Anyone else have an SO who doesn’t care take?

[Juliana]

I’ve been with my fiancée for 7 years and I’ve always had allergies throughout. At the very beginning of our relationship, he would bless me and even go and buy me nasal sprays and antihistamines. After the 6 month mark, all of that dropped off.

The other day I had a really bad allergy attack; my eyes were so swollen and puffy, I couldn’t stop sneezing and my throat was so itchy. I was very clearly extremely miserable but he didn’t even notice. Not once did he ask me if I was ok or if there was anything he could do… didn’t even get one bless you. 

I don’t know whether he’s just gotten used to the sound of me sneezing and tuned it out, but I’m not sure because he hates the noise I make when I try and itch my throat. 

I don’t know… it just makes me feel a bit sad because I obviously do suffer and sometimes all I want is a bit of love and support with it, even if it’s just getting blessed. I’m not expecting him to move mountains or go above and beyond or anything.

I suppose the added layer to this is my fetish… and that side of my allergies isn’t being fulfilled either. I almost wouldn’t mind having such terrible hayfever if it meant getting fussed over by him? He doesn’t know about my fetish… and I don’t think I’ll ever tell him.

Thanks for letting me vent! Anyone have any experience with this?

[solitaire-au]

I’m sorry to hear this. It must be hard for you, but don’t give up hope.

I think what’s happened is that the first 12 months of a relationship is sometimes referred to as the “honeymoon” phase where people try really hard to be on their best behaviour to make a good impression.

After that, people start to relax around their partner, stop trying to be perfect and gradually reveal their true feelings.

I think that’s what’s happened here. He started off being really supportive, and now he’s trying to ignore your allergies altogether. The question is why, and how are you going to proceed.

There are a couple of angles to take this.
You could try to subtly mention your allergies with an offhand comment while they are in effect to gauge his reaction. 

Or you could ask him if your hayfever bothers him, and if you feel up to it, talk to him about how he used to be helpful, but his behaviour has changed. Be careful if you go down this route because he may well get angry or defensive.

The second is more non-confrontational: focus on how you feel and tell him something like, “my allergies were really bad the other day and I felt like I needed your comfort and support, but my needs weren’t being met.” Like the cliche says “use I statements” so he hears how **you** feel, instead of what he’s doing wrong.

And while I don’t think it’s likely he has the fetish, it’s common for those of us who do to feel fear or shame when we sneeze or those around us sneeze and we freeze up out of the irrational fear of being found out. Lots of us can’t even bring ourselves to talk about sneezing with anyone, even casually.

On a different note, I’ve heard of a psychological condition called misophonia (sp?) where people hate certain sounds like chewing, clicking, slurping, noisy breathing etc and it either gets on their nerves, or in extreme cases causes them to feel inexplicable anger or rage. I don’t know if this is the case for him. I’m just throwing out suggestions here.

Since he’s your fiancée, you clearly are committed to him and this is an important issue, not just because of the fetish, but because it’s a larger indication of him not being supportive of you when you clearly need him to be.

Whatever you do, DON’T tell him about your fetish. I’m not saying never tell him, just not now. That information should only be shared with someone when your relationship is strong and in a good place.

As for self care, in the mean time, take it easy and get the meds you need yourself. I put a recurring reminder in my phone’s calendar for every 3 weeks to buy whatever I’m running low on. And histamine’s primary mechanism of action is to dilate blood vessels, so putting an ice pack or packet of frozen peas etc on your eyes and nose for as long as you can stand it can help to reverse the blood vessel dilation and help with the itching and burning.

Good luck and please let us know how you go! I hope this was helpful.

[Melody]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way Juliana. Your feelings of disappointment in your fiancee are totally valid. It's completely normal and natural to want your partner to take care of you. To me, it seems obvious to comfort and try and help someone if they are suffering that obviously, especially if it's someone I love, but to others it may not be so obvious and instinctual. I can't personally relate to your situation. I hate being taken care of, but my boyfriend takes care of me against my will, lovingly every time without fail. I am grateful and love him for it deep down. I think everyone deserves someone like this in their life, especially from a significant other.

Even though I can't really relate and am totally just an internet stranger I am going to chime in with my thoughts. I find relationship behaviour very interesting.

4 hours ago, Juliana said:

After the 6 month mark, all of that dropped off.

I think a lot of people, grow comfortable and complacent in relationships, especially after the "honeymoon" phase has ended. Peoples flawed, "true" colours come out, they are no longer on their best behaviour. It's normal and human. To me, based off what you are describing, it sounds like a need of yours is not being met. To not feel loved and supported when you are suffering and need help or even a little "fussed over" feels like a big one to me. I am not sure what he's like in more serious situations, but to me, the vibe remains the same, no matter the situation, if you are oblivious to your loved one when they are obviously suffering, well something is not right. For example, I have severe chronic pain that can last for months on end. My boyfriend is not perfect, far from it, but pain is a normal and routine part of my life and our life together. But he still checks in on me almost every day and will pretty much do anything to help if the pain is really bad. So your allergies being "normal" for you is not an excuse in my eyes. 

To me, being with someone who is assertive, makes decisions, supports me and cares for me is very important. I am able to relax, emotionally, intellectually, and energetically. To put it in other words, I feel safe. Safety and support is important in a relationship because it brings us right back to our primal needs, it is deeply biological and innate to us as humans. Not feeling supported by a partner keeps people *not saying this is you but in general* hyper independent, their guard will always be up. This is especially important to me as a cis woman. I want to sit back in the drivers seat and let my more masculine partner (not necessarily a man but someone with masculine energy) drive the fucking bus. This is just in my nature as a feminine person. I want to flow and be supported by a strong, supportive foundation.

I don't know you or your relationship. I don't know if this is a surface level thing you feel about being "fussed over" or maybe it points to a deeper problem in his behaviour. Ask yourself, do I feel supported by him in other ways? Do I feel safe with him? Do I feel like I can go to him when I need help especially outside of horrible allergy attacks? Can I live with him never batting an eyelash every time I have a severe allergy attack for the rest of my life? Do I trust him? Often times small things, point to deeper issues. And sometimes they don't.

But I'm sure answering these questions will probably tell you if it's a deeper issue.

I'm not sure how much you want to dive into this but one way you could approach the topic without ever mentioning the fetish is inviting him to do something different. You could say something along the lines of, "hey babe, it makes me feel really loved when you do ___________ *(say something personal to you and your relationship that he does well)* something else that makes me feel really loved is when you check in on me and help me with things when I need it *maybe use an example of something he's done in the past*... maybe that's something we can do more for each other in our relationship?"  You don't even need to bring up allergies if you don't want to. But if you do you could say "when I am having a really bad allergy attack it would make me feel really great and less horrible if you could check on me?"

Anyway, again, I'm not trying to insinuate, I'm just passing along some things that helped me in my relationship. In my experience smaller things, are always a tip of a deeper iceberg. 

Good luck ❤️ Sending you all the love and good vibes on your terrible allergy days. Take care of yourself! And here's hoping he'll take care of you too ❤️ 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Melody

[kiku]

@Juliana I'm sorry to hear that, dear. I imagine it must be a very difficult situation for you.
I think @solitaire-au has mentioned some very good points, and I'd like to add my 2 cents to their post above:

Quote:“my allergies were really bad the other day and I felt like I needed your comfort and support, but my needs weren’t being met.” Like the cliche says “use I statements” so he hears how **you** feel, instead of what he’s doing wrong.

I absolutely agree with you here, @solitaire-au , except for one thing I (if I was in that situation) would put differently: Instead of "But my needs weren't being met" I would put a positive statement expressing what it is you need. For example: "When my allergies are bad like on that day and I suffer, it would be a really great help if you (...)" or "Would you mind doing (...)". So, instead of concentrating on the negative part (what is not there) you would be concentrating on the positive part (what can be done to get what you need).
I know it's not easy!  ❤️ I had to learn that lesson too - sometimes people who love us and care for us just don't "see" what we need and need a little help from us. 😏
I wish you lots of good luck!
Take good care of yourself, and bless you!

[kiku]

Sorry, I can't edit my posts yet so I have to add another one (sometimes I hit "submit reply" too quickly) :
When I suggested you tell him what you need, I was talking only about your suffering from the hayfever symptoms, not the fetish. If or when you ever tell him about the fetish is a totally different thing, I believe - it might be wise not to mention it at this point.
But of course, the only person who can decide this is you.  I'm just offering my thoughts. ❤️

[SleepingPhlox]

Some very good advice has been given here.  I think the main thing to know is that communication is key.  I mean, maybe he's being a jerk, or maybe just kinda clueless, or maybe even he means well but he's misinterpreting the situation.  Like, I know myself personally, I like to be left to my own devices unless I specifically ask for help, and I end up projecting that onto others.  Like being fussed over over minor things drives me crazy so to me I'm showing other people the same consideration I'd want, and giving them space (unless they specifically ask for help, and then I'm all about the helping!)...and I think a lot of people do the same thing.  They naturally do to other people what they'd prefer for themselves.  It could be something as innocuous as him assuming this is the right thing to do and what you'd want, and if you don't tell him otherwise, he has no way of knowing.

So the best way to solve this is to communicate your needs and wishes.  Now, if he chooses to disregard everything after that, well that's a whole different kettle of fish!  But things could go as easily as "Gosh, honey, I had no idea you were feeling this way! I'll try to do better in the future."

[Melody]

9 minutes ago, SleepingPhlox said:

Like, I know myself personally, I like to be left to my own devices unless I specifically ask for help, and I end up projecting that onto others.  Like being fussed over over minor things drives me crazy so to me I'm showing other people the same consideration I'd want, and giving them space (unless they specifically ask for help, and then I'm all about the helping!)...and I think a lot of people do the same thing.  They naturally do to other people what they'd prefer for themselves.  It could be something as innocuous as him assuming this is the right thing to do and what you'd want, and if you don't tell him otherwise, he has no way of knowing.

excellent advice!! so true that people to do others what they want for themselves unless they consciously know different or intuitively pick up on it, 

[sneezeguy468]

It's gotta be tough living your life with the fetish very present in your every day but also completely hidden from everyone. I know most of us can relate to the hiding part. Hopefully he's just grown so accustomed to your allergies that he doesn't remark on them. But it is weird he doesn't like when you try to itch your throat cuz I'm assuming he knew about your allergies since day 1? And yeah even people who don't give allergies a second thought should at least be cognizant of someone suffering a lot? i dont know. 

As for telling him or not, I've gone back and forth with what I would do in my own life. I would hope my future SO would be understanding and I would feel comfortable enough to tell her. If she also shared the fetish then of course that would be awesome and if she was sneezy I would certainly be more inclined to haha. But also, like it's suuuuuuch a deep dark secret for me that I don't know if I could tell anyone. 

[RedVelvetHeart]

Lots of great comments but I wanted to chime in with I'm so sorry!! You should get all the blessings and attention you need! That said, my instinct is his behavior is just cluelessness.  I am a huge advocate of communicating wants and needs, although I know it can be challenging with something emotionally charged like this. Here's my own little spin on that sentence:

“my allergies were really bad the other day and I realized I felt a little sad that you didn't acknowledge it or say anything. I don't need a whole lot, just noticing when I'm not feeling well and asking if there's anything you could do would make me feel so much better. ” 

I added the "felt a little sad" part because I think it's important to acknowledge vulnerability and  "this thing would make me feel so much better" as a positive message of what he can do to acheive what he presumably wants - your happiness!

[solitaire-au]

Kiku, Melody and superimmunegirl have given much better phrasings for how to talk to him about your feelings than I have! (Cheers, everyone!)

Hang in there, Juliana!