An open letter to everyone within this forum...

[asnzplz]

Hi there.

This is my first post. I'm a little nervous to tell a bit of my story, but I hope it will resonate with someone out there. If I have posted this in the wrong place, please just move it to wherever it needs to be. I want to follow the rules, am just not 100% sure of what i'm exactly doing - so please bare with me!

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I knew from age 9 that there was something about sneezing that was interesting to me. Not sure what it was, but from age 11 I was looking up pictures of sneezes and reading articles all about what exactly 'sneezing' was. I didn't fit in during High School, and struggled to express myself. I didn't understand what a fetish was at age 11, so it was something that I knew excited me, but wasn't sure why or how. As I got a little older, I found YouTube - which was pretty new at the time. Without thinking, I candidly uploaded a few sneezing videos of my own just for fun - not understanding the world beyond what I was actually doing. 

After I realised that it was a pretty bad idea to be doing what I was doing, I deleted the videos not long after posting. And forgot all about it all.

Years later, my 'fetish' instincts returned and I found myself doing more 'risqué' videos on YouTube, mainly to express myself and get the attention I was so desperately missing in my own life. At age 14 and 15, I uploaded these videos to YouTube, and even deleted some in just a matter of minutes after broadcasting. It was a constant tug of war in my mind at what I was doing. In the heat of the moment, I needed that attention. Minutes after, I realised how stupid I was being.

But you can't make mistakes like that on YouTube. Why?

Because many people will take advantage of you. Re-upload your content. Continue to re-upload your content after begging and pleading to have it taken down.

Please know that this is not aimed at everyone reading this. I know 99% of you are lovely, wonderful people and have the utmost respect for anyone who has the courage to raise their voice on this platform.

The last 5 years of my life have been absolute hell, and most of it has been down to having my image shared on social media, with no control whatsoever.

As we speak, my body is being objectified on the internet. People are able to do whatever they want with my image. They can share it. Save it. Re-upload it. Do whatever they please with it. And it is so absolutely disgusting to me that anyone would ever think that its okay to re-upload sexually suggestive images of a 15 year old girl. 

Is this my fault? Absolutely. I shouldn't have uploaded videos in the first place. But I was fifteen years old. 

What did you do when you were 15? Did you get caught smoking weed? Did you accidentally crash your parents car? Did you skip class one too many times? Did you do something you whole heartedly regret and wish you could take back? Of course. We all made juvenile mistakes back then because we all had poor judgement and little regard for consequences of our actions.

I'm not trying to play the victim. I'm not looking for sympathy nor well-wishes. I just feel like the time is now to speak out about this. And if my experience can stop just one girl from making the same mistakes as myself, i'm more than happy for that.

I have to admit to you all that my mental health is in absolute tatters. I'd say that all of this has given me so much more pain and hurt and anxiety than anything else in my messy, complicated life. It drives me to thoughts of potentially ending my own life on a daily basis. My career, that I have spent so much time, money and effort on cultivating, is completely OVER should anyone ever uncover something like this from my past. It sounds dramatic. Maybe its because I suffer from manic depression and extreme anxiety, but THAT is how much all of this has affected my life. And I want people to know that:

There are women behind the videos you watch on repeat.

There are women with careers.

There are women with lives and parents and children and loved ones.

There are women who actually care about their bodies, and what people do with them. And how they talk about them.

The same goes for content regarding men and children. I just emphasise women since our bodies seems to be disrespected and objectified universally way more than men.

Please do not upload content that doesn't belong to you. Please, please, please. Please respect the person behind the video and understand that they are human. Please do not ruin someone's life by hanging this over their head for the rest of their lives. I know i'm not talking to those who have done such things, but just think about what i've said and take it with a grain of salt I suppose.

Thank you so much for listening. I'm sorry if this sounds pretentious or as though I am fishing for support. That is not what this is about. I'm standing up for what I think is right, and I think going forward into 2018 we can all be a lot more cautious and wary of the content we view and ultimately have absolutely no right to take ownership of.

I was a young girl who made a few silly mistakes that have ruined the rest of her life. Or seem to have. 

I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Peace and love.

[justaquirkygirl]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. It isn't right, and I'm sorry that you seem helpless to correct it now. 

[Alabaster]

Oh my, I'm so sorry this happened to you. 

[Sneeze999]

This is something that I have always feared happening, over the last couple of years I have put it upon myself to tell youtubers uploading videos of women (mostly camgirls and such) that doing this kind of thing without the womans permission is not cool and can get them in trouble, I have always felt very strongly that video's that were made by others and show that person in any detail, should NOT ever be re-uploaded without that persons express permission.

It absolutly sucks that you have had to go through this, I don't think there is anything I can really say or do that can help you except to send you lots of virtual hugs and to tell you that, no matter what other people might think of you, you are the person who determines who you are, you are the only person with that power, and the only way these people who have objecitifed you and hurt you can do anything to you is if you let them, you are a strong female human individual and your life is your own to do with as you please, the world is your oyster. I just hope some of that helped even the slightest, please take care

Edited January 9, 2018 by Sneeze999

[Enkidom]

I am posting here mainly so that you can see where the post has been moved to asnzplz, but also to say that you should not feel that you have to blame yourself for anything, all the opprobrium is down to the people who have made you feel this way. A response on behalf of the staff has been sent to the e-mail that you used to register for the forum with. *hugs* It took a lot of strength to write what you just did, and you said what you needed to say very eloquently.

[Alyssa1146]

This break my heart.  It is NOT your fault.  You were a child, and children do not have the foresight to know how things can affect them.  They are innocent and do not know how people can take advantage of them.  I am so sorry this happened to you.

I do think you are very courageous to write an open letter on here.  We all need to be reminded of this even if it's never crossed our minds to repost something that is not ours.  We also need to be reminded to not promote or indulge someone else who has done so.  

We all make mistakes that we have to live down.  We are our own worst critics, and we beat ourselves up even after others have let things go.  

On 1/9/2018 at 2:45 AM, asnzplz said:

I'm not trying to play the victim. I'm not looking for sympathy nor well-wishes. I just feel like the time is now to speak out about this. And if my experience can stop just one girl from making the same mistakes as myself, i'm more than happy for that.

Maybe you're not looking for it, but you have my empathy (not sympathy, because I am in this with you even though our mistakes may look different) and my well-wishes because I wish for you to find peace, acceptance and self-love in LIFE.  I also offer you my admiration for owning more than you should have to own and sharing for others to learn from.  

On 1/9/2018 at 2:45 AM, asnzplz said:

I have to admit to you all that my mental health is in absolute tatters. I'd say that all of this has given me so much more pain and hurt and anxiety than anything else in my messy, complicated life. It drives me to thoughts of potentially ending my own life on a daily basis. My career, that I have spent so much time, money and effort on cultivating, is completely OVER should anyone ever uncover something like this from my past. It sounds dramatic. Maybe its because I suffer from manic depression and extreme anxiety, but THAT is how much all of this has affected my life.

You hang in there!  You are here (and I don't just mean this forum) for a reason and a purpose.  You never know what small thing you do that may save a life or make one immensely better than it was.  You never know what joys the future holds.  Yes, it will also have sorrows too, but we hang on for the joys and the triumphs.  You are certainly due many more of those.  

On 1/9/2018 at 2:45 AM, asnzplz said:

Thank you so much for listening. I'm sorry if this sounds pretentious or as though I am fishing for support. That is not what this is about. I'm standing up for what I think is right, and I think going forward into 2018 we can all be a lot more cautious and wary of the content we view and ultimately have absolutely no right to take ownership of.

I'm not someone who has posted for a long time, but I am someone who has been lurking around here and other places like it for a LONG time and for the same reasons as you and others.  I find people like me here who understand and empathize.  When I feel alone because of my fetish, I come here and feel "normal," whatever that is!  

On 1/9/2018 at 2:45 AM, asnzplz said:

I was a young girl who made a few silly mistakes that have ruined the rest of her life. Or seem to have. 

Me too.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  There ALWAYS is.  ALWAYS.  We need you as much as you need us.  We need you to keep us in check on this forum.  We need you to be there for the next person who feels alone and helpless.  I think many of us have struggled to find our place where we fit.  You're not alone here.

If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.  I'm not sure if I have PM privileges yet or how I have my account set up for contact, but I'll go check as soon as  I post this.  If the help you need is reporting videos on YouTube as something private that has been reposted without permission, I am glad to help report whatever I see.  I'm not sure how that would work in regards to forum rules (not asking you to bypass any of them at all because they are there for this very reason!) but I am glad to help if you can ever think of a way that I can do so.

Something that has helped me tremendously with guilt and shame (and I do not think you should feel that, but I know what it's like to feel it and not care about the "shoulds") is to go out and help others.  You are a good person.  You deserve to do things and feel good about the positive things you put out in the universe.  I already think your post will have a ripple effect when some of the younger forum viewers read it.  

 I have tears pouring down my face thinking of how I don't ever want anyone to feel this alone and helpless.  Please don't give up.  

[cprlaw08]

whilst I can't undo what other members of our community have done, I can welcome you in and offer anonymous online support, if you want a ear to offload on / talk things over, we all have this fetish together and it causes problems big and small for each of us, how big they are depends on each persons circumstances, obviously its no exaggeration to say yours sound at the top end of bad, but remember you're not the only one who's been in this situation and you won't be the only one who's feeling the way you are, there's plenty of lovely people on here that will tell you the same and help you through it,

it takes great courage to post something like this so well done for doing it! any problem can be fixed, just a matter of method and time, we all do stupid things at all times in our lives but don't let that stop you from enjoying the rest of it! For a lot of us here im sure, their career / family life + the fetish wouldn't mix, yet they still come here as a place of release / sanctuary, so remember you're not alone!

if there's anything I can do to help, even a simple chat, do let me know!

[Boba]

So sorry that this happened... such a nightmare... but incredible of you to speak up and share your story. 

I also just want to say... of course hang in there. Of course people are here to support you and be there for you. But I also really advocate seeking help when it comes to mental illness, if you're not already... Especially about the suicidal thoughts. Without going into a whole lot of detail, I have struggled with mental illness for a whiiiile lol... And I pretty much thought it was impossible to do anything about it at this point. When I was hospitalized, forced into therapy, and spent time in psych wards in middle school and high school, I just thought it was my parents way of treating me as the problem, not working with me to solve the issues we had. Once I moved out and became more independent, I felt super trapped, like I couldn't do anything about my mental illness... I had no money, no insurance, and I didn't want to admit to ANYONE that I thought I might need help hahah. I just accepted that my time was limited. Some day, I would kill myself. I never knew when that day would come, what would finally push my over the edge... But I was positive that that was my next step. I had everything planned out, and it both comforted and terrified me... in a way it perpetuated the problem and made me just want to do it and get it over with because it was always on my mind. But I finally did talk to someone, and got insurance lol, and now I have meds and an emotional support animal and life is a whole lot better. Not perfect, and things are still being fine tuned, but it is so much better. Please do not be afraid or ashamed of seeking professional help. 

[sneezeguy468]

Wow, this was moving. I'm sorry this happened to you. I can't say I know how or what you felt or went through because it luckily never happened to me, but I admire your openness. While no one's life is the same, we all have our demons we fight every day. Thank you for putting your story out there. It's been a long time issue in the community and has really ruined it to be quite honest. But I think voices like this can help a lot. Keep chugging along; you sound like you've handled things maturely so far so keep it up.