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I still haven't told my husband


peach2218

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I've been with my husband for over 6 years. Married for almost 2. I still haven't told him about the fetish. I'm comfortable with him in all other aspects, but not this one. I still don't sneeze in front of him (just over the last few days I've gathered up the courage to induce while he was in the next room, or sleeping next to me). Sometimes I get curious about how he'd react or what might happen if I told him. Would he indulge me every once in a while? Would he start blessing/thanking (he's not into that)? Would he be totally turned off and think I'm super weird?

 

I keep seeing stories on the forum about members telling their partners before they're even exclusive, or just a few weeks/months into dating, and I feel like I'm doing something wrong by not telling my husband. I don't even know where I'd begin. "Hey, honey, I can't orgasm unless I'm thinking about sneezing. So how was your day at work?" 

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It's always very difficult to tell someone you care about. Especially if you don't know how that person will react. There are so many possibilities for reactions, you can take the news in many ways, positively, negatively or without showing anything, which is worse. I don't think there is anything unhealthy about keeping it a secret, but it would still be better for you to get to talk to him about it. So that you can live your life as a couple fully and serenely. ^_^

Have you ever talked to your husband about other "sensitive" subjects ? How does he usually take the news ? Is he open-minded ? How does he react when you sneeze in the next room ? These are important questions you should be asking yourself. Anyway, I wish you good luck, I keep my fingers crossed for you, I hope everything goes as well as you want it to. :thumbsup2:

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I don't think you're doing anything wrong! Plenty of people here choose not to tell their partners for a multitude of reasons. There's definitely a lot of anxiety that can hover around it -- how the news will be received, how that knowledge will impact the future, etc. It's your choice, and no matter the experiences of others here, you don't need to feel pressured or like you owe it to someone to share that secret. 

I will say that I think some of us snz fetishists believe non-fetishists will have the same powerful reaction as we do to all this. For some people, the fetish is a huge source of shame and the thought of telling people is unfathomable because of what the person might say. But for people outside of our community, 9/10 they're usually like, "oh, interesting. never heard of it." And that's it haha. 

Spoiler

For a personal and perhaps extreme example, I wrote a nonfiction essay about my fetish (how I feel about it, how it's part of me), submitted it to a contest, and had it published in my university's literary magazine for the whole school to see. Literally hundreds of people knew :lol: Nothing about my life changed. Nobody treated me differently. The ONE time I had somebody come up and be like "that's gross," I was like "cool" and just walked away lol. I don't even remember their name. I know that's different from telling somebody who's extremely close to you (like your spouse) -- but I feel like with a spouse or close friend, you have even more of a guarantee for them to accept the news gracefully and engage with you how you feel comfortable. ANYWAY, all that to say, that was my choice and there are a few people who might think I was reckless for doing it, but I felt good about it and don't regret it for a second. So, to wrap it all up -----

You're entitled to your choice here and as long as you feel good about it, that's what counts! :hug:

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44 minutes ago, oOMariusOo said:

Have you ever talked to your husband about other "sensitive" subjects ? How does he usually take the news ? Is he open-minded ? How does he react when you sneeze in the next room ? 

Sensitive subjects don't come up often. We got most of the hard stuff out of the way early, usually with me waiting until it got dark, hiding my face, and trying not to cry (clearly I'm not great with confrontation or awkward conversations). 🤣

He doesn't comment if I sneeze in the next room. He doesn't react to sneezing in general, honestly. Which kinda sucks because a good 75% of my fetish comes from blessing after a sneeze. 

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46 minutes ago, BlackScatter said:

 

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For a personal and perhaps extreme example, I wrote a nonfiction essay about my fetish (how I feel about it, how it's part of me), submitted it to a contest, and had it published in my university's literary magazine for the whole school to see. Literally hundreds of people knew :lol: 

 

I'm sorry, you what now? Do you have nuts the size of Texas? That's awesome that you literally don't give a damn, I would absolutely die of embarrassment. Good for you. 

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Only you know what’s best for your relationship. My own experience telling my wife did not go well. (She reacted as I thought she would)  We got through it and we’re still married after being together 30+ years, but I still regret that she knows. 

You will know if/when the time is right. 

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I've been married to my husband for 15yrs and I've never even considered telling him. I prefer to keep my dirty little secret to myself and I'm perfectly at peace with that. You do you! 😊

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12 hours ago, peach2218 said:

I keep seeing stories on the forum about members telling their partners before they're even exclusive, or just a few weeks/months into dating, and I feel like I'm doing something wrong by not telling my husband.

In your situation, I find it sad that you cannot expand more on the subject with your husband. At least to receive a blessing from him, especially if that is 75% of your fetish. In your situation, it doesn't seem like a simple want but much more a need. That said, you shouldn't focus on what you read here on the forum and what others are doing. You have your own life, it belongs to you and it is up to you to decide according to your own life, your own experiences and your surroundings.

For my part, I find that there is nothing wrong with keeping it a secret. As BlackScatter mentioned, "Plenty of people here choose not to tell their partners". Each person has their own entourage, their relatives and friends, each one reacts in a unique way, specific to himself. It's impossible to really know how everyone will react to the news. A person you don't know may say to you: "Yes, it's important, you have to talk to him about it!" But if it is, the impact of this discussion could turn your life upside down. It's always a real dilemma for everyone. :unsure:

What I can advise you eventually, if you really need to tell him and you can't. It would be trying to get close to him when you have a cold. For example, you have a bad cold, you spend the day sneezing, try to stay in the same room as him, and observe his reactions. Does he usually come by to take care of you? If you're watching a movie and you're sitting next to each other in your living room and sneezing 5 times in a row, maybe you'll get his attention. From there, you try to see if he hugs you more easily or if, on the contrary, he tries to avoid you. This way, you may already be able to see if your sneezes tend to disgust him, if he is neutral or if his love for you is above all that and it does not bother him. ^_^

Personally, I only told one person in my life, it was a friend. To my impression, she reacted a little too neutral, but she was just a friend, a confidante, we didn't feel love for each other. I think love can open a lot of closed doors. But again, it all depends on each individual. In any case, courage to you, I wish you all the best and all possible happiness in your life as a couple ! :razz:

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As SneezySara said, "You Do You". 

I would agree with that. If you are not comfortable with telling him (which seems to be the case) then don't. Yes you would be missing out on 75% of the fetish but that is the trade-off.

Personally, I would be afraid to tell anyone, whether a partner, friend or family, about the fetish because if they get mad or something and let the secret out, I would literally want to disappear and not face anyone again.

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In case my previous comment comes across as undermining your fetish. Let me explain. 

 

Right now you are struggling to break the news to your husband, and missing out on the fetish as a result.  But in future if your desire to have the fetish materialized becomes stronger, it could force you to take that leap of faith and tell him about it.

The reason I don't encourage you to gather the courage and tell him now, is because that is not something I would have done myself. For fear of it being used against me. 

 

I hope you understand. I wish you all the best. 

 

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9 hours ago, SneezySara said:

I've been married to my husband for 15yrs and I've never even considered telling him.

This is awesomely said and I have a deal very similar to this. I'm in a fully committed and totally honest relationship with my boyfriend, but there are areas of each of our lives that are private to us, and we both understand and accept that. There was a time when I felt that not telling him about the fetish was a failure of trust, but now I think it's just what works. It keeps sneeze horn spontaneous and "innocent" for me in a way I love.

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2 hours ago, sneezeboy said:

 But in future if your desire to have the fetish materialized becomes stronger, it could force you to take that leap of faith and tell him about it.

The reason I don't encourage you to gather the courage and tell him now, is because that is not something I would have done myself. For fear of it being used against me. 

 

Honestly, part of the reason I’m thinking about this so much is because I just recently came off of hormonal birth control after 3 years and I magically have a sex drive again 😅

 

I am worried about the secret getting out. Especially if he doesn’t fully understand how private it is and tells someone. 

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1 hour ago, peach2218 said:

Honestly, part of the reason I’m thinking about this so much is because I just recently came off of hormonal birth control after 3 years and I magically have a sex drive again 😅

 

I am worried about the secret getting out. Especially if he doesn’t fully understand how private it is and tells someone. 

 

I understand, it can be hard for us fetishists to balance this kink with regular intimacy with our partners. 

Yes there is always the risk of the secret getting out. That's why I have never told anyone and can't imagine ever telling anyone.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to you and everyone you ask could have different advice. I personally am on the cautious side.  

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3 hours ago, peach2218 said:

 I magically have a sex drive again 😅

Not to derail the thread but yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy for this!

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16 hours ago, SneezySara said:

 I prefer to keep my dirty little secret to myself and I'm perfectly at peace with that. You do you! 😊

^This :D I have never told a partner about my fetish, and never understood the burning urge that other people seem to have for telling theirs. I have always seen it as something I enjoy keeping secret. I suppose I have always worried about the reaction to letting a partner know, even if it was positive. 

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2 hours ago, NoV said:

. I suppose I have always worried about the reaction to letting a partner know, even if it was positive. 

This. What if it takes some of the fun away? But what if it makes everything 10x better? 

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On 7/3/2021 at 2:00 PM, NoV said:

^This :D I have never told a partner about my fetish, and never understood the burning urge that other people seem to have for telling theirs. I have always seen it as something I enjoy keeping secret. I suppose I have always worried about the reaction to letting a partner know, even if it was positive. 

Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way 😊

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On 7/5/2021 at 7:10 AM, SneezySara said:

Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way 😊

+1, I’m well aware this is not a common kink. I don’t expect everybody to understand, fear an adverse reaction and therefore am happy to enjoy in secret. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think it is very difficult to share this with husbands. I told my husband a little bit on the surface about my fetish and it took me approximately 8 years to do that. I’m not sure if I will talk about it more with him or not, even though he was completely supportive. I think it’s a very personal choice and any choice you make for yourself is the right one. 

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You could ask him to bless you more cuz you like feeling like he cares. That won't give you away. In my case I did tell my husband after about 2 years and it worked out for us. He used to stifle his sneezes but once I told him how I felt he started letting them out more. And doing inducing for me sometimes hehe.  

We're both private people so I know that he would never tell anyone about the fetish. And anyway I know about his tickle fetish so we're kind of even. 

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