"Everything You Do Is Weird" - RWBY, M/M

[blessez]

This is a fic I wrote in early 2020 (also posted to AO3, and the first sneezing fic in the RWBY tag at that). If you're going in fandom blind, you should know that James is a cyborg and Qrow can shapeshift into a bird. Apologies if the formatting is a little off.

 

Click, click, snap. James Ironwood slid shut the locks on his apartment door and sighed, the day's tension melting off his shoulders in waves. He let his eyes focus in his dark living room on the minimalist furniture that dotted the landscape. It was good to be home. He let his jacket slide off his shoulders and hung it on the coat hanger. He pulled his tie loose and began going through his evening routines. His first stop was the bathroom down the hall, to remove his contact lenses and brush his teeth before dinner. He filled his contact lens case with solution and got to work removing them, right eye and then left, and then he-- 

    A cough echoed through his apartment. James nearly jumped out of his skin. Who could that be? His hand found its way to his waist, Due Process on standby as always, and he inched his way toward the sound. 

     James entered his hallway and made his way back towards his bedroom, where he thought the sound had come from. He kept his back to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He quickly peered around the doorframe and took in the room. His large chest of drawers was off to one side, then there was his mirror on the far wall, a window with decadent, heavy curtains, Qrow Branwen in his bed huddled under his king sized plush duvet, his bedside table, wait...

     "Qrow? What are you doing here?" James quickly relaxed and made his way into the room to get a better look, saying, "I thought you had a mission tonight." He hadn't expected Qrow to be back for another week.

      Qrow coughed again. "I wanted to go," he said in an even rougher voice than usual, "but I can't. Solitas with a cold and my luck sounds like a death wish."

     James nodded, taking that in, and then he felt pins and needles in his stomach. He stuttered, "I um. I haven't seen you sick since Vacuo." What he meant was, I have been thinking about you sick in Vacuo for four and a half years. He shook his head. "Have you been there all day?"    

"Almost. Got up about an hour ago and turned on the shower, but I got pretty lightheaded so it was short. I've just been trying to sleep it off."

     "Have you eaten?" James tapped his foot.

     Qrow scratched his chin and then shook his head.

      James' eyes widened. He said, "Qrow... You need to eat."
Before Qrow could even respond, James said, "Stay there," and fled the room.

     James flipped the lightswitches on in his kitchen and rummaged through his cabinets for supplies. He knew just what to make. He got to work, cracking eggs, mixing flour and milk into a bowl, not thinking about Qrow's red face, starting up the griddle, ignoring how light Qrow's sinuses must feel after a hot shower, pouring out the batter, disregarding the fact that Qrow Branwen is sick in his bed and this is all he's ever wanted and he's so scared. His evening routines were all but forgotten as he flipped pancakes in a flushed daze. After a few minutes alternating between finishing pancakes and hyperventilating, he added a little bit of cinnamon and a little bit of honey to the stack, Qrow's favorite. He set five pancakes out on a tray and filled a glass with orange juice. Shoulders shook as he breathed deeply, trying to compose himself while he cleaned up. After several long seconds, he carried Qrow's food slowly back to his master bedroom.

      Qrow was still under James' heavy duvet. He was playing some sort of game on his scroll but his eyes flicked upwards when James entered the room. The circles under his eyes were darker than usual. He raised his eyebrows.

     "Breakfast in bed?"

     James merely nodded, not trusting his voice. He forced a smile.

     Qrow smirked. "I could get used to this. Maybe I should get sick more often."

     Please.

     James set the tray down in Qrow's lap and sat on the edge of his bed near Qrow's feet. He rubbed circles into the palm of his metal hand and stared at the floor. He figured he could just go the whole night, and possibly subsequent nights just not talking to his boyfriend. Yeah, that would work.

     "So, James? How was your day?"

    Ok, maybe it wouldn't work.

     James cleared his throat and stuttered before replying, "It was okay. Long. It felt like it took longer to get through today’s council meeting than it takes Oz to get to the point in a story.” Qrow snorted. James tried not to think about that, continuing to stare at the floor and saying, “I felt like nothing was going right at the academy today, but everything went smoothly with Winter helping me. Hmm. Oh yeah, you were right about Clover and Marrow, by the way."

     Qrow's face lit up. James felt his heart beat a little faster as Qrow spoke up, talking through a mouthful of pancakes. He said, "Yes! I knew it! How'd you figure it out? Were they sneaking off to go on dates? Flirting over their scrolls during training?"

     James chuckled, and said, "They told me. I have a lot of trust in my team, thank you."

     Qrow exhaled sharply through his nose at that, and James tensed when he heard how much effort it sounded like it took. His mouth felt dry and he realized he was rubbing more circles into his palm.

      "Uhh, James? You okay?"

     James forced out a weak mm and kicked his feet forward. His boyfriend didn't buy it.

      Qrow coughed twice and barked out, "Jim, look at me."

     He finally allowed himself to turn and take in Qrow's full appearance. He was lying shirtless and propped up on two soft pillows, discarded breakfast tray on the nightstand to one side and half empty tissue box to the other. His arms and head stayed above the blanket with the rest of his body curled up underneath. He was lit only by the warm light of a dim lamp to his left, making his dark circles appear darker and his red nose appear redder. He raised an arm to wipe his face as his eyes watered now and again. To anyone else, he would have been a picture of pure pity. To James, he was stunningly beautiful.
Damn, I've got it bad, James thought, it will be fine as long as he doesn't-- 

    Geh-hhuhh-ghtshcu! Qrow suddenly sneezed into his elbow. He wiped his face and locked eyes with James, eyelids drooping slightly like he was fighting to keep them open.      Fuck.

     "Seriously, what's wrong? You're worrying me here."

      James cleared his throat and opened his mouth, but no words came out. He did this three times in a row. Finally, he stammered out, "I'm just... worried about midterm exams for the students. They're coming up soon, you see, and, uh, I want to make sure they go... smoothly." His lips stretched into a fake smile and he tugged at his collar.

      "James Ironwood, you're a worse liar than you are a public speaker, and I once heard you say 'um' fourteen separate times in a single sentence on kingdom wide television."

     James' face felt like it was on fire. He looked away again and said, "I... can't tell you. You'll think it's weird. I don't want to scare you away."

     "I think everything you do is weird. I'm still here, aren't I?" Qrow let out a raspy laugh.

     James only stared at the floor. This was not how he wanted to spend his night.

      Qrow sat up straight and scooted forward in the bed. "Hey," he said quietly, reaching out to touch James' arm, "I really do want to know what's bothering you. I have a number of stories from my Beacon days onwards that are probably far weirder than whatever it is you have to say. You're the best thing that's happened in my sad life, so please tell me, what is--"

     Qrow was cut off by sudden hitched breaths. His eyes fluttered closed as he inhaled again and again. James clenched his teeth. Hyuhgttschuh! Qrow's head jerked forward as he sneezed into his elbow once more. James let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding.

      James, in the tiniest voice his body could produce, said, "I think it's hot when you sneeze." He buried his face in his hands, too nervous to take in Qrow's rejection. Qrow was silent for several moments. They felt like eons to James. Finally, he took a peek at Qrow through his fingers, face still red as a cherry.
Whatever emotion he expected, disgust, anger, fear... was not prevalent in Qrow's expression. Instead, Qrow's face showed a mixture of amusement and confusion. His upturned lips curved into a full smile. James just stared at him.

      "After all these years... and all the things you know I'm into... you thought I'd leave you for that?" Qrow's ribcage shook as he let out a hearty, albeit raspy, laugh. He pressed his forehead into the side of James' arm. "You're my favorite."

     James took a deep breath and felt his muscles relax. He pressed his hand to his forehead, as if that would melt all of his swirling thoughts away. Qrow laughed again softly, not moving from his spot resting against James. The pair stayed like that for a while, processing everything that just happened.

      The peace couldn't last forever though, and soon Qrow's breath was hitching once again. James couldn't help but look over this time as Qrow's nostrils flared. Huh-huhh-huhh-eeutschuh! He gave an exaggerated swipe at his nose, looked up at James, and winked. That look on him was lethal.

     "Can I kiss you?" James' chest expanded steadily as he breathed deeply and slowly gained back his confidence.

      "You might catch my cold," Qrow started, but James cut him off.

      "Don't care."

     Qrow chuckled and nodded then. With little hesitation, James turned and cupped Qrow's face with his flesh hand, and his metal hand traveled to his hip for support. He felt the rough edge of the man's signature five o'clock shadow under his fingertips as he closed his eyes and went in for a kiss. It was something they had done a hundred thousand times and James wanted to do it a hundred thousand times more. Lips pressed together and eyes weighed shut, things were definitely back to normal.      Without breaking apart, James shifted his weight and he lifted his legs so that he was on his knees and fully sitting on the bed, his weight shifting over to Qrow. His metal hand found its way into soft locks as his tongue slipped past Qrow's lips. He pressed forward, but Qrow suddenly broke things off.

      Covering his mouth, Qrow began inhaling sharply once more. James sat slack-jawed as Qrow's nostrils flared rapidly. He sneezed again, Yeh-gstchiew! And again, Gxtsch-ee! And once more, Heh-schuu! Qrow's fit continued and he threw his head forward as he sneezed one, two, three more times. James heard his spine pop with the effort and he reached around, rubbing small circles on Qrow's back. When he finally stopped, he sighed as he tried to catch his breath. Blue eyes met watering red ones and Qrow gave a smirk and a wink. "Hope you liked the show.

     James had no words. Instead of responding, he pushed Qrow back into the bed so his head was once again atop the soft down pillows. Now straddling him, he cupped his cheek again and surged forward for another kiss. If his eyes were open, he was sure his vision would have been blurry as he greedily pressed his lips all over Qrow. He hadn't realized how much he'd needed this.

      "James?" Qrow breathed in between kisses.

      He pulled back. "What is it? Everything alright?"

     "I'm perfect, just... You know, you're dating a guy with an infinite supply of feathers, right?"

     James stared at him for a moment, processing what he had just heard. He let out a deep breath, his expression went soft, and he said, "I love you so much."

     Qrow laughed, still half-lidded and gorgeous as ever. "I love you too, you big idiot."

[funbusej]

Not familiar with the fandom, but I really don't need to be to get into the characters as you have written them.  Their dynamic is so cuuuute!

[starpollen]

👆 Same!  Very cute. ☺️

[Lady Blessington]

This is the sweetest!