Telling your Partner - Pros and Cons

[NoV]

It seems like every week there are at least a couple of posts either describing the reaction of a SO (that’s Significant Other to those even less text literate than me ) to revealing yourself to have a sneeze fetish or one debating whether to broach the subject or not with ones partner.

However, I have never had the compulsion to reveal my fetish to a SO and it amazes me just how many people seem to think that this is something they have to do as a relationship progresses. I have been in long term sexual relationships and yet have never revealed my sneezing fetish to anyone. I feel this is mainly because I don’t want a woman to modify her sneezes or feel there is some higher significance to her sneezing which knowing of how I really react to them would bring. In many ways I suppose I feel a partner knowing about my sneezing fetish would spoil it for me. But maybe people would see this as being selfish or devious...? However, if my partner also had a sneezing fetish would I feel differently?

So...are there those here who are in long term relationships yet have never told their partner? Ever told a partner and regretted it? And for those who do tell their SO – what is your compulsion for doing it?

Edited July 25, 2015 by NoV

[haymaker]

Mine found out by accident. (Left printed material lying around ) The result has not been favourable and the modification you mention has taken place.

[Tangerine]

Alright, I've told just about every partner I've had (long-term. short-term, fling) in the last 6 or so years, and here's why:

It's not terribly easy to turn me on, and my partners beg (literally beg) to tell them what to do to get me going. When I do tell, most are genuinely relieved that the fetish isn't too strange or painful. And then they induce for me.

I've only ever received one negative-ish reaction. When I told him he just laughed hysterically.

I usually tell my partners early on in the relationship, and it certainly has its benefits. For example, receiving sneezy texts, videos, and watching him hurry to enter the room I'm in so I can watch his sneeze. But on the flip side, I really do enjoy the thrill of keeping it a secret, and I'm going to *try* to wait to tell with my next relationship. I've always wanted to wait until a particularly sneezy instance where I can't possibly deny that I'm turned on, and then reveal. We shall see how that goes!

Hope this helps! Maybe it's easier for women to tell?

[Sawyer]

I seriously cannot ever imagine being in a long-term relationship where my partner doesn't know! I've thought about it a lot, and here are my reasons:

• The fetish is very personal to me, and is a huge part of who I am. It would feel wrong to hide that part of myself from somebody I'm so close to.
  
• I spend a lot of time on this forum, and I don't like the idea of having to hide my browser history from the person I'm dating.
  
• In the same vein, I have a huge amount of friends from here, and I don't like having to lie about how we know each other.
  
• I don't like having to lie, period! I'm not going to broadcast my fetish to people who don't need to know, but if somebody asked me if I had it, I wouldn't deny it.
  
• Also, there's so much cool and funny shit that goes on around here, and I love being able to share that with my partner.
  
• It feels nice to have a shared secret between the two of us.
  
• It's really great to not have to worry about hiding my reaction when my partner sneezes. (Usually, I just say "bless you" like normal, but it's nice to feel like I'm letting him know I appreciated the sneeze!)
  
• Nothing really turns me on aside from this fetish, and obviously, I want my sexuality to be understood by people that I'm sexually involved with.
  
• Telling opens up the chance for them indulging your fetish, such as inducing for you, sending you videos or voice clips, or even just texting you whenever they sneeze! It's super hot, and really sweet to know that they were thinking about you and care about you this much. (But even if I was never indulged, I wouldn't feel "right" with them not knowing.)
  
• Honestly, if somebody were to react negatively to something as harmless as a sneezing fetish, it's likely that we'd be incompatible in other ways as well.
  

Still, I've heard the opposite argument and I do understand where a lot of you are coming from. Until a few years ago, it didn't ever occur to me to tell romantic/sexual partners about this part of me. This is why:

• After you've told someone, you can't take it back. Once they know, they know. If you're especially self-conscious about it, then this is a huge decision.
  
• This could be a problem if they have a negative reaction. Things could get weird.
  
• For example, they might change their sneezing style in a way that's unattractive to you, or stop sneezing around you entirely.
  
• Or worse, they would look at you wrong or get upset when they sneeze because they know it turns you on.
  
• Even if they react positively or neutrally, they might develop a mental block. People usually get over this eventually, but it still sucks.
  
• They might not totally understand it and accidentally "out" you to people that you really don't want knowing. (But this can be resolved with very thorough and honest communication, unless they're an asshole.)
  
• In the cases of people who don't spend a crazy amount of time on the forum and are generally uninvolved with sneezing fetish communities, confessing their fetish might be a little arbitrary and too much of a gamble. Same goes for people who are turned on by things other than the fetish and can have a totally functional romance/sex life without it.
  

Edited July 25, 2015 by Sen Beret

[Azrael]

i always told every partner ive ever been with. every last one lol. because it is LITERALLY the only thing that will turn me on at all....and as soon as i even mention that i have a fetish they practically beg me to know what it is. ive never, ever had a bad reaction, they mostly just say something like..'oh really? thats it? thats not too bad...'. and they usually offer to induce for me without me even asking them to....so ive had good experiences telling people my whole life so far....which makes me often wonder whether this fetish is really as weird and nuts as we make it out to be, people dont seem to make THAT a big deal out of it.

[Arty]

I would feel guilt ridden and I'll explain.

I like sneezes that deals with colds. So me telling my future SO that I'm attracted to his sneezes, would make me feel bad. I don't want him to think that I'm caring for him for my sake. I actually care for people and kinda kick myself for liking something that may cause discomfort. Especially if its my SO. I don't want him to think of me taking advantage of him. But then I would want to say something cause it is apart of me and I would feel bad for hiding it.

I'm so conflicted.

[murphy dee]

I would've kept the fetish to myself because I'm not interested in acting stuff out with another person. But I did tell my long-term boyfriend when we first started dating because he had the courage to tell me about his fetish and he was feeling very weird and ashamed. So I was like "you're not weird, I have a fetish too" and told him about it.

[Aranea]

I mean, for me personally, I don't tell anyone anything. But I'm also weirdly private - I'm super open and honest when asked directly, but other than that I tend not to talk about myself. I wouldn't tell an SO until like, years after our wedding after they'd already figured it out on their own, to be honest. It should also be said that I'm not a very sexual person in general, so sex and fetishes aren't talked about a lot in my relationships, and I've never had a relationship longer than six months.

But that's just me! I think different people have different needs and requirements, and that might mean telling your SO. There are plenty of reasons you might want to, and I think it just super depends on the situation.

Oh - but my BFF has an idea of what's going on, but like, they asked me outright in a game of truth or dare, and I gave a partial answer, and BFF lived with me for YEARS, and knows about all the sickfic I read. (Both bff and I read all the fanfic all the time.) But I've never outright said, and probably will never.

[Tangerine]

I would feel guilt ridden and I'll explain.

I like sneezes that deals with colds. So me telling my future SO that I'm attracted to his sneezes, would make me feel bad. I don't want him to think that I'm caring for him for my sake. I actually care for people and kinda kick myself for liking something that may cause discomfort. Especially if its my SO. I don't want him to think of me taking advantage of him. But then I would want to say something cause it is apart of me and I would feel bad for hiding it.

I'm so conflicted.

I'm also really into colds. But I usually leave that part out, and I'm hesitant to tell my partner about my care-taking fetish for the same reason. When I do, I try to explain that don't want them to be sick (this is a lie), but if it would happen to want to be the one to care for them. Most guys find this really sweet thankfully.

[Arty]

I'm also really into colds. But I usually leave that part out, and I'm hesitant to tell my partner about my care-taking fetish for the same reason. When I do, I try to explain that don't want them to be sick (this is a lie), but if it would happen to want to be the one to care for them. Most guys find this really sweet thankfully.

I really hope they do.... though I don't have the fetish for care taking lol but I don't want my future guy thinking I get off his misery cause I dont.

[Guest]

I told one and was rewarded with a partner who was willing to try and indulge me but gained a mental block and couldn't sneeze in front of me again.

Lesson: do not tell them until you have seen them sneeze because otherwise you may never get to!

With the girl I'm currently seeing, I will tell her assuming we stay together, but I'm going to wait until we're more comfortable around each other and have slept together. She's already become self conscious about a few cute things that she does so I'm apprehensive.

Plus she hates her nose so it may be a useful way to up her body image

[March Hare]

The one, non-negotiable, absolute, hewn-in-stone condition on which one can tell one's partner and not regret it, in my experience, is: both partners need to feel safe and secure enough in the relationship to share themselves and everything with each other. Note: this does not mean they HAVE to share everything, but both need to feel that they always can. If you're not in that kind of relationship, the risk of telling is great. Of course it may still come up roses (bua ha hah) but you just don't know.

The partner, too, needs to be open-minded and relaxed about sexual matters, but that sort of goes without saying, doesn't it?

I was lucky. I have a man who loves my fetish and likes to play with it. He has fulfilled several of my dearest fantasies, and it is now one of the many things we share. Sharing is one of the best things about being in a good relationship, I think. On the other hand, sometimes I still feel guilty about enjoying his symptoms when he has a cold or a bad allergy day, but then again, he always says that he likes my enjoyment, because it is both a distraction and a mitigation of his feeling bad. So yeah. Lucky.

Anyway, you asked for pros and cons, not lecturation, so let me give you a short list:

Pros

- your sex life may improve no end, for both you and your partner (because how sexy is it to see one's partner turned on all the way?)

- you'll have a secret to share together, which is a relationship strengthener

- you won't have to hide any fetish-related internet activity from your partner

Cons

- it's not just your fun little secret any more

- your partner may develop a mental block (but there, see second condition)

- you may develop conflicted feelings of guilt and confusion and pickiness (none of us get properly turned on by ALL sneezes ALL the time, and non-fetishists may have trouble understanding that at first, but there, see first and all-important condition and be prepared to explain)

Basically, it depends on the state and character of the relationship whether or not it's a good idea to tell.

[Thom]

I personally have never told anyone, and I don't plan on ever doing it. I think there are some times I wouldn't mind them knowing, but I wouldn't want them to know all the time. Then, every time someone sneezed, like in a coffee shop or a store or something, I feel like my partner would be looking at me to see if I reacted. I think I also wouldn't want my partner to feel like they were being watched every time they sneezed, and that it was like this big event. I feel like they would no longer be acting normal when they sneezed...

[StaraiRoalanstjay]

Well, I told my boyfriend about my fetish and I'm really glad I did! He is pretty sneezy, as he gets hayfever and is allergic to dust, and he was actually really happy that I enjoy his sneezing because everyone else is seemingly annoyed about it. He found it a little bit strange at first because he'd never heard of it, but he got used to it. (I sometimes wish that he had a sneeze fetish so I could sneeze for him, but he simply doesn't. *sigh*)

[TouchOfGrey]

I've never told anyone. I literally have nightmares about people finding out if my mind spends too much time in fetish-land. I'm with someone I absolutely adore, we're best friends... but I just can't fathom the awkward of telling him something like that. How does it even sound to someone outside the fetish? Probably damn weird. I can't exactly expect him to be ok with something I'm not sure I'm ok with. And like the OP and several others said... I'm really into colds. I don't want anything to change, as in how he acts or whatnot. The fact that it's the only thing that gets me going has been a problem at times. But hell man... Should I feel like a bad person? Its my only secret. I am really really uncomfortable with the idea of anyone knowing about it.

[March Hare]

Should I feel like a bad person?

Of course not! The fetish doesn't make you a bad person. Wanting to keep the fetish your own personal secret doesn't make you a bad person either. Not even brooding and second-guessing and doubting makes you a bad person. It IS entirely your choice what you do with, and how you feel about, having the fetish. Nobody else can make that choice for you. Nobody has any kind of say in that, except you. You have that choice. Make it.

As for partners starting to act weird about the fetish once they know about it, yes, that may happen. The first boyfriend I told about the fetish did go weird. He just didn't know what to do with it at all and we never discussed it beyond the initial heads-up, except for one or two awkward jokes that he made, to which I reacted like the angry and rude teen that I was starting to revert to in that HUUUGEly un-right relationship.

My point is, that knowing about this fetish will take some getting used to on the part of your partner. But if the relationship is right, and if you feel safe enough to talk and to tell them how you'd like them to behave, then that getting used to will happen. These days, my man doesn't even notice when someone else sneezes in our presence. He sometimes gets a little "hah, how'd you like them apples" when he sneezes himself, but I can handle that, from him.

Some of it is about not taking yourself and your fetish too seriously, you see. It's just your thing, you know? It's just that thing that gets you off and/or interests you. It's not a bad thing. It can be a good thing.

[Juto]

I’m afraid!! Deeply and utterly afraid!!

I have been utterly ashamed of my own sneezes since I was like 10 ( I swear, no one, except myself, has heard or seen me sneeze since I was that age. I'm often too ashamed to even sneeze when I'm alone, yes, I'm that much of a nutcase!) But when it comes to my sexuality I don't mind going on YouTube to listen to other people, and the literature in this forum is awesome too!

I seriously can't even fathom trying to explain this weirdness to another person. I fear their reaction too much. And I fear that they will ask me why I'm so afraid of it and I would probably just… Hide and cry for the rest of my life!

If it were a “mere” boyfriend I could maybe, possibly, hypothetically be strong enough to CONSIDER telling him, but deep down, I know I never will.

I am happily married, have been for 5 years after a 3 year relationship and a 1 long engagement. We have 2 wonderful boys and good jobs and basically a truly happy life!

I would DIE if my telling my husband what I can't even fully admit to myself (despite posting obs and Drabbles about it here) would make that part of our relationship weird!

In general, he's not a very sneezy person, so I don't get to hear it very often. He's also the kind of person who works through a cold and refuses care of any kind because he finds himself disgusting, so I wouldn't even get to do that! :-( Since caretaking (especially during colds) and sneezes are at the forefront of my fetish, him being just him has pretty much ruined it for me anyway.

Until I discovered this forum I honestly believed I was completely alone with this warm and intriguing knot in my stomach whenever I heard a sneeze. I am truly glad that that is not the case.

So in conclusion, I am simply too afraid to tell, but his forum is my new happy place! That's enough for me!

Sorry I didn't do a pro/con, I really just couldn't see any pro’s!

Edited July 27, 2015 by Juto07ab

[RediChalyn]

I...I want to tell my boyfriend because we have a very open relationship (not that kind of open relationship, I mean we're very open with one another) but there's something about the idea of actually telling him about this that...idk I'm scared. I mean, if he flips out about it then we're obviously not very compatible but at the same time I feel like if anyone flipped out over this it would just be crushing. Not to mention all the explaining I would have to do once I told, because you know there would be questions to clarify. I've told one person in my life, and that was only because we were very VERY drunk playing 20 questions. She thought at first that any and all sneezes would turn me on, and she got weirded out because we were only ever friends and she sneezed quite a bit. After I explained though she was cool with it and even brought her boyfriend over sometimes when I was staying with her and he was sick, just because she knew I would enjoy it but would never make a move. But telling my boyfriend...I don't know I've heard all the pros and all the cons but I'm still at the same stage where I want to be completely open and honest with him but at the same time I'm too scared of how he'll react. Maybe if he had a fetish it would be easier but I don't think he does (he's really inexperienced...and by inexperienced I mean no experience whatsoever)

[March Hare]

I...I want to tell my boyfriend because we have a very open relationship (not that kind of open relationship, I mean we're very open with one another) but there's something about the idea of actually telling him about this that...idk I'm scared. I mean, if he flips out about it then we're obviously not very compatible but at the same time I feel like if anyone flipped out over this it would just be crushing. Not to mention all the explaining I would have to do once I told, because you know there would be questions to clarify. I've told one person in my life, and that was only because we were very VERY drunk playing 20 questions. She thought at first that any and all sneezes would turn me on, and she got weirded out because we were only ever friends and she sneezed quite a bit. After I explained though she was cool with it and even brought her boyfriend over sometimes when I was staying with her and he was sick, just because she knew I would enjoy it but would never make a move. But telling my boyfriend...I don't know I've heard all the pros and all the cons but I'm still at the same stage where I want to be completely open and honest with him but at the same time I'm too scared of how he'll react. Maybe if he had a fetish it would be easier but I don't think he does (he's really inexperienced...and by inexperienced I mean no experience whatsoever)

You always have to be a little extra-careful with the inexperienced, this is true. If you see yourself staying with him for at least the foreseeable future, and you don't consciously miss the fetish as a part of your love life, it's perfectly fine not to tell him right now. It'll be your fun little secret that you might just tell him somewhere down the line.

The good thing about having a really inexperienced boyfriend, of course, is that it gives you the opportunity to mould him to your liking. It's a great thing to be able to show someone around in the world of sex. A good idea, I think, would be to introduce your man gently into the world of kinks in general, before introducing him to our very special and relatively innocent one. In other words, have a couple of "What Are You Into"-conversations: what are his fantasies? (If he says he doesn't have any, he's lying. Everybody has fantasies.) Would he like to act them out sometime, or would he prefer to keep them within the realm of imagination? Then when he's answered those questions, either you'll have knowledge that makes you comfortable enough to answer them yourself, or you'll know he's not ready for our beautiful fetish yet, and you'll tell him some of your more non-specific fantasies (it doesn't matter if you make those up on the spot). Either way, you'll know each other more intimately, which will be very good for the relationship indeed.

[RediChalyn]

That's actually the best advice I've gotten on the subject yet! Thank you! Usually I tell a partial truth when asked what my fantasy is, that I enjoy the sound of a guy's voice when he's sick. Which is completely true, since I'm a big fan of voices and when a guy is hoarse his voice is all deep gravelly husky...oh yes. But I'm scared to divulge the full truth, maybe we'll get to that stage later on since there are other things that turn me on so when we trust eachother enough to, erm, be adults it's not like he'll HAVE to know about this to get me going.

[TheBowler]

Yea, I'm not very open about telling anyone about the fetish. I don't usually find it beneficial. However, with a SO it can be different depending on who they are as people. I've been blessed with a SO that cares unconditionally, so I felt good about telling her. But I would definitely hesitate to tell any SO depending on their character.

[March Hare]

Doesn't the term Significant Other sort of automatically imply that they're not just any partner, though? I mean, I for one have had many Others that turned out to be quite Insignificant, and really only one true SO. As of now.

/offtopic

[gingerdean]

I will pretty much tell my husband anything in the world, but the fetish is a glaring exception for me. I've never told a soul (except on here, obviously), and I don't see myself ever telling him about it. I honestly don't see any pros in the matter for me personally...I'm really not interested in inducing and roll playing. I like sneezing to be very organic and natural, and I enjoy my husband's sneezes as they come, but I wouldn't enjoy him being self-aware or self-conscious about it, I think that would kind of take the fun out of it for me.

I have a bit of a mental 'divide' of sorts between my 'real life' and my personal time that I spend indulging my fetish, and I feel like I've found a balance that works pretty well for me. I'm confident that if I ever do decide to tell him, he will be understanding about it. (Lord knows I've told him worse.) But as it is, I prefer to keep things as they are.