a sneeze in time

[Alicia2]

My first story, hope it's okay, it's original but inspired by real events as well as fantasy, I've written 5 chapters so far. The male character doesn't show up for a while. I hope I've done this right and not broken any rules.

 

Chapter 1

I barely manage to park the car before the sneeze starts. I can feel the air whooshing up from my lungs, causing my chest and shoulders to rise. Just in time, I grab the tissue from my lap and bury my nose in it.

Even stifled, the sneeze is not unlike a roar and I look around, relieved that no-one was passing by as they would almost certainly have heard it. I let my head flop back against the head-rest and close my eyes for a moment. I need to blow my nose but I don’t think I have the energy. What am I even doing? I shouldn’t have even got out of bed, never mind out of the house. After all, it’s not like I want to eat.

I feel the tissue becoming wetter against my fingers and somehow summon up the willpower to take a big breath in through my mouth and then blow out as hard as I can. It’s long and wet and the tissue can’t take anymore, it disintegrates in my hand. It needs disposing of properly, but my nose needs more attention first. I let the tissue fall soggily into my lap and reach for the box on the seat beside me. I pull out a tissue and unfold it, dabbing at my sore and rather drippy nose with one corner and sniffing harshly.

A tickle hits the back of my nose and I cover it with the tissue but although my breath hitches, the sneeze refuses to come. I blow my nose instead and wait a moment as the tickle intensifies but then it’s almost gone. I sniff then blow again till I have no breath left, listening to the rustly sound I’m making as I attempt to reduce the congestion.

I still can’t breathe.

I reach for the plastic bag I’m using as a bin. There are three tissues in there already and I haven’t even been out for that long. I put my two used tissues inside it and reach for the hand sanitiser, cleaning my hands as best I can, knowing it will be a waste of time as there’s no chance even of getting out of the car park without needing tissues again.

I sit for a moment and contemplate going home. I don’t really need to eat, do I? I haven’t been hungry for ages. But not eating will hardly increase my strength or my chance of getting better. I grab several more tissues from the box, filling my pockets, and finally open the door and get out of the car.

I’m halfway to the exit when it finally happens. A loud, cacophonous sneeze that creates an echo around the car park, so sudden that I barely get a tissue to my nose in time. After wiping it quickly, I look around and feel my cheeks turning a similar colour to my nose as two men look my way. Good-looking men too, isn’t that always the way? Not that they’d have any interest in me right now. I turn away from then and blow my nose as quietly as I can, though it’s hardly worth bothering to be discreet, they can hardly fail to have noticed the state of me. I dab my nostrils, sniff and release my breath in a sigh that catches and becomes a cough, up comes the tissue again, covering my mouth this time.

Not a good day, definitely not a good day.

[NoV]

On 1/18/2017 at 7:02 PM, Alicia2 said:

Even stifled, the sneeze is not unlike a roar and I look around, relieved that no-one was passing by as they would almost certainly have heard it.

Wow -  my favorite kind of sneezes. So powerful that even stifled they're louder than most people sneezing uncovered  

Welcome to the forum - looking forward to reading more of those chapters  

[Alicia2]

thank you so much, I wasn't going to post anymore, I thought everyone hated it!

I thought it must be such complete rubbish, I was so embarrassed.

It might be in the wrong forum anyway, there's another story forum for related fetishes, I'm very confused about everything here

I might post more as you like it, thank you so much for commenting!

[Kiaory]

No, it's quite good! I'm sorry for making you feel that way by not posting. 
I was mostly holding off because it's kind of hard to tell what's going on yet... I was waiting for the premise.  Please do post more!

[Alicia2]

I'm sorry it's hard to tell what's going on, I honestly thought it was clear what was going on, I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was that bad 

I don't even know what premise means, sorry

[count tiszula]

I certainly did not find your story too difficult to follow.  It seemed to me an excellent story with sneezing and Hankie use and lovely details of both .  It was absorbing and exciting, as previous responders have said.  Welcome to the forum.  Please do not worry about your output.  People are not deliberately rejecting it.  We are all friends here, believe it or not.  Sometimes stories do not get commented on at all, just because people somehow miss them in this overcrowded section, or just do not have time. The one thing I would prefer would be if your central character were not so shy or even frightened about sneezing.  I know that many people are, but ultimately, I would hope to persuade them not to be. For example, if you wrote a second episode you could have your character deciding to go home where she could sneeze freely as she obviously has lovely powerful sneezes and can enjoy them properly.

As to related fetishes, the convention seems to be that if any sneezes occur, then stuff can go in the main sneezy story section; some people, however ,put mixed stories in the related fetishes section; but many fewer people read that section.  The only thing I would advise is that you should write stories in the past tense and not the present,

As to "premise", which I assume comes from praemissa in Latin, that is, things sent beforehand, I take it that what was meant was the essential idea of the story set out before the story is started, for example that the heroine is an alien or allergic or has a cold or similar..

Please don't worry so much,

[Alicia2]

31 minutes ago, count tiszula said:

I certainly did not find your story too difficult to follow.  It seemed to me an excellent story with sneezing and Hankie use and lovely details of both .  It was absorbing and exciting, as previous responders have said.  Welcome to the forum.  Please do not worry about your output.  People are not deliberately rejecting it.  We are all friends here, believe it or not.  Sometimes stories do not get commented on at all, just because people somehow miss them in this overcrowded section, or just do not have time. The one thing I would prefer would be if your central character were not so shy or even frightened about sneezing.  I know that many people are, but ultimately, I would hope to persuade them not to be. For example, if you wrote a second episode you could have your character deciding to go home where she could sneeze freely as she obviously has lovely powerful sneezes and can enjoy them properly.

As to related fetishes, the convention seems to be that if any sneezes occur, then stuff can go in the main sneezy story section; some people, however ,put mixed stories in the related fetishes section; but many fewer people read that section.  The only thing I would advise is that you should write stories in the past tense and not the present,

As to "premise", which I assume comes from praemissa in Latin, that is, things sent beforehand, I take it that what was meant was the essential idea of the story set out before the story is started, for example that the heroine is an alien or allergic or has a cold or similar..

Please don't worry so much,

Thank you for your positive and detailed response, you are the first person to say it is exciting and absorbing and that is a lovely thing to read.

I can't really change the character's shyness, that's kind of important  I really love shy sneezers, I find it so adorable. Also I'm a shy sneezer myself, I would rather die than sneeze in front of someone. But I do appreciate there are many different types of sneezers, probably no two people sneeze alike or with the same feelings and the feelings will probably change according to situation, type of sneeze and reason for sneezing (which I find fascinating  ).

I wrote the whole story before I posted it, it has 6 chapters but if there was a Chapter 7 it might be like your idea for Chapter 2.

I completely understand why you'd prefer it to be written in the past tense. I usually dislike the present as a reader and never use it as a writer but as I was writing on such a personal subject, I decided to write in the present tense so I felt a bit more disguised. But my disguise has gone now I've admitted that.

Thank you, that's a good explanation of premise, they are a requirement with a lot of online fiction but didn't know the name of them. I don't like them as I would rather read the story and find out for myself but if it the premise is there at least you can choose to read it or ignore it. Pre obviously does mean before and the mise is  like the French mise en scene which means scenery and props but literally means something like placing in the scene and the premise would naturally come before I arranged and placed my chapters. Or maybe it's almost like a blurb but that's enough rambling.

[CharliesGirl]

This is great! Please post more  

[Alicia2]

8 minutes ago, CharliesGirl said:

This is great! Please post more  

thank you so much  

I'm really really happy you like it. I think I would like to post more.

[M214186]

Please do post more.

[Alicia2]

4 hours ago, M214186 said:

Please do post more.

thank you for your post, I'm really happy you'd like to read more  

I'm going to start looking at the chapter now, got to decide if I want to stick with present tense or change to past tense. I hope to have it up today though.

[Alicia2]

I decided to stick with present tense as I've already started posting but if anyone else thinks the past tense would be better please let me know and I'll rewrite Chapter 3.

PREMISE: Female, 20s, is suffering from a bad cold but needs to go shopping as she's out of food and tissues. She hates the idea of showing cold symptoms in public and dreads the disgust of other shoppers but perhaps not everyone feels that way.

 

Chapter 2

I’m halfway round the supermarket and my day hasn’t improved. I’m getting through my tissues at an alarming rate. I catch a look of disgust from another shopper as I reach up to wipe my nose again. I want to explain I actually have a system of one hand for shopping, one hand for tissues (sanitising every time isn’t practical, I don’t have enough hands, though I will sanitise before I pay or if my hand becomes particularly messy), but I can’t be bothered to explain it and I doubt the shopper will be grateful for anything that involves staying in my vicinity for a second longer than she has to. I duck into the next aisle. To my relief, the next lot of shoppers are some distance away. I get another tissue from my pocket and blow my nose as quickly as I can, trying to expel everything I’ve been sniffing back since entering the shop. It comes out more loudly than I’m expecting, the sound not unlike a snorting horse, and I close my eyes in shame as I hear a voice far too close to me saying: “Urgh, that’s disgusting. I’d never do that in front of anyone.”

So what would you do then? I ask silently as tears well in my eyes, partly from embarrassment and partly from sheer exhaustion. Would you sniff it all back up? Not possible, there’s too much of it. Use your sleeve? I suppose you bypass the hand that way but what if I leave a stain? Or would you just let it drip?

I wipe my nose, put the spent tissue in my ‘used’ pocket and wearily continue with my shopping, putting the basket on the floor before several tins of soup in the basket, my other hand close to my pocket, ready to grab the next tissue. The tins of soup are heavy and my arm is aching from holding the basket but at least the soup will warm be up and be fairly easy to cook. A few steps further, I feel it again, the telltale tickling. I feel myself starting to gasp, my shoulders rising and falling in response. I quickly feel for another tissue but the pocket is empty, all I can do is get out the last one again. It sags wetly in my hand as I sneeze into it. I try to stifle the sound but it’s impossible, it’s as sharp and as sudden as a gunshot, almost more a cough than a sneeze, the force of it jerking my body forward and almost throwing me off-balance.

I sniff hard, knowing my tissue can’t cope, but almost immediately, the pressure builds again and I know another sneeze is coming. It explodes out of me and my eyes are watering now as well as my nose. I feel the swirling of dizziness threatening to consume me as I wonder what to do. The shop does sell tissues and I’ll be buying several boxes but can I really take one out and use it before paying?

Do I really have a choice about that?

I sniff again and pat my nose with my tissue but it’s pretty well useless now. I feel in my pocket, hoping to find one in not quite such a bad state and that’s when the voice speaks. “Um, excuse me. I know it’s absolutely none of my business and the last thing I want is to embarrass you, but would you like a tissue?”

My guardian angel, I think, turning towards the man in gratitude, only to discover he really is a bit of an angel. His hair is lustrous and shiny (the complete opposite of mine, I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t wash it today), his eyes are wide and concerned and as I turn to him, my tissue still against my nose because anything else would be unthinkable, his mouth lifts into a hesitant smile.

He reaches into his pocket and holds out a clean tissue, neatly folded. “Thank you,” I murmur, taking it and turning away, feeling my heart jump slightly as his fingers brush mine.

I quickly swap the used tissue for the one the angel has giving me, wiping my nose as best I can but not daring to blow. I’ll have to in a minute but not until he’s gone, some things should not be done in front of such utter perfection.

“I have more if you need them,” he says, and I notice how soothing his voice is, how it fills me with warmth and makes everything else matter just that little bit less.

Until I sneeze.

[M214186]

That was awesome. 

[Alicia2]

4 hours ago, M214186 said:

That was awesome. 

thank you, I'm really glad you liked it

I might update tonight, I'll see how quickly I can get through everything else I have to do. The chapters are already written but I usually rewrite a lot before I post.