Bless You, Father (short story - a bit mature-ish)

[Guest Gatsby]

(I was bored today. BTW, I'm not Catholic, so I had to research how confession goes. I hope I got it most of the way right!)

I sat down in the confessional and removed my winter hat and scarf. Even inside the church, my exhales made little clouds in the air. “Good day, Father,” I said. “Sorry I’m so late for confession.”

“Better late than never,” he replied. Although a wooden screen prevented me from seeing his entire face, I could tell from his voice that he was young; perhaps no older than myself. He had brown hair and a pale complexion. “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen.” As he spoke, my right hand flew to make an awkward cross over my chest. It must’ve been months since I last came in for a service, and even longer since I last confessed.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” I said with trepidation. “It has been… two years since my last confession.”

On the other side of the screen, the priest gave a quick intake of breath. I thought he was gasping at me and my two years of sin, but instead—“Eh’SCHHT! Ooo…”—he sneezed. He sniffed once, twice, and then I could see him shake his head a little through the square holes in the wood.

“Are you all right?” I asked.

“Quite, yes,” he said hurriedly. “I apologize. Now, please, continue.”

“Oh, yeah. These are my sins: I haven’t been to church in months, I didn’t attend my cousin’s wedding out of spite, I’ve wished death upon my boss numerous times, I tried to run over my neighbor’s children on more than one occasion, I made out with my sister’s boyfriend and didn’t tell her, I’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain about ten times a day—”

“Eh’SCHH! Ah…eh’SCHH! Uhn…”

I paused to let him finish. “Father, really, are you okay?”

He sniffed again. “Yes, I’m fine,” he said. His voice was a little thicker this time. “Please, go on. I don’t mean to keep interrupting y…you… Eh’SCHH! Oh…excuse me.”

“Bless you, Father.”

“Thank you…”

“Okay, where was I? Um… I stole packets of sugar out a few cafés, I blamed my lost report on my secretary and got her fired, I gave a cop a handjob to get out of a speeding ticket, and… I think that’s it.”

The priest was quiet for a moment. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, for these sins, I will have you do ten decades of the rosary, ten hail-marys, and five our-fathers.” I then realized why I hadn’t been to confession in so long. There was nothing I hated more in the world than saying my penance. “Now,” he continued with a soft sniff, “please say your act of contrition.”

I closed my eyes and clasped my hands together. “I’m sorry that I’ve sinned so greatly and so frequently. It fills me with sorrow to know that I have not been forgiven. It is a dead weight upon my soul, and it makes my heart sick. Oh God, I am only human, your creation, but I will do everything in my power to never commit these sin again.”

Man, I’d been using that same act of contrition since middle school.

A long silence followed. I hadn’t been to confession in two years, but I knew the priest was supposed to absolve me now. I looked down at my watch. I had a bus to catch in twenty minutes. “Father,” I whispered hesitantly. “I’m in a bit of a hurry.”

The priest sniffed again. He must’ve been just about to sneeze. “One…one moment,” he said. His breathing was quick and deep. “God the Father…ah…of mercies, through the death and…and resurrection of his Son…aah, has reconciled the world to him-himself and sent the…ah…aah…Holy Sp…Spirit among us for the forgiveness…aah! of sins; through the ministry of the Church m-may God give you p-pardon and—ah! peace, and I absolve—AAH! you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the…of the…of the…Hi’CHHOO!”

Well, he tried. “Holy Spirit,” I finished for him.

But he wasn’t done. The persistant tickle still had control over him. I could make out his hands coming up around his nose and mouth and his torso bucking forward on each sneeze. “Eh’CHOO! Heh’CHHOO! Eh…eh’CHOO! Ooh…sweet Mary, mother of Jesus…”

“Bless you again, Father.”

He sniffed twice and sighed with relief. “Thank you. The Lord has forgiven your sins. Go in peace.” I thanked him in return and exited the confessional. I tugged on my hat and wrapped my scarf back around my neck, feeling happy and content for more reasons than one.

= Fin =

[Kitty]

Gatsby - Excellent job - very well described, though I am no longer, I was brought up Catholic and I had to giggle aloud at this line

“Well, for these sins, I will have you do ten decades of the rosary, ten hail-marys, and five our-fathers.”

The decade is particularly clever and actually how it felt at times. Really though, very nicely done.

Be well, Kitty

[tma]

I liked it. Completely different character than I have seen done before. I like reading new things.

Granted I'm not Catholic- but I really didn't find it disrespectful at all.

[Guest Hana-chan]

I know this was written a LONG time ago... but it still remains one of my absolute FAVORITES!!!

I love it!

[Lynne]

Holy resurrected threads, Batman!!!!

[chui]

oh yus... but what a good one to resurrect!

[Guest Serenity]

Glad Hana-Chan did ressurect it! I'd not read it before. I don't suppose Gatsby is still around, but for what it's worth, I enjoyed it.

[Jazz]

Oh wow...that was just...gahh.

Absolutely brilliant.

[RandomNumber]

excellent

[EscapingReality]

Puts a whole different twist on "bless you" :-) Great story.

[a red nine]

Well this is a story drudged up from the depths of the pages! But it is a good one, that's for sure. Very cute.

It's been resurrected twice! Considering the topic, how coincedental..

[obsessed]

Oh my, I enjoy this dragging from depths. It was quite adorable, and the writing was marvelous. :]

[Anonymouse]

The priest sniffed again. He must’ve been just about to sneeze. “One…one moment,” he said. His breathing was quick and deep. “God the Father…ah…of mercies, through the death and…and resurrection of his Son…aah, has reconciled the world to him-himself and sent the…ah…aah…Holy Sp…Spirit among us for the forgiveness…aah! of sins; through the ministry of the Church m-may God give you p-pardon and—ah! peace, and I absolve—AAH! you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the…of the…of the…Hi’CHHOO!”

[VoOs]

Well, I don't know if you're ever going to read this, Gatsby-from-8-years-ago, but this story has always made me tingle in the best kind of ways. <3 Catholic priests... There's just... something about them. That untouchable, holy authority. Throw some loss of control into that, and you're pushing some serious fetish buttons for me. Mmm. <3

[murphy dee]

Well, I don't know if you're ever going to read this, Gatsby-from-8-years-ago

That's me, that's me!

Wrote that when I just started my senior year of high school. That's why I signed up here finally - for some reason, I was reminded of this story and miraculously found it on google by searching "gatsby" and "sneeze fetish" (I typically use some form of "Gatsby" as a username, but this time I decided to be smarter, haha). This story still totally embarasses me, though. Writing it was one thing, but reading it again after so long is, like, epic mortification.

[Natto]

This was written ages ago, but I just read it now. Loved it! I like how you were vague about what was causing the priest to sneeze so much...one's brain can fill in with one's own favorite scenario. I also like that the one doing the confession wasn't totally devoted to it, that seems fairly realistic. The sneezes themselves were pretty awesome too, especially the long, drawn-out one. Great story!

[LovelyLinda]

I'm no catholic either, but gosh...

this is just *faints*

Really awesome

Thanks a lot for writing it!

It reminds me of the bloopers of Daredevil

There's nearly the same scenario with Ben Affleck.

Epic. Just epic.