How to stop kink-shaming myself?

[peach_princess]

've had the fetish since I was a child. I've always known that I was different, and sometimes I thought that I was "not normal", but I've never really shamed myself for having it. 

Now I'm 21. This year I've started contributing to the community A LOT: I draw fetishy pictures, I've created a YouTube channel and I've even texted several guys who had the same fetish...

Although all that does make some of my fantasies come true, it also makes me feel extremely ashamed. I've been raised in a close-minded country where fetish would never be considered "normal" + my depressive state over the past year have made me constantly think that I'm "a perv who will never be accepted by the society once somebody finds out". I just can't stop thinking about it, it lowers my self-esteem so much (btw, thanks PewDiePie for contributing to it with your nice kink-shaming video. Very sweet of you.) 

I know, I know, I'm already getting some treatment for my depressive state. But I'd love to hear you, guys, your stories about self-acceptance ❤

[Morningsmith]

This is really hard. I struggled with it a lot myself at one point, in a way that was very similar to my discomfort with my bisexuality. And even of those two, I remember being aware of and uncomfortable about fetishy feelings long before attraction to men. I'm openly bisexual today, but I've never told a living soul about the fetish. All that to say that I'm with you: it's really hard to process and accept something about yourself that has no recognized place in the reality around you. It can feel like there is no team, even no conversation for you to join. It can feel like you're just ... wrong. Different in a bad way. An undersired result as a person.

 Here is the thinking I used to become comfortable with it. First, you are doing nothing wrong. Sexual pleasure is wonderful: everyone should have as much of it as they can without hurting people. So in that sense the fetish is a gift. It's something you are able to enjoy, a special opportunity for a richer, sexier life. People who cannot see it that way are being childish: ewww, those people can get aroused from something that doesn't arouse me, it makes me feel weird, I hate them. This is one of the big sources of homophobia, I believe. It's also exactly the way that small children are about food. Accepting that other people experience things differently is part of being an adult, and yet even adults constantly fail at it when it comes to sex. Don't let these people be your problem!

As for not telling people, well, it's up to you, right? If you don't hurt anyone by not telling them, and it makes your life easier to live, what's wrong with that? I know some people feel that, to have a fully trusting relationship, they would have to tell. That's not how it is for me, at least not so far. But I promise that it's possible for fetishists to have wonderful relationships with or without telling.

I hope this is vaguely helpful. Maybe this is just how it is for me, I don't know. Anyway, I really wish you the best with this. It's wonderful to share the planet with you!

[medstudent]

Totally get where you're coming from-- like Morningsmith, I also experienced the same discomfort with my bisexuality, finding it hard to accept something about myself that generally isn't accepted by people around me. 

As someone who has a fair bit of experience listening to the problems of others, I can tell you that the general attitudes that you are raised around will have a great impact on how you end up judging yourself later on, and it takes a fair amount of self-work to be able to recognize and reject these self-hating behaviours and thoughts that were instilled in you while you were growing up. 

Regarding your worry about what society might think, one thing I can tell you is that it's not appropriate to "yuck someone else's yum". People who look down on or judge others are only doing that because of their own insecurities, and they project their own self-judgement onto others. People who are truly happy in their life and who are happy with themselves never feel the need to put down other people. Same thing that you've heard over the years about playground bullies-- they only put others down because they themselves are not content with some part of their life. 

Having our fetish is something that makes us unique. Sure it's uncommon, but it doesn't harm others, so in my view there's nothing wrong with it. I would suggest some work on the following things:

1) Accepting that you have a sneezing fetish, and this is something you cannot change. Like I was saying above, there's nothing harmful about it, and IF others were to find out and react in way that is negative (something you have no control over), it is only because of their OWN problems-- it has nothing to do with you. 

2) Identifying other parts about your appearance, your personality, your behaviours, etc. that you really like about yourself, and making a list of at least 3 of these per day. This will help you with building a more positive self-image. 

3) Work with a counsellor to help you identify your negative automatic thoughts. This will allow you to challenge these thoughts and realize that these negative thoughts you have about yourself have no truth behind them. 

Wish you all the best! 

[Show&tell]

Some very good answers in here already.  😃

I had denied this part of myself for so long growing up, it was a huge internal struggle to finally overcome my feelings of shame.  I had to truly and consciously immerse myself into the fetish.  I leaned into my anxiety and with each passing day it got better.  

It sounds like you are brave enough to share some parts of this with others!  That really helped me.  

Everyone is different.  But there is NOTHING wrong with you.  I wish you the best on your self discoveries.  Feel free to reach out anytime.  We are good listeners. 

[facet]

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Edited November 1, 2019 by facet
Removed by user.

[peach_princess]

@Morningsmith @medstudent @Show&tell @facet thank you very much! Your words really mean a lot to me. After all of the kink-shaming videos in YouTube (which I researched, apparently, to harm myself mentally even more)... I think I just needed somebody to tell me that I was not a freak, that what I experience had been experienced by others, that I'm "normal". It does make me feel better. Next time my negative thoughts come back, I'll just re-read your messages in this thread. I'm very grateful for your support and advice (I'm actually going to use it)! ❤

[medstudent]

15 minutes ago, peach_princess said:

@Morningsmith @medstudent @Show&tell @facet thank you very much! Your words really mean a lot to me. After all of the kink-shaming videos in YouTube (which I researched, apparently, to harm myself mentally even more)... I think I just needed somebody to tell me that I was not a freak, that what I experience had been experienced by others, that I'm "normal". It does make me feel better. Next time my negative thoughts come back, I'll just re-read your messages in this thread. I'm very grateful for your support and advice (I'm actually going to use it)! ❤

You're absolutely not a freak :) Everyone has unique qualities that are not always shared by other people, but you're certainly among like-minded people here :)