She's An Evil Enchantress... (Updated 7/9/14)

[Blah!?]

Disclaimer: This story has NOTHING to do with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Except the title. I was lazy. Sue me.

Hey guys,

Sorry for still not updating The Adventure Club yet, but I think that will be relatively soon. If it's any consolation, I actually haven't been wasting my recent time writing this particular story. I've had it for a while, and I finally decided to post it now.

Anyway, I think this was another one of those live-chat inspired stories, but it's been so long that I honestly don't remember. Basically, I wanted to write something about an evil overlord having to sneeze a whole bunch, and this is the result. I think it was a lot of fun to write, so hopefully you all enjoy it too.

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"Your tower is complete, my mistress," a squat, greenish creature announced, bowing before its master. The sorceress Tatiana turned her gaze down toward the goblin, nodding subtly. She swiped a finger across the smooth, glistening black stone of the castle walls and then turned to leave the entryway.

"Is the lift finished?" the sorceress asked, leading the goblin toward the base of the castle's central tower. The subservient creature nodded, and the two of them stepped onto a large, circular stone. A series of runes around the edge of the circle glowed with sickly-green energy, and then the whole stone slowly began to rise. The ride was taking longer than Tatiana expected, and she was beginning to bore. She drew circles in the air with fire summoned from her fingertip, burning the same slimy color as the lift's runes.

"Can this not move any faster?" Tatiana asked, irritably raising an eyebrow. The goblin nodded.

"Yes, yes! Of course it can!" it answered in its scratchy voice. Tatiana sighed and held up a finger, a wisp of green flame sparking from it.

"Then why isn't it?" she asked, her lips curling into an impatient sneer. The goblin stuttered, trying to put together an answer that wouldn't anger the sorceress. However, it took too long to think, and Tatiana grew tired of waiting. She flicked a finger toward the small creature and it burst into green flames, disintegrating so quickly it could only let out half a scream before being turned completely to ash.

"Why do I even bother?" Tatiana sighed to herself, hanging her head. She sighed deeply and pinched the bony bridge of her long nose. The sorceress took a slow breath and then swung her arm forward and thrust a fist up toward the sky. The runes around the edge of the lift glowed brighter and the stone shot upward, reaching the top of the tower in a matter of seconds. Another unfortunate goblin was shoved onto the platform by its comrades to take the place of the one Tatiana had just incinerated.

"Y-your throne room, Mistress Titania," it greeted. The other goblins dove for cover when they noticed their liaison misspoke the sorceress's name.

"Tatiana," she corrected, simultaneously destroying the goblin in a green explosion. A second replacement was shoved toward her from around the corner, and the sorceress hoped this one would be more competent.

"Your throne room, Mistress Tatiana." It would survive for a few more seconds at least.

The goblin bowed before the sorceress and led her away from the lift. They ascended a wide flight of steps, built from the same pitch-black stone as the rest of the castle, arriving in an open, circular chamber. A few goblins scampered about, placing furnishings and decorations around the room. Tatiana didn’t care, instead focusing only on the impressively large chair in the center of the room. Its frame was constructed from the same hellish black stone as the rest of the castle, and four dark green cushions made up its arm rests, seat and back.

"It's perfect," Tatiana purred, running her fingers along one of the arm rests. The goblin behind her smiled, happy to know it wouldn't be destroyed just yet.

"We're delighted that you're satisfied, mistress," it said, bowing before her. Tatiana nodded slightly, and then waved a finger back toward the lift.

"Now be gone. I wish to be alone," she commanded, inspecting her dark-green fingernails with one eyebrow raised. The goblin nodded and quickly fled the throne room, heading back down the stairs to the lift. The enchanted stone began to drop back down to the bottom of the tower, and the last few remaining goblins were forced to leap down to it, none wanting to be left alone with the sorceress.

Smiling evilly to herself, Tatiana slouched in her throne, crossing her long legs and resting her right cheek against her fist. Her twisted, thorny crown slid into a crooked position on her head, and she briefly pushed it back up with a single finger. She stared out through the massive window before her, admiring the black, cloudy sky. A silent bolt of lightning split the air, and the sorceress began to cackle to herself, throwing her head back with pleasure.

Tatiana's new tower and throne room were victory presents to herself. The sorceress had recently conquered the last of the Five Kingdoms, and she planned to rule over them with an iron fist until judgment day. Her personal army of goblins may not have been the most intelligent group, but their sheer numbers could easily overwhelm any force. With Tatiana and her magic driving them, they were completely unstoppable. Now, the entire realm was under the sorceress's thumb, and she had no intention of ever letting go. As long as her pitch-black tower stood, Tatiana would be the sole ruler of the land.

After filling the air of her throne room with evil laughter for what must have been hours, Tatiana finally grew bored with herself and retreated to her bedroom, connected to the rear of the throne room at the top of the tower. It hadn't been completely furnished yet, but her enormous four-poster bed was in place, and for now, that's all that mattered. With a snap of Tatiana's fingers, a cloud of black smoke swirled around her body. Once it dissipated, the sorceress's black hair had fallen from its bun, her web-like dress had been replaced by a forest-green nightgown, and her equally dark-green nail polish, lipstick and eye shadow had vanished. Tatiana pointed at the top of her covers and then swiped her finger toward the foot of her bed, the covers drawing themselves back as she did. Finally, the sorceress slipped herself into the bed. Her blankets pulled themselves up over her again, and she fell asleep almost immediately.

The next morning, Tatiana was sleeping soundly until she was disturbed by a single, dusty spore floating through the air. The small gray mass hung lazily above the sorceress, being drawn closer and closer to her with each of her slow, deep breaths. After just a few seconds, the dusty spore was hovering just outside Tatiana's nose, and a final breath inhaled it into her left nostril.

"Ughhhuh! "Heh! Heh-Heh-Heh!"

Tatiana spluttered and her breath immediately began to hitch. The sorceress's long nose wrinkled up slightly with each inhalation, and her eyes squeezed shut even tighter than they already were. Her elongated, slender nostrils flared, and a bright green glow seeped through her closed eyelids.

"Het'CHAH!"

The sorceress sneezed sharply, her head lifting up off her pillow. Wisps of sickly green magic energy swirled from her nostrils for a moment before disappearing. Scowling to herself, Tatiana gently flicked a knuckle under her long nose, flipping the sharp tip up for a second. She blinked, noticing that the multitude of dusty spores hanging in the air throughout the room. Tatiana swung her long legs over the side of her bed, and as soon as she was standing, another cloud of black smoke swirled around her. The sorceress's webbed dress and horned crown returned, and her dark-green makeup reapplied itself. As the cloud of smoke faded away, Tatiana's long black hair swirled around the blade of a dagger that had floated up behind her head, forming itself into a tight bun around the small weapon.

"What is the meaning of this!?" Tatiana bellowed, throwing the door to the throne room open with her magic. Her next words caught in her throat when she saw the latest addition to the chamber. A huge autumnal tree stood in the center of the room, growing out of the black stone just behind the throne itself. Reddish flowers blossomed from its leafless branches, and every few seconds, they would belch clouds of the dusty spores, steadily filling the air with them. Although she knew it wasn't the case, Tatiana felt as if the spores were seeking her out, intentionally finding their way up into her nose.

"Heh! Heh-Heh! Het'CHAHH!"

Another sharp sneeze sent more wisps of green energy into the air, but this time, they set several of the spores alight, burning them out of the air. This bought Tatiana some time to speak before sneezing again, though she knew it wouldn't last long.

"What in the blazes is this tree doing in my throne room?" the sorceress demanded, stamping a foot on the ground like an angered child. The goblins decorating the room took cover, only one of them stepping forward to offer an explanation. Without giving it any chance to speak, Tatiana flicked a finger at it, immediately incinerating it in a wreath of green flame. A second goblin was quickly shoved into the open to take its place, this one holding a small book.

"It's in here, my mistress," the small creature explained, holding up the book opened to a seemingly random page. Tatiana snatched the book from the goblin's hand as soon as it was close enough.

"The essential evil overlord's lair?" the sorceress sneered, raising a thin eyebrow in disgust. The book did indeed mention the tree, citing it as an exemplary centerpiece to any dictator's chambers. "Why are you reading this rubbish?"

"We thought having a proper lair would please you!" the goblin answered earnestly, bowing and smiling up at its master. Tatiana's sneer evolved into a cruel scowl, and she quickly disintegrated the creature before her with a flick of her finger. She turned to shout at her remaining servants, but another wave of dusty spores found their way into her nose at just the wrong moment.

"Hungh!" Tatiana gagged, feeling the spores clog her sinuses before the urge to sneeze could be processed. "Heh! Heh! Het'CHAAHH!"

This sneeze sent a small, green fireball exploding out of the sorceress's nose, destroying the spores around her. However, enough of them had invaded her nasal passages already that her urge to sneeze was far from satisfied. Tatiana wiggled her nose from side to side, trying to rid herself of the deep, itchy sensation, but her efforts were in vain.

"Heh! Heh-Heh-Heh! Het'CHHH! Het'CHAH! Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-HET'CHHAAHHHH!!!"

The first two followup sneezes caused increasingly large fireballs to burst from Tatiana's nose, but her final, largest sneeze cast a more powerful spell. An enormous ring of green fire exploded all around her, washing over the throne room like a burning wave. All the spores hanging in the air were destroyed, but the unlucky remaining goblins were reduced to ash as well. Alone once again, Tatiana turned to face the tree. A few of its flowers had caught fire in the wave. The sorceress sneered evilly once again, a destructive idea popping into her head. She approached the tree, held up two extended fingers, and then hosed the plant down with two columns of green fire. Slowly but surely, the tree fell apart into a large pile of gray ash.

"Heh... Heh-Heh!" Tatiana felt another sneeze coming on, and she approached the ash pile to make use of it. Positioning herself across from the large window before her throne, the sorceress tossed back her head and prepared to release a sneeze.

"Het'CHHAH!"

The usual wisps of fire licked the edges of Tatiana's long, slender nostrils, but this time she also cast a different spell. A powerful gust of wind surged through her nose and mouth, carrying the ash out the open window and scattering it across the land far below. Finally satisfied, Tatiana stepped around to the front of her throne and plopped herself down in it, resuming her usual slouched position. She began to bounce with evil laughter, allowing her twisted crown to slip down over her eyes.

-----

Yeah.There you go. I need to think of more interesting ways to write my little followup things.

Recently I have been considering writing a sort of sequel or continuation or something, but I don't actually have any ideas for one. Just a desire. Maybe I'll come up with something if people are interested, but you should all know me by now. No promises there.

[Animeeze]

Tatiana is awesome, and casting spells due to sneezes is really cool. I really liked the bit with the dust spore causing her to sneeze xD

[hails]

Ohh, I just love the name Tatiana... Brilliance!

[OCC]

You really should continue this, it's lovely.

[Pilgrim]

I am really stoked on this whole idea! It feels like it ends right as it was getting good though...this fantasy land needs sturdier trees!

[a red nine]

I know you said you thought Tatiana killing her goblins was kind of cruel, and it is, but it's also hilarious. The overdone evilness is what perfects this story. It's amusing, but it also kind of endears us to Tatiana somehow. I like these pieces that are lighthearted (though darkly humorous) and fun. The consensus seems to be that we want more of Tatiana, so she'd really be a good writing break/exercise from your more in-depth stories.

[Blah!?]

Wow, man I had no idea I was going to do this, but...

More than a year later, I decided to revisit this little story. I had a ton of fun writing Tatiana, so I figured I'd give her another go. This is set an indeterminate amount of time later, though it doesn't really matter. Anyway, enjoy...

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Every thirty days, the five appointed rulers of Overlord Tatiana's conquered kingdoms were summoned to the sorceress's tower for a monthly meeting. More often than not, these meetings were routine and uninteresting. Most rebel factions were safely under control, so the most stimulating moments were when the more ambitious members of the group attempted to gain the sorceress's favor and influence. The first meeting of the summer, however, would prove to be quite different from the rest.

Tatiana herself was always the first to arrive at her own table, ready to scold whoever was seated last, but not today. On this most fateful of days, Lord William, ruler of the First Kingdom, emerged into the empty conference chamber. Glancing around sheepishly, William made his way to his usual seat, at Tatiana's left hand.

A minute later, the next ruler arrived. Lord Oberon of the Third Kingdom strutted into the chamber, and his face lit up when he realized he was one of the first to arrive. Oberon was young and lazy; more often than not he found himself seated as far from Tatiana as possible, but today was his chance to finally gain her favor. He took the seat at Tatiana's right hand and gave William a devilish grin, who remained unfazed.

Florian and Gerda entered simultaneously, lord and lady of the Second and Fifth Kingdoms respectively. Gerda was a massive thug of a woman; she was feared by her people, but the other rulers knew she had more brawn than brains. Florian, on the other hand, was generally believed to be Tatiana's favorite among her court. He was a handsome and ambitious elf, not to mention Oberon's perfect rival.

Finally, Lord Rollick of the Fourth Kingdom was the last to arrive. With the exception of Tatiana's absence, no one was surprised by this turn of events. Rollick was unfathomably lazy and gluttonous, but he did as he was told. He collapsed into the second to last chair at the table and immediately summoned one of Tatiana's goblins to bring him something to eat.

This marked the first time in the Age Of Tatiana in which the eponymous sorceress was the last to arrive at her own meeting. The rulers silently glanced back and forth amongst themselves, but before anyone could ask as to the overlord's whereabouts, an earthshaking sneeze echoed from the direction of the throne room.

"HAAAAA-CHHHOWWWW!!!!!"

William glanced nervously up at the ceiling, watching the chandelier overhead sway from side to side. The others turned their gaze to the vast door that connected the throne room to the meeting chamber just in time to see Tatiana shuffle through. The sorceress always carried herself with an immaculate aura of superiority, but today she seemed to have been defeated before the meeting even began.

Tatiana appeared to have at least tried to maintain her usual standards of appearance. Her black hair was up in a bun, but it was messy with locks protruding in every direction, and her crown was notably absent. She wore one of her usual black dresses, but her feet were clad in a pair of fuzzy slippers in place of her high-heeled boots. Most obvious of all was the forest-green handkerchief clutched in one hand, held delicately beneath her nostrils. Before sitting down, Tatiana raised the handkerchief to cover the lower half of her nose and gave a massive, honking blow, so loud that it echoed around the chamber's high ceiling.

"Handkerchief Goblin!" Tatiana demanded, wiping her nose. A squat, green creature scampered out from the shadows, carrying a fresh handkerchief. Tatiana dropped her damp cloth on the goblin's head and snatched up its replacement. This goblin was smart; it quickly retreated without raising a complaint, knowing better than to expect thanks.

"Heh... Het'CHAAHH!"

Tatiana sneezed into her fresh handkerchief, immediately spoiling a section of it. She folded the cloth over, wiped it across her nostrils, and then finally gazed up at her appointed rulers.

"Bless you, my over-" began Oberon before being cut off.

"There is but one item on this meeting's agenda," explained Tatiana, her voice weak and congested. "We shall outlaw hay."

The rulers sat in silence for a moment, the only sound coming from Tatiana's light sniffling. Eventually, William cleared his throat and glanced around the chamber before speaking up.

"My Overlord," he began, showing no struggle to keep his composure, "quite frankly, that is impossible."

"Is this meeting adjourned already?" belched Rollick, his mouth full of roasted meat.

"Oh, never say never, lads," interjected Oberon, his smirk as wide as ever. "So the sorceress wishes, so shall it be done."

"William has a point, this will be difficult," added Florian, weaving his fingers together and leaning onto the table, "but perhaps we can reach a compromise."

"But how we can compromise with hay?" asked Gerda, legitimately confused. "Hay not speak."

"Heh-Hhehh! HEE'CHAH!" Tatiana sneezed again, sickly green flames swirling out of her nostrils. She smudged her nose into her handkerchief, too overwhelmed to respond.

"I know!" Oberon chimed in, "we'll levy a tax on hay! That's how we can compromise!"

The young lord was awfully proud of himself, but no one could bring themselves to agree.

"We can't tax hay," groaned Florian, rubbing his temples. "The peasants who use it have no money with which to pay such a tax. What will we do then? Execute them until they comply? We'll run out of peasants before they run out of bankruptcy."

"Well, I don't see why not," shrugged Oberon. "Fear is already our primary weapon of control."

"You're missing the point," argued William. "Our purpose is to rule the Five Kingdoms, not destroy them. If we completely end the use of hay, agriculture in all of the kingdoms will grind to a halt, as will it if we engage in the wanton murder of our workforce."

"I like idea of Oberon," said Gerda. "Fifth Kingdom have major overpopulation problem."

"So send in a brute squad and thin them out," grumbled Rollick. "That's what I do when the rabble takes up too much of my food."

"HAAA-CHHHHOWWWWWWW!!!!!"

Tatiana suddenly heaved another thunderous sneeze, shaking the room with its magical energy. A massive green fireball was launched from her nose, incinerating her handkerchief before soaring above the table and exploding against the far wall. The rulers ceased their bickering and watched in silence as the sorceress desperately rubbed her nose with her outstretched fingers.

"I swear to the gods," Tatiana choked, snuffling between words, "I will destroy the next man, woman or subhuman creature who utters a non-sequitur or an excuse. Handkerchief Goblin!"

The rare intelligent goblin returned the instant Tatiana called for it. The sorceress snatched a fresh cloth from its hands and gave her nose an echoing blow which still did little to clear her head.

"Well, what other options do we have?" William asked, resting his chin in one hand. Gerda perked up.

"If cannot tax hay and should not kill peasants for use hay, we send military to destroy hay."

"Our military is substantial, but I'm sure even Tatiana will agree that we cannot commit a significant portion of our armies to a task like this," Florian pointed out. "Our enemies are ever watchful. If we divert any of our forces away from the border guard, they will take notice and they may even decide to strike."

"Hogwash!" exclaimed Oberon, nearly leaping from his seat. "Overlord Tatiana's armies would never be so feeble as to-"

"Shut up, Oberon," William and Florian groaned in unison. The thing they agreed on most was that the Five Kingdoms would be better served if Oberon's tongue were forcibly removed.

"If cannot use army, use plague," suggested Gerda. Florian shook his head, not even managing to smile this time.

"Gerda, listen to yourself. We're evil, not mad. Why in the world would we unleash a plague upon our own people?"

"Does not have to be plague of disease, can be plague of insect or bug."

"What kind of bug exclusively destroys hay and nothing else?"

"Hay-Murderer Beetle from Sixth Kingdom."

"Gerda, I can name three reasons why those are not real, first of which being you just made them up, right now."

"Hay-Murderer Beetle is real. Gerda live on farm in Sixth Kingdom, beetle always eat babushka's hay."

"Is there even a Sixth Kingdom?" Rollick groaned, reaching for a goblet of wine.

"Not in the Five Kingdoms, there isn't," Oberon pointed out, leaning back in his chair.

"Heh-Heh! Het'CHAHH!"

Tatiana sneezed once into her latest handkerchief, but it failed to catch the attention of her appointed rulers. They continued to bicker amongst themselves, making precisely no noteworthy progress toward any worthwhile goal. Tatiana blew her nose, managing to keep the volume to a dull roar this time. It earned a glance from William, but the other lords still ignored her.

Looking around the chamber, William could only see a single goblin aside from the one already serving as Tatiana's handkerchief dispenser. He surreptitiously beckoned it over, leaning down to whisper as it approached the table.

"Be a dear and fetch me some hay, please," William instructed. With no reason to know any better, the goblin nodded and made its way to the tower's central lift. From then on, William simply bided his time until the goblin's return.

"If you don't mind my asking, Overlord Tatiana," Rollick began, licking his lips, "but what appears to be the issue with hay in the first place? It's vital to our livestock, which in turn is vital to my- our food supply. Beef, pork, chicken..."

"The issue with hay," William said, glancing down at his returned goblin, "is this." He took a handful of hay from the creature; the other lords stared intently, but Tatiana was too busy blowing her nose to notice. William was immensely disappointed that no one else had come to this incredibly obvious conclusion yet, but he had always fancied himself the most intelligent of the group. Without a grin, a chuckle, or any other loss of composure, William reached his bundle of hay toward Tatiana and waved it up and down in front of her face.

Tatiana's nostrils flared helplessly as they filled with the scent of hay. Her eyes watered, causing her mascara to streak and run down her face, and her breathing became a series of gasps and wheezes. The sorceress's head tipped back farther and farther with each shuddering inhalation until the tip of her nose was pointing straight up at the chamber's high ceiling.

"Hah... Haahhh... Hhh-Hhahhh... HAAAAA-CHHHHHOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!"

The room shook violently as Tatiana unleashed a massive sneeze. Her nostrils expelled another green fireball that threatened to engulf William's hand, but he managed to pull back just in time. The chandelier up above swung more violently than ever, threatening to come crashing down, but none of the lords could be bothered to notice. One by one, they slowly came to the same realization William had.

"Het'CHAAH!"

The sorceress sneezed again, this time catching it with her moist handkerchief. She blew her nose immediately in the aftermath of the sneeze and then finally looked up to find all five of her appointed rulers staring at her.

"Stop!" she commanded, her voice strong but still congested. "I order you not to stare at me!"

"Gerda understands. Overlord Tatiana has... Hay fever... Heh, heh, heh."

Tatiana blushed, hiding the lower half of her face behind her handkerchief. She sniffled, trying to clear her stuffy nose so that she might speak uninhibited, but a congested slur was the best she could manage.

"Utter one more word and I'll-"

"You'll what? Destroy us?" William interrupted, pushing his chair back from the table. He rose to his feet, earning a death glare from Tatiana but a mesmerized stare from the others. "The only thing you've destroyed today is your reputation, oh Overlord."

"My Overlord, William means to usurp-" Florian shouted, making to stand up from his seat as well. He made it to his feet, but before he could draw his swords, Rollick bashed his goblet against the back of the elf's head hard enough to knock him to the ground.

"You will not merely die for this insolence," Tatiana threatened, pushing herself up from her own chair. "You will suffer. You will all suffer, until the Age Of Tatiana comes to its glorious finale!"

"We've suffered long enough already," groaned William, glancing down at his handful of hay. "But not for much longer, I think."

Tatiana summoned a ring of green fire around each hand, fully prepared to destroy her former underling, but before she could muster an attack, William hurled the hay at the sorceress's face. Tatiana doubled over with a coughing fit that gave way to several sneezes.

"Hehh... Het'CHAH! Heh-Heh-Heh! Het'CHHHH! HEE'CHAAH!!!"

By the time Tatiana regained her composure, William, Gerda and Rollick were at the far side of the chamber, preparing to leave. Florian was still face down on the floor, and Oberon was surprisingly still in his seat. He rose to his feet and took a step toward Tatiana, who backed away in response.

"Oh, my Tatiana," he said, his eyes sparkling. "I hate to part ways under such circumstances, but I promise you we'll meet again!"

Without warning, Oberon gracefully slid an arm behind Tatiana's back, pulled her in close, and kissed her full on the lips. Tatiana's face turned bright red and she squirmed in protest. After a moment of struggling she managed to shove Oberon away, who appeared no worse for wear.

"Get out of my sight, you worm!" Tatiana screamed, stomping a foot on the floor. Her tantrum was cut short by another untimely sneeze, which only served to infuriate her further.

"Hehh! HEE'CHHHH!!!"

"Oberon!" bellowed William from the far side of the chamber, "get your arse over here or we'll leave you to die!"

"Your words are harsh, my Tatiana," Oberon cooed, placing his hands over his heart as he skipped after William, "but I forgive you, and I will always love you! Please accept my hand in marriage once we wrest control of the Five Kingdoms from your grasp!"

Tatiana could only gape in disgusted shock as four of her five rulers abandoned her. Only Florian remained, and Tatiana had no way of knowing how trustworthy he was either. With or without the elf's help, Tatiana knew that war had returned to the Five Kingdoms, but with any luck, it would last longer than haying season.

-----

Thanks for reading! As always, feedback of any kind is greatly appreciated, be it constructive or otherwise. I may do more with this setting in the future, thought for now I don't have any more solid ideas. Only time will tell.

Anyway, that's all for now! Bye-bye!

[Chanel_no5]

Teehee, oh, I enjoyed this... Evil, powerful, and allergic? Yes please. And it was fun as well. Great job!

[Pilgrim]

I always did think this character had a lot more potential in her. Good one! ^.^

[zneeze]

Great update to this fic Blah! This one felt very Monty Python-esque, but still with your original writing style mixed in, and it worked well. And Tatiana's sneezes grew, didn't they xD Loved reading it, thanks for posting!

[Pearlised]

loooooooove it!! I love how equally powerful and powerless you've managed to make Tatiana!! And of course, I love the forces hayfever sneezing!!!