sexuality? gender? questions answered! ask here!

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

i thought something neat i could do for pride month, since many schools don't actually provide any sort of education about the subjects, would be to make a nice thread where people can come to ask questions about sexuality and gender, and lgbtq forum users can volunteer to answer them if they feel like it! this could be questions about what it's like to be gay or trans, what something means, or even advice column style questions like "is it okay for a man to flirt with a lesbian?" (it's not.) or "can i be bisexual if i also like nonbinary people?" (you can!)

don't be afraid! you can ask any honest question here and no one is going to judge or yell at you, because this is not the snake pit. (that said, since this is not the snake pit and especially since it is currently pride month, homophobic and/or transphobic trolling will not be tolerated here and will be reported.)

so! what sort of things do people want to know about sexuality or gender?

[MeForever]

Thanks for this thread! My question is, is it still possible to be asexual and have a fetish? I've been struggeling with this question for a while now.

[Reader]

@MeForever Yes, you can. With a fetish, you’re sexually attracted to the object or action or body part, but not the actual person that’s necessary for the fetish to be available. And you can tell that when you isolate the fetish from the person indulging. You can still feel sexual feelings/bring yourself pleasure and be asexual as well. 

[bloom]

@MeForever i disagree with reader and my position is that if you experience any sexual feelings at all that precludes you from asexuality, more or less on the basis that nobody ever seems to be too indiscriminate with who they like sneezing when they say they're asexual. like, to me, it would be believable if everybody who said they were asexual liked anybody at all sneezing, but they pretty much exclusively enjoy people they find attractive sneezing, and that says to me that sexual attraction is inherently a component within this specific fetish. 

i know barely any lgbt people who didn't have a phase in their life when they identified as some flavor of asexual, and i mean barely. it is extremely normal to be a late bloomer, especially if you have things that complicate your sense of sexuality like being lgbt or having a fetish do. that's not to say that it's impossible that you're asexual, but being a late bloomer is a lot more likely than never being able to experience sexual attraction, especially given you have sexual feelings about your fetish.

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

2 hours ago, MeForever said:

Thanks for this thread! My question is, is it still possible to be asexual and have a fetish? I've been struggeling with this question for a while now.

i can only speak from experience, but for me i only thought i was asexual because i was not into men, and men were the only viable option to me for a long time because when everyone expects you to be with a man, you start to expect that of yourself too. the fetish was a big clue for me that i was actually not asexual! since i still had sexual feelings. it took me a long time, but i eventually figured out that i'm a lesbian. i think that if i had never labelled myself as ace, i would have figured it out a lot sooner, and been a lot happier! i've spoken to a lot of lesbians and a lot of trans people who have had similar experiences to mine, so it's worth keeping in mind! 

Edited June 6, 2019 by •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•

[facet]

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Edited November 1, 2019 by facet
Removed by user.

[MeForever]

@Reader@facet@•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.• (Sorry, my laptop won't tag you) Thanks for answering! It really helps.

 

Edit, and @Jejune, thanks for answering as well.

Edited June 6, 2019 by MeForever

[Kaze Wo Hiku]

8 hours ago, MeForever said:

Thanks for this thread! My question is, is it still possible to be asexual and have a fetish? I've been struggeling with this question for a while now.

As someone who identifies as ace and has the fetish, yes it's possible. Like @facetsaid the ace umbrella is huge and it is possible to experience sexual gratification. Sneezing is the only way I experience anything sexual. 

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

8 hours ago, Jejune said:

@MeForever i disagree with reader and my position is that if you experience any sexual feelings at all that precludes you from asexuality, more or less on the basis that nobody ever seems to be too indiscriminate with who they like sneezing when they say they're asexual. like, to me, it would be believable if everybody who said they were asexual liked anybody at all sneezing, but they pretty much exclusively enjoy people they find attractive sneezing, and that says to me that sexual attraction is inherently a component within this specific fetish. 

i know barely any lgbt people who didn't have a phase in their life when they identified as some flavor of asexual, and i mean barely. it is extremely normal to be a late bloomer, especially if you have things that complicate your sense of sexuality like being lgbt or having a fetish do. that's not to say that it's impossible that you're asexual, but being a late bloomer is a lot more likely than never being able to experience sexual attraction, especially given you have sexual feelings about your fetish.

Count me as one of the barely. I've never identified as asexual

[rosesarered]

To get away from the ace discourse (acecource?) and to also ask a question that's been bugging me for a good long while, do you have any tips on how to tell if my attraction to men is real or just something I feel like I need to have? I'm like 99% into women and almost never jerk it to men or imagine men doing sexy things but at the same time, I feel like in the right situation I could find a guy I'd do things with and I am a little interested in guys with nice rich voices.

Also this question is less for me (I am trans as hell and feeling swell) and more as a socratic thing for people still questioning/reading this thread despite not being queer: what exactly is a pronoun?

[Bluebird]

You beat me to it rosesarered – I was about to ask about pronouns myself! Specifically:

-What is a pronoun?

-How can we respect peoples’ pronouns at large?

-And – the one I’m most curious about, seeing as I’m a cis woman who has only ever used one set my entire life – when someone uses multiple sets of pronouns (eg. she/he/they, she/xe, he/they, etc.), which set should I prioritize using when referring to that person?

Edited June 6, 2019 by Paws

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

11 minutes ago, rosesarered said:

To get away from the ace discourse (acecource?) and to also ask a question that's been bugging me for a good long while, do you have any tips on how to tell if my attraction to men is real or just something I feel like I need to have? I'm like 99% into women and almost never jerk it to men or imagine men doing sexy things but at the same time, I feel like in the right situation I could find a guy I'd do things with and I am a little interested in guys with nice rich voices

yes! so, if you have to actively think of specific situations in which you'd be okay with doing something with a man, but you easily and often feel attraction for women, you're most likely having compulsory heterosexual feelings for men--that is, feelings for men that society tells you that you ought to have since you're a girl, so you try to finagle them into your experiences even if they aren't necessarily something you'd be otherwise into naturally. this article has a good list of ways to recognize comp het feelings, as well as other experiences that lesbians commonly have because of similar societal norms

 

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

28 minutes ago, rosesarered said:

Also this question is less for me (I am trans as hell and feeling swell) and more as a socratic thing for people still questioning/reading this thread despite not being queer: what exactly is a pronoun?

 

25 minutes ago, Paws said:

You beat me to it rosesarered – I was about to ask about pronouns myself! Specifically:

-What is a pronoun?

-How can we respect peoples’ pronouns at large?

-And – the one I’m most curious about, seeing as I’m a cis woman who has only ever used one set my entire life – when someone uses multiple sets of pronouns (eg. she/he/they, she/xe, he/they, etc.), which set should I prioritize using when referring to that person?

good questions, both!! 

so in this context, a pronoun is a short word that people can use to replace their name in conversation. 

for example, every pronoun in the following sentences have been put in bold so that you can recognize them easily:

"Stacy went to the park with her best friends because she didn't want to go by herself."

"Andrea gave the toy back to Nolan because it was his turn, and she is good at sharing."

how we can respect someone's pronouns is just to use the pronouns that they want you to when talking about them. if you're not sure, a good way to ask is to say, "what are your pronouns?" or "what pronouns do you use?"

it's important to use the pronouns that someone wants for themselves, and not argue or laugh at them for it, and not to ask gendering questions like "are you a boy?" as that could be hurtful and frustrating. these are common pitfalls.

here on the forum we have a pronoun(s) field in the user profile area so that everyone can fill it in and we don't need to wonder.

as far as what pronoun set to prioritize for somebody, this varies greatly by the individual and the best way to find out is to ask them! for example, i like he/him and she/her pronouns equally for myself, and enjoy when people use either for me, or even switch up which one they use for me at random. however, i have some nonbinary friends who are alright with they/them, but prefer he/him. in this case, either is okay, but i prioritize he/him since these friends like that better.

Edited June 6, 2019 by •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•
typo

[facet]

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Edited November 1, 2019 by facet
Removed by user.

[FadedRose]

Thanks Q for starting this topic! I know it’s wildly important to be educated about this kind of topic so as not to make false accusations, assumptions, etc. And to help those in the LGBTQ+ community feel accepted.

I’ve had questions before that the internet didn’t clearly answer for me, and unfortunately nobody has voluntarily wanted to answer this question for me. Ive asked this around the forum multiple times and I’ve been confused considering the amount of LGBTQ+ folk around here who haven’t wanted to answer it for me, for whatever reason. 

So my question is, why are there more than two sexes? 

According to google, sex is either of the two main categories (male and female) into which humans and most other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions.

I know there are numerous genders, and people choose whichever gender they see fits themselves or what they feel most comfortable as. However, to my knowledge, you can’t pick your sex unless you go through transition procedures. And I know in rare instances, some babies are born with both male and female sex organs.

How many sexes are there? How is it possible to have a sex that isn’t male or female?

[facet]

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Edited November 1, 2019 by facet
Removed by user.

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

@FadedRose i admit to not being the most expert at explaining sex, but i do have this good resource on it! this is sexologist dr lindsay doe, and she explains it pretty well i think. 

also, intersex people are about as common as people with red hair. not as rare as you might think!

Edited June 6, 2019 by •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•
forgot to ping!

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

1 hour ago, facet said:

When someone gives you pronouns that you were not at first expecting- for whatever reason- don't just say, "Well, I just won't use pronouns for this person then!"

I had a manager who went this route after I came out so she would say things like, "Go give facet facet's break," and it was awkward and obvious and just made things uncomfortable, not least-wise because it still sent the message "I am uncomfortable with your gender so I will do this action so I won't have to accept it."

Another way to help support people with pronouns at large is by getting into the habit of giving your own!

There are people out there who unfortunately target and harass trans people who list their pronouns.

A big way to combat this as well as to just show that you're a supportive ally is to list your own pronouns in your different profiles online, keeping them in your email signature, and when introducing yourself, going: "Nice to meet you! My name is facet and my pronouns are He/His!"

Developing normalcy around pronouns is very helpful and it also invites people to give their own pronouns in return

good additions facet!

[Anonymouse]

Does the split attraction model have any validity outside of distinguishing between sexual/romantic attractions/orientations for asexual/aromatic folks? I remember thinking I might be homosexual and bi/panromantic, but that was when I was just starting to realize I was a lesbian and trying to cling to a bi label that was no longer (and really never) accurate for me. I also had a client who was almost certain she is a lesbian, and believed the SAM to be garbage, but was reluctantly referring to herself as biromantic because she is dating a man who is sweet and nice to her. She has had a lot of male-perpetrated trauma in her life and has acknowledged that her desire for a healthy relationship with a man may be because of this. To me, it feels as though the SAM could be and has been harmful towards people struggling with internalized homophobia, although I see how it is useful for LGBT ace/aro individuals who want to distinguish their same or multi gender sexual attractions from their romantic attractions. Just curious what other people thought!

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

in my experience, the split attraction model is pretty harmful to people in the community, especially gay and lesbian people who are questioning and trying to find themselves.

it's normal and healthy for us as humans to want companionship, and when society tells you that seeking companionship from one "expected" gender is good all your life, that's likely going to be somewhere you seek that companionship, even if you're completely gay. 

that's one facet of compulsory heterosexuality, and comp het attraction. feeling comp het attraction does NOT mean you are less gay. it's a symptom of living in a heteronormative society and nothing more. (also if anyone has questions about compulsory heterosexuality or comp het attraction, ask away!)

the split attraction model doesn't account for this important to acknowledge aspect of gay and lesbian life, which is both harmful and invalidating to many young gays who think they're gay but feel like they aren't "gay enough" to claim their identity. on top of this, since it masks and obscures the comp het attraction, it prevents young gay and lesbian people from knowing themselves and their sexuality on a deeper and more intimate, accurate level.

edit to add, bc i completely forgot to touch on this and i don't want to seperate this from my post:

@Anonymouse as you mentioned, it does in fact also harm young lesbians and gays who are struggling from internalized homophobia. depending on what point of unraveling that they're in in their life, this internalized homophobia can take the form of thinking, for a gay man for example, "i mean i guess i could date a dude but i'd never have sex with him." or "i mean i could totally have meaningless sex with a dude but it's not like i'd like him or anything, i wouldn't want a relationship with him"

internalized homophobia is hard enough to recognize, confront, and heal without factors such as the split attraction model obfuscating matters. when you add the split attraction model into the mix, it can just add years to a gay or lesbian's journey to self discovery.

Edited June 8, 2019 by •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•
additional thoughts

[facet]

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Edited November 1, 2019 by facet
Removed by user.

[Anonymouse]

1 hour ago, •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.• said:

the split attraction model doesn't account for this important to acknowledge aspect of gay and lesbian life, which is both harmful and invalidating to many young gays who think they're gay but feel like they aren't "gay enough" to claim their identity. on top of this, since it masks and obscures the comp het attraction, it prevents young gay and lesbian people from knowing themselves and their sexuality on a deeper and more intimate, accurate level.

I am very familiar with comphet at this point in my life, but would you mind explaining more for people who may not have heard of it/know what it is, as was the case for me about a year ago? If not I'd be happy to, but you just do a really good job of explaining things, and I am jetlagged as fuck so idk how good I'd be at writing something comprehensive. I will say it is the reason why being gay never even occurred to me as something that was a possibility for me. It has influenced a lot of people's journeys and I would love if it even allowed just one person here to learn a little more about themselves and their sexuality. 

Edited June 8, 2019 by Anonymouse

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

8 hours ago, Anonymouse said:

I am very familiar with comphet at this point in my life, but would you mind explaining more for people who may not have heard of it/know what it is, as was the case for me about a year ago? If not I'd be happy to, but you just do a really good job of explaining things, and I am jetlagged as fuck so idk how good I'd be at writing something comprehensive. I will say it is the reason why being gay never even occurred to me as something that was a possibility for me. It has influenced a lot of people's journeys and I would love if it even allowed just one person here to learn a little more about themselves and their sexuality. 

thank you! i'll do my best to explain it, but if you feel you have something to add please feel free to! it's a pretty big and complex concept, so i might not be able to cover every aspect of it by myself.

compulsory heterosexuality, often shortened to comp het, is a social force. compulsory means obligatory, mandatory, or required. heterosexuality means straightness. so, comp het is a force of socially required straightness.

comp het exists because society is very heteronormative-- meaning that straightness is expected of everyone and is considered the normal and default way to exist; that any other existence is "different" or "alternative" or someway deviating from that norm, that social standard.

some examples of how pervasive, how everywhere this is in society and culture, are:

• the way that parents coo over their small sons if they make friends with small girls, saying they're "a natural ladies man" or "has a little girlfriend"

• the way that if there is a woman character and a man character in a tv show together long enough, they will date, even if it doesn't make sense for the characters personalities.

• the idea that "men and women can't be friends"

• the way that in fairytales and movies aimed especially at young kids, the guy always "gets the girl" and the princess's storyline only gets to "happily ever after" when she marries a prince.

• the way that men are expected to be actively going after sex with a woman 100% of the time, especially in highschool and college.

• the way girls corner each other as young as middle school and demand to know what boys the other girl has a crush on, with no option for "i don't have one" because you have to have a crush on a boy

because this subconscious message of straightness as normalcy, as how you're supposed to act, so completely saturates the lives of nearly everyone when they're growing up and developing their identities and sense of self, it can and often does change that person's experience of their own sexuality and identity. 

the way i usually put it, because it's the best way i know how to explain it quickly, is that when everyone expects you to be straight, you begin to expect that of yourself too. 

especially since gayness is a concept that isn't even introduced to many people before a certain age. they wouldn't even know it was an option until they'd already begun to expect straightness for themselves, and for their whole life.

this experience of comp het can manifest itself in a lot of different ways, because people all react differently to societal influences 

this list is nowhere close to comprehensive, but some common experiences of comp het include, for example:

• if you're a girl, choosing which guy you're going to have a crush on based on if he seems nice, and then crushing on him as best as you can because you want to be normal and fit in.

• thinking you can't possibly be a gay guy, because you've only gone out with women (because that's what was normal and easy to do, since she asked you out and that's what People Do isn't it?)

• confusing feelings of nervousness and discomfort for feelings of attraction, because it would make sense for anything you're feeling in this traditionally romantic or sexy situation to be attraction, therefore that MUST be what that feeling you're having is

• confusing feelings of admiration and wanting to be validated and accepted by someone of the "expected" gender who you think is cool for feelings of attraction, because those are the strongest feelings you have for anyone of that gender so that MUST be what attraction is

• being attracted almost solely to people of the "expected" gender who are: emotionally or physically unavailable or taken, much older than you, or gay themselves

• being attracted to people of the "expected" gender who just happen to be dating someone of your same gender who you think is pretty or handsome

• being attracted to someone of the "expected" gender only after all your same-gender friends have had a crush on them too

• being attracted to someone of the "expected" gender only until they reciprocate feelings, and then finding all your attraction evaporate, often times replaced by fear or a feeling of being trapped or uncomfortable 

• focusing mostly on the companionship parts of a relationship, and doing the sex parts more to keep your partner happy/attracted to you than because you want that part or enjoy it; or doing it because it makes you feel powerful or in control, or because it's just What Happens after kissing

• frequently getting crushes on people of the "expected" gender who are kind of plain but not bad looking, who have authority over you, who are in some way unintimidating, or who are the opposite very threatening

• frequently or only getting crushes on fictional characters of the "expected" gender, or wishing you could marry a fictional character of the "expected" gender, or believing that fictional characters of the "expected" gender are just better than real people

a lot of people who experience comp het attraction also simultaneously experience internalized homophobia, which is something i think is worth talking about in the same post too since these two social forces work together to disorient gay and lesbian youth so often

internalized homophobia isn't as cut and dry as it would seem. it isn't just the version so commonly portrayed in the media of knowing you're gay and hating yourself or other gays for it

a lot of the time internalized homophobia is just plain not being able to connect with your real feelings because society has drummed into you for your entire life that they're not a real option, or that they're just plain not real.

again this list isn't at all complete, but some examples of this experience include:

• not being able to recognize real attraction, or thinking that the strong feelings of loving attachment you have for your same-gender friend are just a deep friendship

• being curious about the bodies of people who are the same gender as you, and brushing it off as something everyone must be wondering about and interested in OR brushing it off that you're just weird and stare at people too much

• searching for situations in which you could POSSIBLY be attracted to someone of the "expected" gender, so you're not really gay/a lesbian

• thinking that you really ARE attracted to people of the "expected" gender, but that your standards are just really really high, so that's why none of them are good enough for you

• wishing you could be gay or a lesbian, because it would be so much easier to just date someone of the same gender as you/not have to date anyone of the "expected" gender, but knowing that's just not you. bonus: feeling guilty about feeling that way because you think to yourself "you KNOW how hard it is to be gay, and why would you even want to be gay?? those poor gays. someone should really do something about bullying."

• having that same thought process, but instead of knowing that's just not for you, thinking instead that that's not a good enough reason to be gay/a lesbian, and that it doesn't make you a REAL gay/lesbian, and just continuing to live your life the way you had been before

• fantasizing about people who are the same gender as you, but telling yourself it's only a fantasy and it doesn't mean anything, even if you like these fantasies a lot more than you like fantasies or situations involving people of the "expected" gender

• wishing you could be gay/a lesbian, but resigning yourself not to be because of a fear of "missing out" on having a "normal life" or the life you always imagined you'd have

• feeling like you would like to have sex with someone of the same gender as you, but not a relationship 

• feeling like you would like to have a relationship with someone of the same gender as you, but not sex

• feeling like you kind of sort of think you might be gay or a lesbian, but that you can't be for some reason, like because you like the companionship and affection part of relationships with the "expected" gender, or because you have serious deep feelings for a celebrity of the "expected" gender, or because you keep getting crushes on your older married bosses (all comp het attractions)

• completely failing to even consider, or rejecting out of hand the idea of, people of the same gender as you as an option for any kind of relationship, sometimes while simultaneously realizing that you don't experience attraction for people of the "expected" gender in the way "everyone else" does

both of these social forces work hand in hand at preventing and confusing young and questioning gays and lesbians from discovering who they are. i definitely left some things out because the scope of both of these are just so huge, but i did my best to cover the basics!

@Anonymouse please add on if you see anything i missed, or underexplained

edited to add because i realized that i forgot: 

the reasons why comp het attraction is usually to someone who is in some way unavailable is because your subconscious picks up on cues that you may not even notice consciously, and in doing so often recognizes when someone is unavailable before you do. and since having a crush on someone who's unavailable isn't going to result in you having to actually date that person, they become a "safe" way to be attracted to the gender that society is constantly reinforcing that you ought to be attracted to. and again, much of this is done completely subconsciously, without you even knowing about it, so it can actually seem very frustrating. but yeah so that's the reason that comp het crushes are usually on older, taken, gay, celebrity, or fictional people.

and then very similarly, it's also the reason why a lot of the times if you do have a crush on someone and they reciprocate, the attraction immediately evaporates. it's because the attraction was founded in compulsory heterosexuality in the first place, so when the time came for you to actually face being with that person, the illusion of the genuineness of that attraction vanishes since it's no longer "safe" to fantasize about them anymore.

and then the reason that it's common to get comp het attraction happening when someone of the "expected" gender for you to be attracted to is dating someone of your same gender who you think is pretty or handsome, is because the attraction that you're subconsciously suppressing for the person of the same gender as you is transferring onto the person they're giving their affection to. alternately, you may find yourself feeling angry at or disliking the person they're dating, without really knowing why. this is also because of feelings of attraction for the same-gender person you kno, but this time it's because you subconsciously feel jealous of the person they're dating.

Edited June 9, 2019 by •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•
forgot something

[Rook]

Ironically in my stats class one of the questions was about children being born on a set time and day and probability I looked at my teacher and said our hermaphrodites included I believe the term is hermaphrodite when you have both a penis and a vagina please correct me if I'm wrong the reason I asked is that even though the chances statistically are very slim there still a chance therefore there was still a percentage and a statistic that must be counted so when facet said that male and female are outdated I do agree in the context of their only male and female which is not true and we all know that people only count male and female because it's the most probable so my teacher said to me presume there are none to take away the statistic what do you have and they have answer ABC Now presume the statistic is is added what do I have answers a b c d e f the littlest changes can make the biggest difference and I think that goes without saying for any anyting but especially when it comes to the discussion of pronouns sexuality religion any hot topic basically and by the way if this is hard to follow I apologize but I know what I'm trying to say I agree  you can be ace and have a sexual attraction to a degree for you it's a fetish not necessarily a person from my understanding which completely valid and just because you have a fetish should not stop you from identifying what feels right for you what feels safe for you.

I myself identify as a questioning pansexual because I know for a fact I am not completely straight I know for a fact that I would have sex with the right guy and I would have sex with the right girl there's so much phobia going on within every part of the lgbtqa that no one is completely correct in there opinions of other people because of the end of the day we know we're different from the norm and that's what should unite us but ironically it doesn't I am a female who is comfortable with her gender assigned at Birth and her pronouns but that does not exclude me from lgbtqa I've seen a lot of messed-up opinions if you're a lesbian and you look at a girl you want a banger right on the street that's what I've been told in so many words I have been told you're not pansexual because that just means you have sex with everybody that walks which we all know that is not true scientifically our brain goes for the most attractive and dominant to reproduce we know that it's science well I I as a person look for personality so my brain goes for the scientific Primal approach of look good fight good must marry well I go for personality at the end of the day me forever you are completely valid and anyone who says otherwise can fight me and to those that oppose Q's opinion that is absolutely fine that is your opinion

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

just to touch on a couple of things in your response ashlex: people born with more than one kind of genital or some arrangement of genitals other that or in between a penis and testicles or a vulva/vagina/ovaries are called intersex people. "hermaphrodite" is a slur.

intersex people are statistically about as common as people with red hair. 

being lgbtq does not make you outside the norm. it is normal and natural to be lgbtq, and the only reason that we're treated as different is because we live in a homophobic transphobic society where being cis and straight are considered the default.

also i'm not sure why you're mentioning the homophobic things you've heard about lesbians, but i can assure you they're not true, and this really is not the thread for homophibic messages.