the effort, I didn’t want to sit in silence and choose my words. I know I didn’t have to be that way around Ella, but it was just the way I was around everyone. It was hard to get past. So rather than thinking about what to say, I simply stood up. Ella watched me, following after me.

“You hungry?” She asked.

“I don’t know.” Conversations are hard... I just felt like sitting in a room by myself for a while. There are times when I feel like I have so many thoughts and no way to convey them. Every time I try, I take it too far and embarrass myself or stumble over my words. I’m just bad at it, and the experiences I’ve had haven’t exactly encouraged me to try again. So I’d rather be alone... where I can figure it out and no longer have it getting in the way, clouding my ability to have a real conversation.

But Ella didn’t know that. Ella only knew that something was up. She seemed to be choosing her words as well. Like she was trying to decide how or if to approach me. I wondered if she would just ignore it.

“How are you?” She finally asked. What a safe question, right? We both used it in totally different contexts. It left room for me to say fine, and not mean it. It left room for me to leave it at that and not have to talk anymore. But it also left room for me to be real. If there’s one thing I absolutely value, it’s being open. And even though it can get me into trouble, or estrange me from others, or can be unnecessary, I know I always appreciate it when others are open with me. The options are: I say I’m fine and move on. She knows that something is up, but doesn’t know what. So she has to guess and assume. Or, the other option: try to explain. Try to figure out a way to state such raging thoughts. So she wouldn’t have to think something inacurate, but I might make myself look like an idiot. I didn’t know which option to go with.

She was so patient. I was standing there in silence, looking past her, toward the window, thinking over my options. Finally, I sighed, shrugging, before opening my mouth. Still making last minute decisions, I let it hang open for a moment. “Umm... Unsure. It’s just hard to talk.” So eloquently put, right? Ugh.

Ella’s mouth slanted as she thought. “Like, you can’t think of the right words?”

“Pretty much.” I shrugged again. “It’s nothing though, I’m just thinking.”

“Head on fire.” Ella smiled. That’s what her mom had always said about us. That we were always thinking, plotting, going over things in our heads... Heads on fire.

I nodded, smiling back meekly. I smoothed my shirt down before leading the way out of Ella’s bedroom.

No sneezing in this part because I'm distracted and dumb. I'm so tired. Maybe later.

Edited May 5, 2014 by BubbleTea

[Lucyana]

I know exactly how you feel. I would soooo much rather be writing poems and stories than revising for stupid gcses for another month and a half, but unfortunately life disagrees with me. Still, it's nice to escape reality for just a little bit in my breaks. I find it helps me cope. Maybe it's just me being selfish, but I think you should write more of this. <3 Hang on in there, Bubble Tea! <3

[Hygge]

I know exactly how you feel. I would soooo much rather be writing poems and stories than revising for stupid gcses for another month and a half, but unfortunately life disagrees with me. Still, it's nice to escape reality for just a little bit in my breaks. I find it helps me cope. Maybe it's just me being selfish, but I think you should write more of this. <3 Hang on in there, Bubble Tea! <3

You're so sweeeet.

I'll probably continue to write anyway. I don't feel like anyone cares for it lol, and also I flood this thread with all of my own posts, but I ignore that and just remember how writing it makes me feel.

I'll probably write some more in a bit.

[Little_sniffle]

wait I'm reading and i love it! please continue!!

[Kshu]

I don't know if you know the author Alison Bechdel, but for some reason this reminds me of her, especially the first story.

[Hygge]

Heyyy there. So I wrote a few parts and was like... what the heck, this is dumb. Then I kept deleting them. And now I just wrote more and I'm like... why do I keep deleting this? Yeah, it's not good, but it doesn't matter. It's not meant to be. I keep like getting stupid and rambling and getting distracted, and then I'm like... dude, what a boring story, this needs more sneezing lol. But I just get hung up on the mundane. Somehow. It's dumb.

So here's more of that xP

I've never heard of Alison Bechdel... I hope it's a good thing to be compared to someone that is an author xP haha, but this is also NOT the type of stuff I would ever write for an audience, or would ever publish even if I was paid ridiculously (more like blackmailed lol). So this isn't "me," yet it's so much me that it's uncomfortable... xP hahaha. Also I don't exactly intend for this to be an F/F story. Though I've considered it, but I also kind of want it to be generic So if you want to see it that way, you can. If you don't want to, you don't have to. If you even want to imagine the narrator as a dude, fine by me. I kind of just crave like... maternal love, or care taking, without romance xP but I like writing romance as well, I just... want it to be relatable or something, cus I'm getting what I want out of it and want others to be able to get whatever.

SO ANYWAY ramble ramble. Here's the story........bleh the shame.

It was later in the day now. We were downstairs, still in pajamas, still hanging out on Ella’s couch. Ella looked really tired. She said that she felt better, but it was hard to believe considering the way that she looked… Puffy eyed, red nosed, mouth hanging open to breathe…. and still so pretty. I wouldn’t say this to her, but I was always kind of jealous of her looks. Maybe she already knew that. She wasn’t the kind of girl that was ridiculously hot and conceited. She was beautiful. The more you got to know her, the more her absolute beauty showed itself, until you realized that she was the most beautiful thing around. I wanted that kind of aura, too… She was the kind of girl that could be sick and miserable and totally worn down without looking any less beautiful.

I sat with a cup of orange joice poised with the rim to my lip. It felt somewhat comforting to have its scent and it’s touch on my lips, without actually tasting it. Maybe a strange idea, but it felt nostalgic. I’m so horribly sentimental.

Ella was slumped to the side of the couch. She was sniffling thickly every so often, but was mostly breathing out of her mouth. I think she was trying to keep me from noticing, she would turn her head away and ‘look at something’ whenever I turned my gaze toward her.

“Whadt should we do today?” She asked, straightening up.

“Uh…keep binging on Breaking Bad?” I suggested, figuring she was just asking out of courtesy.

“We could go for a bike ride.” Ella countered.

“Why? Your body doesn’t look like it would enjoy a bike ride…” I smiled at her.

She smiled back. “Oh come on. I just want to be outside! It’s summer and I’m home alone with my best friend and I want to be freeeeee!” She was so eccentric. It made me laugh.

“Yeah, okay.” I shrugged. “The slowest and most relaxed bike ride in history, though.” I felt regret as soon as I allowed the option. She was sick, she might even still have a fever. Yesterday she walked like across the street and it practically destroyed her. I knew she was active, I knew she didn’t like to sit still, I knew she wanted it and I couldn’t say no to that… but I really hoped that this enjoyment would help her rather than make her any worse.

Ella’s breath started to hitch. She turned away from me, but I could see the rise and fall of her breaths at her back. Her whispered breaths were shaky and teasing. “Nnnhhhhehh…” She built up a couple of times before finally reaching the breaking point. “Hhnn’KSHEWW!! Ehh’SHUH!!! Hehh’SHOOoo!!!”

I knew this was a bad idea.

We got dressed, filled up some water bottles with orange juice because we’re freaks, and got the bikes from the garage. It was a pretty nice day outside… cool and breezy for a summer day, but warm and pleasant. We got on the bikes before we even knew where we were going. Well I didn’t know, anyway.

“Hey,” Ella called, raising both of her arms up in the air.

I did the same.

“We’re FREE!!” She yelled, her voice so dead that it made her cough.

“You should be careful being free.” I was smiling and joking, but so serious she had no idea.

She laughed in response, causing her to cough again. “Freedom isn’t careful.”

I felt like lecturing her or something. Ugh, I’m not that uptight, right? I was just worried about her… She’s too carefree to acknowledge her body’s signals to slow the heck DOWN, rest and recover. Instead she’s pushing the limits and testing the delicacy of her body, and I knew it would break. Her face was already red, biking like 3 inches away was already wearing her out. She wasn’t going to admit it.

We rode a bit before stopping at a stream that we came to often. It was rather tucked behind a forest, but some people before us had built bridges and swings and benches. We recycled their creation gladly, it was an awesome place to hang out. We sat on the bridge with our feet in the water.

Ella reached to the side of the stream, grabbing a long, thin branch. She stuck it in the water in front of her, like a fishing pole.

“Good luck catching anything.” I laughed at her.

“I’ll catch this leaf.” She grinned, gently scooping a leaf that was floating by and balancing it on the end of the stick.

We both laughed. I shuffled around until I found my own branch. We lifted them above us to shake the leaves off of the canopy of trees and let them fall behind us and ride the current under the bridge. They would come out and we would race to catch the most. I loved days like this. Life was simple, life was calm. It was pretty, silly, exciting, challenging, disappointing, rewarding, in all the ways that didn’t matter at all. You could let go of the bad and good, and just be content.

I laid back on the bridge, my legs still dangling into the water. Ella’s posture straightened, then fell again. She sighed, losing the itch that was obviously troubling her. She sniffled wetly before laying back next to me. Our arms and hips touched as we stared up through the tangled tree branches at the sky.

“I don’t want to grow up.” Ella’s husky voice was somewhat of a whisper. “I don’t want to stop exploring and stop having nothing to do.”

I nodded. “I know. Me neither.”

“It’s scary.” She wiped her hand under her nose. “I’ll have to be the one to take care of people instead of being the one people take care of. I won’t need anyone anymore. It’s so…unstable.”

I took in what she said. I thought about responding with some kind of corny, ‘well look on the bright side’ dictation. But that was all stuff we already knew. What we didn’t know was how to handle being thrown into independency. We knew we could fake it, we thought that might even be the best option, but I agreed with her. I didn’t want to be free.

“It’s unfair. I want to be an adult when I’m ready, not when I reach a certain age. It’s like we lose the unconditional approval… We have to start working for it, or we’re disappointments. We have to earn everything ourselves and be everyone else’s accountability…while trying to keep their approval and somehow become respectable. It changes everything…” It was pretty regular for me to just run my mouth. I never knew how to express what I wanted to say. I just hoped that if I threw enough words out there, hopefully the ones that harbored my meaning were in there somewhere, and hopefully my intent would be understood. I think it just distracted from what I actually meant, though… But it’s the only way I can figure out the right words. I’m not ready to be an adult.

“Egxactly.” Ella sighed. Her breath shook as she released it. She took a sharp gasp of air as she turned away from me and lifted her hand to her face. “Heh’CHSHOO!! ehCHOO!!” She started coughing again, full of congestion and with more force.

“And apparently you still need someone to take care of you.” I grabbed her shoulder and helped her sit up again. She could hold it together enough to look up at me for moment, try to shake it, but fail at suppressing the cough and quickly ducking away from me again to dispel a few more. I was rubbing her back. “Orange juice?” I both asked and stated, walking to our bikes at the end of the bridge and grabbing her bottle. I handed it to her, top unscrewed.

“Thagnks.” She smiled sheepishly and sipped her drink. “For being the adult when I can’t.” She laughed softly.

“You’re welcome, kiddo.” I laughed.

A branch snapped from the far side of the bridge. “Aw man, look at these ‘kiddos’ in our spot!” Two boys from our class stepped out from behind the brush. The one speaking was slightly shorter and had blond hair, while the other was slender and had jet black hair. I recognized him. He was a crush; Dean. A former crush.

“Umm hellooo.” I said awkwardly. “We’ve been coming here for years, never seen you. If you wanna play it like ‘kiddos’ our names are even under this bridge.” I got suddenly defensive. This is our spot.

“Whaaat?! Really! That’s incredible! Hey would you go check that for me, kid?” The blond boy pushed his boot against Ella’s back, pushing her into the creek.

She gasped, her eyes wide as she hit the cold water. Her open water bottle slipped from her grasp and emptied into the river as it floated downstream.

“What the hell!!!” I screamed, grabbing the prick by his shirt.

“What mommy, you don’t want you lover to get a chill in the puddle? What did she not wait an hour since she ate, you want to make sure she stretches first?” The twerp mocked. What an idiot… what, lover?

I kicked him. In the groin, of course. He groaned and crumpled as I released my grasp just to punch him as hard as I possibly could in the face, and send him tumbling into the creek. “See, honey? See our names down there? If you can even read, numbnuts. Also, Fuck off.” I reached my hands down to grab Ella and help her out of the water. She was shaking and crying. I whispered to her, asking if she was okay, and she nodded between sobs. I looked at Dean. He stood awkwardly, looking from the other boy to me.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Uh sorry.” He muttered. “He’s…” He began, looking at the other boy, before shrugging one of his shoulders.

I rolled my eyes and turned away, Ella in my grasp. The blond boy was yelling insults and desperately trying to get a response, but I’d given him my reaction. We got on our bikes and left.

I felt both shock and adrenaline. This was so stupid. I didn’t even know why I just snapped and beat him up. I just knew the kind of idiot he was. I didn’t want to be messed with anymore. I didn’t want Ella to be harmed and her condition worsened, and thanks to him she was soaked to the bone with no drink while the sun was setting and the breeze was picking up. My anger was still boiling. I realized how fast I was peddling and slowed down to fall back with Ella, who was a ways behind me. After all the chaos, I was so worried about her and furious at that jerk that I was practically ignoring her. I couldn’t seem to unfurl my brow, I tried to look calm and consoling for Ella, but I couldn’t. She rode beside me. She stuck her hand out and grabbed mine, still biking slowly next to me. Her breath was wheezing, she was coughing, and I felt even worse for rushing so much in my rage.

Still holding her hand. I grabbed my bottle of orange juice and offered it to her.

“I’m sorry. I…went a little nuts for a second…” I mumbled.

Ella sighed in laughter. “It’s okay. He asked for it.” She released my hand to sip at the orange juice gratefully. “Who the heck was he anyway? I’ve never seen him…” This was kind of a surprise considering how small of a town we lived in. We pretty much knew everyone. But not him.

“No idea…” I shook my head. “I don’t think I even want to know. Not worth wasting the time.” I grumbled.

Ella was shivering, and the sunset, though actually pretty beautiful, was cooling the temperature significantly. But we didn’t have far to go.

Edited May 12, 2014 by BubbleTea

[Hygge]

Finally, we made it back. We walked the bikes back into the garage.

Ella was squeezing the water out of her hair. “I think I’m gonna go shower.” She sniffled wetly.

“You’re not even dry from your last one.” I joked, bringing a smile to her face.

“Nahhh that was just my baptism. Now I gotta go wash off the holy water.” She stuck her tongue out, feigning disgust.

I laughed. Things were back to simple, no rude guy to boil my blood, no Dean to just watch all of this go down and attempt to stick up for that jerk… Just us living boring lives.

I decided to make some food for us while Ella was showering. I considered the sick-friendly soup again, but didn’t want to overdo it. What else am I even supposed to make? I’m the worst cook… I looked through the pantry and found a box of mac and cheese. Simple enough.

By the time Ella came out of the shower, it was mostly done. We settled back to the couch and put on our show. I brought the ladybug bowls of mac and cheese in for us.

A few minutes into the show, Ella’s bowl was still sitting on the coffee table in front of us. She was curled into herself with her nose resting on her knee, still sniffling softly but concealing it. She wasn’t even really looking at the show. Her eyes were glassy and starring downward.

“Are…you…good?” I spaced out my words, fearing that she wouldn’t hear the importance of the question unless I had her full attention.

Her head turned to me only for a moment before her brow furled and her eyes squeezed shut. “Heh’CHEWW!!” She was tucked into her shoulder. “Ehh’CHOO!! Heh’TISHEWW!!”

“Bless…” I offered hesitantly. She coughed, chesty and startling. Before curling back into a ball and sighing. “I’m gonna take that as a no.” I said gently.

“…I’m fine.” She whispered, the tone of her voice not matching her words at all.

“Don’t pretend.” I urged.

She remained silent for a moment before shrugging. “I don’t want to make you feel bad for my stupid idea…” She was still speaking quietly.

“What? Riding bikes?”

Ella nodded slowly. “I kind of forced both of us… and you were like worried and I wanted to prove to you that I was good… so I have to be.” She coughed a few more times into her legs that were pulled up to her chest.

“You don’t have to be okay. Yeah I feel bad for not convincing you to take it easy. But I’m more pissed that you got baptized.”

Ella bit her lip and smiled at my comment. “That mysterious prophet came to wash away my sins and you’re pissed about it? Confess!” That was the Ella I knew. “I can’t believe you punched him.” Ella’s grin widened.

I looked away, smiling at the ground. “I know. Not like me, right?”

“Nah, I would’ve expected you to lecture him for hours or something before ever punching him.” Ella said. “What pissed you off so much?”

“Well that’s our spot… And he pushed you in the water. And Dean was like his lackey, didn’t even notice us and…” I shook my head. “He was stupid.”

Ella looked away. “Because of what he said?”

“What?” I did know what he said. But oh gosh, please don’t bring that up. It was stupid for me to react so crazy, I knew that, but it had nothing to do with what he had said…mostly nothing…

A pained expression came across Ella’s face. She coughed again, looking miserable. I kept myself from rushing to her side with water and back rubs to soothe her. She cleared her throat and shrugged. “You know, lovers…” She mocked the last word in a whispered tone.

I rolled my eyes in irritation. “That better not be your way of taunting me or…accusing me…” I sighed a frustrated, shaky breath. I was not going to be mad at Ella. Ugh, I just didn’t want this friendship to be ruined. I couldn’t take that. I didn’t want her or anyone to think of me that way… All the times we shared beds as kids, dressed in front of each other, talked about boys that we were crushing on, cuddled with each other… We were like family. How could she condemn me like this.

“I’m not making fun of you or something, I’m not even asking… Or I wasn’t… I just thought it was funny that you were so offended by it…” Ella shrugged, as if it were nothing.

I couldn’t even look at her. “Okay, well, as if there was any doubt, I’m not into girls. And if I was, it definitely wouldn’t be you. You can’t even take care of yourself, pathetic…” I regretted the words as I said them. And yet they kept coming. “You act all needy then you won’t even admit it, like not only do I have to meet all your needs, I have to solve the mystery as to what your needs even are. And you don’t even appreciate it, you go and ruin yourself again so that I have to pick up the pieces, you insult me and accuse me and you know me and you still…hurt me…” I felt the hypocrisy. I didn’t even know what I was saying. I was just…angry… and wanted to be alone. For once, I wanted Ella to just leave me alone.

Shock was plastered onto Ella’s face. She said one quiet word. “Defensive.” It pushed me further. She was just acting like everything I said didn’t even matter, like I shouldn’t be believed for telling her the way that I felt. Why would she even… ugh… All this over one stupid word. One stupid word that she turned into an accusation. And another stupid word that showed how she refused to believe my explanation.

I was done. I slammed my bowl on the coffee table and walked out the front door. It was all I could do to keep myself from shouting something back in frustration… I knew it wouldn’t help, I felt like she could use anything I said against me and I would just be hurting myself. Why would she even think that about me!!! She grew up with me! She knows me and she’s treating me like a stranger. Hot tears stung my eyes and fell down my face. I didn’t even care. I heard Ella open the door and shout at me to come back. For a moment I felt regret that she was following me outside, after seeing the misery on her face and how sick she was. But what’s that? Giving her an excuse to accuse me and insult me? Not my problem anymore… If she didn’t want me around, than who needs her… But what if she needs me…

Edited May 16, 2014 by BubbleTea

[Hygge]

So this story got weird. But guess what, I don't care.

I didn’t even know where to go. I definitely wasn’t going home or back to Ella’s… I just wanted to be by myself… But I couldn’t think of any places that weren’t ours. They would all remind me of her. I wanted someone to tell me it would be okay. I wanted someone to tell me she didn’t mean it, and that it was a stupid argument, and that we should just get over it and realize that it means nothing… I wanted someone to hold me and not judge me, not tell me that I’m something that I’m not, and know me. Is that so hard? I mean, it was one thing if someone wanted to make fun of me for something that I actually did… like getting preachy or being emotional… Instead she’s making fun of me for something totally inapplicable, and ignoring me when I tell her what I feel.

There was a small thought inside of me that wondered why I was so offended by this. I blamed it on the way I was raised, but the thought told me that because I was offended, it meant her words were true. And they weren’t. They aren’t. I’m sure about myself, and someone trying to call me something and me being offended by it doesn’t mean that I am what they call me. That’s ridiculous… What I was really worried about was what she thought of me. I didn’t want her to think that I looked at her with any kind of desire. Which I didn’t. Ugh. I didn’t want her to feel invaded. And I was offended that she tried to act like I possessed thoughts that I didn’t have.

I just wanted someone to understand me. And I wanted that someone to be Ella… but she wasn’t here. Who could I rely on when the source of my problem was my rescue?

I sat by a canal nearby, hidden by the reeds and tall grass. I curled up to my knees and let the tears fall down my face. I barely even realized I was still crying. I sat in silence throwing stones into the slowly flowing water. I wanted innocence back. I missed the way crushes didn’t truly complicate things, when sex wasn’t even in our vocabulary. I missed the way we didn’t get all self conscious about our bodies when we went swimming. I missed sharing beds without a second thought to intentions. I missed being cuddled and held and kissed and encouraged without someone calling it sexual or flirtatious. I want it back; the way our minds used to be… It’s so scary to grow up.

I heard a crunch of twigs behind me. I gasped and twirled around to face the startling sound. It was Ella. She was here. She was crying too. She sat down next to me. For a moment, she stayed silent, staring toward the horizon while my eyes were fixed on the ground.

She sighed finally. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything or make you feel like I was taunting you.”

Of course I knew this. Of course deep down I knew she didn’t mean it, which only made me feel worse about how I had reacted. I hoped she knew that I didn’t mean it either.

“I’m sorry… It’s fine, what you said, and I shouldn’t have taken offense to it. I just wish that you would’ve like asked and listened instead of acting like what I said didn’t matter. I didn’t want you to tell me who I was, I wanted you to listen…”

“I know, and I should’ve, and I shouldn’t have like tried to make a rude joke at your expense. I know you don’t think of me as a ‘lover,’” Ella still laughed a bit at the word. “I just thought it was funny for it to set you off.” Despite the sarcasm back in her voice, I trusted her words. I knew the laughter only showed how silly she thought of it; she didn’t think it had the potential to be true. And that was a relief. I think just being judged sets me off… Regardless of what the accusation is, I hate people talking over me to tell me who I am.

“I was definitely the bigger jerk. You shouldn’t even be sorry, you said like two words and I went nuts…” My stomach twisted, a kind of embarrassed, regretful feeling pulsing with every heartbeat. “You’re not needy or anything, I just… wanted to make you feel accused too or something, I don’t know.”

Ella nodded. “We’re ridiculous. Calling you defensive was my way of being defensive… I wanted you to feel the blame or something, rather than having to accept that I hurt you. That’s so sick, and I’m sorry for it.”

I smiled at her, finally looking her in the eye. “We are ridiculous.”

She grabbed me in her arms, I rested my head on her shoulder. I could hear the tightness in her lungs as she breathed. It resurfaced the worry I had about her wellness. I realized how warm her touch was. The guilt in my stomach was welling up, why would I be such a jerk to someone that was closer than a sister, while she was totally miserable and suffering already… I wanted to punch myself or something. Or get revenge for Ella’s sake by dunking myself in the dirty canal water. Haha, I knew she wouldn’t want that and it was a stupid thought, but it still ran through my mind. The options of how to make myself right by punishing myself… they took over for a moment, distracting me from reality.

Ella released her arms around me, quickly dodging to the side, her hand darting up to her mouth. “Heh-CHOO!!” She coughed and I rubbed her back, only for a moment before it subsided.

“Let’s go.” I held my hand out to her and she grabbed it readily.

Edited May 18, 2014 by BubbleTea

[zaiphon]

its good!