Seeking advice

[Jessica]

As the title says, I'm asking for advice on a topic that has bothered me constantly for the last three years.

Simply put, I don't have friends!

When I was in high school, I had about 10 close friends. After we graduated, they all suddenly became "very busy" even on vacation and despite living in the same city as me. I made strong efforts to try to stay in contact with them, but they rudely rejected me in various ways, that mostly involving lying about them leaving the country to study abroad which was very awkward when I ran into them multiple times on the street. I still occasionally talk to two of them, and very rarely to one of them. I don't try to contact them more often because when I initiate contact more than "my allowance" I get very rudely shut down. This experience has been very traumatic to me and it took me about two years to get over the trauma of suddenly losing all my friends and starting uni at the same time.

I started uni with severe trust issues concerning making friends and I still have these trust issues. Let me explain why. I'm the top student of my class, so my colleagues mostly spend time with me so that my "intelligence will rub off on them". I'm not being arrogant, several of them have actually told me that to my face and I really hate it. "We don't really like spending time with you. Your personality is meh, you're too nerdy, you have no fun and you spend your entire time studying. We spend time with you so that we can learn how to be smart and we hope that your intelligence will rub off on us one day". That is what I was literally told and it humiliated me to the core. This is the reason why all of my "friends" are people who barely pass their modules. Those "friends" ignore all of my texts and calls once the semester ends.

So, please, if anyone can offer me genuine, practical advice on how to make real friends, please do. I try to make friends by participating in student activities at my uni over the summer, but nobody really seems to be interested in being friends with me. I really try to be very nice and polite because that's how I was raised. People appreciate that kind of behaviour, but not enough to agree to become my friends.

[internalsun]

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, unfortunately people can be cruel and Uni can be quite isolating.

I would suggest trying to find people with like minded interests, any social clubs or hobby that you have could be a good place to meet people. I made friends with people playing video games too.

 

[Mr Sneezy]

" Friends" like that are not your friends at all.

Time to ghost them and move on.

[Just Older]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I've lived it. It's not fun. My good friends - I had 6 and we were together constantly - the entirety of high school all banded together in the last few months before graduation and all picked fights with me making me the bad guy and none of them have spoken to me in 20+ years, despite some effort on my part.

I wish I had advice for you. I'd like some myself! 😔

[EveP]

I've lived through the same thing - people teaming up with me for projects because they would get good grades, not because they wanted to spend time with me. I'm still a big nerd, and a major introvert, but now I have friends that share my hobbies/interests and I've learned to trust again. I have the same advice as Internalsun, try to find clubs/societies at your university, or where you live, where you could meet likeminded people.  

[Overton]

imo the best friends are found when in genuine pursuit of your interests. Crossing paths with someone who's doing the same magically increases, and while the pursuit is genuine, you're less likely to be lonely in the process. Sorry the advice is so generic but I can't find fault in it, and I hope to take it myself.

Somehow, you doing you in earnest has a magnetic effect on others doing the same. I don't mean to down-play the pain of loneliness... conversely, existing in indulgent loneliness attracts others in a similar state I think. All the best to you.

[Hyacinth]

I agree with the other comments saying you should look for clubs/activities to get involved with so you can meet like-minded people.

In my own experience, keeping friends after graduation/moving/new jobs/etc. is extremely difficult. I settle for talking maybe once or twice a year. Of the people I graduated high school with, I'm only still friends with one - and that is likely because she and I moved to the same city. Of my college friends, I rarely talk to any. A lot of the friends I made seem to have only been so because we were in the same situations. 

Not sure if Bumble BFF is a thing where you're from, but in the larger American cities, people make friends using the app. It is a little weird at first, but its a great way to meet people that you wouldn't have encountered in your day-to-day. I'd recommend setting up a few meet-ups with multiple people (please be safe though!). That way you don't feel too much pressure about any one meet up and you can relax and make genuine connections. 

Good luck!!