Caped Colds-BATMAN (Joker)

[lunarcat42]

So, I have finally decided to bite the bullet and put my super long Joker snz fic on this website totally not in a desperate bid to get access to the rp section 

It's probably OOC, it probably won't make much sense to anyone but me 🤷‍♀️ Who really knowssss. It's just some sweet fluff.

Honestly I'm just proud that I'm sharing something for the first time.  Love it or hate it, I just wanna see how this goes :3 

AN: This version of Gotham city is set underground in a sort of steampunk time/place inspired by the 1920's. I headcannon that the Arkham Gang are actually semi-close with each other, but it's buried under a lot of tough guy act. Jason Todd has just shown up recently and is causing hell for the Arkhamites (what I call them) Don't worry about much beyond that

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Chapter 1

There was going to be a head cold in his near future, he just knew it. It wasn’t the coldest winter in record, not yet anyway, but it was certainly one of the wettest. His nose felt the onset of a sneeze edging its way forward to the tip of his nose, though he had been lucky enough to stave it off but he doubted it would last much longer. All Joker wanted was to lie in bed and get pampered by Harley. Maybe have her bring him some hot cocoa, maybe some soft hand-h-handker…

With a swift, practiced movement, Joker pulled a lavender handkerchief out of his pocket and brought it to his nose.

“Haachmmf!”

Handkerchiefs, finished his thought. Joker quickly stuffed the hanky back into his pocket, hoping none of his men had noticed. No, well, perhaps just a few stares, but his returning glare quickly put them back in their place. No gunshots needed today, not with his head threatening to split.

Deathstroke, his longest lasting lieutenant so far, wrapped up his speech.

“So, you all know what to do, if you see any freaks that you don’t recognize, let me know and I’ll deal with it, got it?”

There was a mumbled round of agreement. Were this any other speech, Joker would have zoned out long ago, but this time…this time he had something more personal invested in it.

He’d be damned if this newly seen motorcycle fetish freak was gonna get anywhere near Arkhamite territory. Were this any other villain, he himself would have head out and slaughtered them, but…after seeing the bodies of his men, broken and bent with strikes and shots that suggested an educated fighter than some serial killer lunatic. He knew he couldn’t take any chances, the bruises, the broken bones…suggested a fighter of the Bats caliber, but with none of his morals.

Harley had left to visit Catwoman for a bit after Joker suggested it to her. Harley was sweet but there was no way in hell she would be able to stand up to whoever or whatever this new threat was. She and Cats were best of friends after all. As long as she stayed away from Ivy, everything would be fine.

 But now it was just him, this Azrael/Anarky/Hell’s Angels ripoff and this bloody stupid head-cold.

“Aah-nnnk-choo!”

Another sneeze, louder, less productive escaped his mouth. Deathstroke mumbled a quiet bless as he lead the rest of the men to their positions.

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Deathstroke placed a hand on Joker’s shoulder, gently rousing him from his hypnotic gaze into the storm. Joker stood at the entrance of his funhouse hideout, some cold drops of rain splashing his face and clothes. He had hoped that the cold from the storm could help him wake up, be more aware, but it seemed to only have the opposite effect as his body expended more energy trying to stay warm. The wind blew through the caves in a mournful song, and droplets of mineral water struck the surface of Gotham Bay in endless repetition, forming perfect circles as they did so. Joker tried to stifle a deep yawn, drowsy from the cold and damp.

“You need to get your rest,” stated Deathstroke, his voice never rising in tone. It was near impossible to figure out how he really felt behind that black and orange armor. Still, perhaps it was only wishful thinking, but Joker swore that Slade had spoken a touch more quietly than usual. A welcome thought as a dull ache settled behind his eyes.

“I’mb fine Slade…just a touch of the sndiffles…” This was certainly not the case at all, but…

“Heccxnnt!”

Joker had managed to barely stifle that one, though it would have felt endlessly better to simply let it out. Now the congestion in his head seemed even worse. One hand went to the door frame to steady himself, the other pinched the bridge of his nose, as if that would help stem the tide of stuffiness and headache.

“Come, you’re catching cold. You can’t pay me if you’re dead.” Before Joker could register these words, he felt himself being led away from the door. Deathstroke had wrapped one arm around his shoulders tightly, giving him some support. Oh how badly he wanted to simply lie down and have Harley take care of him while he coughed and sneezed his head off and all this chill had left him! Why couldn’t he had gotten sick any other day, week, month?

A cool feeling on head shook him awake once more. Deathstroke had taken off his right glove and gauntlet and was pressing a pale, smooth hand to Joker’s head.

“Slight fever…warm cheeks…trouble staying focused…” Slade murmured, more to himself than anyone else. “Sneezing, coughing…chills…” Slade tugged the shoulders of Joker’s purple coat tighter together. Even this did not seem to help stop the jester from getting goosebumps. They rose and fell on his skin with heart wrenching regularity.

“You’re starting to develop the flu, as your head of security, I have to insist you get yourself warm and in bed.”

“But, H-Harley…”

“Is safe, she’s far away from here. Unless you put her in witness protection I think you’ve done all you can for right now. If you get some rest now, you might be able to shorten this cold by a bit.”

Joker nodded, slowly, regretfully. Right now it felt like nothing he had done was the right choice. A pinprick of heat suddenly tingled in his nose. It was one of those awful tickles, where it was almost painful with how tingly and warm and desperate it was. He swiped a finger under it, noticing that it had begun to run when he pulled it back. As he fought against the urge to sneeze, one that most certainly was going to be thick, his congestion attempted to over take this tickle. Now he was well and truly stuck, hardly able to breath but still with this damn tickle in his nose. He sniffled and tried to focus on anything else, the sound of the storm, Slade lighting up the fireplace, his frantic search for a hanky which was SOMEWHERE in his pockets…

“Hh-heh…eh…eehhgiishhh! Sddiff…” His first sneeze, pitiful, frozen by congestion, only really managing to rattle around in his head and make the itch to sneeze worse.  He managed to find and pull out a wet handkerchief (wet from what he wasn’t sure he wanted to know) and blow his nose into it pitifully, managing as best a weak stream of air from his tired nose.

“Bless.” Slade offered, glancing his way briefly. The fire was going now at least, Joker could just barely smell the scent of wood burning, giving off an earthy warm smell…the smoke of which was almost entirely too much for him to handle.

“Eh ht…ehh…heh…h-HEHH-”

Deathstroke placed a finger under Joker’s twitching, reddening nose. The slight pressure was helpful for the moment it took Deathstroke to find and give him a fresh, black handkerchief and press it to his nose.

“HEH-EH-EGGXXTCHEW! Ah-Aggtchoo! Hahchoo! Hah-shoo! Urg…”

Joker Learned back and rubbed his nose accompanied by many sniffles and sighs.

“May the shadows let you be, my friend, may they pass you by and claim another today.” Joker rolled his eyes on instinct. It was an old blessing from old Gotham, meant to be said after each sneeze individually. A wish for good health and protection from bad spirits all in one.

“I’m d-dot sihgk…” Joker sputtered. But of course it was a lie, an obvious one, he just..always had a bit of trouble admitting when he was ill. As if waiting for this cue, a blanket settled over his shivering body. Against his own will, Joker laid back on the couch and slowly closed his eyes.

“Goodnight sir.” Joker nodded in response before falling into a sleep. At least nothing else would happen tonight…

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AN: gonna split this up into parts so that it's not so much a wall of text

[lunarcat42]

Chapter 2

 

Of course something else happened. Something else ALWAYS happens. The headache had left but was now replaced with a general daze of fever heat and spinal chills. And of course, he was currently being stared down by a giant crocodile man.

“Let mbe pass ‘sdniff’ Crocc…” The croak in his voice added a lovely extra hard ‘c’ to Croc’s name. A breath of warm, somewhat sour air hit Joker’s face as Croc sniffed him. The smell sent him into a harsh coughing fit.

“Hrnnnn…you smell…sick…You mind tellin’ me what part of your whacked up little mind thought heading out into the rain with a fever was a good idea?”

“I-I…heh-cough! Cough!”

“Right, you don’t have to answer.”

“I just needed…some air…”

Joker hugged his wet coat closer to his body. He did need the air, the space. The fever made him restless, unable to sleep, and his cheeks were quite uncomfortably warm. Croc had managed to herd him into a shuttered lawyers office, out of the wind and rain. Part of Joker was grateful, part of him already felt the terrible heat start to return.

Killer Croc knelt down to be at eye level with Joker. “Listen, Joker, boss, you need me to take care of anything?” Joker swiped at his running nose and sniffled, but shook his head.

“I was…having…trouble sleeping…” Each word was accompanied by a wheeze. Croc began to speak once more but Joker held up a hand to stop him, he could at least speak a full sentence, at least.

“Hmmn…the chills gave me…”

nightmares of far off visions Joker realized. He swallowed the slight lump in his throat and tossed that thought away into the 'don't worry about it' pile of his mind.

“Trouble resting…my place was too stuffy…and-ah-and…” Out once more came the completely soaked lavender handkerchief,

“Ah…ahhtishuuu! Guhh…eggcuse mbe…” Croc gave him a sympathetic look, but still stayed his distance.

“Listen, boss, I really think you should be at home, have Harley look after ya, you know?”

“C-can’t, Harley’s out with C-Catwomaaaaaaiiishhuee!…Sdniff…bess me again…” This generated yet another sigh from Croc, and for a time afterwords, there was silence. The sound of rain bouncing off rooftops was both distant and close, a primal sound, one reminiscent of being in caves huddled around a small fire to keep the bad spirits away, or even of being in the womb.

Croc’s grumbling voice snapped Joker back to reality.

“Hey, boss, you heard what I said?”

“Hmm?”

“Huuhhrgg…I said, I respect ya too much to just drag you back home, even though I wish ya would.”

“Oh…”

“So before you head off into the night, ya heard about the new guy, right?”

Joker blinked.

“New guy?”

Croc nodded. “New guy, wears fancy armor, carries himself like a real cock of the walk. I heard some of the other tunnel-dwellers talking about him. Call him Red Hood.”

“Did they mention him before or after the secret government plans to blow up the moon? Heh…hehe…koff-Koff!”

Croc rolled his eyes and barred a fang or two with a huff. “Listen, just be careful, alright? This guy…he seems different from the others. You know, Batman and all. Even though he kinda dresses like him.”

Joker took a stumbling step forward. Damn this cold! It was like being drunk, and not the fun kind of drunk either. Croc lifted a hand as if to catch him should he fall, but Joker steadied himself.

“Yeah yeah…I heard of the guy…don’t you worry about me old boy, I’m just going to make some rounds, talk to some folk…well, at much as my voice will let me anyway, hehe…”

A few more steps, and once more the cool mineral rain hit his flushing and fevered face. And then, just as suddenly, the rain seemed to slow. Joker opened his tired eyes, and was met with the face of Killer Croc standing over him, his enlarged body taking the brunt of the rain.

Joker frowned, but Croc didn’t budge.

“Sigh…really Croc…I’m fine. Just need some space.” It was here that Croc finally relented. He stepped back out onto the street, nodded respectfully to Joker, and turned towards the nearest manhole.

“Go home Joker,” he stated “and…well…you know where to find me.” And, as effortlessly as breathing, Croc lifted up the metal cover and slipped down below the city.

Joker coughed, blew his nose once more, and looked for a street to travel down.

[lunarcat42]

Chapter 3

 

“Ehhtchuu! Ehh-shuu! Hehh…hehhh…haaaahhh…dabd cold...so sduffly add sdeezy add I just cad't, hehh… cad't” Joker scrubbed at his nose, hoping to stem the tide of steadily irritating mucus. “...heeh-tzzu! Ssgiff… Sigh. Maybe Croc was right...I really should be h-h-heh…hobe..."

Joker stopped under a glass dome in a upscale marketplace. Now that fall had begun to die, the market had started to close down in preparation for winter. Some stalls had been covered with tarps, others were already being dismantled. In the distance were the lights of the entertainment district. Yellow light bulbs, crimson neon, and the blacked out silhouettes of urban nobility with tall hats and flowing dresses, scurrying off into the night.

Joker leaned against a wall and rubbed his nose on his sleeve. His head was stuffed with congestion, every breath through his nose both weak and immensely irritating. He gently pushed up on his nose with the back of his hand, allowing some more cool night air to make its way inside.

…! “HEEHGGXXCHOO! G-gods…”

He felt the dreadful amount of spray that followed his desperate, itchy sneeze. Joker dared not pull his hands away from his nose and mouth, but frantically attempted damage control using his purple, wet sleeve as a handkerchief. It was during one of these sniffle filled pauses that he noticed…movement.

Just out of the corner of his eye, a shadow darted from an alleyway. Too quick for Joker’s eyes to notice, but he was also far too tired to care. Whether the figure be a lost stranger, a homeless wanderer, or Red Hood himself, Joker was about to figure out what was up.

He reached into his pocket and withdrew a deeply serrated knife. He was just going to sneak up on this bastard, and whoever it may be, teach them a lesson for even daring to BREATH in the same place as him right now.

Of course, following this thought was an intense coughing fit. His throat reacted badly to the hurried breaths of cold air as his adrenaline began to rise. He looked up, and saw the shadowy figure paused at the end of an alley way. His eyes watering from his sneezes, coughs, and congestion, it was damn near impossible to make out who it was. But now he was at a disadvantage. Perhaps the person hadn’t seen him, perhaps the sound of someone so obviously sick in this abandoned place had simply given them pause.

 Joker picked a direction and ran. The nearby church graveyard suited him just fine. The Church of Saint Dumas was it’s name, unused for years, it had been turned into a historical marker, and then simply into a crumbling ruin. Some said that clergymen were still seen to enter and exit it, but Joker never cared much for godly matters. Not until right now of course.

He vaulted the iron fence with surprising dexterity for his aching feet, and quickly ducked past the ajar door of a crypt. Either the fool following him would simply leave, be scared off by some superstition, or, if Joker was lucky, would try his luck and get his own set of scars for the trouble.

Gods, how this prince wanted to smash something, if only to take the edge off his woozy head. But for now, there was just silence, and the sound of rain hitting the crypts roof.

Well, and the overall smell of basement the crypt was giving off. Must, and cold, wet stone. Perhaps just the slightest hint of mold, the smell of ages past and dust. Plenty of dust.

Far, far too much dust as far as Joker’s sensitive nose was concerned. A perfect microcosm of tickly scents and small particulates that clung to every inch of his stuffy nose.

He twitched his nose back and forth, trying to soothe it’s need to sneeze. Were he to sneeze now, not only would his position be found out, he felt he would most likely die. (Mostly likely not of course, but nobody likes sneezing when so very sick).

He rubbed his nostrils, already starting to flare, and snorted gently a few times. But with how stuffy he was, not nearly enough air was able to escape in order to free his nose from the dust.

He tried to listen out for footsteps, for any sign of someone coming closer, but it was nearly impossible with the amount of focus he needed in order to keep himself from sneezing.

He pressed a slender finger under his nose, his nostrils reddening and desperate for release. They were wet, soft and round. He tried pinching it shut, scrubbing it harder, but nothing was going to stem the tide of sneezes he knew were in order.

Finally, after moments of pure agony of silent hitches and thick sniffles, he felt his lips curl back and tighten into a painful frown.

“Hih…hahh…aaahhh…”

His eyes blinked shut, try as he did to keep them open. He slid his knife into his pocket, just for the moment, as he raised his two hands to his twitching nose. He was unsure now if he wanted to sneeze to try and get this pain over and done with, or if he would try to hold it back as he was somewhat certain that a sneeze this large WOULD kill him were he to let it out.

“Heh-heh-hehgg-heeehhhgggnn-!”

A soft thunk on the roof shook even more of the dust trapped in the rafters free. To Joker he might as well have been trapped in a pepper and feather factory. All he could feel from his nose now was the stinging, uncomfortable burning of a fully stuck and massive sneeze.

He pinched and un-pinched his nose.

“H-hahhh…sggnidddfff…Gahhh…Ah-ah-ahhh!”

The door swung open.

Joker was pinned against the wall.

A voice spoke.

“Aha! Finally found you-Joker?”

The shock was all to much for his trembling, tingling nose.

“HEEEH-HEHHGGXXNNTT! Snifff…Ah-ah-AHHGGNTCCHH! AHHHTCCHHX!”

They were possibly the three wettest, most wonderful sneezes he has ever done in his life. Dear lord they were amazing, for a few seconds afterwords, he couldn’t remember ever breathing so clearly.

Riddler was less than enthused. In fact, as Joker slowly opened his eyes, he realized that the poor enigma lover looked absolutely horrified.

“Did…you…just…sneeze ON ME?!”

Riddler retreated to the other side of the crypt, his face scrunched up like he was witnessing a slug crawl up his arm. Which is to say, the most disgusted anyone with one face could possibly look. Joker offered a satisfied sniffle in response. Truth be told, he was somewhat glad it wasn’t Red Hood, he really really didn’t want to go out like that.

“H-hey Riddles.”

Riddler was already busy wiping down his face with one of his many, green and question mark dotted handkerchiefs.

“For God's sakes Joker, what is wrong with you? First you nearly give me a heart attack, and now you’ve gone and given me the cold I’m sure!”

Riddler sniffed indignantly, as if one minuet of time was enough for a cold to set in. Joker coughed weakly and gave his best, faltering smile.

“If it makes any difference to you…I think it’s the flu-huu-heh-eppppttshh! Oh…dear…” And just like that his nose began flowing freely once more. Riddler stared at the clown with narrowed eyes, and adjusted his coat while glaring at him.

“Well, whatever it may be I’m certain that you can deal with it yourself. I was only out here to leave some riddles, provide some mental stimulation to this idiotic city.” Riddler thrust his cane against the ground and turned out to walk away.

“Hey…R-riddles?” Joker’s voice became croaky once more. Riddler sighed and paused at the doorway, but did not turn to face Joker. Perhaps he was scared of getting sprayed again.

“Yes, oh prince of crime?”

“There’s….koff-kaaff! Sggdniff…Some Red Hood loony out there, he’s taken some of my men…be careful…”

Riddler turned to look over his shoulder. Perhaps it was simply a figment of hopeful imagination, but Joker swore he saw his face soften somewhat.

“…Yes, well, I very much doubt that this ‘loony’ has any chance of defeating a mind such as mine. Good-evening to you sir…”

And then, with a few steps, Riddler was back out into the rainy night. Joker stifled a small sneeze and hugged himself. He was just so dreadful cold…

The sound of new footsteps entering woke him slightly. The feeling of an arm sliding around his shoulders and supporting him got his attention.

“Bloody hell, can’t believe I’m doing this…You owe me so much,” said Riddler.

Joker nodded silently.

“Come now, you poor fool, let's get you fixed up.”

[lunarcat42]

Chapter 4

 

“How exactly did you come to the conclusion that wandering about in the rain was the smart thing to do?” asked the cool voice of Dr. Crane. Despite Riddler often annoying Scarecrow with his ego, and Scarecrow often annoying Riddler with his unwillingness to play along, or simply his expert way of manipulating said ego, the two villains lived relatively near to each other. Scarecrow himself inhabited an abandoned funeral parlor, while Riddler had many bases, but currently had brought Joker to his apartment in the arts district. Currently the good doctor was taking Joker’s pulse. His fingers gently pressed against Joker’s wrist, and Scarecrow’s eyes were firmly locked onto his wristwatch.

“Ain’t a guy allowed to be a little crazy?” Joker coughed into his cupped hand, a dreadful rattle accompanying it. Scarecrow lifted his hand, scribbled a note down onto his clipboard, and adjusted the green towel Joker had wrapped around his shoulders. Riddler had kindly given him a soft robe to wear so he could dry off a bit. Joker once more had that restless feeling in his legs, but the softness of the robe, along with the smell of a gently burning fire and bubbling soup made everything feel heavier and heavier.

“You could have easily died from exposure,” said Crane. He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and gently dabbed around Joker’s red nose. Soft rounded corners of the fabric tickled his sensitive nostrils, and his nose gave a telltale twitch.

“H-hey doc…I th-think you’re gonna m-mbake m-mbe…” He nose has already started to run in an attempt to quell the itch, clogging up his voice.

“M-mbake m-mbe h-heh-hhehh-heeh!” His eyes were squeezed shut tightly now, god he just wanted to sneeze so badly and get rid of this dreadful tickle.

“Joker, if you need to sneeze, it’s perfectly fine.”

His allowance given, Joker gave his nose what it was begging for.

“Hehh…Heehhggnnntt! Hehhhtcchh! G-guh…ggaatchho! Ah-ah-ah!…ahhh…sniff… Urg…stupid sndiffles…” The handkerchief was well and truly soaked from his thick sneezes, but they certainly didn’t seem to help his stuffed up head. Joker gingerly took the handkerchief, and dabbed at nose with some weak sniffles.

“Bless you,” said Crane. At least with these couple of sneezes he was able to breath a bit better, for the moment anyway. The sound of a timer going off was both too loud and muffled by his head congestion. He winced, but the sound was quickly silenced. Scarecrow glared at Riddler.

“Sorry, sorry! Forgot I put that on.” Riddler switched the egg timer off and poured some hot bone broth into a couple of mugs. The slightly spicy smell wove its way over to Joker, and it smelled good.

“Here, drink up,” offered Riddler.

“I’mb dot that…hungry…” Joker said, a little quietly.

“It’s good for you, and you need warming up anyway. I’m surprised you haven’t caught your death yet.” Riddler pressed the cup into Joker’s trembling hands, and he had to admit the heat felt amazing. He hugged the mug closer to his chest, letting the heat warm his center, and letting the steam and smell help thin his congestion.

“Come now then, drink up before it gets cold.” Riddler took a small swig from his own cup, while Scarecrow replaced the wet towel on Joker’s shoulders with a thick quilt. Joker took a few small sips, but the sensation of the warm, golden brown liquid sliding down his sore throat, warming his chest on the way was nothing short of amazing. Slowly he felt the gently heat overtake the chill in his bones.

“You’re lucky Spooky here lives so close by, the streets are flooding, not to mention that new villain out and about. Heh, who does he think he is? Doesn’t even have the decency to introduce himself,” Riddler said with a huff. Joker looked at him.

“New villain, you’ve seen him?”

“Of course I have! Nothing escapes my gaze. Looks to me like he’s just trying to rip off Batman and Bane at the same time, maybe with some Ra’s Al Ghul thrown in for good measure. Guess we snagged all the good gimmicks, hmm?” Riddler grinned to himself and returned to drinking his soup.

Joker said nothing, he simply stared out the window into the storm.

[lunarcat42]

Chapter 5

(Mess Warning)

 

The sneezes by this point must have been in the hundreds. Or at least it felt that way. What should have been a simple, albeit cold and wet, trip to Ivy’s garden after spotting some suspicious movement out the window had suddenly turned into the most itchy desperate hell Joker had ever experienced.

Apparently, him and Ivy were still not on great terms after the last time he tried to blow her up. For his trouble of attempting to catch this scoundrel Red Hood, he had gotten himself a nice face full of toxic pollen. Of course, Joker being what he is, is immune to most every toxin in the world. But by god was that still a lot of tickly, small grains of pollen dancing around his long nose.

“Why have you come here, clown? You know no men may enter unless-”

Joker held up a finger, asking for just a quick pause. He felt the fit coming on. This was not going to end well.

Ivy quirked a brow, though Joker couldn’t see it with how tightly his eyes were closed. He grit his teeth, pain, itchy, desperate pain shot through his nose, hell, his whole face. No, he didn’t have any pollen allergies normally, but Ivy could probably make anyone suffer from them without even trying.

“Hihh…hhhiihhhh…”

“Are you-”

“Hiiih-zaahchoo! Hhihhatchoo! Hatchoo! Hihh-hehh-geehatkkgnnt!” Gods, what even was that last sound? Besides wet beyond all belief.

Ivy simply stood there for a moment and stared. On one hand, it was pretty incredible to watch the self proclaimed prince of crime be felled so incredibly easily, on the other…

“Heh-kknntcch! Heh-haettshuu!”

It was also a bit disconcerting. Joker had never had any sort of reaction to her pollen before. Not so much as a sneeze or cough, it was like he was impervious. Ivy watched him as each sneeze bent his body in two. Eventually he knelt down on the grass covered floor, sneezing desperately into his gloved hands, any gasps of fresh air only working to further irritate his nose. His whole body was wet from rain, Ivy swore she saw him tremble.

She had no love for the clown, or for most men. They were only barely tolerable at best…but…still…

“Joker, by Mother Gaia…what is wrong with you?”

“I-heh-hihh-hhaveee-ehh- a c-c-ccaatchhuu!”

“A cold? Hells, it sounds more like you’re dying.”

She put one green hand on his shoulder. The water trapped on his coat, right next to his skin was shockingly cold. A few leaves on her arm draw back just the slightest amount.

Joker pushed her hand away, all the while coughing loudly, sniffling, his eyes wet with tears from the force of his expulsions. It was clearly not a good day for him.

Ivy drew forth a few plants, who slithered towards her. One vine bore a mortar and pestle, another brought a cloak of moss and leaves, and still a few others offered her their fruit. Mint, eucalyptus, ginger, some lemon, and peppers of brightest reds and oranges. Joker fumbled for his wet handkerchief, and brought it to his red nose. Almost as red as the hot peppers themselves. The cold and damp of it simply irritated him further, causing another coughing, painful fit.

“Heh-ah-tchuu! Hettshooo! Ah-Ah-aaahkctoo-koff cough cough!”

Joker hugged his shoulders and shivered greatly. But he felt an odd texture under his fingers, not his own soaking wet coat, which seemed to have vanished, but a soft, fuzzy texture.

A long, green cape of Ivy’s making, moss mostly, with some leaves woven in, had been wrapped around his shaking frame. It was soft, though not as warm as he would have hoped, and it certainly was no towel. He had half a mind to throw the damn thing off of him, he disliked Ivy just about as much as she disliked him, but wasn’t particularly in the mood for another face full of pollen.

Instead, he simply glared at Ivy. Normally a look like that from him would be enough to make anyone’s blood run cold, but seeing as how he was currently shivering, sniffling and swaddled in a living cape, it was a bit less terrifying.

Ivy turned back to him, holding a small bowl of some sort of liquid. If it smelled of anything, Joker couldn’t tell. IT felt like he had never been able to smell actually.

“Listen, you’re going to take this medicine, you’re going to tell me why you barged into my house in the middle of the night, during a storm, with the flu-”

“It’s a code! I’m dot thad sihgk…”

“…right, and then you’re going to go straight back home, got it?”

Joker just continued glaring at her. Ivy rolled her eyes and frowned, but got to work anyway. She took a small cloth, not more than a soft dish rag, and dabbed it into the bowl of liquid.

“Now, this is going to help you breath easier, but it has to go on your nose, so…just try not to sneeze too much.”

Joker gave only the smallest of head nods, which Ivy took as a yes.

“The scent will help bring the inflammation down, once that’s dealt with, I’ll see if I have anything around here for chills.”

The moment the cold liquid touched the outside of Joker’s red nose, it was over. He pushed Ivy’s hands away and pinched his nose shut as he stifled a tremendous sneeze.

“Heh-heh-Hehhhgggnnn!” He sniffled and rubbed the underside of his nose with his finger. “Suh-sorry…”

“You really do have a cold, don’t you?” was Ivy’s soft reply. Joker said nothing. He hadn’t felt so sick in ages. And dreadful sick he was. Hardly able to breath, lost all sense of smell, hot and cold running chills, and the gradual, dizzying loss of all place and time. Memories from earlier in the evening were fuzzy, half of them he wasn’t sure really happened. Everything floated in a feverish haze, with no mass or depth.

Another quick dab of the cold cloth on his twitching nose, but Joker managed to force down his itchy sneeze, at least this time. Ivy was going slowly, gently. The cloth of the soft rag tickled as much, if not more so, than the cool liquid, the scent of which was gradually becoming more clear. Minty, slightly spicy, some sort of pepper was in there. Gah, just the thought of black pepper made him want to sneeze right now. Hell, maybe it was black pepper. Some citrus notes too. The scent of it wound its way up his nose, cooling and calming it, but also tickling it with it’s unique scent.

Whenever Ivy pulled her hand away for a moment, Joker would hold his gloved finger underneath, suppressing the urge to sneeze as best he could. At least his sniffles felt like they were doing something now, as opposed to before when hardly any air seemed to be passing through his nose.

Ivy noticed this great struggle. She wiped some water off his forehead, and felt how hot it was to the touch. He clearly needed a doctor, badly. But Ivy was no doctor. Well, okay technically she WAS, what with her PhD in botany, but not a medical doctor. She could whip up elixirs and formulate vaccines to give someone immunity to her spores, sure, but that was no replacement for someone who could really truly nurse Joker back to health. Her type of healing was more…intimate usually. And not anything either person here would probably want to be involved with.

His eyes were unfocused, his whole body shivered. He coughed once or twice into his hand. Joker tried to not look her in the eye as he knelt on the cool concrete floor of the greenhouse.

“I-Ivy…I n-need to l-leave…I h-have business to…at-t-tend to…” His teeth clicked on some of the harder consonants. But still, he meant what he said. The less time spent with Ivy the better.

He pushed himself up, shakily, to a standing position. If Ivy didn’t have any knowledge to share about the Red Hood then it was time to leave.

“Hold on now, you never told me why you came here in the first place.”

Joker dragged himself over to the door, and gave a harsh sniff before he responded.

“And I d-don’t inteh-heh-in-t-t…”

His nose twitched sharply, then again to the other side. Nothing in particular had brought this sneeze on, nothing beyond the general itchiness of his worsening head cold. Perhaps some of the pepper from Ivy’s tonic had managed to irritate enough of his nose to cause a reaction.

He had let the leafy cape fall off his shoulders in a sign of rejection, but now he certainly wished he had it back on. The sound of the storm through the glass arboretum door was enough to make him shiver again.

“Ahhg…ah-hah-heeh..”

Ivy brought fourth a small vine. It was covered in small grassy hairs, and it slithered up to Joker’s face. The vine seemed to be considering him for a moment, like a snake watching its prey.

“Need some help with that?” Asked Ivy. Joker opened one eye slowly, and watched her warily. Just swiped at his nose again and again, with his hand, his wet coat sleeve, his fingers. Ivy took that as a yes.

The vine wasted no time in helping his head cold along. It slithered up his flared nostril, slowly but deliberately. Joker recoiled as soon as it did, the coolness of the vine plus the small hairs on it’s tip were immensely irritating.

The vine rubbed itself gently on the sides of his sinuses as it wormed its way upwards. Finally the tickling had reached a tipping point.

“Hehh-hhhehhh-HEEEGGKKKSNNN! EEEHHHTTTSSHEWW!”

The vine retracted, now covered in wetness, and Joker wiped the mucus off along his coat sleeve. Ivy withdrew a bit from the somewhat repulsive scene. Joker just tightened his coat around his shoulders and shrugged into it.

“Well…thingk I’d best be goingg…”

And then, once the door was open and shut, there came one more sneeze. One brought on by the cold and damp of Gotham’s streets.

“AAAPP’TCHOO! Urg…G-gods…”

Ivy had just resigned herself to going back to watering her plants, when a loud gunshot peeled through the night. It was instinctual, her bare feet pulled her to the door as fast as they could and she tore it open.

But there was no sign of Joker anywhere.

[lsbn]

I really hope you continues this, it’s wonderful!!!!! 💕

[lsbn]

*continue

[peach_princess]

Why am I seeing this only now??? It's amazing! Every crazy fantasy anybody could ever think of brought to life. OMG 😳

I can't describe it how much I love suffering characters, and Joker is such a perfect choice here - a powerful, strong prince of crime, not being able to control himself, being completely weak and desperate, yet trying to joke and maintain his high status. 😍 The part where he's hiding at the cemetery is my favorite, actually.

I can't recall a fic on this forum which would be that bold with describing just how much the main character is struggling with sneezing, and making him suffer in so many different ways (OMG)

Oh, and I also liked it how caring those who were supposed to be villains turned out to be, even Ivy - awww 💕

Thank you for the story!