Getting a Partner to Embrace the Fetish?

[Starlight2337]

Seeking advice here. I'm in a serious relationship (in our early 30s, have been dating for a year and a half, planning for house/marriage/kids, etc.), and I want to bring the fetish into the more intimate part of the relationship. I'm at a stage of life and acceptance of the fetish such that I've determined that the fetish is a very important part of my sexuality and necessary for a long-term partner to embrace and indulge at least some of the time. I don't have access to the adult board, so Im posting here. Let's keep things PG so we keep the forum a safe place for all and so this doesn't get deleted! The beauty of innuendo...

I'm going to provide all possible background and detail below, because I believe nuance is important in these sorts of pursuits, but the TL;DR is: My partner knows about the fetish, I've kept it casual but have mentioned it a few times, he was a little shy about sneezing when we met (he's very reserved) and then loosened up when i told him to just let it out but has seemed a bit awkward since I started talking more about the horniness aspect. He had only ever had extremely vanilla experiences before meeting me and hasn't fully come into his primal self, but he has shown openness to less vanilla stuff and has even enjoyed some kinky (non-sneeze) things, so I am optimistic! want to find an organic, sexy way of asking him to indulge me so this can be a fun thing for both of us long term. Willing to play a long game to ease him into it. All advice welcome!!

Full background for you academics out there: 

The way I told him about the fetish (about 8 months ago) was he had a fit during a very intimate situation, and I brought up later how hot I thought it was, as in "I've always thought sneezing was hot and that someone sneezing while doing [xyz] would be super sexy, AND IT WAS". He thought it was kinda funny and we laughed about how it's weird and moved on. I didn't make a big deal out of an announcement or talk about the community or anything (absolutely no diss to anyone who takes that approach, which I have done before with success, that just isn't what I did in this particular situation). 

After that, I've commented stuff like, "you're turning me on" whenever he had a particularly sexy sneezing incident, but I am chill when it's just a one-off sneeze, because 1) I don't want to give him a complex or block, and 2) a random one-off rarely does it for me anyway. The first few times, he seemed confused and I had to elaborate a bit (cringe), but I'm not sure if he actually forgot or didn't understand or was just awkward and trying to play it cool? On a few occasions when he's been super sneezy (and SO inadvertently fetishy), I've been especially...enthusiastic and insatiable... but I haven't verbally made the connection for him between him sneezing and my enthusiasm. And he hasn't seemed to pick up on it, as he hasn't ever commented about it turning me on.

Lately, he's seemed a bit awkward about sneezing, and I worry he's developing a mental block or trying to avoid sneezing in front of me. He acts sort of the way I do when I'm around family and have to sneeze (walking quickly out of the room and sneezing as soon as he gets out of the door, seeming embarrassed, etc.). I hope this is just in my head. I've started actively avoiding ogling him or being too leery when it happens. Frankly, the fact that he knows that something so simple turns me on, and didn't immediately jump into it with pleasure, is disappointing. I mean, if he were to tell me he was really into feet or hiccuping or whatever, I would be chomping at the bit to accommodate that and turn him on. I recognize, though, that he hasn't grown up in as much of a sex-positive environment as I  have, and I'm willing to be patient and play the long game of bringing him into the world of kink. He hasn't had experience with non-vanilla desires and hasn't been taught to explore or express his own non-vanilla wants before, but he's been open to playing around with more "traditional" kink and has even enjoyed certain aspects of it that I didn't expect him to be into!

Bedroom personality wise, he's absolutely a sub rather than a dom, and that works for me, too, as I'm more dom. That said, I don't care what role I'm in as long as he's sneezing!  It's very important to me that he feels comfortable and secure while we explore together outside his comfort zone (and mine!). I'm thinking this is THE relationship (assuming he can get on board with these needs), so I am ready to play a long game and ease him into things in the most comfortable way possible! My dream would be an eventual dynamic of: him using chinkkni before and during private couple activities, letting me induce him/play with his nose, acting flirty when he sneezes (telling me he's about to, winking at me if he sneezes in public, maybe eventually sending recordings, just generally teasing me with it and playing along). Worth mentioning that I've got a caretaking element to my kink, too, and am thus a total cold whore. I'd love to get to a point where, when he is coming down with a cold or having a bad allergy day, he texts or mentions it to me, and we both know it is GAME ON for the next few days while I take care of him. To a point where, if he wants to get me in the mood, he pulls out the rolled-up tissue or the chinkkni and just goes for it. (as i said, I am prepared for a long game haha!)

SO, for those of you who chose to read the details, what should I do?? 

 

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

Have you considered just. Sitting down and talking to him? Like directly? Like saying, "hey i have a sneeze kink and i would like to include it into the bedroom, and i also want to make sure you're comfortable before anything else so let's chat about this"

 

[Zracken3]

What Q said, really -- communicate. You should be completely honest and open with him about your feelings. This is especially so if you think this is THE relationship. To be honest, I think if you've discussed things like a house, getting married, and having kids, then your kink is definitely something you should both be able to talk about. Especially if his willingness to indulge your unusual desires is important to you long-term; you need to know this before committing to things like a house, marriage, or children. You can maybe ease him into your more specific fantasies, but the bulk of it should be disclosed up-front. It would only be fair to him to know what you want from him going forward.

In short, just talk to him about it, bluntly. If you both care for each other, he should at least understand and want to fulfill your needs. It might take time for him to get used to it, but at least he'll finally have time to.

[ID2006]

I agree with the other two. Blunt openness is best. Because he is so shy about it you may want to write these things out (almost like you did here, except asking advice part obviously) and asking him to read it when he has a few minutes. Gives him time to collect his thoughts and not worry about how you are looking at him as he processes the information. It also gives him a chance to really think about if this is something he would be willing to consider. If you do write it out I also suggest adding that these aren't things you expect him to be comfortable with right away and you are fine easing into things at whatever pace he wants (assuming that is something you are okay with).

[Starlight2337]

Thanks, all! This advice is pretty much unanimous, so I can't really protest. I guess I was hoping I could make this happen in a more casual, fun, organic way, rather than have a serious talk about it, but I see your points. The advice you gave is probably what I would recommend to someone if they asked me how to involve their partner in a more traditional kink, e.g. BDSM, so it makes sense to follow that same advice for our kink as well, especially as I want him to feel comfortable. Now I just have to grit my teeth and speak up!

[Starlight2337]

Any tried and true scripts for expressing things while keeping it sexy and fun would be much appreciated!

[Roza]

Hello Starlight! I just wanted to comment on how maturely you seem to be willing to handle the situation with the partner you'd like to see a future with. I can totally sympathise with the disappointment on how he won't pick up and take advantage of the numerous clues of the fetish. I myself have thought countless times how I would be supportive of almost any sort of kink BUT this is of course largely because of the fact that I have a kink myself! So we cannot "blame" vanilla people for being too shy, indifferent or even disapproving of our fetishes... (I know you don't actually blame him btw, but you know what I mean). Unfortunately, I don't have any sort of "tried and true scripts" since I haven't told anyone but I understand you don't want to go too straightforward in case you might scare him away. However, since you value the sexual aspect so much for a life-long relationship, and well-done for doing so if you ask me, do make sure it's something that he can handle. I'm sorry I can't be of any further help, again I just wanted to congratulate you on the decision and determination to talk to him in whatever sort of way you finally decide to do so and wish you the best of luck  

[Likesn]

On 1/12/2021 at 9:46 PM, Starlight2337 said:

I mean, if he were to tell me he was really into feet or hiccuping or whatever, I would be chomping at the bit to accommodate that and turn him on.

I really wish I could find a partner with an attitude like that :)
Now, more to the point: I agree with pretty much everything others wrote here before. You should definitely talk to him. Like Zracken3 said, if you talked about more "serious" things like marriage and having kids, you should be able to talk about that as well. Since you're the one who introduced him to new things about sexuality and broadened his horizons on that matter, I believe that if you calmly talk to him about it he may very well be willing to indulge your fetish, at least to some extent. If you ask me - it would be best to talk to him about it as soon as possible, to avoid the risk of him getting uncomfortable about your fetish due to hints he's not capable to understand and deal with. Of course, you shouldn't rush things and take time to think about the best way to do it, but this is something worth considering.

[March Hare]

On 1/14/2021 at 3:31 PM, Starlight2337 said:

Any tried and true scripts for expressing things while keeping it sexy and fun would be much appreciated!

Keep the focus on your feelings for his sneezing, and what can be in it for him. Be that specific. In the moment, if possible. When he's being, as you put it, especially fetishy, try saying something like "[name], I swear, when you do THAT you get me so hot it makes me want to [something HE especially likes you to do]". Your kink is to his advantage - and you can make him see that.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[Starlight2337]

Thanks, March Hare, that's exactly what I was hoping for. Casual and personalized. Now I just have to wait for the right moment! Unfortunately, I'm discovering that he doesn't sneeze much naturally in winter unless he has a cold, which obviously isn't happening this year due to social distancing, so I may have to wait a bit, until allergy season rolls around. 😬

[snzmn2016]

Good luck, just remember he gets something out of it too with you more passionate during sex, so don't ask like you want a favor, just tell him how aroused he will get you.