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Sneezing off stage... (f, allergies, multiple)


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Think back to when you were a kid. Maybe you're in school, or hanging out with mates in the park. You're developing an awareness of romance. Perhaps you're starting to find people attractive, even (gulp) those icky girls with their cooties! 

Stay with me. 

Sometimes, when you see an attractive person, and that person does something you suddenly realise is appealing to you, a particular part of your body responds in a visible and uncontrollable fashion. It's pleasurable, if unexpected, but hard to hide and potentially very embarrassing. 

Keep with me. 

Now imagine that, instead of being a pre pubescent boy with no real understanding of things, you are in fact in your late 20s, in control of your bodily urges, and nominally well-versed in how these things work. Picture, if you will, a scenario where you are wearing loose shorts and a tight t shirt, standing on a stage in front of 30 people ready to show your recently learned dance segment, on a hot summers evening with the windows fully open. 

No really keep reading I promise there will be sneezing. 

This is in fact the exact situation I recently found myself in, mid rehearsal for an upcoming show, in full dance regalia, and watching a beautiful, charming and dominant woman have a sustained allergy fit.

Our choreographer K is a few years older than me, about 32, with sparkling blue-grey eyes, a shock of curly blonde hair and a dirty laugh that pairs deliciously with her dusky northern English accent. Her nose is one of those that turns up sharply mid way down, crumples delightfully when it twitches or when she rubs at it, and is bejewelled with a discreet stud on on side. She's been massaging her nose with the back of her hand all evening, wiggling it from side to side every now and then and sniffing lightly every few minutes as she sits to the side and makes notes. 

Here is the sneezing, please excuse my comic preamble. 

Just as I'm gearing up to do my bit, K suddenly pitches forwards with her right hand clamped to her face, eyes scrunched shut with the force of it, letting out a muffled sneeze that's clearly been on her mind for a couple of minutes. 

"Hehhmmmpff-chii! Oh god, sorry everyone!" 

There's music going and people dancing, so no-one else really notices, but I immediately start paying attention - I know she usually sneezes in twos or threes. 

Sure enough, half a minute later, K lifts her hand to hover near her face and pitches forwards with another sudden, incongruously girly sneeze. 

"HAAHHHH-CHOOOO!" 

The tickly feeling subsides for barely a moment before her hand returns to its position. She leans back in her chair, nose twitching involuntarily as she allows a third sneeze to build up to its climax. Her eyes are half closed, eyebrows knitting together and mouth hung halfway open. Her breath hitches once before her head drops ever so slowly forwards again, then following through to rush down in an explosive move as she releases all her pent up energy into her cupped hand once again. 

"Hehh... HEHHHISHIEWWW! Ugh..." 

For a second, she seems to be free of the tickly sneezes she seems almost to be enjoying. This latest one was more emotive than the first two, less two distinct syllables than a passionate declaration of sustained release. She rubs at her nose again and wiggles it fiercely, sniffing heavily as if to test whether the persistent irritants are gone from her sensitive nostrils. 

No such luck. 

As I start to go through the 20 seconds or so of movement I need to do for this section, K raises her hand again to hover an inch or so in front of her face. This time her movements are slower, more deliberate. She knows a sneeze is coming, knows it will be a big one, but knows she has no real chance of stopping it now her allergies have beaten back her will power. Her hand fans quickly up and down a few times and she looks up into the bright light above her. I realise she's trying to coax out a stuck sneeze even as it grows in strength within her flaring, quivering nostrils. Her eyes blink once almost in slow motion, her mouth drops open once more as she draws an unsteady breath, her head draws backwards as she leans into the build up. The anticipation is enormous - both for me and for her - as she begins the final countdown to an explosive release. 

"Hehh... hehhhhh... HAHHH! HARRRISHHOOOOO!" 

At this, her resistance gives way completely and she finishes off with a final flurry of tickly, tortuous, increasingly girly sneezes that take hers and my breath away. 

"Hehhh-shooo! Herrr-ISH-iewww! Hihh... HEHHRISHIEWW!!" 

With these final sneezes, K shook her head vigourously and smiled around the room with a quick apology. By this time we had finished our showing and it was on to the next bit. 

I took a few moments to recover 😅

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