Favourite TV quotes

[Enkidom]

DCI Gene Hunt (on being asked by a very confused Sam Tyler who he was and what year it was): "I'm Gene Hunt, your DCI, it's 1973, nearly dinner time...I'm 'avin 'oops".

Also DCI Gene Hunt: "You're nicked for the murder of Delphine Parks, the rape and attempted murder of Nina Akiboa. Anything you say will be taken down, ripped up and shoved down your scrawny little throat until you've choked to death. Gene Hunt chapter 1 verse 2.

And again (to a group of children out playing in the street, after parking his car" : "Anything 'appens to this motor, I will come around to your houses and stamp on all your toys, got it? Good kids.

Sam Tyler: An overweight, over the hill, nicotine stained, borderline alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?"

Gene Hunt: "You say that like it's a bad thing..."

And finally: "Today my friend, your diary will read "Took a prozzie hostage and was shot by three armed b*&!$rds""

Seriously, if you haven't seen the excellent "Life on Mars" (and the very good but not quite as good in my opinion "Ashes to Ashes", do so - though be warned, you do have to view them with an eye on historical context, Britain in the 1970s and 1980s was somewhat less socially aware than today.

"It's a mob hit Horatio"

"Yes and it's time *dramatic pause* *put on sunglasses* to hit back."

YEEEEEAAHHHHHHH

Of course the problem with CSI Miami "sunglasses moments" is that it's hard to work out which ones are real and which ones are internet memes

[Joal 555]

Seriously, if you haven't seen the excellent "Life on Mars" (and the very good but not quite as good in my opinion "Ashes to Ashes", do so - though be warned, you do have to view them with an eye on historical context, Britain in the 1970s and 1980s was somewhat less socially aware than today.

I fully concur! And it also has an excellent soundtrack!

I'll add this quote into the mix:

Sam Tyler - If it was to do with football, he'd have serious injuries.

Gene Hunt - He's dead. That's quite serious.

[Timber and Coal]

Loving the Life on Mars quotes! ^

I have a few from Peep Show. It's a show you need in your life if you haven't seen it before

[March Hare]

Agreed, T&C! Everyone needs as much Mitchell & Webb in their lives as humanly possible.

[Timber and Coal]

Agreed, T&C! Everyone needs as much Mitchell & Webb in their lives as humanly possible.

Aha! A fan What are your thoughts on 'That Mitchell and Webb look'?

Personally, I've never really been able to get into it, though I don't think I've watched more than the first season. The laughter track just doesn't really belong there I think.

[LapidotLover22]

From Supernatural:

Crowley: No one in the history of torture's been tortured with torture like the torture you'll be tortured with. (so many reshoots )

(conversation) Dean:..when human's want something really, really bad, we lie.

Castiel: Why?

Dean: Because that's how you become president.

Castiel: I'll interrogate the cat.

Dean: New rule, you steal my Baby, you get punched.

Anything iCarly's Spencer Shay says ever

The Big Bang Theory

Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king..... One day, I hold a great ball for the president of France. But the rabbit, they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed, so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.

Sheldon: Lucky for you, because I wished you were dead.

I'll tell you. I'm from Texas. Need I say more?

Never play bongos walking down the stairs.

Transformers: Prime

Ratchet: I am able! Just ask Bantor. He was all mandrill before I put a tiger in his tank!

Agent Fowler: And beavers and ducks and walnuts and grandma!

You! Soldier! You're out of uniform. Put on some pants!

Oh for the love of! Get me someone who speaks something other than bleep!

Bulkhead: (screaming)

Miko: Did you just scream like a little girl?

Bulkhead: No! ...Maybe... Can we talk about this later?

Megatron: So, this is where the magic happens. Quaint.

[TheBowler]

I don't watch a lot of reality TV, but Deion Sanders (retired NFL football player for those who don't know) made a guest appearance on a show Bear Grylls was doing where him and Grylls survive in the wild together. The episode was more humorous than anything else, but Sanders said something that'll stick with me for awhile.

He said, "It has to be something bigger than you that you're working for; that you're living for, because if it's all about you... you've already lost."

[smooshi]

Aww, the amount of Blackadder quotes!

I've been enjoying ITV's sitcom Vicious quite a bit recently. I just adore it, even though the reviews were kinda bad. But seriously, it's twenty minutes of Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi seating around trying to outsass each other. They couldn't make it bad even if they tried.

Freddie: I never know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.

Violet: The one who was flirting with me shamelessly?

Freddie: No, this is a person who exists.

Freddie: Now, I want you to be brutally honest. I have an audition tomorrow, do you think I can pass for 50?

Stuart: I'm not even sure you can pass for alive.

Freddie: They make me nervous, those young people skittering about like mice, desperate to get back onto the Internet.

Penelope: Oh, this is lovely! Why are we here again?

Freddie: I can hear you, I just hate the sound of your voice.

Stuart: Aw, Penelope! You're ACTUALLY making sense!

Stuart: He's become attentive and kind and loving... I can't live like this!

Stuart: When the time comes, I'm going to soooo enjoy unplugging you.

Too bad I can't share some of the more graphic ones, the humour in this is pure gold.

[Chanel_no5]

From Medium:

Alison: "That cough doesn't sound good."

Joe: "I don't know why not, I've been practising it all night."

From Criminal Minds:

Rossi: “So where’s Garcia and Morgan, are they finally having that luuuv child?”
Morgan: “Heard that.”
Rossi: “Busted.”

From Big Love:

Margene: “I am a terrible wife! I should’ve never married your father. And your mother.”
Sarah: “And Nicki.”
Margene: “Especially Nicki.”

From The Golden Girls, Sophia talks about making good use of her life:

Sophia: “...maybe go to law school...”
Dorothy: “Ma, you’ll be ninety-six when you get out!”
Sophia: “I’ll be ninety-six anyway!”

Also from The Golden Girls:

Blanche: "Been a long time since I said a prayer. I don’t think God even knows who I am anymore."
Sophia: "God - Blanche. Blanche - God. Go ahead."

Edited post to add a funny one from Criminal Minds that I completely missed the first time around:

Morgan: "Where's mom and dad?"

JJ: "Hotch and Rossi are still at the seminar in Boston."

Who's mom and who's dad?

[beniboy]

For me it's simply the it's the gasman scene from bottom !! Also I love parks and rec at the moment and anything ron Swanson says is gold.

[Heathcliff]

American forum members probably will not have heard of this one- but some of my favourite TV moments come from the Scottish sitcom Still Game. It's about two old-age pensioners in Glasgow.

There's so many good moments in this show, but one I remember is 'King Pat the Pallet Prick'. Jack goes on a rant because of a TV programme about an 83-year-old businessman who has made a fortune from pallets:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbEz8fDbnkQ(3.25)

(Also worth watching in the above link is the point at 15.18 where the customer buys 'Big Cocks' magazine ).

Another of my favourite episodes has Jack and VIctor trying to think of witty rhymes about scones to win a competition, including such gems as "Where's my scone? Where's my scone? Oh here it is- next to the phone."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhhTFennDC0(18.10)

[High on Lullabies]

Surprised to see a distinct lack of Buffy quotes in this thread, so therefore I must rectify that:

Willow: "Have you googled her yet?"

Xander: "Willow! She's 17!"

Cordelia: "I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan."

Oz: "We attack the Mayor with humus."

Cordelia: "I stand corrected."

Buffy: "I just had a bad day"

Dawn: "Join the club"

Buffy: "Can I be President?"

Dawn: "I'm President, you can be the janitor"

Xander (about Angel): "It's not like I hate the guy. Just, you know, the guts part of him."

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

Charlie's Angels:

[bosley and Jill are posing as massage parlor owners]

Customer: [puzzled]"She really gave me a massage."

Bosley: "Well, you were expecting, maybe, violins?"

Criminal Minds:

Suspect: "I didn't do it. You got the wrong.....

Rossi: "The wrong necrophiliac?"

Suspect: "What? You think I'm the only one who likes to crack open a cold one?"

Jerry Lewis TV special:

Jerry; [as Charlie Chan] "Food stains on man's clothing; garbage strewn around room; all adds up to one thing."

Keye Luke*; "What's that, Pop?

Jerry; [as Charlie Chan} "Murdered man was a slob." [beams as if he's just made a brilliant deduction]

*Played number one son in a number of Charlie Chan movies

[hugmebrotha]

Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty things!

[March Hare]

Just because a show is outdated and iffy on social issues, it's not necessarily without humour. From Ally McBeal:

(John and Richard discuss asking women out)
Richard: "You know the way you prepare for your big negotiating sessions? You just do that."
John: "Just march in there demanding money?"

Michaelson: "A friendship isn't real unless both sides have the right and the power to tell the other guy to go to hell."
Donnell: "Does he tell you to go to hell?"
Michaelson: "Three times a week at least."

John: "Balls with the kudos, you hack."

Richard: "She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle and clueless. I feel like Elaine."

Whipper: "I'm leaving."

Ling: "Was it something I said? Tell me, so I can write it down!"

[Chanel_no5]

Some dramatic and omnious quotes from the creepiest TV show ever:

“He was a black-uniformed, strutting animal, whose function in life was to give pain. And like his colleagues of the time he shared the one affliction most common amongst that breed known as Nazis; he walked the Earth without a heart.”

- Rod Serling, The Twilight Zone, episode "Deaths-Head Revisited" (1961).

Same episode, closing lines:

Doctor: “Dachau. Why does it still stand? Why do we keep it standing?”
Rod Serling (narrator): “There is an answer to the doctor’s question. All the Dachaus must remain standing. The Dachaus, the Belsens, the Buchenwalds, the Auschwitches. All of them. They must remain standing because they are a monument to a moment in time when some men decided to turn the Earth into a graveyard. Into it they shovelled all of their reason, their logic, their knowledge, but worst of all, their conscience. And the moment we forget this, the moment we cease to be haunted by its remembrance, then we become the gravediggers."

"From the Weather Bureau: the temperature stood at 110 degrees at 11 o'clock this morning. Humidity 91 per cent. Forecast for tomorrow... (pause) Forecast for tomorrow... (longer pause) - hot."

- Radio announcement, The Twilight Zone, episode "The Midnight Sun" (1961)

Edited because I keep putting T's where there should be none.

[squealofapproval]

edit: I thought it said favorite TV SHOWS. Oopsie.

Lesse...

"I think when you have a connection with someone, it never really goes away."-Orange is the New Black

"Your life can change in a moment. Or overnight."-American Horror Story

[Chanel_no5]

From Becker:

The day after Chris has thrown several glasses of water in Becker’s face on a failed date.
Chris: (to Bob) “Is there coffee?”
Becker: “Oh no, no, if she’s gonna be holding a cup of hot liquid, I’m out of here!”

Bob: “Now I’ve been stood up by both sexes, doesn’t feel good, I’m sick of people.”
Jake: “Get a doll.”
Bob: “Dolls don’t like me.”

Policeman: “Things got a little hairy, shots were fired.”
Bob: “From REAL guns?!”

Chris and Becker are finally going on a date and plan on having sex, but Becker eats too much Chinese food and Chris gets a migraine.
Becker: “It’s not happening tonight, is it?”
Chris: “Sex? No. Death? One can only hope.”

Becker: “Why is Jake chasing Margaret down the street with a toilet seat cover?”
Chris: “Still grieving over Nana.”
Becker: “Don’t see the connection, don’t care.”

***

From Last Man Standing

Mike: “Why don’t you use the kitchen table?”
Vanessa: “I tried, I can’t focus that near cake.”

Vanessa: “Just say you’re sorry and get out of there as soon as possible.”
Mike: “Kind of like on our honeymoon.”

About the housekeeper:
Mike: “Where has she been lately?”
Vanessa: “Dead.”
Mike: “Since when?”
Vanessa: “Since right before her funeral.”

Vanessa: "It was a little like rubbing salt in the wound... and lemon... and alcohol..."
Mike: "Why don't you just say Margarita?"

“I know you mean well, but when you try to fix things, you wreck them. You’re like a playful little elephant.”
- Mike.

“I never spanked my kids, but then again, I wasn’t around much when they were small. It would be kind of weird to just come in swingin’, you know.”
- Ed

Ed: “I can’t believe I cheated on my second wife with you, she deserved better!”
Ed’s ex: “Oh please, she called me and thanked me for the night off.”

Mike: “So you’re pounding down wine at lunch...”
Vanessa: “Not pounding…”
Mike: “…then you go to the office and shoot stuff with gamma rays?!”

Mike: “He told Eve’s coach that she’s supposed to play defence. You know what that means, DE-fence?”
Vanessa: “It’s DE thing that goes around DE house?”
Mike: “Not everything is a joke, honey.”

 

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

Dr. Who:

Doctor: "Well, the thing's completely dead now."

Jo: "But it was working."

Doctor: "Yes it started to work. Oh, I see, yes. Yes, the temporal feedback circuit has overloaded"

Brigadier: "The what's done what?"

Doctor: " In your terms, Brigadier, the thing's blown a fuse."

[March Hare]

From Game of Thrones:

• Literally everything Tyrion Lannister says. Trust me.
• Jon Snow (who's just given his little sister a sword): "First lesson: stick 'em with the pointy end."
• Someone, about the queen: "As if she'd let you f*** her!"
  Salladhor Saan: "You don't know how persuasive I am. I've never tried to f*** you."
• Daenerys Targaryen: "The next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands."
• Syrio Forel: "There is only one god, and his name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: Not today."
• Varys: "Power resides where men believe it resides."
• Shagga son of Dolf: "How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?"
  Tyrion: "In my bed, at the age of eighty, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my [manhood]."
• Lady Olenna: "I have a rose painted on my chamber pot. As if that would make it smell any better."
• Cersei Lannister: "Ah, yes. The famous tart-tongued Queen of Thorns."
  Lady Olenna: "And the famous tart, Queen Cersei."
• Petyr 'Littlefinger' Baelish: "Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder."
• Eddard Stark: "I have no choice."
  Catelyn Stark: "That's what men always tell themselves when honour calls. That's what you tell your families. You do have a choice. And you've made it."
• Melisandre of Asshai, to Renly Baratheon: "You should kneel before your brother. He is the Lord's chosen, born amid salt and smoke."
  Renly: "Born amid salt and smoke? Is he a ham?"
• Daenerys Targaryen: "Horses are faster than men."
  Daario Naharis: "Horses are dumber than men." (Sorry Chanel)
• Ramsay Snow: "If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention."
• Arya Stark: "Nothing isn't better or worse than anything. Nothing is just nothing."
• Daenerys Targaryen: "All men must die... but we are not men."

I could go on for a while... and maybe I will, another time. VALAR MORGHULIS.

 

 

[Anonymouse]

@March Hare

That Ramsay one... I feel like that was George R. R. Martin speaking to us through his most wretched creation. 

[Chanel_no5]

Another hilarious exchange from The Golden Girls:

Blanche: “I think it could be fun, George and I had that kind of marriage, George would dress up as a ghost and chase me around the house with one of those little fly swatters and then, when he caught me…”
Dorothy: “Blanche, I’m talking abut arranged marriages, not DERANGED marriages!”

[Anonymouse]

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a goldmine (as is the trash business), but I just heard this one and laughed out loud. Shit never gets old.

"Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch."

Some more that come to mind:

"I've got a confession: I'm in love with a man. "What?" I'm in love with a man!... A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I "gay for God"? You betcha!"

"Who am I supposed to vote for? The Republican who's blasting me in the ass, or the Democrat who's blasting me in the ass?"

"I do not appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately."

"Cats do not abide by the laws of nature."

[Chanel_no5]

From Big Love:

"She's hyper-ventilating, give her some hard candy to suck on!"
(I really love Barb, but that sounds more like she's attempting murder rather than helping. )

”Take your one testicle and fly back to your cave!”
- Nicki to Alby

 

From The Nanny:

CC: “Oh I just could NOT get out of bed this morning!”
Niles: “Someone left a big rock on your coffin again?”

CC: “Oops, I’m dating myself.”
Niles: “Dating yourself, how pathetic. Even you could do better than you.”

Niles: "Now would be a good time to stop talking."
Fran: "Oh... you never think of that as an option!"

[Anonymouse]

11 minutes ago, Cemetary_no5 said:

From Big Love:

"She's hyper-ventilating, give her some hard candy to suck on!"
(I really love Barb, but that sounds more like she's attempting murder rather than helping. )

”Take your one testicle and fly back to your cave!”
- Nicki to Alby

I am dying.