Female Nobody expects to banish a magician

[Blah!?]

Well, it's about time I posted something. For a while I wanted to do something Halloween-themed, but I just couldn't come up with an idea I really liked. Plus I thought maybe my creative juices had finally dried up, so for now I guess I'm just glad I managed to write anything at all.

For this one I tried to keep things relatively simple, just some inducing fun with the requisite fantasy backdrop that I need in order to stay alive. I'll try not to drag on any longer, so here you go!

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Janet wasn't sure if she really had a dream job, but working at a bookstore was certainly a top pick. It was always calm and quiet even on the busiest days, and Janet loved to read. Helping customers find what they were looking for made her feel happy and fulfilled, and luckily rude patrons were few and far between. But best of all, the relaxed environment helped Janet hide her true identity as a mage.

 

Magic had been illegal for nearly fifty years, and Janet had been keeping her abilities secret her whole life. She had met plenty of other mages in the past, but they always parted ways before too long for fear of being caught. Janet never fully understood why magic was illegal, but she didn't feel it was something worth dying for. She simply wanted to live a peaceful life, and working at the bookstore seemed just the way to do it. Unfortunately, even the quietest little towns were still visited by inquisitors on occasion.

 

Hearing the bell over the door jingle usually made Janet happy, but this time it sent a chill up her spine. She could tell something was wrong, and her fears were confirmed as she turned to look toward the front of the shop. A woman in a dark red inquisitor's coat stood in the entryway, commanding attention without so much as a word. Janet watched with a tinge of sadness as the customers silently made their way to the door, each one hoping the inquisitor wouldn't stop them. Once the last patron departed, Clover, the shop's owner, locked the door and hung the "closed" sign in the window.

 

"May I help you?" asked Clover, her tone more demanding than most would dare to be toward an inquisitor. Janet always thought her employer was a bit young to own a bookstore, but Clover rarely did anything she didn't want to. She was a strong, stout woman, and nothing ever seemed to scare her, and this inquisitor was no exception.

 

"Is that one your only employee?" the inquisitor asked, gesturing to Janet. Putting her hands on her hips, Clover nodded. The inquisitor beckoned Janet over, and she timidly approached to stand beside the shopkeeper.

 

"Good afternoon, ladies," greeted the visitor, clasping her hands behind her back. "I am Inquisitor Minerva, and I've heard rumors of magic coming from this little town of yours. Would either of you know anything about that?"

 

"I'm afraid not," grumbled Clover, folding her arms. The inquisitor smiled at her, and then she turned to Janet as if to ask her the same question. Keeping quiet, Janet nervously shook her head.

 

"I hope you'll understand that I can't simply take your word for it," said Minerva, reaching into her coat. She produced a large vial from her inside pocket, and after removing the cork, the inquisitor gently pulled a long, white feather out of the glass tube. Clover immediately wrinkled her broad, freckled nose at the sight of it.

 

"Feathers make me sneeze," she complained, as if she expected the inquisitor to stop. Minerva chuckled, holding up the feather to look it over.

 

"Are you refusing my inspection?" she asked, looking at the shopkeeper over the feather. Clover sighed and reluctantly shook her head. The inquisitor immediately smiled and took a step forward.

 

"Wonderful. After all, that's what I have a feather for in the first place. No mage can sneeze without casting a spell. I simply need to tickle your noses, and if you both sneeze with no traces of magic, I'll leave you in peace."

 

"Very well," Clover groaned, her eyes following the inquisitor's feather as she calmly waved it around. Janet couldn't have been more terrified, but she tried her hardest not to show it. Inquisitors were known to be ruthless in their inspections, and Janet knew the more nervous she seemed, the harder Minerva would press her.

 

"Let's begin with you," said the inquisitor, leaning toward Clover. Minerva gently tucked a lock of the shopkeeper's dirty-blonde hair behind her ear, and then she raised the feather up until the tip nearly touched the underside of Clover's nose. Janet swallowed as she saw a sliver of distress flash across her employer's face. It didn't last long, and soon Clover's triangular nostrils flared wide open as she breathed in a wave of feather particles, her allergies starting to awaken.

 

 Clover's eyes fluttered even before the inquisitor started tickling. Janet frowned as she noticed a look of enjoyment on Minerva's face; she was clearly taking pleasure in her victim's helplessness. Clenching her eyes shut, Clover scrunched her nose to the side. The inquisitor move the feather to follow, and then she began to gently stroke the shopkeeper's septum. Clover's shoulders tensed and her breathing shuddered, her willpower already failing. It wasn't long before she gasped for breath and let out a sneeze.

 

"Hhh-! Eh-hHNNnt!"

 

For all Clover's bluster, her sneezes had always been some of the tiniest Janet had ever seen. Somehow she had learned to stifle her sneezes without squeezing her nostrils, perhaps from years of stacking books with both hands. Clover only needed to close her mouth and wrinkle her nose, and then her sneezes were nearly silent.

 

"Oh dear, that's no good," said Minerva as Clover weakly opened her eyes. "You mustn't hold it in. Let's have a proper sneeze, shall we?"

 

Barely giving Clover a chance to recover, the inquisitor lifted her feather again and resumed tickling the shopkeeper's nose. The feather stroked up and down Clover's septum again, but only for a moment before it began to trace the edges of her nostrils. Minerva smiled again as Clover gasped helplessly, wrinkling her freckled nose as tightly as she could. Janet watched her employer's nostrils flare wide open as they prepared for another sneeze, but again Clover stifled it reflexively.

 

"Ah-hhhTT!"

 

"I do hope you're not doing this on purpose," the inquisitor groaned, rolling her eyes. "Let me help you."

 

Clover already looked like she was about to sneeze again, but that did nothing to stop Minerva. The inquisitor swirled the tip of the feather into the shopkeeper's right nostril, causing her to gasp and rear back her head. Minerva pulled the feather back, but then she quickly plunged it into Clover's left nostril instead. Janet winced and took a step back; the feather rapidly alternating between Clover's nostrils was clearly too much for her to bear. Mere seconds later, she lost herself to a prolonged sneezing fit.

 

"Ehh... Hihhh! He'kkCH! Hah... AHH-tshh! Hih-Hihh-HiSHH!"

 

Putting her hands on her hips, Minerva began to giggle. She produced a handkerchief from her pocket and held it out to Clover, who immediately snatched it away and sneezed into it once more before starting to blow her nose. The inquisitor continued to chuckle as the shopkeeper reigned in her allergy attack. At the very least, Clover seemed to have passed. Janet always supposed her employer hadn't been a mage herself, but now she knew for sure.

 

"Are you alright, Miss Clover?" she asked, taking a step forward and clasping her hands over her chest. Clover furiously rubbed her nose with the handkerchief, but she paused for a moment to give her assistant a nod. Janet smiled, but her relief was short-lived as Minerva turned to her.

 

"I'll need a sneeze from you too, dear," said the inquisitor, holding up the feather. Janet reflexively backed away, but she stopped herself before she could take more than a few steps. She stole a glance over Minerva's shoulder at her employer, but Clover was still too busy rubbing her tickly nose to be of any help.

 

"Don't be scared," the inquisitor teased, gently touching the tip of her finger between Janet's eyes. "You'll be all finished soon." Minerva slowly slid her finger down the slope of Janet's nose, and the mage crossed her eyes to follow it. Janet blushed as she felt the inquisitor start to push the tip of her nose around in a small circle, but Minerva soon stopped and held up her feather once more. Swallowing nervously, Janet held her breath as she felt the tip of the feather touch her septum. Her nose was rather large, but in spite of that her nostrils were actually quite small. If nothing else, she hoped that would give the inquisitor's feather less to work with.

 

Janet scrunched up her nose as the feather stroked her septum, but it didn't have nearly the same effect on her as it had on Clover. She was still worried, but the young mage was starting to feel a tiny glimmer of hope. Janet had a lot of practice with holding in her magic when she sneezed, despite Minerva's claims that it was impossible. If she only had to sneeze once or twice, she was confident she would be able to keep her magic at bay.

 

The inquisitor stopped tickling Janet's septum and began to trace the mage's nostrils, just as she had with Clover. Janet wrinkled her nose and reflexively raised an outstretched finger to rub underneath it, but Minerva gently held her wrist to keep her hand away. After a moment of thought, Janet decided there was no use in holding back. The sooner she sneezed, the easier it would be to hide her magic. She flared her small nostrils as wide as she could, allowing the tip of the feather to slip inside. It slid teasingly over a few of Janet's nose hairs, and she quickly started to feel a sneeze coming on.

 

"Ahh..."

 

Janet drew a shaky breath, her mouth hanging open. She fought to keep one eye from closing, sure she would see Minerva smiling at her. Before she could take notice, her vision became hazy and she quickly abandoned the thought. Allowing the tickle in her nose to win over, Janet devoted all of her concentration into making sure she kept her magic at bay.

 

"Hah... Aaahhhh... Ha-CHHHhhh!"

 

With a breathy but gentle sneeze, Janet's head bobbed downward. Some of her black hair fell in front of her eyes, but no other misfortune befell her. She resisted the urge to breathe a sigh of relief, but she remained delighted that she managed to keep from casting any spells. Without bothering to fix her hair, Janet raised her outstretched finger once more and rubbed back and forth under her nose, causing the tip to squish from side to side. Before she could finish rubbing the tickle out of her nostrils, however, Minerva suddenly grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away.

 

"Aren't we finished?" asked Clover, still pressing the handkerchief to her nostrils. The inquisitor shrugged, glancing at the shopkeeper before turning back to Janet.

 

"I believe it would be best to have one more sneeze for good measure, no?" she said, giving the young mage a smile. "After all, my inspection must be thorough."

 

Before Janet could protest, she felt the inquisitor's feather twirling its way up her left nostril. She gasped for breath, and she tried as hard as she could to hold back her magic once more. Minerva was tickling her nose much more fiercely, and even if she only sneezed one more time, Janet wasn't sure if she could control herself again.

 

"Are you trying to resist?" asked Minerva, raising an eyebrow in amusement. She twirled the feather back and forth inside her victim's nostril, causing her to gasp and shudder. Janet shakily raised a finger up to her nose again, but the inquisitor slapped it away just as before.

 

"I-I..." Janet stuttered, struggling to open her eyes. Amused with the young mage's distress, Minerva removed the feather and allowed Janet to rub her nose for a second. Before Janet could rub her nose enough for any real relief, the inquisitor slapped her hand once again and resumed tickling. Her small nostrils twitched as the tip of the feather skittered around their edges, and then they flared helplessly when Minerva began to tickle inside.

 

"Surely you have nothing to hide," the inquisitor teased, grinning to herself. Janet shook her head, both to answer Minerva and to escape the feather for a second. Once she stopped, the inquisitor resumed tickling twice as fiercely before. Minerva plunged the feather up into Janet's left nostril, swirling it around as vigorously as she could.

 

"Oh, stop wasting my time!" she commanded, giving the feather a sharp twist. Janet took a deep breath and threw back her head, her willpower finally depleted. Her nostrils had already endured more tickling than she could handle, and now they were no longer under her control. The mage felt her magic starting to collect inside her nose, and she knew it would all be over soon.

 

"Ahhh... Haaahhh... Haaa'CHHHHHH!!!"

 

Janet sneezed harshly, blowing a powerful whirlwind out her nostrils. The wave of air hit the inquisitor with enough force to send her flying backward. Minerva slammed into the far wall and hit her head against a bookshelf, knocking her unconscious. Janet's sneeze had been so powerful that even she stumbled and fell down, leaving Clover the only one standing.

 

"Janet?" exclaimed the shopkeeper, sliding to her knees next to the mage. "Janet, are you alright? What happened?"

 

Unable to control herself, Janet prepared to unleash another sneeze. Clover noticed her employee's nostrils flaring, and she quickly pressed a finger under Janet's nose in an attempt to stop her.

 

"Haah... Ihhhh-!"

 

"Janet, no! Don't sneeze again!"

 

"AHH-CHHH!!!"

 

Despite her best efforts, Janet sneezed. Another whirlwind was blown out of her nostrils, but luckily this one was smaller. Clover was knocked on her back, but she quickly recovered and sat up. She stared at Janet with a blank expression, watching the young mage rub a finger under her large nose, her bangs fallen over her eyes.

 

"Sorry..." Janet whimpered, unable to bring herself to make eye contact with Clover. She knew that not only would she be wanted as a mage, but now Clover would be wanted for harboring a fugitive as well. Pulling her knees up to her chest, Janet wrapped her arms around her legs and sighed, pondering what she should to next. Her thought process was suddenly broken, however, when she felt something warm and heavy drape around her shoulders.

 

Looking up to see Clover standing above her, Janet found herself wearing Minerva's inquisition coat. Clover helped the mage to her feet and smiled. Feeling confused, Janet gently rubbed her tickly nose and looked herself over.

 

"Miss Clover? I-"

 

"Don't worry," Clover interrupted, touching a finger to Janet's lips. "Just wear this coat and everyone will leave you alone. It'll give you enough time to get out of town, and you can start over someplace else."

 

"But what about you?" asked Janet, flicking the tip of her nose up with her finger and then pulling the coat tight around her body. Clover shrugged and rubbed a finger under her own nose with a smile.

 

"I'm sure I'll figure something out. I was getting tired of selling books anyway."

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And so we come to an end. As always I'd love to hear any feedback if you have it, but above all I hope you enjoyed reading!

[Chanel_no5]

Ooooh, I was wondering where you've been off to! Nice to see you, and nice to read such a lovely fic.

Magic and sneezing, what more can you ask for in life?

No mage can sneeze without casting a spell.

I love this line.

[sn12345678987654321]

Thanks. I like your stories. Always something creative. And so holiday appropriate.

Happy Halloween!

[NoV]

I can't help but love any story that involves sneezes putting people in peril - the desperation of not wanting to sneeze in this situation just kills me

Thanks for posting Blah, a pleasure to read as always

[SpamKey]

This might have been intentional, but iread the title the same way one would read "No one expects the spanish inquisition!"

Anyway, this was really good! I always love your fics, they're so creative!

[Shay]

This might have been intentional, but iread the title the same way one would read "No one expects the spanish inquisition!"

This is exactly what I was thinking, and I suspect that it was intentional given the presence of an inquisitor in the story.

Anyway, this was a fun read. Thanks for sharing it.

[black_mage]

I can't help but love any story that involves sneezes putting people in peril - the desperation of not wanting to sneeze in this situation just kills me

Same here. I liked the anticipation of the sneezes, the setting and the magical elements (so pretty much everything), thanks for sharing this.

[Pearlised]

So good!!!!!

All your stories are gold, Blah and I ADORE feather torture :D
Your characters are so great and so is your writing!!

[March Hare]

The title of this story, sir, is legendary. You win the pun-ternet.

[Oolia]

The premise of this story is so unique, I absolutely love it! And you even wrote the antagonist, Minerva, with an interesting personality of her own. She reminds me of some kind of old nanny, but a bit (ok, a lot) twisted

Once again, you are the master of pacing and describing the scene so damn perfectly with JUST enough words!

Also, where do I apply to be an inquisitor?

[sauce]

I'm so nervous admitting it but I adore these types of stories. Especially with feathers. >////<

...I just noticed what you did with the title you scAMP

[zneeze]

Great to read a new story from you, Blah! Another great marriage of fantasy and fetish elements, as agreed upon above Really neat story idea and neat way to incorporate the concept of sneeze torture. Thanks as always!