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Oy With The Kittens Already (Gilmore Girls)


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Title: Oy With the Kittens Already

Fandom: Gilmore Girls

Disclaimer: Though being Lorelai is my life goal, and Luke and Jess are pretty much my ideal men, I do not own Gilmore Girls.

Summary: This takes place between the last episode of season 2 and the beginning of season 3. It's the day after the wedding, so Jess moved back last night after being sent home, he and Rory kissed at the wedding, but Rory hasn't left for Washington yet.

A/N: It's been forever since I wrote, and even when I did GG is not a fandom I have delved in often. But I'm rewatching and this scene was begging to be written. Plus, maybe this will encourage others to torture Jess with me.

And FYI there was a joke in a season 2 episode that "Oy with the poodles already" is the funniest phrase ever and must be used when the situation calls for it.


"I'll take a ham and jack omelet, with hash browns and bacon on the side," Lorelai Gilmore ordered, not even bothering to open the menu at Luke's Diner, the restaurant she visited at least once daily.

"Pancakes," Rory added.

"Coming right up," Luke promised. As he was pouring them coffee, footsteps sounded down the stairs that lead from his and his nephew's apartment, to the diner. "By the way..." He gestured behind him.

Lorelai peered over his shoulder. "Oh. Jess is back."

Luke nodded. "He came back last night. Don't worry. He promised things would be different this time."

"And we believe him, right mom?" Rory asked pointedly, nudging her mother with her foot. Not that she intended to tell either adult, but she had already known Jess was back in town.

"Oh, ah, yeah. Yes of course. Slate. Clean. Good to go. Brand new Jess. Got it." Lorelai and Luke's relationship was still a little tender from the last encounter they had had about Jess, so Lorelai made a point of smiling and giving a little wave when he looked over their way. He nodded curtly back in greeting, and Lorelai grunted to herself. "Hnh."


"What? I'm being friendly. I waved. See, look how friendly the wave was."

"Well I am going to go say hello." Rory carefully chugged a few sips of her coffee as she shrugged out of her jacket and walked over to see her friend at the counter, where he was putting coffee ground in the machine.

"Hi Jess. I just wanted to say welcome back. You know, like officially." Rory ran her fingers through her long brown hair, awkwardly.

Jess looked over his shoulder and gave her a half-smile. "That's mighty hospitable of you, thanks neighbor."

Rory rolled her eyes. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Don't be weird. And awkward. Just say 'Hi Rory' and actually look at me."

Jess turned over and bent his knees until he was at Rory's height and staring her directly in the eyes. "Hi Rory and actually look at me."

"Jess, come on."

"Hey, you're the one who just insulted me. I'm going to assume it was a joke, which means I'm allowed to joke back. Or, you actually insulted me and you aren't as nice as people think you are. Which is it?"

Rory chose to cross her arms in lieu on answering, which Jess took as opportunity to turn away from her again. This time, though, instead of fidgeting with the coffee maker he just rested his hands on the sink and lowered his head. Rory shifted closer to his right side, the side facing the diner, and he turned away again completely.

Rory followed him behind the counter. "Jess! Stop being a jerk. I just want a hello."

Jess pivoted again. "Stop following me."

"Stop running away."

"I'm not running away! I'm turning away, and you need to stop following me, since my goal is clearly not to be facing you."

"That's rude," Rory retorted as she continued following her old friend in an awkward pirouette.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Not as rude as sneezing on you, but it's your call."

"Sneezing on me?"

Jess held a hand out in the classic 'stop' position. "Stay." He abruptly turned completely away from Rory and bent at the waist with one of the loudest sneezes she could remember hearing. "H'TCHH!"

Even though she had been warned, Rory still jumped a little in surprise. "Wow."

Rubbing a wrist under his nose and sniffling, Jess straightened up and smirked at her. "Most people just say bless you."

"Are you okay?"

"That's still not 'bless you,' but you're getting closer. B for effort."

Even hypothetical, a B did not sit well with the studious girl. "A B? No way. I get an A for being creative enough, and caring enough I might add, to inquire about your health."

"My health is fine." Jess pushed past her and walked behind the counter, crouching to find the box with refills of the napkins.

"Whatha doing?"

Jess straightened up with an incredulous look. "Are you kidding me? Back off, Nosy-Nelly." He turned his back to Rory and blew his nose with the handful of napkins he had scrounged up.

Rory wrinkled her nose at the sound. "Gross."

"Thanks." Jess threw the used napkins n the trash and began washing his hands.

"Oh come on, don't be such a snot" Rory grinned. "Get it? snot?

"Yeah, you're a regular Sasheer Zamata." Jess motioned to her abandoned table with a coffee pot he picked up from the heater.

"Ready for a refill?"

"I've always considered myself more of a Tig Natario, but whatever. And no, no coffee from you, sick boy. I like sugar, not germs."

He sniffled loudly, wrinkling his nose and blinking quickly a few times. "Suit yourself, but I'm not sick," he retorted, but he put the coffee pot back in it holder.

"You look sick."

"I'm not sick."

"You're sneezing."

"I'm not sneezing. I sneezed. Once." But the irritated expression that flashed across his face made Rory smirk. There was no point in arguing when he was about to prove himself wrong without her help.


He nodded haltingly, bringing his wrist up to his nose and rubbing it harshly, as if he could abuse away the tickle that was bothering him. Under Rory's stare, he turned away and once more presented her with his back, the body part she was beginning to get very well acquainted with.

"How's it going?" Rory asked innocently.

Jess tuned back to snap something back at her, sarcasm to take out the smile he could hear in her voice, smile at his expense, but before he could say anything he dropped into a crouch behind the counter and hid from the diners.

Rory peered over at the sound of two loud, harsh sneezes. "HEETSSH! EHHXT!"

"Bless you."

Jess weakly glared up at her. "I'm not sick."

"Yeah, but you also said you only sneezed once. So, I'm not sure how high your credibility is right now."


"You're sneezing, and you're sniffling, and you're hiding behind the counter and practically sitting on the floor."

"I'm getting napkins."

"To blow your nose. Again. Checkmate?"

Jess stood up abruptly and met her gaze. Rory raised her eyebrows in victory. "Well?"

"Allergies," Jess mumbled under his breath, glancing around behind her to make sure none of the other diners heard him. Most were studiously avoiding him anyway, both because they didn't like him and because the sneezing was making them nervous, but he still wanted to feel secure that no one knew any weakness.

"To what?" Rory scoffed. "You worked here for almost a year and I never heard you sneeze once. What, did going back to New York for a month reset your nose?"

"I didn't say it was anything here." Rory raised her eyebrows and waited. "Cats," Jess finally relented.

"Cats reset your nose?"

"No. that's what I'm allergic to."

"Cats?" Jess nodded. "I didn't know Luke had cats."

"He doesn't. Want some coffee now?"

"Sure, if you promise to control your bodily functions long enough to pour it."

Jess picked up the coffeepot and walked over to Lorelai's table. "If I couldn't control my bodily functions, I would have sneezed on you instead of suffering through three minutes of 'Ring-around-the-Rory."

"Touche," Rory allowed as she sat down next to her mother.

"Hi Lorelai."

"Hi Jess." Lorelai frowned as Jess poured her coffee. "You look like you had a lot more fun last night than I did."


"Your eyes are really red."

"I'm fine."

"It's allergies," Rory chimed in.


"To what?" Lorelai asked, ignoring the annoyed interjection. "Nothing bothered him here before."

"That's what I said. Apparently it's cats."

"Huh, Luke doesn't strike me as a cat person. Or a dog person. Or a person person."

"I could see Luke being a cat person. They aren't very needy and they keep you company. That would explain why Luke hasn't been lonely since Rachel and why Jess is sneezing. And stop rubbing your eyes. You're going to make it worse." The last part was directed at Jess, who gave her an irritated look.

"New topic, please."

"Okay. Hey Luke?" Lorelai called the diner owner over from another table. "Cats, dogs, or people?"


"If you had to have a pet, what would it be?"

"First of all, you can't keep people as a pet. It's illegal."

"And second of all?"


"You said first of all. That means there has to be a second of all. At least. Maybe even a third of all or a fourth of all."

"I don't know. Second of all I'm not a pet person."

"Then why does your nephew look like John Stamos in that Full House episode where he goes on the hay ride?"

"What?" Luke glanced over at Jess, who had moved on and was refilling other diners' coffee with one hand and rubbing his face with the other, and sighed. "Oh geez. Are you still sneezing? I thought you were getting over that."

"I am. I'm fine." But even as he denied it, Jess' nose twitched slightly in what was becoming a familiar way to Rory. She reached over and grabbed the coffee from his hands just in time for him to cover his face for another gigantic sneeze. When he recovered, he saw customers scooting away and Rory cuddling the coffee pot protectively against her chest.

"I'm fine," he all but growled, ducking into the bathroom to wash his hands again.

"What in the world is going on with Jess?" Lorelai demanded. "Is he secretly trying to give everyone the plague or am I eating a cat meat omelet? Because let me tell you , if it's the first one, subtlety is not his strong suit."

"No, it's neither. When he came back last night, he told me that his mom had adopted a cat while he was gone. By the time he went home, she had had kittens and Liz didn't think they were old enough to be moved to a new home yet, so Jess apparently spent the last month doped up on allergy meds and feeling like crap."

"Aw, I love kittens."

"Not the point, mom. Jess doesn't feel well, and it's the kittens fault."

"Yeah, well he was sneezing his head off a night so I stuck him the shower, dosed him up, and sent him outside for some fresh air."

That part Rory remembered, since Jess' walk outside had led to her at the wedding. He hadn't sneezed on her when she kissed him, but that must have been the antihistamines kicking in.

"Oh, you poor dear."

Rory looked over to see Miss Patty, who had clearly been eavesdropping (along with everyone else in the diner), reach out to pat the recently returned Jess' arm. He looked confused for a second, then scowled at his uncle. "Luke!"

"Well would you rather everyone think you're infecting them with something?" Jess opened his mouth to answer, but Luke cut him off.

"Never mind. Don't answer that. Just.." Luke paused as Lorelai tapped hi on the arm with a foil package she had taken out of her purse. "Okay, yeah. Just take these and go back upstairs to rest."

"What about our deal?" Jess was referring to the promise he had made when Luke agreed to take him back. This time would be different. He had to work harder and apply himself in school and the diner.

"Deal starts tomorrow when you'v gotten all that crap out of your system and can focus on something other than keeping your nose from running all over your face."

"Well thanks for that image, Luke." Jess caught the pills as Luke threw them his way, and tried to make a dignified exit up the stairs and ignore the dozen pairs following him.

"Oh Jess?" Rory called innocently. He paused with one hand on the divider to the stairs, and turned back suspiciously to the Gilmore table. The women smiled at each other, winked, and at the same time both cooed at him "meooowww....."

Edited by Bongo
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This is AMAZING! Gilmore Girls always struck me as the kind of show that would be so hard to write for because the writing in it is already so creative and well-structured, but you do such an amazing job with the pacing and characterization that it feels exactly like watching a scene. This was amazing! And also, I loved every bit of this exchange, especially the last line:

"If you had to have a pet, what would it be?"

"First of all, you can't keep people as a pet. It's illegal. "

"And second of all?"


"You said first of all. That means there has to be a second of all. At least. Maybe even a third of all or a fourth of all."

"I don't know. Second of all I'm not a pet person."

"Then why does your nephew look like John Stamos in that Full House episode where he goes on the hay ride?"

"What?" Luke glanced over at Jess, who had moved on and was refilling other diners' coffee with one hand and rubbing his face with

the other, and sighed. "Oh geez. Are you still sneezing? I thought you were getting over that."

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Awwwwh cute :) it's also hilarious. I find Jess cute and comparing him to John Stamos was like :stretcher:

Edited by DeathNoteOwner
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