A Job Well Done (f)

[Blah!?]

Hey everyone, time for another story. This one's my feeble attempt at humor, so I hope it's at least a little amusing. It's very anime-inspired, and it isn't supposed to be taken seriously at all.

Basic Synopsis: A pair of bumbling assassins remind themselves why not even the lowest bidder will hire them.

Anyway, here it is:

"Ah… AAISHIIEEEW!!!" Meredith sneezed herself into the elevator and pitifully rubbed the index finger of her free hand back and forth under her tickling nose. Inga, her partner, ran into the elevator after her and punched her hard in the shoulder.

"Ow! Stop that!" Meredith whined, rubbing her arm where Inga's fist had connected with her.

"I'll stop punching you when you stop with the bloody sneezing! You're going to get us caught!" Inga's fiery eyes tried as hard as they could to burn into Meredith's, but the sneezy young woman was feeling too out of it to notice. She simply continued to rub her nose and sniffle.

"But I can't help it! I just have to… Have to… AAAIIIEESHIIEEEEWWWW!"

"Jesus! Can't you at least make them a little less high-pitched? You're going to pop my eardrums!" Inga punched her partner again. Meredith whimpered and fell back into the corner of the elevator as it began its ascent to the top floor. She sniffed hard, pulling her long nostrils shut for a moment. "And stop giving me that look! Even with those big eyes I can tell you're not some lost puppy. I'm going to keep punching you anyway."

"What are you getting so mad at me for?" Meredith moaned, pushing herself up against the corner walls of the elevator. "I told you, it's not my fault." She sniffed again pitifully, but Inga was unfazed by her attempted helplessness.

"Oh, this is so totally completely your fault," she said, putting her hands on her hips and leaning toward her partner. "When offered a free sample at the perfume department in a mall, everyone knows that you are supposed to spray it either on your hand or in the air. Everyone except for you! You, on the other hand, you shoved the entire bottle straight up your nose! The whole thing! And you know what's worse? That was two days ago! And you have been sneezing non-stop since then! I have gotten no sleep! None at all! Because you are sneezing all day and all night!"

"Sorry," Meredith replied in a tiny voice, still rubbing her nose. "At least I still have the briefcase," she continued, holding up her other hand. Sure enough, a large metal briefcase was clutched in her fingers, her knuckles white around the handle. Inga stared at her partner with the most unimpressed expression any human being could ever hope to wear. "That is because I handcuffed it to you."

"O- A… Aah… AAIIISHIIIEEEEEW!" Inga clenched a fist again as Meredith sneezed one more time. "Meredith, I am going to be honest with you. If you sneeze one more time. Just one more measly time. I am going to punch you in the nose. It will hurt. You will probably cry. But I won't, because maybe it will finally make you stop sneezing. Do I make myself clear?" Meredith nodded, but at the same time her nostrils flared and her eyes fluttered shut.

"Aa… Ah… Aahhah… Haaa…" Somehow she managed to hold back her sneeze, saving herself from another punch. Inga sighed in relief, as did Meredith when she realized she wasn't going to be punched.

"Are you ready?" Inga asked, watching the floor numbers on the elevator wall light up in sequence. They were almost at the roof. Meredith sniffed, rubbed her nose and nodded. "Yep, everything's all set. All I have to do is put it together and I'll be ready." She shook the briefcase again as if Inga didn't already know it was there. Both of them took deep, relaxed breaths again as the elevator approached the final few floors. However, just as everything seemed peaceful for a moment, Meredith built up to another sneeze.

"Haah… Ahhhh… AISHIIIEEEEEEEEW!"

Inga's fist flattened Meredith's squishy nose just as the elevator doors parted.

---

"I can't believe you punched me in the nose," Meredith whined as she peered through the scope of her recently assembled rifle. She sniffed and then winced, tensing up slightly. "Now it hurts when I sneeze." Next to her, Inga groaned. "You've been hurting me when you sneeze for nearly three days. Deal with it."

"I'll traahhh… Ahhh… AISHIEEW! Ow…"

"Seriously, for the sake of the job, stop that! You're definitely going to get us caught out here!"

"I'm sorry…"

"You're like an air raid siren! I bet people can hear you a mile away."

"Sorry… Wait… Wait a minute. I think I see him."

"Our target? Awesome! Shoot him in the face!"

"Wait a second…" Meredith said, adjusting her aim slightly. Inga made a fist again, clearly getting impatient.

"What are you waiting for? Just do it! Then we can go home!"

"I have to aim," Meredith explained, snuffling roughly. "I have to account for wind and gravity too. I can't just push a 'blow up the target's face' button." She rubbed her nose vigorously with the index finger of her free hand and sniffed again. "Uh oh…"

"What? Did he move? Can you still see him?" Inga asked desperately. They needed to get this job done, no matter the cost. Meredith nodded and rubbed her nose again, a bit more frantically this time. "Is something in the way?" Meredith shook her head. Inga made a fist again as her partner rubbed her nose one more time. "Then what the hell is the matter?"

"I… I… Hafta…" Meredith tried to explain, but her sneeze had already taken control. Inga quickly caught on to what was happening, so she punched Meredith in the shoulder yet again and then shoved her finger under her partner's squishy nose. "Oh no you don't!" Meredith's sneeze calmed down, but she didn't.

"Inga! Move your hand! You're throwing off my aim!"

"No way! Don't you watch movies? The second I take my hand away you'll sneeze and ruin everything!"

For the first time that night, Meredith started to get serious. Her nose was still tickling like crazy, and she could tell she was going to sneeze eventually, with or without Inga's finger. She would have to line up her shot before that happened, even if Inga was pestering her. Without responding, Meredith went back to trying to aim. However, the tickling in her nose was only getting worse by the second.

"Ahh… Aaahhahh…" The hitching breaths made Meredith's aim wobble away from her target, but she quickly adjusted again. Even though only her finger was touching her, she could tell Inga was becoming frantic. "Hurry up, hurry up!"

"Ahh… Ahhh… Ahhhh…" Meredith had the target squarely in her sights, so just as the sneeze won over, she squeezed the trigger.

"AAAIIISHHHIIIIEEEEEEEEEW!!!!"

Inga couldn't tell which was louder: the gunshot or Meredith's sneeze. The two of them simply sat on the rooftop for a moment, unsure of what had actually happened. After a second, Inga peered through her binoculars at the building they had been trying to shoot into. She saw no holes in the windows, and everything inside seemed to be fine. The binoculars fell out of her hands and landed on the roof with a clatter. "Meredith…"

Inga's partner sniffed helplessly and rubbed her nose back and forth with her finger. "Yes, Inga?" Meredith stared up at her spotter, surprised that she couldn't find any anger in her face. "What have you done?" Inga looked down over the edge of the roof to see that a fire hydrant on the side of the road below had exploded, showering the area around it. She took a deep breath and put the pieces together. Meredith opened her mouth to answer, but before a word could leave her throat, Inga punched her in the nose again.

---

"I'm sorry!" Meredith wailed, tears streaming down her face. She and Inga ran frantically across the rooftops, a pair of helicopters chasing them. Spotlights danced back and forth around them, giving them no clear escape route. "I swear I'll never do it again!" Inga didn't have it in her to reply. They kept running as fast as they could, but one of the helicopters pulled ahead of them. A pair of soldiers dropped down and landed on top of them, knocking them to the ground and then tying them up. Meredith sneezed repeatedly as the two of them were roped up and lifted into the helicopter above them. "Hey! I think I'm finally all sneezed out!"

Inga finally snapped. "I swear, if we weren't going to die anyway I'd kill you! We have tried this 87 times! 87! Do you have any idea how many times that is?"

"Um…"

"7 more than 80! That's a lot! And do you have any idea how many times we've succeeded! None! Zip! Zero! Never! Because you always ruin it! And it's always for some stupid reason! Maybe if you ruined just one of our plans for a good reason, this wouldn't seem so bad! Do you have anything to say for yourself!?"

"I…"

"Yes?"

"I…"

"You what!?"

"AAIIISHIIIEEEEEEEEW!!!"

---

I hope everyone enjoyed this one. It was a lot of fun to write, even if it's dumb. Thanks for reading!

[Chanel_no5]

Hehehe, that was cool. Especially the ending.

[Icee]

lol that was awesome! indeed, the ending was pretty funny.

awesome name choices, and fabulous sneezes.

write on!!

[Anonymouse]

AWWWW this was really cute! I love how the first two sections end with Meredith getting punched in the nose. Awesome scenario too, had me squirming in my seat with anticipation (of a lot of things ).

[TheCakeIsAlive]

That was brilliant. If this is a feeble attempt at humor I'm not quite sure what a proper attempt would result in... (hysterical laughing?)

Awesome as always. Oh... and love the irony of the title. Oh.. and Inga holding her finger under Meredith's nose

[count tiszula]

very nice! Except that bit of nose abuse; ouch, poor sneezy nose.....

[Pearlised]

LOVED IT as I do with every story you produce

There was really surprising bits too, I didnt think she'd actually punch her! but I love how it didn't work anyway

Awesome Blah, as usual

[Demosthenes]

You are hilarious. And this was a great read. Thanks!

[High on Lullabies]

Brilliant as always Could definitely imagine some anime-esque OTT facial expressions and movements while reading.

Oh, and agree with Sigrith that the finger-under-nose scene was very...re-readable