Doggone Loud Sneeze

[gonnasneeze]

Isaac and Miriam , a recently married couple, live in a starter house in a middle class neighborhood in Phoenix, Arizona. Miriam’s parents Yetta and Max live in an upscale gated community in nearby Scottsdale.

Yetta and Max are dog show enthusiasts and for many years showed their schnauzer, Menachem-Mendel, regularly at dog shows. “M-M,” winner of many first-place ribbons and trophies, recently retired from competition and lives “the dog’s life” with his owners, who attend shows as spectators.

One Saturday evening, the two couples went to the Royal Breeds Dog Show at the Scottsdale arena. Normally, Isaac and Miriam spend their Saturday nights quietly playing Scrabble, but accepted Yetta’s invitation to go to this particular show. The four were in their seats at 7:20 for the 7:30 start.

The 25 dogs in the show, all impeccably behaved and groomed, were sitting stoically on their perches. They were all ready to strut their stuff for the judges.

As the show got underway, Isaac noticed a strange look on Miriam’s face.

“Anything wrong, Miri?” he inquired.

“Oh, I feel a tickle in my nose…I have to sneeze,” whispered Miriam.

Up to now, Miriam’s sneezing etiquette had always been right out of Emily Post. Her sneezes had always started with a tiny tickle, followed by a brief buildup. She would take out a tissue, placing it over her nose and mouth, so as not to spread germs. Two or three dainty sneezes normally followed. There was no precedence for her huge, loud sneeze that was on the way this time.

Miriam held her tissue at the ready, as she waited through a three-minute buildup before her sneeze was ready to blast off.

Suddenly a reflex action caused her to bolt to her feet, at which time she “unleashed” an explosive, screaming, shrieking “HEEEEEEE-YEEEEEEEE-YAAAASHHH-SHEWWWW!!!!!”. A microphone that was on by her seat amplified Miriam’s thunderous sneeze several times.

The dogs, spooked by Miriam’s sneeze, all leaped from their perches, barking, yelping, squealing, running helter-skelter and hiding, as their frenzied owners tried to catch them.

Pierre, the stately standard poodle, crashed into the trophy table as he jumped from his stool to the floor. Damaged trophies were strewn about, as the arena erupted into total chaos.

Mrs. Baumgarten came up to one of the officials sobbing: “My little Fifi escaped out the back door. She is running about the Sonoran Desert and will probably be eaten by a coyote.” The official tried to reassure Mrs. Baumgarten that Fifi would be found and returned to her alive and well. “Fifi is TOAST,” he secretly thought to himself.

The officials huddled to decide how to restore order and what to do about the rest of the show.

After order was restored, a show judge came to the microphone to announce their decision. The rest of the show would be postponed one week and all the spectators (except one) would be welcomed back at that time. He apologized for the incident, as he glared at Miriam.

As the people filed out, the wealthy widow Wasserman approached Yetta and said: “Your daughter caused a terrible disturbance tonight. Oi, vuz dot a sneeze!,” she declared in her Yiddish brogue.

“Who knew,?” shrugged Yetta. “She NEVER sneezed like THAT before.”

Max pulled his hat as far down over his eyes as he could, hoping not to be recognized as Miriam’s father.

The four rode home in near silence and parted company when they reached Max and Yetta’s house.

When they got in their car, Isaac and Miriam burst out laughing.

“I really should be embarrassed by my loud sneeze tonight, but it cracked me up to see all those stuffy, rich people chasing after their dogs,” Miriam said.

“Did you see the Channel 6 camera pointed at you just as you sneezed? And the Gazette photographer snapping your photo at the same time,?” asked Isaac through his laughter.

“Of course I didn’t see them,” she replied. “I sneeze with my eyes closed. Doesn’t everybody,?” she asked rhetorically.

“Yeah, I reckon you’re right, Miri. But hey, we get to watch you sneeze on the 10 o’clock news tonight and we might see you sneezing on the front page of the paper tomorrow morning,” he continued.

“Oi vey,” replied Miriam. “I can hardly wait.”

Upon their arrival home after the dog show, Isaac popped a DVD into the recorder in advance of the 10 o’clock news. He wanted to record “The Sneeze” for the viewing enjoyment of future generations. Miriam was not convinced anyone would be interested but agreed to the recording just in case someone would be.

Just before 10PM, they sat down in front of the TV and laughed uproariously as the film from the Channel 6 camera rolled and the narrative of the reporter gave a “blow-by-blow” description of “The Sneeze” and its chaotic aftermath.

The next morning, Isaac woke up early and got the Sunday paper. On the front page was a picture of Miriam’s dog show sneeze with the headline reading:

“Woman’s Loud Sneeze Cur-`tails’ Dog Show”

Isaac decided to change the message on the couple’s answering machine to say:

“If you are calling about Miri’s sneeze, please leave a message…

If you are calling about anything else, ditto.”

“Very funny, Isaac,” said Miriam sarcastically upon hearing what he had done.

The next Saturday, the couple opted to stay home for their usual Scrabble night, rather than go to the continuation of the dog show.

At the end of the last game, when all the tiles had been selected, Miriam looked at hers and began to giggle.

“Look what I have, Isaac,” she said as she laid them out on the Scrabble board…

S-N-E-E-Z-E

“Ha,” said Isaac. “I’ll meet up with the last `E’ of your “SNEEZE” with these…

H-U-G

The letters formed:

H

U

G

S N E E Z E

The couple broke into hysterical laughter, knocking the Scrabble board and tiles to floor in the process.

When they finally settled down, Miriam said she wondered if she would ever again sneeze as loudly she did last Saturday night at the dog show.

“I `soytanly’ hope so,” replied Isaac, doing his best Groucho Marx impression.

[Chanel_no5]

LOVED IT! Thanks a lot!

[Sneesee]

Very cute! Loved it! Especially your use of "unleashed"! Please write more!

Do you write anything with men sneezing? Just wondering!

Sneesee

[gonnasneeze]

Very cute!  Loved it!  Especially your use of "unleashed"!  Please write more!

Do you write anything with men sneezing?  Just wondering!

Sneesee

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you Sneesee. . .I'm glad you liked DOGGONE LOUD SNEEZE. I haven't written any with male sneezing. I have written one with a husband/wife camping as the main characters. I will re-write to see how it flows with HIM sneezing. If it seems entertaining, I will post it.

It's nice to hear when people enjoy your writing.

gonnasneeze

[Sneesee]

Gonnasneeze-

Thanks for the wonderful stories! Keep 'em coming whether they're male or female!!!! They are too awesome!

Sneesee