Favourite TV quotes

[Joal 555]

I'll kick things off with a couple of classics from Blackadder.

From series 3:

"He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of this year's Mr Madman competition" (Blackadder describing his Scottish cousin, MacAdder)

And this exchange from series 4:

"Deny everything, Baldrick" (says Captain Blackadder, while on trial for killing Melchett's pigeon, Speckled Jim)

"Are you Private Baldrick?" (asks George, beginning his cross examination of the witness)

"No!" (replies Baldrick, following his Captain's orders a little too literally )

Anyone care to add their own favourites?

(other TV shows are available)

[PuddinPop]

"Is it customary to wear a blanket?" - Castiel in Supernatural where Dean dresses up in "Old West" gear

"I'll give you a reference if you ever get a girlfriend. I'll lie for you, I'll tell them you're okay." - Fran from Black Books about Bernard Black.

"Not even born and already kicking a copper!" - PC from Ideal.

"The complexities of my mind are an enigma." - Patrick from Spongebob

"Do you have someone who looks after you?! I need to speak to them because I need to read your meter!" "Gas man!" "Yes, I think we've established that." - Richie and the Gas Man from Bottom. Basically any Rik Mayall quote from Bottom.

"How do you know these things?"

"I'm Death."

"Oh, sorry. HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS? " - Richie from Bottom again.

ETA:

"I'm so hungry, I could ride a horse... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess." - Chris Griffin, Family Guy.

"This is not a democracy!" - Rick Grimes, The Walking Dead.

[Snufaleeze]

"Live long and Prosper" -Spock Star Trek

"Be ready for anything" -Leonardo 2003 TMNT

"He who lives without honor, will parish without honor." -Master Yoshi 2003 TMNT

[Pilgrim]

Batman Beyond:

"C'mon, like one night's gonna make a difference"~Terry McGinnis

"...One night always makes the difference"~Bruce Wayne

[froglatte]

"He's so dense that light bends around him." from The Thick of It and the inimitable Malcolm Tucker. (There is also Tucker's Law which we are quite fond of in our house and that I can't repeat here, but if anyone is familiar with it, I actually do have it embroidered on a tea towel, thanks to a crafty friend.)

[CHOCOLATE <3]

From Fringe:

"Like a flashmob. Of suicide." -Walter Bishop

That's all I can remember right now. He has a bunch of funny lines, and this is one of the best, in my opinion XD

[MaiMai]

From Torchwood-

Ianto's phone rant: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string, everything, absolutely everything: no phones, phones all broken. Hello? Anyone there? No! Cause the phones aren't working.

Also:

Owen: Let's all have sex.

Jack: And I though the end of the world couldn't get any worse.

Life on Mars (UK)-

Sam: I'm going to say this once and only once, Gene. Stay. Out. Of Camberwick Green!

Black Books-

Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?

Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and throw it over a rainbow.

Also the one in Father Ted where Ted is teaching Dougal about the cows being small and far away, but I can't remember the quote.

[Sophie<3]

Sherlock is pretty much my favorite TV show of all time and I think almost every other sentence is worth quoting, but it's hard to make a choice, so I'll just leave few right now that popped into my head. (I may be back with more).

Mycroft: "I'll be mother."

Sherlock: "And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell."

John: "What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?"

Sherlock: "I don't know."

John: "Here to see the queen?"

Mycroft walks in.

Sherlock: "Apparently yes."

Moriarty: "Aren't ordinary people adorable?"

[March Hare]

From Ally McBeal:

"He's an objectionable little man who makes good points, damn it." (John Cage)

"I'm nothing if not redundant. I also repeat myself." (Richard Fish)

"It's like I know I shouldn't but I want it... and I don't want it." (Ally McBeal)

"...I have a thing for Freudian slips." (Ally McBeal)

"So do I. I'm wearing one." (Stephanie)

Man, I could go on for a while with this show. XD

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

"Boys don't look at a clock. They say "dad, what time is it?" Mike Brady, The Brady Bunch.

Mr. Belvedere: Wesley's favorite teacher is coming to dinner. Wesley enters kitchen wearing dress shirt and bow tie.

Belvedere: "I didn't know we were dressing for dinner."

[Joal 555]

From season 2, episode 18 of the US sitcom, Frasier:

Frasier: Allow me. [shaking hands] I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.

Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

[Chanel_no5]

From Criminal Minds:

"Scars tell us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going."

-Rossi (original, not a quote from someone else.)

Blake after hearing about someone being run over deliberately by a car:

"That's one way to put the 'over' in overkill..."

Garcia answers the phone:

"Penelope's house of 'how may I save your ass today?"

Some from X-files:

"I would never lie. I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation."

-Mulder

"Okay Mulder. But I'm warning you, if this is monkey pee, you're on your own."

-Scully

"Mulder, toads just fell out of the sky!"

"I guess their parachutes didn't open."

Oooh, X-files was the first TV series I loved...

[VoOs]

Doctor Who

"This is my Timey-Wimey detector. Goes ding when there's stuff." - The Doctor

True Detective

Rust: "People out here, it's like they don't even know the outside world exists. Might as well be living on the fucking Moon."

Martin: "There's all kinds of ghettos in the world."

Rust: "It's all one ghetto, man. Giant gutter in outer space."

Parade's End

"I broke under your forbearance, your permanent well-mannered forgiveness for my doing the dirty on you when I married you, not knowing… still don’t know whether my child is yours or Gerald Drake’s. You forgave… without mercy. To scream blue murder and throw me out would have been a kindness compared to five years under your roof, banished from your comfort. Look what you’ve brought me to. Throwing myself at you in my whore’s trousseau! My heat must have put a spell on all the sentries and ticket-inspectors… the musk of five years’ wanting a man. They must have smelled it. Well… don’t bother now. I’ve changed my mind." - Sylvia Tietjens

Ed, Edd n Eddy

Ed (without pants): "Spending an extended time in female company can be mentally disorientating and physically confusing!"

Eddy: "What's up with YOU?"

Edd: "Ed's trouserless state seems to have spurred an intellectual moment within the confines of his brain."

Eddy: "Ed? Is that you?"

Ed: "Hug me!"

...

Wow, talk about a mixed bag.

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Don't get me started. I may never stop.

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.

- The Doctor (Doctor Who)

Oh, now what's this, then? I love this. A big, flashy-lighty thing. That's what brought me here. Big, flashy-lighty things have got me written all over them. Not actually, but give me time... and a crayon.

- The Doctor (Doctor Who)

She said you should go out for texting and scones.

- The Doctor (Doctor Who)

"Do you know the difference between a man and a woman? Yes, that's right, men are better at football."

- Narrator of 'How to make babies by doing dirty things' (The Goodies)

"I don't care what you say, Daddy. Bill is my new boyfriend."

C (indignantly): "But you're only a woman. You can't make important decisions like that. (looks at Graeme, his butler) I mean, can she, old boy?"

G:"Of course not!"

B (annoyed) "What!"

G: "Consider the facts. You see, women are silly, frivolous, empty-headed creatures, I grant you, they're useful and decorative, like a teapot. Damn it all, you wouldn't expect a teapot to make up its own mind who it goes out with, would you?!" C (gleefully): "Ah, well said. Good point!"

- The Goodies

MaiMai already quoted Ianto's brilliant rant, and I could go on with other shows and more Doctor Who and Goodies and everything, but I'll keep it at this for now.

[Joal 555]

Sarah Jane Smith in Doctor Who (from the 1974 story, The Monster Of Peladon):

THALIRA: It would be different if I was a man. But I'm only a girl.

SARAH: Now just a minute. There's nothing only about being a girl.

[AltoFairy]

From Saving Hope:

"I just got out of a coma, Dawn, let me eat my pie. Also, I'm over the fact that you tried to kill me." Charlie, to Dawn

~~

From The Young & The Restless:

Avery: "Well, first I was married... Then you were in Afghanistan..."

Dylan: "...And then I was dead, which complicated things."

[TaurielRiver]

Can I just say how excited I was that you quoted Blackadder?? This is one of my first all-time favourite TV shows, the first episode I ever saw was Sense and Senility (the Macbeth one!), and it was on one of those tiny TV screens they used to have at the very front of economy class on an airplane that you could barely see… anyway, I was laughing hysterically for half an hour straight!

So firstly, for old times sake, two more to add to the mix (S3 with Hugh Laurie!):

Blackadder

: Well, Baldrick. What a very pleasant week. We must do this more often.

Baldrick

: Yes, I shall certainly choose Revolutionary France for my holidays again next year.

---

George

: I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave! And unexpected as well! I mean, why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you?

Blackadder

: I think it was

you

he was after, sir.

George

: Oh, hogwash! What makes you think that?

Blackadder

: Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words "Death to the stupid Prince!"

And now, for something ‘new’, am currently watching Pushing Daisies, and loved these moments in Episode 1!

Chuck:

I can't even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.

Ned:

I'm not a fan of the hug.

Chuck:

Then you haven't been hugged properly. It's like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you, and they give you a squeeeeze, and all your fear and anxiety comes shooting out and you can breath again.

Ned:

That's fine for someone else to do, if I'm choking on something,

other than emotion

, but you can't touch me.

Chuck:

So a kiss is out of the question?

Ned:

I've lost my train of thoughts.

---

Chuck:

See I just don't think that justice was on the menu, maybe as a side dish, but not as an entrée.

Ned:

It was most definitely an entrée, it was special of the day, could we drop the metaphor?

---

Ned:

Hey, I think somebody's truck's on fire...

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

The Odd Couple

Felix: "Give me a cue if you need my help."

Oscar: "Okay. If you see me drop my pants and do the funky chicken, that's your cue."

[Jorm]

I'm so glad to see some Black Books quotes thrown in here Which I will now add too.

From 1.2 'Manny's First Day'

Manny: (Talking about how the shop could be a really lovely place if it was fixed up) Put in a few more standard lamps...

Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay?

Manny: What? Wha... but... I'm not.

Bernard & Fran: But you're interested in lamps.

Manny: Yeah, but I'm interested in women... and lamps. I thought you were actually. Gay, I mean.

Bernard: So did I, for a bit. Then I learnt of the prohibitive standards of hygiene, and all that dancing.

On returning from a disastrous trip in 2.6 "A nice change"

Fran: It wasn't all bad. How many people can say they've been on a hospital river boat?

Manny: Yes, and you can be sure that they didn't get to perform surgery on themselves.

Fran: Just as well they thought Manny was a god.

Manny: Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.

Bernard: WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!

And one of my all time favorite TV quotes, from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got into this war I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

[bloom]

And one of my all time favorite TV quotes, from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got into this war I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

One of my faves too

And another gun-related M*A*S*H quote:

Henry Blake: [on the phone with General Clayton, while reading from a book that's upside down] While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W. W. nug. Yeah, that's right, sir. A nug so that we can, uh, uh - what's a nug, sir? Well, a nug is,

[Frank turns the book over]

Henry Blake: uh, a gun, sir. A 40 M. M. gun.

Trapper: Henry, you gotta be kidding!

Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug.

Frank Burns: Keep your snoots out of this!

Trapper: We don't need a gun or a nug!

Hawkeye: What are you trying to do, get us into the war?

More M*A*S*H:

Hawkeye: Don't confuse me, I can only handle one catastrophe at a time.

I could go on. The point is that I could just copy and paste the scripts for every episode of M*A*S*H and post them in this thread.

[Joal 555]

More from Blackadder series 4:

George: If we should step on a mine sir, what should we do?

Blackadder: Well the normal procedure is to leap 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a large area.

and this:

[upon running out of options to avoid going over the top]

Blackadder: I believe the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell"!

and this:

Blackadder: I spy, with my bored little eye... something beginning with "T".

Baldrick: Breakfast!

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage. Then a egg with some little soldiers.

Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T," I was talking about a letter.

Baldrick: No, it never begins with a letter! The postman don't come 'til 10:30!

Blackadder: Oh, I can't go on like this. George, take over.

George: All right, sir. Um... I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "R".

Baldrick: Army!

Blackadder: FOR GOD'S SAKE, BALDRICK! "Army" starts with an "A"! He's talking about something with an "R"! [trills the R]

Baldrick: Motorbike!

Blackadder: WHAT?!

Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a Rrrrr!

Blackadder: Right! My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends with "OW"?

Baldrick: I dunno.

Blackadder: Come here. [punches Baldrick in the face]

Baldrick: OW!

Blackadder: Well done.

[gingerdean]

"Sorry...up late. Internet porn." -House

"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. You know, the usual." -House

"I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people, and that's why I don't like none of them." - Roseanne

"Well, drive safe, and don't flip off anybody you can't outrun." - Roseanne

"Don't get excited...I basically chose you over death." - Roseanne

"Ugh, it was so perverted!...So, we started dating!" -Roseanne

"I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like Dan does for you."

"Are you insane? Do you know how many years I put into Dan? You think he just came out of a box like that?"

-Roseanne

"If it's important to you, then it's beautiful." - Boy Meets World

"I realize that all you seventh graders are delicate, adolescent flowers just beginning your high school blooming. And so I say this with utmost sensitivity. Take this test... or die." -Boy Meets World

"Do you ever tire of urinating? I'll never get used to it." -Supernatural

"Family don't end in blood." -Supernatural

[Jorm]

At the risk of just turning this into a Blackadder quotes thread, I must add the following:

From S3

Blackadder: (To Baldrick who is applying to join Parliment) Minimum bribe level?

Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.

Also from S3, and one of my favorite episodes

Johnson: Here it is, sir: the very cornerstone of English scholarship. This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.

Prince George: Hmm.

Blackadder: Every single one, sir?

Johnson: Every single word, sir!

Blackadder: Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafribblarities.

Johnson: What?

Blackadder: Contrafribblarites, sir? It is a common word down our way.

Johnson: Damn!

Blackadder: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm anus-peptic, phrasmotic, even compunctious to have caused you such pericombobulation.

Johnson: What? What? WHAT?

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

And one of my all time favorite TV quotes, from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got into this war I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

One of my faves too

And another gun-related M*A*S*H quote:

Henry Blake: [on the phone with General Clayton, while reading from a book that's upside down] While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W. W. nug. Yeah, that's right, sir. A nug so that we can, uh, uh - what's a nug, sir? Well, a nug is,

[Frank turns the book over]

Henry Blake: uh, a gun, sir. A 40 M. M. gun.

Trapper: Henry, you gotta be kidding!

Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug.

Frank Burns: Keep your snoots out of this!

Trapper: We don't need a gun or a nug!

Hawkeye: What are you trying to do, get us into the war?

More M*A*S*H:

Hawkeye: Don't confuse me, I can only handle one catastrophe at a time.

I could go on. The point is that I could just copy and paste the scripts for every episode of M*A*S*H and post them in this thread.

Hawkeye:[pours beer on a bowl of rice krispies] "Ah listen to that. Snap crackle and burp."

Radar: "I'm having trouble getting through due to the parades."

Henry: "What parades?"

Radar; "Syngman Rhee was just reelected dictator."

Hawkeye: "I don't know why I bother reading this. I know what's going to be in here. Another story about incredibly average Vernon Parsons."

[Joal 555]

From Dad's Army (British Sitcom 1968-1977)

German U Boat Captain - "I am making a note of your insults, captain. Your name will go on the list and when we win the war, you will be brought to account

(followed by a short scene in which Private Pike sings a song that insults Hitler)

German U Boat Captain - "Your name will also go on the list. What is it?"

Captain Mainwaring - "Don't tell him, Pike"