How have you accepted your fetish over the years?

[Melody]

Hi guys

So i've made a few posts similar to this one. I don't feel like it needs to be in off topic or in the support group but if a mod feels inclined to move it, please do. 

So long story short, I've always had major problems accepting this fetish as a part of my sexuality. I don't repress it per say, but I do have a lot of internalized resentment and disgust with myself that I have this fetish. I do enjoy this community and I consume a lot fetish material but there is always this underlying feeling of guilt/shame since it is "abnormal."This has really become an issue for me since dating someone long term without the fetish. Part of me wishes I was normal and was just a vanilla so I wouldn't feel like something is always missing from my intimate life. But another part of me knows that I just need to accept this part of my sexuality whether or not I ever include it in my relationship.

If I could take this fetish away with a snap of my fingers, I would. 

I realize that this is just the internet, I am not asking anyone to fix my problems or issues lol. I'm also quite aware exploring this issue with a therapist would be extremely beneficial but I've never been able to bring this up to a therapist. Maybe one day, but definitely not any time soon. 

Anyway, I certainly don't want any of y'all to be my therapist lol, but I was wondering if any of you have ever had similar feelings or have struggled to accept the fetish and how you have personally come to accept it/be in a better place with it? 

I'm just starting a conversation here, I know I'm not the only one whose felt this way and I am sure it can be a stimulating and helpful discussion for many members/lurkers here. 

[Roza]

Hello, Melody!

To get this out of the way, I'm unfortunately not posting to provide you with a solution, but rather to express my sympathy and how I can relate to you. I have also struggled with feelings of shame and regret (as if it were our choice!) regarding having the fetish. I also keep it private and not indulge in real life, but consume content online. 

The thought that keeps ME going, is of how many people are in the same boat with us. And I do not just mean the fellow members of our community. But if you come to think of how many fetishes, kinks, paraphilias, etc there are out there... and think of how many "subcribers" each one has... then you'll see that, I don't exactly know statistically, but LOTS and LOTS of people struggle with the same thoughts as you and I. It's part of the human experience, like saying you're sad because your dog died and you feel like you can't get over it. Not everyone has to experience it, but lots of people do! Just think of how many people have been in the same place as you. (By the way, I know this is not the best example, as it concerns an event rather than a lifelong... situation, but I hope that you can see my point.) It's NORMAL. I know you say the fetish is "abnormal", and I generally feel that too, but then again, who knows the exact percentage of ACTUALLY vanilla people..? I think it's generally safe to agree that we can't set the absolute standards of normal, not in 2022. 

I think that if we are blessed enough to one day share the fetish AND have a positive answer/feedback, this shall help us further in accepting it ourselves. But until then, this is my personal coping mechanism   And they say that accepting yourself needs to come first!

 

PS: Oh, and if you can have a good sex life, even without explicitly including this fetish, this also helps a lot

[Mal]

Ugh yes... this definitely resonates and I have a few thoughts to add onto what Roza said.

It helps me to remember that human sexuality is so complex and often defies "logic"/ goes outside of the bounds of mere reproductive activities. Even a lot of the things that would be considered "vanilla" go outside of those bounds and it's just that as a society we have normalized certain desires and decided they're part of "healthy, normal" sexuality, but really there’s no such thing and as long as all parties are enthusiastically consenting adults, if it brings pleasure, who cares what you’re doing! A lot of people are definitely missing out on things they might enjoy because they’re clinging too tightly to the limited stuff that is acceptable in a mainstream way.

Anyway, with that said I am also in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t have the fetish. He knows about it, but him indulging me is not really something I’m even that interested in (at least for the time being). Something that I’ve really come to terms with in the last few years is the extent to which this fetish is so personal and private to me. I spent so many years being terrified that I’d take this secret to my grave and that I would never have a fulfilling sex life because this huge part of my sexuality has been hush hush. Now I’ve come to a place where a few people in my life do know about it, but I actually enjoy keeping it as a private thing and that privacy doesn’t have to  just be a product of shame. It’s made me realize how fulfilling it is for me to have my own sexual life/ rituals that don’t actually have to involve other people (at least physically).

And finally, I don’t know a lot of vanilla people who are so reliably turned on by anything the way that I am by sneezes, so I’ve started framing the fetish as a sexual superpower. It’s like a bolt of lightning that I can summon on command. And again, if it’s brining pleasure and not harming anyone then it’s already accomplishing a lot more than many “normal” sexual experiences do!

[Arvani]

I have a lot of thoughts and not enough time but oh my god @Mal “sexual superpower” is PERFECT!!! I love it and I’m stealing it as how I frame it for myself. Amazing!

[Mal]

8 minutes ago, Heathercd said:

I have a lot of thoughts and not enough time but oh my god @Mal “sexual superpower” is PERFECT!!! I love it and I’m stealing it as how I frame it for myself. Amazing!

heheheh I'm so glad!! It is a superpower and we should treat it as such  

[Bless you, Hi]

How have you accepted the fetish?

Me: "With open arms."

[Motgen]

Thank you for bringing the topic up @Melody!

For most of my life I've treated this as entirely parallel to the rest of my sexuality - because, outside of this, I think my sexuality is decidedly vanilla. I'd be attracted to people for all kinds of non-sneeze reasons, but sexual fantasies would 99% revolve around sneezing. Yet for the longest time I've implicitly/explicitly thought that this fetish does get in the way of "regular" sexual relationships, and would resent it for that reason.

Specifically, whenever I would judge myself for not "performing" or for not being "sufficiently turned on" by something I think I ought to be turned on by, I would blame the fetish. I would think that if only I didn't have this, I would be able to engage with people "normally". I've told every consistent sexual romantic/sexual partner about it - first time was the scariest moment of my life, increasingly easier every time afterwards - and the reception has ranged from warm/supportive to neutral, so nothing traumatic. But up until recently, I still saw it as sexually limiting, and like you said I would have removed it if given the opportunity.

What changed recently was the way I see sex, which happened from having open conversations about it with many friends and former romantic partners. Though we on this forum see ourselves as far from the sexual norm, and while that may be objectively true in some sense, literally everyone I talked to (20+ people) of all genders felt this way! They all had sexual insecurities and hangups, had some part of themselves that they were scared would be judged if revealed during intimacy, and questioned whether they were being turned on correctly, or by the right things.

None of this is to say that either the logistical difficulties of our fetish, or the fear of being judged for difference, aren't real/valid. They are. It's just to say that being insecure about the validity or compatibility of our sexuality is so common as to be pedestrian. Part of my educational background is in ergonomics, in which one of the core concepts is that the average person doesn't exist. If that's true for shoulder and thig-to-shin ratios, imagine how true it is for something as plastic and varied as human sexuality!

I'm still growing into and exploring this aspect of myself - joining this forum in earnest is a part of that - but I can safely say I'd no longer have the fetish removed. Realizing just how in need of acceptance everyone is, how far open and warm communication goes in the bedroom, has definitely dampened the fear I've had of incompatibility/of falling in love with someone and having it not work out because of this fetish. I fully trust that it's going to be far, far more important to any partner that I am accepting/indulgent of their particularities than that mine align with their definition of normal. This has given me so much freedom to explore both what outside of this fetish might turn me on, but also to dig into sneezing and accept it as part of myself without feeling like I'm somehow undermining my chances for intimacy.

Self-acceptance is a long ass journey, but you really do have your whole life to play with it

[Arvani]

OK now I have half a second to compose something because this is really interesting to me. 

So I just turned 40 this past year, and I have to say that being in my later 30s was AWESOME and hitting 40 didn't phase me in the least. With age comes experience, wisdom, and the amazing AMAZING ability to stop giving so many fucks. Seriously, it's the BEST. I also have undergone some serious hormonal fluctuation in the past year or so as I went off of birth control for the first time in decades (husband had a vasectomy). With this hormone fluctuation, I have had a lot of changes in my sex drive (read: it amped up BIG TIME). 

There is an actual point to this oversharing, I promise.

There have been a lot of changes in my sex life due to this. A lot more experimentation, openness to new things, etc. Things I never would have thought would actually be incorporated are now regular for us. This has allowed for my decidedly non-vanilla side to come to the forefront which has been amazingly liberating. (Not talking sneeze fetish, but other interests outside of it)

Within all of that, I also have retained a definite space just for myself and my own private expressions of my sexuality. My husband is aware of this, and has no issues with it. I kind of see the fetish fitting in here. It's something I retain just for me, and I'm totally OK with that. I almost feel like it keeps its appeal because it is something I keep only for myself. 

I say this simply because there was a point where I avoided it, and almost tried to tamp it down in a way. Luckily for me, there are many other aspects of my sexuality that kept things at a good place. But I almost think of age 39 as my year of sexual self-discovery. There were probably other years that lead to that point, but it was a big milestone in that I accepted there were things about me that were non-vanilla and I actively explored them. So I decided to just gather up everything that makes me the freaky individual that I am, accept it, and allow myself to explore it without feeling shame or fear. It just so happens that this fetish remained solidly in the category of what I kept for myself.

I think ultimately, though, there are as many sexual preferences as there are human beings on earth. And also, I firmly believe that your sexuality and how you express it changes over time. Your world view gets bigger as you get older, you discover new things that you want to incorporate. Your body and hormonal state fluctuates with time and that can change things a lot. As someone who grew up in a very sexually repressed environment ("No sex until marriage" was basically my mother's battle cry), it took a long while for me to figure out what exactly I like and don't like. And actually, I think that having the fetish allowed me to be a bit more open in general. I figured - I have this aspect of me and I know it's fairly 'atypical', so I wonder what else about me is also that way.

Super cool topic! Thanks for putting it out there. 

[haymaker]

Have I accepted the fetish? Well, like most of you, I've had to!  This thing is in total possession of my sexuality and its been that way before I knew what sexuality was. Living as a sneeze fetishist can be a tough gig. Some make light of it, but really, I think it's a tricky thing to deal with for most of us. 

However, It's possible to find a formula that works and there are several ways to go, some of which have been detailed in the excellent posts above.                           I've chosen to keep it a total secret and by and large i'm happy with that decision, but I'm sure that wouldn't work for everyone.

All I can do is wish you all the very best of luck and may you find a way that works for you.  

 

, 

Edited January 25, 2022 by haymaker

[ticklywombat]

I still really struggle, to be honest. I feel like a weirdo even here, and I have a lot of shame over sexual stuff, especially when it’s… niche, is probably the best word… which most of the things that do it for me are.

Weirdly posting a story of my own has helped a little, it’s nice to see at least a few people getting some enjoyment out stuff that really hits the spot for me. (I was half-expecting crickets, even though I know my writing is decent, because I wasn’t sure my particular Things would land with anyone else.)

Anyway I’m hoping more time and participation here will continue to help! Airing out the shame.