Magical Creature Control (F, Secret Santa for AnonyMouse)

[Blah!?]

@AnonyMouse GUESS WHAT.

I may or may not have been able to glean useful information from all the random conversations we've had recently. I swear I wasn't actually trying to secretly interrogate you, but it just worked out really well that we talked a lot about preferences and stuff. Now I just hope I actually went in on the right things. I feel really awkward about writing fanfiction unless I have an idea that's totally perfect, so I thought maybe it would be better to write something original that draws thematically from some of the fandoms you asked for. I do still feel kind of bad that I couldn't do a Kate McKinnon story though. Hopefully this will be okay instead.

Enjoy!

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The City of Selsmire was never a quiet place. Something was always happening, from the most desolate slum in the lowest district to the most ornate mansion in the highest. Stefania Windridge and Bridget Redkeep, proprietors of Magical Creature Control, were somewhere in between. They liked to brag that their work took them all over the city, but virtually all of their clients wound up being somewhere in one of Selsmire’s middle wards. Today, a modest crowd of people had gathered around a small house, collectively wincing at each shout and crash emanating from inside.

Bridget let out an annoyed groan as she completed her twenty-seventh lap around the dining room table, giving chase to an infuriatingly agile pixie. She swung her net at the creature, but as always it managed to dart out of the way at the last moment. Gritting her teeth, Bridget suppressed a yell of frustration and kicked one of the table legs as she ran past.

“Any day now, Stef!” grumbled Bridget, starting to mindlessly flail her net at the pixie. Stefania gave a quiet sigh from under the table.

“Patience,” she said tersely, earning another growl from her partner. Still, she decided there was no time like the present to act. Just as Bridget was about to reach her end of the table again, Stefania slid out from beneath it and sprang up to her feet. She lifted a jar and tried to hold it level with the approaching pixie, but her grip faltered and she dropped the container to the floor.

Stefania clumsily bent over to pick up the jar, but at the same time the pixie tried to dive between her legs and continue its escape. The tiny flying creature collided with the bridge of Stefania’s nose, accidentally releasing an enormous cloud of pixie dust. Bridget slowed to a stop, too amused to do anything but watch as the glittering dust disappeared up her partner’s nostrils.

“Aahh…”

The pixie waved its arms to clear the air, and then it looked upon Stefania’s scrunched-up face in terror. It shook its head and frantically gestured at the human, begging her not to sneeze, but it was already far too late. Stefania puckered her lips and wrinkled the base of her nose around in a circle, and the pixie simply covered its face and waited for the inevitable.

“Haahh… Ah-Ahhh-Ah’tSHHIEEW!!!”

From her unbalanced squatting position, Stefania’s sneeze sent her tumbling backward. She landed on her bottom with an uncomfortable thud, and she remained oblivious to the rest of the world for a moment as she furiously rubbed two fingers underneath her nose. The remaining pixie dust crackled on her skin, both inside and outside of her nose, but the irritation only lasted for a few more seconds. When she finally opened her eyes, Stefania adjusted her large, round glasses and put on a smug smile when she saw that her sneeze had also blown the pixie into the jar. The device had automatically sealed itself once the pixie was inside, successfully trapping the creature.

“Great job, Stef,” chuckled Bridget as she picked up the jar. The pixie angrily pounded on the glass, but Bridget smirked evilly and vigorously shook the jar, knocking the creature down in another cloud of dust.

“A ‘bless you,’ would be nice,” Stefania groaned, placing her fingers under her tickly nose again. Bridget rolled her eyes and smiled, extending a hand down to her fallen partner.

“Whatever, bless you.”

Stefania and Bridget continued to hold hands for a moment, and then they pulled each other into a victory hug, leaving the captive pixie sandwiched in between. After stuffing the jar into Stefania’s bag, the two companions exited the house and collected their payment from the owner. A few people in the crowd clapped and cheered, but most of them quietly left now that there wasn’t any commotion to watch. Money in hand, Stefania and Bridget started to make their way back to their office, oblivious to the short, plump man who had started running after them.

“Excuse me,” he said, waving a hand at the women. Still they didn’t notice, prompting the man to hop up in the air and wave both arms.

“Excuse me!”

Finally realizing that they were being followed, Stefania and Bridget turned and gazed down at their pursuer. He sheepishly waved a third time.

“Hello, excuse me, I’m Henry Richmore. Are you two Magical Creature Control?”

“Yep, that’s us!” proclaimed Bridget, putting her left arm around Stefania and pointing at herself with her right. “I’m Bridget, and I’m the muscle! This is Stefania, and she’s our bignose, foureyes and know-it-all!”

Bridget poked the squishy tip of Stefania’s nose, prompting her to slap her friend’s hand away and frown.

“I have asked you repeatedly not to call me ‘bignose,’” Stefania grumbled with a pout. Bridget smirked and rolled her eyes.

“So you’re fine with ‘foureyes’ and ‘know-it-all’ then?”

Stefania paused for a moment before giving an apathetic shrug. Henry looked back and forth between the women in confusion before waving a hand at them again.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have a job I’d like to discuss with you.”

Stefania and Bridget’s ears perked up and they immediately gave the man their full attention.

“I’m the owner of the Serene Aurora Inn, and I have a bit of an infestation. I was told you two could help me.”

“I’m sure we can, Mister Richmore!” beamed Bridget, smiling happily as Stefania remained stoic. “Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! No job is too big, no fee is too large! What seems to be the problem?”

“Well, you see, it’s a bit odd,” said Henry, tugging at his collar. “It’s a spriggan…”

Stefania twitched, but Bridget remained as excited as ever.

“No problem, my good sir! Just show us where your inn is, and we’ll take care of it! No matter the pest-”

“Except spriggans,” Stefania interrupted, turning away. Henry began to sweat nervously and Bridget gave him an awkward smile. She held up a finger and then stepped away to join her partner.

“What’s the matter with you, Stef? What’s the big deal?” whispered Bridget as she put an arm around Stefania’s shoulder again.

“No spriggans,” Stefania protested, avoiding eye contact.

“What even is a spriggan, anyway?” chuckled Bridget. “Some kind of tree person?”

“Exactly! How does an entire spriggan even get into the city, let alone some inn, without anybody noticing?”

“Who cares? Stef, it’s not our job to ask questions. Our job is to catch magical creatures and get paid! Now, will you do it?”

“No.”

“Aw, come on! What’s the matter?”

“Spriggans give me hay fever.”

Bridget let out an amused snort.

“Oh, quit being such a bignose, Stef!” she teased, prodding the side of her partner’s nose. Stefania suddenly shoved Bridget away, raising her voice far above her previous whisper.

“Don’t call me that!”

Henry watched in a mixture of worry and confusion as the ladies continued to squabble back and forth. Bridget kept trying to give Stefania a hug, but each time Stefania responded with another shove. Eventually Bridget managed to grab her partner from behind and drag her back to the innkeeper, holding Stefania tight as she wordlessly flailed her limbs.

“We’ll do it!” exclaimed Bridget, earning an angry growl from her partner. “But Stefania really does get hay fever, so I’m afraid we’ll have to charge a premium.”

Henry blinked.

“I-I don’t see how I could refuse.”

“Great! How does that sound, Stef? We’re gonna get paid a bonus!”

Stefania continued throwing a tantrum, leading Bridget to emit a concerned hum. After pursing her lips for a second, she turned back to Henry with another idea.

“Does your inn have a spa or anything like that? A bathhouse?”

“Of course. We have a fully equipped hot spring-”

“Good! Good. I think my partner would be very happy if you let her partake of your hot spring for a while.”

Stefania suddenly froze, her arms and legs still splayed.

“It’s yours for the rest of the day!” offered Henry, still in a panic. Stefania regained her composure and loudly cleared her throat.

“And you can spend the night, free of charge!”

Stefania finally turned to face Bridget and Henry, her face still at the edge of a scowl. She sighed and pinched the long bridge of her nose, nudging her spectacles up onto her forehead.

“I regret this already. Let’s go before I change my mind.”

Henry led the way to the Serene Aurora Inn, feeling a bit nervous as Stefania stomped along a few paces behind him. Still, he would have been nervous anyway, and even if one of the exterminators was unwilling, he was in a better position than he would have been without them. Upon arriving at the inn, Henry found it more or less as he had left it. Now, however, thin clouds of glittering pollen were beginning to leak out around the windows and doors.

“Come on, Stef!” encouraged Bridget. “This is going to be fun!”

“You and I define fun very differently,” grumbled Stefania, already starting to rub her nose.

Seeming to forget all about the man who had hired her in the first place, Bridget skipped up to the inn’s front door and beckoned. Stefania rolled her eyes, but she begrudgingly followed. Standing beside the door, she sniffed softly and began rubbing her nose even harder. Eventually Stefania’s attention wandered, and Bridget giggled silently as her partner began to squint. Suddenly Stefania sucked in a deep gasp and threw back her head, but before she could sneeze, Bridget jabbed the tip of her nose with a finger. Then, before Stefania could grab her by the neck, Bridget tore open the door and slipped into the inn.

“Whoa,” said Bridget with a nervous chuckle, the interior of the inn taking her by surprise. There was no major damage, but vines and branches had started to grow over the walls and furniture, and the sparkly pollen was much thicker than outside. Stefania wobbled up beside her companion, panting as she teetered on the edge of another sneeze.

“Ehhh… Heh-Hehh!”

Mischievously eyeing Stefania, Bridget waited until the last second. Then, just as her partner was about to sneeze, Bridget playfully slipped a finger underneath Stefania’s flaring nostrils. Stefania didn’t seem to notice, and a moment later she sneezed anyway.

“Heii’SHHIEEEW!”

“Aw, bless you!” cooed Bridget, keeping her finger under Stefania’s nose.

“Ihh! CHHIEEW!”

After sneezing a second time, Stefania finally realized what was happening. She shoved Bridget away for what felt like the tenth time of the hour, and then she began to obsessively rub two fingers back and forth under her itchy nose.

“Don’t tease me!” she whined. “I’ll leave you here!”

“No you won’t! You love me too much!”

“Yes I wihh… Hihh! Ih’pSHEEEW!”

Bridget laughed as Stefania groaned in self-pity, but they both fell silent as they heard a suspicious noise coming from directly behind. It sounded undeniably similar to creaking wood, with a bit of near-silent jingling mixed in. The duo slowly turned around, Stefania still unconsciously rubbing under her nose, and they found themselves face to face with what could only have been the spriggan invading the inn. Just as Bridget had said earlier, it resembled a person made entirely of wood and vines. Its face was made of an eerily expressive slab of bark, complete with human-like facial features and wispy green eyes.

The spriggan suddenly twitched toward Bridget, prompting her to scream and fall backwards. She scrambled away on all fours until she caught sight of a large meat cleaver on the counter of the inn’s open kitchen. Bridget rolled toward the potential weapon, but a mass of vines shot forth from the spriggan’s left arm and coiled around her, catching her in mid air. She writhed and struggled as the vines slowly lowered her toward the floor, and she could feel them tightening around her slowly but steadily.

“Uh, any bright ideas, Stef?” said Bridget with a breathless grumble. Unfortunately, Stefania was too busy trying not to sneeze again.

“Hahh… Ah-Ahh-Ahhh-! Haa-CHHHWW!”

Stefania snapped forward, muffling a forceful sneeze with her cupped hands. Her eyes fluttered behind her glasses and then they shot wide open when she realized the spriggan had turned all of its attention to her. She remained frozen with her hands still covering her nose until another set of vines grew from the spriggan and carefully pulled her arms away. Stefania could only stare as the spriggan swayed subtly, drawing ever closer. Before long, she inhaled yet another cloud of the strange being’s equally strange pollen, causing an all too familiar reaction.

“Hehh! Hhh-! Hh-Hehh-Ehhh!”

The spriggan suddenly froze as Stefania struggled against a building sneeze. The scholarly human might have liked to observe the creature were she not a victim of scrutiny herself. Tilting its head to the side, the spriggan slowly draped its gaze across Stefania’s face. It watched her eyebrows arch, her eyes flutter, her nostrils flare and her mouth gape, and then it recoiled slightly as Stefania burst forth with a loud “Heei’kSHHEEEW!”

Keeping her eyes squeezed shut, Stefania subconsciously noticed that the vines binding her arms had fallen away. She brought a hand up to her nostrils and rubbed as hard as she possibly could, squashing the base of her nose from side to side with two fingers and then pressing all of it upward with the palm of her hand. After what felt like an eternity of scrubbing at her nose, Stefania finally opened her eyes. The spriggan was still mere feet away, but this time Stefania wasn’t quite so startled to see it.

Somehow Stefania managed to maintain her composure as the woodland creature lifted its vine-like fingers and carefully touched her face. She remained indescribably frustrated that the spriggan gave off dense clouds of pollen wherever it went, but her anger was beginning to fade away. To Stefania’s amazement, she was starting to feel more intrigued by the second. The spriggan slowly stroked its hand down the side of Stefania’s face, looseing some of her hair from behind an ear and pulling her glasses down to the tip of her nose. Stefania reflexively placed a finger on the bridge of her spectacles and pushed them back up, earning a curious head tilt from the spriggan. She almost smiled, at least before another urge to sneeze took over.

“Hahh… Ah-Ahhh-!”

The spriggan held up both hands as if it was searching for a way to help, but it could only watch as its human acquaintance struggled. Stefania firmly rubbed her fingers under her nose, holding her breath for as long as she could between gasps. She briefly squeezed her nostrils, keeping them shut for a few seconds before giving up and allowing her sneeze to come forth.

“Aah-! Haah’tSHHIEEEW!”

 

Stefania doubled over with the force of her sneeze, and she quickly raised her fingers to her nose as she straightened up. Before she could resume rubbing her nostrils, however, she felt something unfamiliar slide underneath them. Opening her eyes, Stefania discovered that the spriggan had placed one of its vine-like fingers under her nose, and then it began to gently rub back and forth. Finally Stefania managed a genuine smile, and she gave a nod to encourage the creature. She forgot all about her hay fever and her frustration, and she began to daydream about just how much she could learn from the spriggan.

At least until a shining slab of metal rose above the creature’s head and then came crashing down on top of it. Stefania gasped in horror, placing her hands over her mouth as the cleaver struck the spriggan’s head a second time. She remained speechless as the blade continued chopping away, and before long the creature finally burst, collapsing in a pile of sticks and bark. Bridget stood opposite Stefania, the meat cleaver hanging daintily in her right hand.

“You… You killed it!” wheezed Stefania, her voice barely a whine. Bridget giggled with a shrug.

“I sure did! Bridget saves the day again!”

Stefania held up a hand to protest, but a residual sneeze prevented her from interfering as Bridget knelt down and gathered up the spriggan’s remains.

“Brihh… Ihh-! Hihh’gCHIEEW!”

“Aw, bless you!”

Bridget poked the pronounced tip of Stefania’s nose with one of the spriggan’s twigs. Normally this would have caused yet another outburst, but now Stefania could only whimper. She sank to her knees in defeat as Bridget carried the sticks and bark across the inn and tossed them into the fireplace, unable to do anything but stare blankly at the wall.

Meanwhile, Henry Richmore remained forgotten as he stood outside of his own inn. He continued to sweat in nervous silence as the sun sank below the horizon, wringing his hands and tugging at his collar. When the crickets began to chirp, he finally dragged himself up to the door and gave a knock.

“Hello? Miss Bridget? Miss Stefania? Are you finished?”

His calls fell on deaf ears as Bridget and Stefania had long since left the lobby behind. Completely forgetting about the very man who had hired them, Bridget headed upstairs to prepare a room, and Stefania immediately claimed the bath she had been promised, once she regained the ability to walk at least. She didn’t care if the spring water would make her overheat. All she wanted to do was sit with the water over her shoulders, close her eyes and relax.

Fragrant herbal steam filled the Serene Aurora’s spa, but Stefania’s nostrils remained blocked from the aroma. The steam was gradually clearing her congestion, but for the time being the insides of her nose were still soggy and prickly. Stefania lifted one hand out of the water and quickly rubbed under her nose, sniffing harshly afterward. Her congestion shifted, but it only made her wrinkle her nose and rub it again. Sharp tickles blossomed all over her nasal passages, and Stefania cupped her hands over her nose just in time to cover a firm “Haah-CHHHWW!”

“Bless you!” said a soft voice from behind. Already knowing it was Bridget, Stefania didn’t bother turning around. She was still upset with her companion over what had happened earlier, though she had yet to voice her complaints in any manner that Bridget would understand. Stefania simply sniffled and rubbed her nose once more.

“Try sticking your nose in the water!” suggested Bridget, carefully stepping into the bath herself. “I bet it’ll clear you right up!”

“That’s absurd, Bridget,” Stefania grumbled, keeping her eyes closed.

“Okay, how about this?”

Stefania suddenly felt Bridget’s fingers under her chin, prompting her to open her eyes. Her vision was blurry, both from the steam filling the room and from having removed her glasses, but she could still clearly tell that Bridget was standing over her. Stefania remained speechless as Bridget gently lifted her face and then leaned in close. Without giving her partner any time to protest, Bridget closed her eyes and softly kissed Stefania’s nose just above the tip.

Feeling Bridget’s cool lips on her nose made Stefania realize just how hot and blocked her nostrils really were. The tickling inside was immediately rekindled, and the only warning Stefania could give was a sudden, shrill gasp.

“Hihh-! Ihh-SHEEEW!”

Bridget recoiled and blinked rapidly as Stefania sneezed in her face, but afterward she could only smile and giggle. She had been trying her best to stay reserved for Stefania’s sake, but now she wanted to have fun. Giving a hearty laugh, Bridget dropped into the bath, giving Stefania a splash. Some of the herbal water rushed into Stefania’s nose as it washed over her face. At first it made her cough, but to her amazement it quickly began to ease her congestion too. Bridget gave her partner a big hug, and Stefania couldn’t help but smile.

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And that about does it. Again, I really hope you liked this! Happy holidays, and thanks for reading!

[Shay]

This was a very interesting original story. It was a fun read that I would have enjoyed even without the sneezing. I did feel rather bad for he spriggan in the end, though.

[Oolia]

This has Blah's signature uniqueness/lighthearted fun written all over it, I love it!

On 12/18/2016 at 7:27 PM, Blah!? said:

Stefania regained her composure and loudly cleared her throat.

“And you can spend the night, free of charge!”

I love how she used the hayfever to get as much "premium" as possible out of the poor innkeeper haha.

 

On 12/18/2016 at 7:27 PM, Blah!? said:

The spriggan held up both hands as if it was searching for a way to help, but it could only watch as its human acquaintance struggled. Stefania firmly rubbed her fingers under her nose, holding her breath for as long as she could between gasps. She briefly squeezed her nostrils, keeping them shut for a few seconds before giving up and allowing her sneeze to come forth.

“Aah-! Haah’tSHHIEEEW!”

It's adorable how the spriggan is just trying to help, not understanding that its causing the problem in the first place

 

On 12/18/2016 at 7:27 PM, Blah!? said:

At least until a shining slab of metal rose above the creature’s head and then came crashing down on top of it. Stefania gasped in horror, placing her hands over her mouth as the cleaver struck the spriggan’s head a second time. She remained speechless as the blade continued chopping away, and before long the creature finally burst, collapsing in a pile of sticks and bark. Bridget stood opposite Stefania, the meat cleaver hanging daintily in her right hand.

Nooooooooo  I wasn't expecting that at all lmao!

Fun story once again Blah! I love the fantasy-style take on a Ghostbusters-like story, and you integrated the sneezing perfectly!

[creative_duck]

OH my gosh, that was great. What a creative idea!

[NoV]

Nice story with some great sneezy outbursts  Chopping up spriggans brings back happy memories of exploring Skyrim  

[Erias397]

On ‎12‎/‎24‎/‎2016 at 5:46 AM, NoV said:

Nice story with some great sneezy outbursts  Chopping up spriggans brings back happy memories of exploring Skyrim  

Indeed it does, my friend... Indeed it does.

[mysterysneeze]

Sneezy scenarios involving fantasy related elements either for the sneezer themselves or something fantasy related causing a sneeze is slowly becoming one of my all time favorite sneeze related things. I love the main duo. I'm stunned that the creature was taken out like that. I think it was neat to see Stefania not just sneezy, but also sympathetic and curious about the creature, even if that creature was the cause of her sneezy reactions. I like how she would rub her nose and not just automatically go in sneezing fits. She at least tried to hold back.

I enjoyed this story a lot! ^^ Thank you for writing it.