The Keep on the Borderlands

[SmokeyGhost]

If the thread title means anything to you you know I'm a Dungeons and Dragons geek from way back. Ever since I saw the other D&D thread I had this idea kicking around in my head so I figured I'd get it started. Not to take anything away from that one, I think it's really good. I just wanted to take it in a different direction. I hope you like it.

The Keep on the Borderlands

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Morgan gripped her sword tightly and crouched low as she crept slowly along the rock face and inched her way toward the cave entrance. If there were goblins inside she hoped the blazing sun would blind them to her approach. Cautiously she edged forward and peered into the darkness as a cool draft from the entrance gently rustled her long blonde hair. Instinctively she reached for her nose.

"Seriously? Just for a cool draft?" The die clattered across the table. "Eight. But come on, she's still outside!"

"Okay, easy difficulty class. She makes it, but not by much."

Morgan rubbed the momentary tickle away, sniffed slightly, and placed a tendril of stray hair behind her ear. She hated how dank and cold caves could be, but the townsfolk had no one else to turn to, she had no intention of turning back now. She listened carefully for any sound that would indicate the presence of a sentry. Hearing nothing, she darted quickly inside and pressed herself hard against the wall waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness.

“Roll again.”

"Oh, come ON. It can't be THAT cold in there."

"The sudden temperature change is a shock to her system. Roll. Normal difficulty."

The dice clattered across the table. "Twelve. Damn."

Morgan inhaled sharply.

"Can she at least do it quietly?"

"Okay, roll strength."

"Sixteen."

Morgan quickly pinched her nose between her fingertips. Her shoulders squeezed forward and her head dipped to her chest as she turned slightly to the side. "<et-chuh!>"

The dice clattered again. “Nine.”

Morgan’s shoulders squeezed forward again. “<et-chuh!>”

“Six. Oh, come on!”

She lurched forward a bit more abruptly. “<et-CHUH!>”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Hey, you were the one who wanted to skimp on constitution so you could put all those extra points into charisma.”

Morgan’s remarkably large chest heaved against her chain mail bikini top as she fought to regain her breath without making too much noise. It was one of the rare times she was glad it wasn't the full armored shirt. It was completely impractical as protection, she had no idea what had possessed her to buy it, but at least it made it easier to breathe at times like this.

“I still think this is a bit much.”

“Look, it SAYS a character with low constitution catches a cold in the slightest breeze.”

“I think you’re interpreting that a bit literally.”

“Roll."

Morgan gripped her nose between her fingers again, grateful at least that she had learned to sneeze quietly. “<et-chuh!> <et… et-chuh!> <et-CHUH!>” She panted and blinked her eyes furiously. "<et-CHUH!>" After a moment, she allowed herself to lower her hand and glanced around cautiously, waiting to be sure the fit had passed.

“Finally!”

She sniffled deeply and panted, breathing through her mouth and saying a silent prayer of thanks there were no entry guards. The cave continued into darkness ahead, and she detected the distant sound of running water…

[JaeChaeGi]

Yup. The title of the old B2 module grabbed my attention right away!

Your story reminded me of the old AD&D rules which had all sorts of funky stuff in it we never used in play.

Personally, as a DM, I would've rewarded the player for prioritizing CHA over CON. No one ever put CHA over CON before 4e came along.

I would, however, punish the player for the chainmail bikini. Those things should have stayed behind in the 70s along with bell-bottoms.

Real warriors wear real (non-gendered) armor.

Thanks for the fun scenario. It's not easy writing a convincing tabletop account, and you did a bang-up job! Well done!

[SmokeyGhost]

I was wondering if anyone here would be old enough to remember I'm actually thinking back to some one on one games I used to play with an ex-girlfriend of mine. This is kind of the way I wanted them to go, but I never had the courage to ask. Looking back, she probably would have gone along with it.

Yeah, chainmail bikini is a little extreme. For the character I was imagining good ol' Morgan Ironwolf from the original red box set:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lpL870wV2A4/Ra1JUC1EncI/AAAAAAAAASM/GoHWxajBeiE/s400/morganironwolf.jpg

I wasn't quite sure how to describe that.

[JaeChaeGi]

Not to be too harsh on the old D&D art (because I know it was a different time) but YE GODS! That looks like skin-tight plate mail (plate mail was never built skin-tight) that had alarm bells welded to the chest!

Thanks for the trip down nostalgia lane!

[Pilgrim]

Haha this is brilliant, that was a fun twist to read. Also I'm glad you liked my story despite the fact that it clearly demonstrates that I know nothing about traditional DnD and just used the name to indicate an archetypal fantasy world >_> I would actually be interested in reading more stories with this premise.

[zneeze]

Very interesting idea, SmokeyGhost! Really liked the dual-narrative style and your sense of humor!

[MoonDuck]

Wow, this is an amazing idea! Do you plan on writing more? It's really good and really clever

[Blah!?]

Dang, that was something else. xD

I've never been a DM, but if I ever did it I feel like I would be tempted to work sneezing in somehow. That said, I probably wouldn't actually be able to do it. I'd just want to...

Still, it's a nice thing to think about, and this story certainly makes it easier to imagine.

[SmokeyGhost]

I do plan to write more, I have a big general idea of where I want the story to go but as to how it's going to get there, I'm kind of making it up as I go along. I really wasn't sure about the details of where I wanted to go next but JaeChaeGi's posts gave me an idea. And glad you like the humor.

Part 2

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Morgan wrenched her sword from the gut of the last of the goblin sentries and allowed the corpse to crumple to the ground. She dropped to one knee breathing heavily and glistening with sweat and took a moment to survey her handiwork. Four dead, one with an arrow through his throat and three in various states of dismemberment. She had caught them unaware, warming themselves at a small campfire in the middle of an open cavern. Not a bad start for an adventuring career.

That was great!

Yeah, you did really well.

Now that the fight was over, the chill of the cave began to seep back in, raising goose bumps up and down her arms. She sheathed her sword and...

A die clattered across the table.

... quickly turned her head into the crook of her elbow. "<hut-esh-uh!>"

The die clattered again.

"<hut-ESH-uh!>" She snuffled loudly and let out a little gasp. At least there was no need for stealth. If the clash of metal on metal during the recent melee had not alerted any nearby patrols, a few sneezes certainly wouldn't.

"Is there anything... like... cloth or something around that I... or I mean, she, I guess... can see?"

Morgan examined the bodies of the goblins she had slain. Their garb was a mix of cheap leather and rotted rags, unwashed and covered in goblin filth.

"Ew."

She snuffled again...

A die clattered across the table.

... and rubbed her reddening nose as she continued to look around. A ratty tapestry with a roughly drawn emblem hung on the north wall above a stout oaken chest.

"There we go!"

Morgan raised herself to her feet and strode purposefully to the north wall. She took firm hold of the tapestry, drew her dagger, and cut off a palm sized square which she quickly brought to her nose and began to blow.

"Umm... I don't know. Strength, I guess."

A die clattered across the table.

She had always received compliments on her nose. It was thin, turned up at the end, and often described as "cute." These traits, unfortunately, made it difficult to clear. She could still remember catching colds as a child and her mother admonishing her to "blow harder, sweetie." The thought along with the nose blowing made her teary eyed. She had never fully recovered from the murder of her family by an orc patrol, it is why she had decided to one day become an adventurer.

"Ugh. The 'my family was killed and I became an adventurer to get revenge' back story. Such a cliché."

"Shut up. She's MY character and I can make her back story be anything I want."

After several tries she was able to breathe properly, so after dabbing her eyes lightly with the cloth she tucked it carefully into her belt.

"Okay, what about the chest?"

Morgan raised her fist to her mouth and coughed a tentative "<ehem>", listening for the sound of congestion. A head cold she could deal with, but if it worked its way into her chest it would be difficult to fight. Fortunately, if she was catching a cold it had not yet made its way down...

"I meant the oaken chest, silly."

"Oh... uhh... right..."

Morgan knelt down beside the chest and examined it. There did not appear to be any lock or mechanism of any kind and she could see no evidence of traps, so gingerly she lifted the lid. Inside as a pile of worthless tin trinkets, various bones, and a few scattered copper coins.

"I pocket the coins and dig around through the bones and trinkets to see if there's anything underneath."

Beneath the bones and refuse Morgan discovered a chain mail shirt, suffering from neglect but clearly of high quality.

"Oh, nice! Is it magic?"

"There's really no way to know that unless you have 'Detect Magic' cast on it back in town."

"Wait... I read somewhere that magic armor automatically sizes itself to its wearer, right? So halflings and dwarves and stuff can wear the same magic armor that humans wear."

"Ummm... yeah... I guess."

"Well I try it on to see if it fits. It's pretty unlikely that I'm going to find non-magical armor that just HAPPENED to be made specifically for a 5'3" female with an epic rack."

"Excellent point."

Morgan slipped the chain shirt over her head.

"You're going to put it on right over your chain mail bikini top?"

"Well... no... but unless you want this post moved over to the adult board we might want to gloss over that part."

"Another excellent point."

To her surprise, the chain shirt adapted to her shapely curves exactly, fitting as if it were made for her and her alone.

"I KNEW it!"

Encouraged by her find, Morgan prepared to move deeper into the cavern. The goblins she had slain were definitely from the same band that had kidnapped the girl, but there was no sign of their captive...

[Heven]

God, this is so much fun! (and I've never even played D&D)

[SmokeyGhost]

Well in real D&D you definitely don't roll for sneezes, but I may address that at some point in the narrative

[JaeChaeGi]

Well done, sir! Are you familiar with Dead Gentlemen Productions and their "Gamers" series of films? Your writing reminds me of the way they flip back and forth between players and characters. You have such a knack for it that I feel equally immersed in both the game play and the scene! I love the way the die clattering foreshadows the sneeze!

[SmokeyGhost]

I've heard of those but never seen them. I should check those out.

Part 3

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The die clattered across the table.

“<EH-shoo!>” The sound of Morgan’s wet sneeze echoed down the corridor, but she was past the point of caring. Her commander in the keep guard had warned her that if she wanted a warm bed and a hot meal every night she should stay in guard and not strike off as an adventurer, and she was beginning to see his wisdom. The air had grown inexplicably colder, her boots were still soaked from wading through an underground stream, her nose was red and sore from blowing, and she had just sneezed what seemed like the tenth time in a row.

“Ugh. What is that, like, ten now? I’m never going to make this roll. Is it really necessary for me to roll each time she has to sneeze? What’s the point?”

“It’s more fun this way.”

A sigh. “Okay.” The die clattered across the table.

“<eh-SHOO!>” Morgan allowed the force of her sneeze to carry her forward, catching the corridor wall with her shoulder. Her sword fell from her grip and clanged against the stone floor but she simply rested against the wall, exhausted.

“What are you looking for?”

“My lucky blue die, have you seen it?”

Another tickle began to build again at the tip of Morgan’s nose. She leaned against the wall doubled over and panting, waiting for the inevitable sneeze to come.

“Isn't that it right there?”

“No, I mean the dark blue one.”

Morgan rubbed the tip of her nose roughly, but the tickly, itchy feeling only increased, working its way up her nose into her sinuses. She inhaled sharply and caught her breath for a moment, then exhaled.

“It’s probably still in your dice bag.”

Dice clattered onto the table in a downpour.

Morgan inhaled again sharply and more deeply. Her eyebrows raised and squeezed together as her mouth dropped open and she held the expression for as long as she could, but the need for air overcame her and she was forced to exhale and resume panting. The tickle in her sinuses was maddening.

“It’s right there by your elbow.”

“That’s green.”

Morgan rolled her back against the wall as her breaths came faster and faster. Relief would come. It simply had to. She squeezed the upper part of her nose between her fingertips.

“Maybe it fell out in your backpack.”

Morgan arched her back as her breaths came in rasps; her rib cage ached with the effort. She writhed back and forth against the wall, the itch behind her cheeks becoming unbearable.

“Oh, here it is. Ready?”

Morgan inhaled more deeply than she thought possible.

The die clattered across the table.

Morgan bent back her neck and brought her hand forward, ready for the inevitable release…

There was the unmistakable clink of plastic on porcelain as the die deflected off a coffee cup, teetered on the edge of the table, and bounced repeatedly on the linoleum floor.

“Oops.”

Morgan exhaled forcefully in a cry of frustration and anguish and began to beat the stone wall behind her with her fists.

“Did you see where it went?”

“It’s right there by your foot.”

Morgan’s whimpered, her face locked into a contorted expression of desperation.

“Your other foot.”

Morgan’s boot heel scrapped against the stone floor as she tried to push herself into the wall, frantic to do anything to end her torment.

“Okay, here we go.”

Morgan moaned repeatedly in a mixture of ecstasy and agony, light headed and unsteady.

The die clattered across the table.

Morgan’s stomach compressed nearly into her spine, only to violently expand in a deep and sudden inhale as her head snapped back and her hand went to her face…

“TWENTY! See? I told you that die is lucky!”

Morgan froze mid-sneeze. The tickle in her nose was instantly and completely gone. In fact, it was hard to believe that it had ever existed. She waited a moment, holding her pose in disbelief, but the feeling did not return. In fact, her nose wasn't even as stuffy as it had been just moments ago. She rubbed her nose incredulously, but there was no hint of the itchy feeling whatsoever. With a sigh she slumped to the floor and hugged her knees. And observer would not have been able to tell whether she was laughing or sobbing, and she was not certain herself.

Epilogue

“You were due for a good roll.”

“No way. My lucky blue die ALWAYS comes through.”

“Let’s see what would have happened if you had rolled the yellow one. Just to see.”

A die clattered across the table.

Morgan sat on the corridor floor with her arms wrapped around her knees, exhausted from the recent ordeal. She turned her head slightly to the side, squeezed her shoulders together, and suddenly and unexpectedly issued a slight, nearly silent “kit-choo!”

“See?”

Morgan fell back against the wall, laughing hysterically.

[MoonDuck]

Squeeee this is an amazing story! Sad that it's over, but great ending though!

[JaeChaeGi]

Awesome! I love the illustration in the middle, too! I'm with MoodDuck: I'm sad it's over, but that's a great ending! Thanks for writing this!

[SmokeyGhost]

Uhhh... the epilogue was just supposed to be for part 3. I guess that's kind of ambiguous. I've got some ideas on where to take it next. It's not over unless people really, really want it to be

[MoonDuck]

Uhhh... the epilogue was just supposed to be for part 3. I guess that's kind of ambiguous. I've got some ideas on where to take it next. It's not over unless people really, really want it to be

Okay. okay. That is good. Very very very good. Yay!

[NoV]

Morgan arched her back as her breaths came in rasps; her rib cage ached with the effort. She writhed back and forth against the wall, the itch behind her cheeks becoming unbearable.

Argh, and I can't believe she didn't sneeze Nice story, and I especially liked the inclusion of the picture. I like how you wrote the way her body responds to the building sneeze...

[GroundIntoDust]

What a great buildup! It's too bad she never got her release, though

[SmokeyGhost]

Heh. Sorry for the tease. I've been known to do that in my stories

[SexyGodlikeHair]

This just makes me think of a sneeze fetish version of D&D...oh god, special campaigns, things to customize-damn you for making me think of this but have no way to make it!

[webmeistro]

I had "Keep on the Borderlands" when I was but a wee lad. This brings back memories.

This just makes me think of a sneeze fetish version of D&D...oh god, special campaigns, things to customize-damn you for making me think of this but have no way to make it!

I know, this makes me want to bang out a 37 page rules supplement for sneezing in AD&D.

[SexyGodlikeHair]

I had "Keep on the Borderlands" when I was but a wee lad. This brings back memories.

This just makes me think of a sneeze fetish version of D&D...oh god, special campaigns, things to customize-damn you for making me think of this but have no way to make it!

I know, this makes me want to bang out a 37 page rules supplement for sneezing in AD&D.

OH MY GOD YEESSSS

[webmeistro]

I know, this makes me want to bang out a 37 page rules supplement for sneezing in AD&D.

OH MY GOD YEESSSS

What the heck, I will if a few more people approve...

[SexyGodlikeHair]

I know, this makes me want to bang out a 37 page rules supplement for sneezing in AD&D.

OH MY GOD YEESSSS

What the heck, I will if a few more people approve...

Oh my god, this would be SO AMAZING! Hell, I need to start writing up a petition...