When Did You First Realize You Were Bi or Pan?

[Usagi]

Hey so I had this post idea. 

Another user (we're friends she's cool~) made quite a few posts about her self discovery as a Lesbian! I've seen a lot of posts on that sort of thing and wanted to inject some Bisexual/Pansexual positivity here and talk about that. Basically I think it'd be cool if we all talk about our experience in this area! I wrote Bi and Pan on here because I'm not sure which label I'd rather take. I've been attracted to a lot of different gender identities technically all of them at what point, though some very infrequently? So I'm not sure if I should count it as Pan or not. Regardless though I'm one of the two i my own opinion and I feel comfortable with both labels, bi more so then pan though. I've tried others but they just don't feel right when I say them you know? 

So basically my first experience was actually when I was 9. It came about through Pokemon actually.

I got my first Pokemon game which was Platinum and I crushed on Barry and a few other male characters like Roark or Riley which wasn't a surprise for me. I'd had a lot of male crushes at that point and still do. The thing that was interesting was crushing on some of the FEMALE characters. Like Cynthia and Gardenia in that game. That was interesting to me! I wasn't alarmed by it or anything like that but it was just...one of those things I put in the back of my mind. 

As I got older I had male and female crushes more often. I didn't hide it persay? Online I was totally honest about it among friends. Though I honestly encountered biphobia in that experience which gave me a lot of self doubt and some repression even. It came from both straight people and sadly more often then not other LGBT people which I didn't anticipate and was really upsetting to me.

You know the drill I'm sure. "You say your bi but you'll confuse guys if you say you were with a girl too." and a lot of the "Pick a side" mentality. So I was kind of repressive of it as I got older to a point? It was one of those "I know it's a fact, but I'm not going to broadcast it or talk about it anymore." My family thankfully is not vehemently LGBTphobic or anything like that so this story doesn't have a tragic ending, but they were more unaware of a lot of things? So it was hard to discuss with them in my early and late teens It didn't help that at the time communicating deep stuff to them like that was harder for me. When I alluded to it they just seemed confused and a few more careless comments were made. Which made me clam up because it was something I was more sensitive about. 

Recently though and honestly thanks to the user I mentioned I can't get her name when I try to tag her for whatever reason but this was Q btw, helped me out. She didn't try to force me one way or the other though at first I got defensive, because I was so used to that experience. Really though she kinda helped me at my own pace and didn't stop until she helped me with making sure my feelings were my own and a label that made me feel more comfortable with myself. It was in a sense reaffirming something I already knew but it was a huge relief regardless. She's helped my mental health in a lot of other ways. I'm genuinely grateful to her. I've been able to do a lot more and get my shit together thanks to her and this was one of those things. 

I was able to essentially officially come out. My parents were both accepting and understanding of my feelings and my Mother in particular apologized for her more thoughtless statement and took it back. The rest of the family accepted me as well and I'm surrounded by much better friends. I intend to only continue this trend and keep taking care of myself. I'm not going to let myself be trampled over or disrespected anymore. I deserve love and respect. No matter what. 

So that's it for me! I would also like to add just because how much your attracted to whatever genders you like waxes and wanes doesn't make you any less bi. It is an extremely common experience for bi people to flux back in forth in what's more sexy to them at that moment. I've gone through a lot of times where the idea of one appealed to me more then the other at that moment. Some bi people are mostly attracted to women, and only men sometimes or the other way around. It also isn't always just about appearance. For me I personally can't even think about jumping for anyone unless an emotional connection is there, despite my frequent crushes. I also have a lot of types I find more attractive then others, much like a straight person would.

It doesn't have to be completely 50/50 for it to count. All the feelings you have are valid. It was something I had shoved down my throat under the "Pick a side" routine. I wanted to debunk it.

That's all I got! So, what about you guys? What was your discovery/coming out like? How did you get here? I'd love to hear it~. 

 

 

[Teacups]

oh, fun! I'm bi not pan because I knew bi first as a label. I think I knew I was a lesbian first and went with that for a while, but honestly I'm trans and I'm still not sure which way is gay, cus I'm quite non-binary and fluid so I wasn't sure really who I wasn't meant to fancy in order to be socially correct. I dunno when I thought I liked girls best, there wasn't any queer things where I grew up. In school people would kiss same gender and that, but actually fancying someone was different. I was raised a girl and when my friends (also girls) would talk who's the crush this week it wasn't ever really an option to say 'you', lol. You could kiss same gender for a laugh at a party or say you were gay but not for REALS. not for fancying your friends or finding people attractive. So I fancied the boys instead and then I realised I'm a lesbian and though ah that was just repression, but then when I was 22 (old! I know!) there was this guy who was really lovely to me and I was like WOW I GUESS IM BI O_O and then there was the whole... discovering I'm trans thing... and now I tend, tbh, to just throw my arms in the air and be like I have no idea, I'll just call it all queer and gay and happy mmmkay?

 

But being bi is super important for me because like you of the people I've met and loved over it. two of the best friends I've had as an adult have been bi and really important to me, just being open and being proud and not being ashamed. You're right, you get pushback with straight people for being gay, and with gay people for being straight, and I'd flip-flop, pretend to be one or the other. Now I'm much more open, though I think I still hide it more than you do. I'm def more circumspect about it than I could be, partly because I don't really have answers if people question me. Maybe I should make 2020 a year I'm more open about it, and actually use the label bi. 

[Usagi]

Ughh I feel that! I've had a lot of trouble with guys as of recent despite my efforts. Never been asked out either. I've found plenty attractive but when they aren't compatible with you or like...make you feel safe and secure? it's really hard y'know? I can't in go faith go for it. It must be so nice though ughhhh.

LOL good philosphy Teacups XD. You should I think you'd be happier! I don't care what I get tbh I'm just finally being me. The true me. 

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

Even though I identify as gay I'm attracted to both men and women. Just thought I'd throw my two cents in 

[Usagi]

1 hour ago, Hizzoner duh Mare said:

Even though I identify as gay I'm attracted to both men and women. Just thought I'd throw my two cents in 

That confuses me a little but good for you! You may have to explain that a bit though cause I'm confused? 

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

9 hours ago, Usagi said:

That confuses me a little but good for you! You may have to explain that a bit though cause I'm confused? 

In my teens I called myself bisexual but as I got older I became more and more uncomfortable with that term. I can't explain why. Also I came to realize I'd rather be with a man. Hope that helps. 

[Usagi]

No problem! I get it!

[Leas]

Okayyy, so since I was 13? Maybe.. I always thought I was bisexual. I had my first relationship with a girl when I was 15 it felt right. So I was happy. 
I don’t know what made me realise, but at age 24-25 I realised I was pansexual. I can’t see me not loving someone, regardless of their sex or gender identity 💝💛💙

[Snapdragon]

I had a huge crush on one of my female friends at school when I was about 10 or 11, and only realized when I was 14 and actually understood terms like "gay" or "bi", what those feelings meant. I didn't officially come out to most of my friends and family until I was about 20, and I wasn't "publicly" out until age 24 when I had my first relationship with someone who then ID'd as female (who now identifies as nonbinary - and so do I, though I'm still learning to become comfortable with claiming that identity and what it means to me).

Bisexual was the first word I learned to identify myself with, and I still prefer it, though pansexual could also apply to me. Many bi people these days define their sexuality as "attracted to two or more genders" or "attracted to both same/similar and different genders", because gender and sex are spectrums and not a binary either/or thing, and that's the definition I work with. I find bisexual is easily understood by most people when I'm trying to explain that I'm attracted to multiple genders, so that's the term I use for myself most often.

@Usagi I'm glad your family and friends are more accepting now. It's always hard to come out when people are dismissive or don't take you seriously. Good on you for being honest about your feelings and standing up for yourself!

[Stimuli]

Still in the process of "realizing" it, but started allowing myself to be myself at 18.

[Rook]

2 years ago I started as pan and felt comfortable identifying as such

[March Hare]

Well, I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Not even joking. That's actually when a lot of things suddenly made sense in retrospect - FEELINGS I had had for a female teacher, for female friends, they took on a meaning beyond "eeeeeeee..." and I was part of a beautiful student society then, and kissed many more girls, and liked it.

I'd known about my men-with-long-hair fetish for years, and I'd seen so many people looking really sexy in their gender-norm-defying-ness - I've pretty much always loved to see a human and think them beautiful without being able to pin any gender on them.

[sneezynyc1885]

I'm really happy to see this .... I'm honestly still in the process of discovering my sexuality. I would identify as "bi curious" perhaps? But I think there is nothing sexier than female sneezing lol .... but I like male sneezes too ... seems to depend on context? People are either going to love me for who I'm attracted to or not *shrug* Once all of this quarantine stuff is over though, I really would like to satisfy my curiosity .....

[Kudryavka]

I always got crushes on the more feminine-looking male characters with long hair.  But I was a late bloomer and I didn't really understand what being turned on meant until my mid to late teens.  If I saw a glimpse of sexy anime girls I would feel excited but I thought it was because I was just excited about sex in general.  I was pretty rigorous about self-censorship though, so I didn't allow myself to explore it.  Maybe at age 19 or 20, I got upset about my boyfriend looking at hentai and then because he wouldn't stop I gave myself permission to "enjoy" hentai too.  I was always weird so I didn't really think about it as bi vs straight but like nerd vs normie.  It moved from drawings to gifs of actual women though and I liked that too.  But I still didn't think I was really bi because I had never wanted to date a woman in real life.  The turning point was when I told someone I was dating that I was straight and he was like, "You are not straight."  🤣

It doesn't really matter in practice though since it's an off-limits behavior in my religion (which I try to take seriously).

[sprinkles287]

This is really interesting to hear. Thanks for all who shared their experiences above. I’ve always identified as straight but do think that there’s like, a sliding scale to sexuality and gender. Somehow. I’ve wondered sometimes if I might be closer to bi or even ace or something else (no clue what ) on said sliding scale because I can picture myself with the right woman and although I am attracted to men, I’m not all about sex with men OR women if that makes sense. Like, sex is fine and can be fun with the right person, but it’s not the bee’s knees and I’d be fine without it.
Further context - I’m happily married and so it’s all kind of a moot point at this time in my life. 

If I have accidentally been offensive in anyway Please let me know. I’m curious and would consider myself incredibly uninformed on this topic. I certainly do not mean to be insensitive in any way.

[Lindaa97]

I suppose it is not something that I suddenly realized, it’s something that has always been there. When girls are small, they are close with their girl friends, hug and hold hands and so on. Then it suddenly ends and they don’t need to be this close to them. For me, or never ended. I always liked  women romantically and sexually since an early age. On the contrary, my interest in men took long to grow ...

[Guest]

I mean i asked my dad if girls could get married when i was 3, but I grew up very Christian, and mostly there was a lot of being too interested in girls as long as i can remember while thinking 'oh no that's not what this is' and praying the hypothetical gay that i absolutely did not really experience away and also holding, 'oh maybe i'm bi, it's possible, but not likely' in my brain throughout high school until one summer i had an almost love affair that forced me to confront it, and then still i didn't use the words for another two months XD

[Kicker]

Honestly I feel like I always knew. It was easier for me. I had the privileged of being raised in a house hold that didn't conform to gender roles. The thought of being attracted to women just made sense to me. My parents had a lot of friends in the LGBTQ+ community and I think that kind of personal representation made a big difference in my life. I came out to them when I was like, thirteen or something, and they didn't really bat an eye lol. I still sometimes struggle with the feeling that they might not view my relationships with anyone who isn't a cis male as less legitimate. But that's a whole other fiasco of my relationship w my sexuality. 

[Nas]

On 9/15/2020 at 4:23 PM, Rose said:

I mean i asked my dad if girls could get married when i was 3, but I grew up very Christian, and mostly there was a lot of being too interested in girls as long as i can remember while thinking 'oh no that's not what this is'

omg this was almost my exact experience growing up. Totally had a crush on a girl in my class. I also realized that a big reason of why it hurt when my best friend stopped talking to me when I was younger was the fact that I definitely had a crush on her. Definitely have had feelings for girls and guys and enbies throughout my life. I totally would invalidate my feelings though and try and force myself to be straight. Oh and ofc I'd take a million "am I gay" tests.  

I feel like it should've been more obvious for me in my teen years when I'd actively seek out f wavs and stories, and also would consume content that was more...focused on the women. Also there was this older girl who was openly lesbian in high school who I was attracted to, but she also would like corner me and bombard me with personal problems of hers and I remembered feeling like I was lying when I told her I was straight. My mom like read through my texts with her and freaked out at me and then I think that kind of made me go deeper into the closet and lie to myself. I'm much happier being honest with myself and allowing myself to feel attraction and to celebrate my sexuality.

[vawnie]

i’m bisexual. i think on some level i always knew, even in elementary when i didn’t really know much about attraction but said things like “i wish i was a boy so i could date her” or “if i was a boy i would be so nice to you, not like those other boys” lol. i knew for sure in 8th grade (i was about 13 years old) and i came out to close family at age 16

[Melody]

I literally realized last year at age 22… mainly years of burying and rationalizing my infrequent attraction towards women away. I’ve hooked up with girls before and still i somehow rationalized all that away 🤣 one time I hooked up with a girl and convinced myself that it was all a joke lol. 🤡 anyway, I am bisexual but I definitely prefer men in most contexts except the fetish. But every once in a while I’ll see a girl on the street or at a club or something and remember why I identify with the label. I think realizing bisexuality is a sliding scale really made everything click for me. That I could be into men most of the time and women some of the time. But that unequal preference doesn’t invalidate my experience as a bisexual person. The fetish also made me realize that I definitely have feelings towards women sometime. I don’t know must be all the female wavs I consume or something? 🤣🤣🤣