For Kythe & Sneezeadorer

[Bongo]

Title: For Kythe & sneezeadorer

Fandom: POTC

Disclaimer: I don’t own, I just annoy

Summary: Jack really doesn’t like Jack. In fact, Jack hates Jack.

A/N: I haven’t seen the 1st movie in a while, so the timeline may be a little…horrid

A/N 2: Sorry it's tiny. Think of it this way, it's monkey sized

“Close the window,” Captain Jack Sparrow ordered as he entered the captains quarter where Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann were currently sitting and slammed the door behind him. Will sprung up to follow orders, and Elizabeth just sat there terrified. She still hadn’t gotten over the shock of seeing real pirates, and the strangest one of them all had suddenly stormed into her quiet room.

“It’s a million degrees in here,” Will complained, “why do we need the window and door shut?”

“Look mate,” Jack drawled, “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the bloody cabin. Savvy?”

“I can stand it,” Will retorted as he sat back down beside Elizabeth, “I was just asking.”

Jack considered the benefits to telling him, then the benefits of not telling him, then realized he really didn’t have much choice in the matter as his nose had suddenly sprung to annoying life and decided for him.

“Monkey,” he choked out.

“Monkey?” Will repeated with a confused expression on his face to match Elizabeth’s.

“Monkey,” Jack agreed. “Bloody monkey.” Before Will could question him any farther, the older pirate snapped forward with a harsh sneeze “HACHOOee!” that made his jewelry rattle comically.

“Bless you,” Elizabeth said meekly from her spot on the boat’s only real chair.

“Thanks love,” Jack sniffled, rubbing his nose against the back of his bracelet-clad wrist.

“What about a monkey?” Will pressed.

“I’m allergic to the damn monkey,” Jack spat, “bit thick aren’t you? I say monkey and sneeze, that’s pretty much code for monkey allergy.”

“I didn’t know monkey allergies existed,” Will told him, “and I didn’t know there were any swimming monkeys.”

“There aren’t swimming monkeys you git,” Jack said, “there’s Jack.”

“Aren’t you Jack?” Elizabeth questioned.

“They named the monkey Jack,” was her answer, followed by another “Hetchoee!”

Beside her, Will chuckled. Jack picked up on this at once and was less than pleased. “Something funny lad?” he asked Menacingly, in a tone that Elizabeth realized meant Will better give him the right answer.

Will however, wasn’t as perceptive. “You sneeze like a girl,” he announced.

Jack made a big show of putting his hand to his chest and gasping. “This coming from the eunuch?” he asked in an over-the-top shocked voice.

“I’m not a eunuch!” Will snapped at him, then turned to Elizabeth. “I’m not a eunuch.”

“Your voice is rather high,” Jack argued. The thing was though, at that point the statement would be better suited for his own voice. It was hitching as the infernal monkey fur entered his nose. Of course, now that he had mentioned his allergy to Will and Elizabeth, and had his sneeze dubbed as anything but manly, he couldn’t sneeze.

He held his breath in hoped of staving it off. That seemed to make his nose mad, and it only tickled more. Then he wriggled his nose around to appease it, but that had the same effect. Through watering eyes he saw that Will was smirking, and realized he probably looked ridiculous. The only thing was to just sneeze and get it over with. “HAETCHUee!”

“Say nothing,” he ordered Will, who had his mouth open to talk. He immediately shut his mouth, but nudged Elizabeth to continue.

She looked uncomfortable with the idea of addressing the pirate captain who had held her hostage just days before, but pushed her fears out of her mind. “Captain Sparrow?” she began. He looked at her and raised his eyebrows. “Your nose is running,” she informed him, pulling a handkerchief out of the bodice of her gown.

He took it with an uncharacteristic blush and blew his nose loudly. Then, being the kind man that he was, he shooed the young boat mates out of the cabin and threw himself into Elizabeth’s vacated chair.

“Stupid monkey,” he grumbled, pressing the handkerchief back against his face just in time to release another “Hetchooee” into its folds.

As he lowered it from his face with a tired sigh, he caught a bit of the conversation from outside the door. “Everyone on this ship hates Jack,” came Gibbs’ voice.

Jack, fearing another mutiny, jumped to his feet and shoved the door open. “What did you say?” he demanded.

Gibbs looked up at him in surprise. “Hullo captain,” he greeted.

“Don’t ‘hullo captain’ me,” Jack snapped. “Just tell me what you said.”

“I said we all hate Jack,” Gibbs repeated. Jack glared at him, and Gibbs realized the miscommunication they’d had. “Not you,” he clarified, “the monkey.”

[Shay]

That was great! I think I enjoyed it even more than I normally would have because I just saw the 2nd movie in the theater today. As well as some great sneezes in there from Jack, you managed to capture the sort of humor that was in the movies and I laughed just as much as I did when watching the movies.

[magictoes11]

Ha ha! I love that the great and mighty Captain Jack sneezes like a girl. That's too hysterical.

[Shay]

Ha ha! I love that the great and mighty Captain Jack sneezes like a girl. That's too hysterical.

I know, it's priceless!

[scarletdragon3]

That was great! I absolutely LOVE Jack, that could be because I'm in love with Johnny Depp, but I do think that Jack is awesome . I saw POTC 2, and I wish I could see it again because of him. I wish there were more POTC fics with Jack doing the sneezing. You did an amazing job of portraying Jack, funny and witty. A girl...hahahaha

[Guest rouge]

A little out of character

But amazing

<3