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Should I Leave This Friend or Not?


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My good friend- let's call her K- and I have been friends for about a year now. We used to hate each other as young children, but at the start of last year we were closer than PB and J. We understood each other, we helped each other, we made each other feel better. We were pretty much best friends.

However, a few months ago I learned that K had undiagnosed depression, suicidal thoughts, and had been self harming. I helped her through this. I persuaded her to tell her parents, I made her feel better and convinced her not to commit suicide, I practically pulled her out of depression. And she knows this. She actually said to me, "Without you I would have committed suicide." So, yeah. I essentially saved her life. (I also have a huge suspicion that K is anorexic, and many other people suspect this too. She's around 5'7 and 95 pounds. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but she's skinny as heck and barely survives gym class. Once again, she refuses to get help and says she's fat. If I were to list all her symptoms, it would be a textbook anorexia case.)

I'm emetophobic, which means having the irrational fear of vomiting. About two or three years ago, I had a traumatic event involving vomiting and I've been deathly afraid of it since. It's not the horror stories I've heard online about severe emetophobics who starve themselves and wash their hands a hundred times per day, but it kept me up at night and gave me trouble eating and being around other people. I could go on a rant about how emet has affected my life, but that's not the point of this post. I've been getting better, but recently it seems as if I've taken a couple steps back. I spoke to the school therapist after this originally happened, and it helped a lot. Since then I've stopped going, and I've been fine for the most part. But I'm having trouble eating due to this fear again.

K doesn't understand this fear, which baffles me. She's afraid of everything (she has 32 phobias. Not even kidding.), and I thought that would help her understand my ONE fear, but no. Even when I explain it to her, she doesn't understand, and she refuses to understand. I just don't get it.

About a week ago, I was staying at my grandparent's house and slipping into an anxiety attack due to my emet. I was too embarrassed to text my girlfriend about it, so I thought I could trust K to calm me down. So I texted her, asking for help.

I deleted the text conversation, so I'll sum it up for you the best I can. Somehow, K found it appropriate to begin talking about HER fears and how when she was younger she got hurt because of one of her fears and had to have surgery, etc. I was almost having a panic attack and she was talking about herself?! She said "hb them apples" after telling me. I told her I didn't give a care about those apples, I'm dealing with my own fear right now. She continued talking about her 32 freaking fears, and I told her that it isn't a competition and to quit attempting to one-up everything I said. She said she was trying to make me feel better. WELL, IT WASN'T WORKING. And I clearly expressed this. Also, K's a bit of an attention whore. She loves having people focused on her.

The fight escalated from there until she said, "Idc I don't know how to help you." "Please stop talking to me you're making me depressed." "You don't know shit about my depression..."

Excuse me? I saved your life and you're saying "idc"? What kind of friend does that?

I haven't texted her back in days, and she's tried apologizing, but they're shallow apologies and have no meaning to me. She hasn't given me a heartfelt apology, and I'm not ready to forgive her.

To be honest, I'm a bit tired of this. I'm tired of her clingy-ness, I'm tired of trying to convince her to eat something, I'm tired of being on suicide watch for her, I'm tired of constantly being a shoulder to lean on, and I'm tired of her not caring about my one problem when I helped her with her many problems.

So, tell me. Should I leave her behind and move on, or should we stay friends?

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I think that while you are a great friend to her and its great you were her support system, i think that she needs more help then you can give her. There's only so much you can do for someone you know and you yourself need a emotional break. I dont want to give you wrong advice and then you feel bad but what ever you choose its up to you. I think you should move on from if she's causing this much stress on you. I wish you the best of luck hon.

Arty :heart:

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Thanks :) This helped me. I think I just need to take a break from this. We can continue being friends after she's gotten the help she needs and learns to respect me and that I'm more than just a shoulder to lean on. If this continues to happen, though, then I'm moving on. Once again, thank you for giving me advice <3

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I think that ultimately you have to do what's right for you, and that only you can know what that is, but it might be worth considering that people act out of character when they're going through mental health problems. I've suffered from depression and anxiety and, at my worst times, I've said and done things that I can't even rationalise now. I've lost friends who I don't blame for stepping away. But one thing I know is that I never had malicious intentions, I was just focusing on surviving, and that led to some pretty odd things.

It might be that if you explain very simplistically why you were upset that she can take that in and re-evaluate. Or she might not be ready for that. Or maybe you might not be comfortable with that. But it's something to consider. At times I struggled to see in front of my own face and didn't pick up on things that people thought I should know intuitively.

I don't think you should excuse her actions, but it sounds like she's been there for you in the past and it might be worth questioning whether what she's doing and saying now is really indicative of who she is.

Edited by SexualOddity
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While I understand this, I've talked with my girlfriend about this. I confided in her about my trouble and she was skeptical about K's depression. Like I said, K loves being the center of attention and she loves knowing that she's on everyone's mind. My girlfriend has struggled with depression herself, and she said that K might just be "checking off the boxes of emo". And K is the kind of person who would try to be emo...for attention. She says she has scars on her legs from cutting, but I've seen her in gym shorts and torn jeans that show her thighs and I've never seen said scars. And she seems like such a happy person. I know she might be putting on a fake smile, but it's a pretty damn convincing fake smile if that's the case.

Of course, I'm not saying this is true in any way. This is just my girlfriend's speculation of the situation. And to be honest...I'm torn on whether or not to believe K.

Well, I used to be torn. I believed her, and this happened.

I have no clue where this reply is even going, I sort of got lost in the middle of it. I've tried explaining my fear to her before, and she refuses to understand. The fear of vomiting is not a particularly hard fear to understand.

Like I said, I'm not going to play therapist for her anymore. Either she needs to get help or she can delete my number and forget about me, because I'll be doing the same.

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Well its just like SexualOddity said...people react differently. And the decision is up to you.

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Yeah. Sorry about that earlier post, it was a train wreck. I'm not sure. I've got a day to make up my mind, so I'll think about it. Thank you both for helping me though :)

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Coming in a little late on this, but I can relate enough to have some kind of word on it.

Okay, so, the first peice of advice came from what my psychiatrist told me about two years ago when I first started seeing him: "Telling your friends all of your problems over and over might not be the best idea, because it can make them feel uncomfortable and not want to be as close to you."

I was totally guilty of that, and I think in your case it's K that's having that problem. With you being on the receiving end of things, if and when you do talk to K again, it's kind of a point that I've seen work for people when pointed out, about getting too much from one end being overwhelming and all that.

I dunno like at all if this is even relevant but yeah.

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Sometimes, people will often tell you about themselves in a similar situation to attempt to show that they relate to your problem. For example, if a friend of mine talks about her grandfather dying, I might tell her that I understand because mine has also passed away and I remember how it hurt. Or? If a friend tells me their SO is acting strange, I may talk about how my SO once did something similar and explain how it turned out.

I have NO idea if that's what your friend is doing, but it's just food for thought. :yes: I hope things get better for you.

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