Female That Thing Humans Do (F)

[Blah!?]

Oh look, another D&D-inspired story. I'm sure you must all be at a loss for words.

This one is very light on actual D&D mechanics, but it's inspired by the relationships that warlock characters have with their patrons. Usually it's some powerful evil being that grants you special abilities, but sometimes they're less evil and more weird. The idea for this was also directly taken from a "pact ideas" blog on tumblr. I feel like I should credit them,  but I also don't want to lead to them being swarmed by a bunch of fetishists. I'm about 99% sure they're not a fetish blog, and this one post was their only fetishy idea, or at least for our fetish.

And here we go again...

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The sun had set over the city of Rimehollow. The streets were silent, and the only light came from the torches carried by the patrolling city guards. After one such guard turned a corner around the lavish Rorisk Estate, a shadow passed overhead. The guard paused as the whisper of leather on wood just barely reached his ears, but he continued on after glancing back at the empty street behind him.

 

Lylah Fair peeked over the edge of the balcony as the patrolman walked away. She mouthed an exaggerated “phew!” and wiped some imaginary sweat from her brow before turning to the door behind her with a big smile. Reaching into her satchel, the thief removed her tools and effortlessly sprung the door open without a sound. Finding herself in the Rorisk’s master bedroom, Lylah’s smile grew even wider as she crept across the floor.

 

Though she moved in near complete silence, Lylah still stole the occasional glance at the bed. Mister and Missus continued to snore peacefully, but it never hurt to be careful. Once she arrived at the closet, Lylah checked the door for traps or alarms. To her delight, it wasn’t even locked. Resisting the urge to laugh outright, she slowly opened the closet and slipped inside.

 

Dresses. Dresses as far as the eye could see. Lylah shrugged and began to sift through them, keeping her eyes on the wall and floor behind the garments. As she drew closer to the back corner of the closet, however, Lady Rorisk’s old, neglected finery began to loose an almost invisible haze of dust whenever they shifted. Finally realizing what was happening, Lylah froze.

 

The thief held her breath, but she soon discovered it was far too late for such simple measures. Her wide, triangular nostrils were already full of dust, twitching and flaring against Lylah’s will.

 

“Hhh-!”

 

Lylah’s breath gave the tiniest hitch, the first sound she’d made all night. She brought a hand to her face and daintily waved up and down in front of her nose. A futile gesture, but force of habit was hard to resist at times like this. Once she realized she was past the point of no return, Lylah shifted her hand and firmly pressed her fingers against the underside of her nose, hoping to muffle the sound as best she could.

 

“Ah-HNnt! Choo…”

 

The thief stood frozen in place for what felt like hours. In reality only a few seconds had passed since her tiny, stifled sneeze, but she wasn’t about to take any further risks. Eventually the sounds of snoring once again reached Lylah’s strained ears. After fighting off a sigh of relief, she returned to her work, this time keeping a finger under her nostrils to protect them from any more dust.

 

The inside of the closet was nearly pitch dark, but Lylah’s devil sight allowed her to see nearly as clear as day. One of many newfound gifts to aid in her endeavors. Sure enough, she located an imperfection in the closet wall. She pushed against it with one of her lockpicks, not wanting to leave so much as a fingerprint, and a hidden compartment beside it slid open. Even in the darkness, Lylah’s eyes glittered as she gazed upon what lay inside.

 

After putting everything back just as she had found it, Lylah emerged from the closet. She clasped an ornate gold and emerald egg in her left hand, and as careful as she had been so far, she couldn’t resist the urge to give it a playful toss. The thief silently strutted back to the balcony door, and as she passed by the bed, she briefly stopped to blow a kiss to her marks. Then, when she turned away from the Rorisks, Lylah collided with an imposing figure who had somehow gone unnoticed.

 

Lylah gave a tiny gasp of surprise, but she otherwise maintained her composure. She silently slid away across the floor, shifting the egg in her left hand behind her back as her right hand went for her dagger. Once she got a better look at her unexpected visitor, however, she relaxed slightly.

 

“Hello!” greeted the unnaturally tall satyr, spreading his arms in a warm, friendly gesture.

 

Only slightly.

 

“ShhhhHHHH!”

 

Lylah shushed him so violently that a bit of spittle flew from her lips. Acknowledging the human’s request, the archfey closed his eyes with a nod, softly patted his chest with one hand, and then he reached out toward the Rorisks as they lay in bed. The sounds of snoring vanished, and as Lylah peered through the darkness, Mister and Missus appeared to be frozen in time. Now, the sweat she wiped from her brow was real.

 

“Whoa… What are you doing here?” Lylah asked, falling to the floor as she gave in to her initial shock. The satyr smiled, pulled the thief back to her feet, and gave her a nearly smothering hug.

 

“I just wanted to see you again!” he boomed, squeezing Lylah against his bare chest.

 

“It’s… Good to see you too, Hyrsam,” Lylah replied, gingerly patting him on the back with her free hand.

 

Hyrsam, Prince of Fools. He and Lylah had first met just over a year ago when she found herself trapped in the feywild and saw fit to steal from him. Impressed with Lylah’s tenacity, instead of turning her to dust on the spot, Hyrsam not only returned Lylah to the material plane, but he also offered to become her patron, granting her supernatural abilities to use as she saw fit. This came with the condition that he would occasionally call upon her to do his bidding, but with no other way to get home, Lylah accepted with no regrets.

 

“So, my dear,” Hyrsam said, releasing Lylah from his hug, “I was wondering if you might do something for me.”

 

“Do I have a choice?” Lylah asked an unamused stare. Hyrsam blinked, and then he threw back his head with a bellowing laugh.

 

“Of course! This would just be no fun at all if your heart’s not in it!”

 

Lylah sighed, then she placed her right hand on her hip and gave an amused smirk.

 

“Alright, what is it?”

 

“Well, you see, I’ve been telling my friends in the feywild all about you. I’d be ever so grateful if I could introduce you to them, and perhaps you could do… That thing.”

 

“That thing?” Lylah asked, wrinkling her nose. Hyrsam nodded fervently.

 

“Yes! You know, that… That thing... That humans do.”

 

Lylah pursed her lips.

 

“Humans do a lot of things.”

 

“You just did it not but a moment ago!” Hyrsam said, his eyes pleading. “Now, what was it called…”

 

“Stealing?” Lylah asked flatly.

 

“No.”

 

“Breaking and entering?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you sure? Because those are both very human things to do.”

 

“Of course they are. But I can steal just as well.”

 

Lylah’s eyes went wide as Hyrsam held up the gold emerald egg. She frantically reached for it, only for the satyr to draw it back. Giving up, the thief folded her arms and pouted. Smiling playfully, Hyrsam relaxed and held the egg between himself and Lylah.

 

“Now, I shall give back what you have rightfully stolen if you can just help me-”

 

“Eht’SHU!”

 

Helpless to stop herself, Lylah sneezed in Hyrsam’s face. She took a second to rub a finger under her nose, and once she opened her eyes, she found the satyr staring at her incredulously. Starting to blush, the thief withdrew slightly and rubbed her nose again.

 

“S-sorry. I had some dust in my-”

 

“Oh, you’re wonderful!” Hyrsam exclaimed, scooping Lylah up in another hug. “That’s it! That’s the thing!”

 

Lylah stared blankly at the ceiling as Hyrsam rocked her back and forth. Then, she began to laugh. Once the reality of her situation dawned on her, however, her expression sank and she went limp.

 

“...You want me to sneeze for your friends?”

 

Hyrsam released her and held her at arm’s length.

 

“Would you?”

 

Lylah wrinkled her nose.

 

“Sure, I guess?”

 

“Oh, bless you!”

 

Lylah gave a snort of laughter as Hyrsam pulled her into another hug, not sure if he realized what he’d said. She then felt a sudden shift in temperature and humidity, and when Hyrsam released her again, Lylah found herself standing in a small clearing surrounded by strange, colorful plants. Lylah shivered, feeling a mixture of excitement and fear. One always remembers a visit to the feywild. Unless of course strange magics cause you to forget you were ever there.

 

Turning around, Lylah watched as Hyrsam peeked through a curtain of vines and leaves. His fuzzy satyr legs were still bare, but his upper body was clad in what appeared to be the top half of a tuxedo. Once he withdrew from the curtain, he gave Lylah a smile.

 

“I think they’re ready for you. Ah! Almost forgot…”

 

Hyrsam waved a hand at Lylah, giving his fingers a slight curl. The thief felt a tingle cover every inch of her body, and when she looked down at herself, she saw that her rugged leather armor had been replaced. Instead Lylah was clad in a fine pearl-white dress, forming a pleasing contrast with her dark skin. Although it was likely an illusion, this was still easily the nicest dress she’d ever worn, and she couldn’t help but let out an excited giggle. After clearing her throat, Lylah daintily held the sides of her dress and gave Hyrsam her best approximation of a formal curtsey. The satyr bowed in return, and when he straightened, a bouquet of feywild flowers appeared in his hand. Hyrsam handed it to Lylah, and then he led his human companion through the curtain and onto a white wooden stage.

 

The sound of quiet wealthy-people clapping filled the air as Hyrsam and guest emerged. For all  her bravado, Lylah actually felt rather bashful as she turned to the crowd and waved. The stage was still in the great feywild outdoors, with rows of chairs set up on the grass. Most were filled with tall, thin figures that resembled elves, albeit with pale green skin and more alien features. Among them were several more satyrs, a centaur, and one of the front row seats was occupied by what appeared to be a goldfish. Not in a bowl or pool, but simply laying motionless on the base of its chair.

 

“Greetings, my friends!” Hyrsam began in his larger-than-life voice. “I’ve told you many stories, but none of them can truly compare to seeing her in the flesh! I’d like you all to meet… Er… What was your name again?”

 

“It’s Lylah!” the thief growled at Hyrsam, playfully swatting him with her bouquet. The audience laughed and applauded, the goldfish flopping up and down on its chair. Once the crowd began to settle, Hyrsam leaned in close to Lylah’s ear and whispered.

 

“Alright, go ahead.”

 

“You want me to sneeze?” she asked, feeling the onset of the most bizarre case of stage fright. Hyrsam nodded expectantly, and Lylah resolved to do her best.

 

Though she still felt rather shy about the whole affair, Lylah took a step toward the edge of the stage. She closed her eyes, then she wrinkled her nose and sniffed. A few seconds passed in silence. The thief sniffed again, twice this time, and she wiggled her nose back and forth. Lylah let out her held breath and slumped over, turning to Hyrsam with an apologetic frown.

 

“I… Can’t do it on command.”

 

Fortunately Hyrsam didn’t seem disappointed. Still smiling brightly, he turned to the crowd and held up his hands.

 

“She can’t do it on command!”

 

To Lylah’s surprise, the audience wasn’t put out either. She even heard a few oohs and aahs, as if they were somehow actually impressed by her inability to sneeze.

 

“Well, um,” Lylah spoke up, prompting Hyrsam to turn back to her. “Humans usually only sneeze if something goes into our nose.”

 

Hyrsam suddenly shoved his index finger into Lylah’s left nostril.

 

“Like this?”

 

The thief recoiled, one eye bulging while the other squinted desperately.

 

“No! No! Not like-! Not like that!”

 

Lylah backed away, and a few of the elf-like figures stood up for a better look at her. The thief coughed once and waved a hand at her face, and after shaking her head and clearing her throat she seemed to regain her composure.

 

“It… It has to be something small.”

 

Hyrsam nodded, and then he looked over his shoulder. When Lylah noticed him eyeing the goldfish, she gave the satyr an utterly unimpressed stare.

 

“No.”

 

“Well, what made you do it back in that house?”

 

“Oh, that? Dust, I think? Dust makes me sneeze.”

 

Hyrsam smiled, holding up a finger excitedly. He then reached behind his back and then turned back to Lylah with his hands clasped in a ball.

 

“I don’t have any of your ordinary material plane dust, but…” Hyrsam chuckled, slowly opening his hands. In his palm sat a tiny, glowing pixie. Lylah gasped, never having seen such a creature up close. She leaned forward and smiled, and then she looked to Hyrsam with a nod.

 

“I… I suppose pixie dust will make me sneeze too…”

 

The thief turned her attention back to the pixie and smiled.

 

“Hello!” she said, her voice excited but soft. “Could you do me a favor?”

 

The pixie looked up at the human towering above. She blinked, not sure what the big lady was asking. Lylah reached a hand up to her face and lightly tapped the tip of her nose.

 

“Could you get a little bit of your dust on me? Right here?”

 

Lylah and the pixie stared at each other for a moment, and then the tiny creature’s wings began to buzz and she lifted off from Hyrsam’s hand. Then, she suddenly raised her fists above her head and let out a savage battle cry. Lylah’s friendly smile vanished in an instant, and she barely had time to let out a surprised “uh?” before the pixie suddenly zoomed toward her face. The thief screamed as the pixie flew straight into her right nostril, causing her to stumble back and flail her arms up and down. The crowd stood in stunned silence, Hyrsam included, watching with bated breath as the pixie continued to rattle around in Lylah’s nose.

 

“N-no, staah…” the human pleaded, dropping her bouquet to the ground. She waved both hands at her face, barely able to gasp for breath. Clouds of pixie dust began to seep out of Lylah’s nostrils as the creature inside gave off more and more of it, and before long it was more than the hapless thief could stand.

 

“I… I… No…! Ah-Ahh-Ahhh-! Aht’SHYUU!”

 

Lylah doubled over with an enormous, high-pitched sneeze. The pixie was blown clean out of her nose along with a thick cloud of golden, glittering dust. After tumbling through the air for a second, the pixie gave a few angry squeaks, stuck out her tongue at the human, and then flew off into the distance. A few members of the audience watched her go, but before long they were all transfixed on Lylah.

 

“Ah… Haahh… HA’tshh! Ah-CHshh! Hih-! HEH-shu! Ah… Ah-Ahh… Aaaahh-! AHT-CHYEEW!”

 

The human remained doubled over for a few seconds after her final sneeze, hands cupped haphazardly over her nose. Hyrsam’s audience was similarly silent, but they soon erupted into thunderous applause and cheers. Giving a hearty chuckle, Hyrsam marched up to Lylah and patted her on the back as she finally began to recover.

 

“Well done, my friend!” he congratulated, flicking his wrist and causing a handkerchief to appear in his hand. Lylah immediately snatched the cloth and powerfully blew her nose, earning further pointing and staring from the audience.

 

“There,” she sighed, her voice thick with congestion, “that was fun, but it took a lot out of me. Can I go home now?”

 

Hyrsam smiled, patting Lylah on the head with enough force to bend her over.

 

“Of course! You’ve been a wonderful guest, and I hope we can do this again sometime soon!”

 

The satyr turned back to his audience and extended his arms.

 

“Thank you so much for coming, everyone! Now I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye to… Er…”

 

The thief scowled, but she couldn’t hide the slightest tinge of a smile as she stomped a foot on the stage.

 

“Lylaahh… Ah… Ah-Ahh-Ahhh! Ha’Tshhu!”

 

Giving one last sneeze, Lylah felt the warmth and humidity of the feywild melt away. Her eyes remained closed for a moment longer as she snuffled and rubbed under her nose, and once she finally took a look around, she found herself back in the Rorisk bedroom. When she lowered her hands away from her face, the gold emerald egg fell back into her grasp, complete with a fresh handkerchief underneath. Lylah gave a quiet chuckle as she plucked the handkerchief out and held it to her nose with one hand. Then, at the last moment she remembered to wait until she was safely outside. Smiling at her near mistake, Lylah took a cautious glance at the bed.

 

Lord and Lady Rorisk stared back at her, pulling the blankets up to their chins to shield themselves. Still holding her handkerchief to her nose, Lylah blushed and smiled awkwardly.

 

“Excuse me.”

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And that's all for now! As always this was a lot of fun to write, and again I appreciate any and all feedback or constructive criticism if you have any. I hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you again for the next one, whatever it may be.

[Former Empath]

It's a cute idea, and I like how Lylah vacillates between being annoyed at the satyr but also embarrassed about her sneezes.  It's an interesting dynamic to have the crowd enjoy the sneezes but not sexually, and also for the tiny pixie to be the cause... it's like a giantess sneezing, except she's a human with a tiny faerie.  Super cute!

[kushamizuki]

"She can't do it on comand" so i'm going to say you enjoyed Into The Sipederverse