Unfinished poem- The Devil and the farmer's wife

[Heathcliff]

I wrote this today, it's not finished or properly edited. It's based on a folk song, The Devil and the farmer's Wife. I'm imagining the Devil is a sneeze fetishist.

THE DEVIL AND THE FARMER'S WIFE

The Devil awoke in his bed one day,
He wiggled his hooves to shake off the dust,
He said to himself "I have an idea,
Today I shall find me a wife, I must."

He rose and dressed in his cloak so black,
Brushing his hair with a hairbrush of bone.
He shaved and washed and did up his tie,
And splashed his cheeks with a fragrant cologne.

The Devil he went outside into Hell,
And called out to the damned and the dead:
"Now listen up here, and you listen well!
A task I will set you, as I've now said."

"Go up into earth, and find me a wife.
You darstadly demons should find one with ease.
Beware that I want one with terrible beauty,
But foremost of all, with a beautiful sneeze!"

The devils and demons ran all around,
Flapping their wings and twitching their tails.
They flew up to earth so a wife could be found-
When Lucifer orders you never must fail.

Flippity-flap, the devils go by,
Breathing the air, enjoying the sky,
Uppity down and round and round,
But still no suitable wife was found.

Until a young devil, a spritely young boy,
Swooping around a gold field of wheat,
Said "Look down there- avast, ahoy!
Isn't that woman a delicious treat?"

A farmer was out in the blazing sun,
Toiling away, and baling the hay,
His wife was close by, hair in a bun,
Her dress was blue, and pretty and gay.

While she was working, she stopped and froze
Just as the field was stirred by a breeze,
She brought out her handkerchief up to her nose,
And then succumbed to a powerful sneeze.

"Ashoo! Ashoo! Ah... ah... Oh dear!"
The devils were watching her every gasp...
"AH-CHOO!" she sneezed- and their minds were clear.
They flew down and took her right into their clasp.

"What in the Heavens?" the farmer yelled out,
Toppling back on a bale of hay,
"Begging your pardon," the demons replied,
"But we want your wife and we want her today."

TBC Heath, you lazy bastard

[Heathcliff]

I should mention in case anyone finds this sexist-

the second part of the folk song is when the Devil takes the wife down into hell, and she causes such a rumpus that the Devil takes her back to earth again. So it's not totally anti feminist.

See also: