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"I worship His Divine Sneeze"; f and m - (4 Parts)

count tiszula

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To celebrate my two years on the forum, it's about time for a sci-fi fanfic. I never woul have thought it possible when I frist joined up; but then I never thought I'd reach 100 posts, let alone 1500.


Captain Stanley Tweedle stood at his station on the bridge and stuck out his hand to engage the invisible key that controlled the Lexx, the largest ship and most powerfl semianimate in the two universes.

"Anything on the screen, Lexx?" he asked sleepily.

"Well, Stanley," the Lexx's calm voice boomed through its cavernous interior, "there is a ship on my port bow."

"Look's like one of His Divine Shadow's cruisers." said Stan. "But what is that cloud of stuff round it?"

Xev came in from the bathroom, her beautiful golden hair, her glowing golden skin beaded with waterdrops.

"Part of the cloud is coming this way," she said. " I hoppe it's not those horrid carrot things."

"Xev, " said Stan, seeing her standing by his hand. "Why aren't you wearing any clothes?"

"I AM a love slave, though I'm not likely to see action until we can bring Kai back from the dead again"

"Leave mydarling boy alone, you cluster lizard whore." called the robot head.

"And since you've all seen me in the shower, and the robot head has turned, there seems no need for false modesty"

"Robot head, shut up and analyse the cloud." ordered Stan.

"Anything carroty?"

"It's a dispersion in micropowder; the active ingredient is protosnuff. And there's a Moth in there."

"Lexx, close yout orifices."

"I welcome all forms of semi-life" said the Lexx serenely. A sparkly miasma seeped into the bridge.

"Stan, said Xev." There's something wrong with my nose. Some of my cluster lizard part is trying to get out. Look up my nostrils." Stan looked; her tip-tilted little nose was unusual; the nostrils were extremely distended , their edges moving out, then in, randomly, the interior filling with an electric blue slime.

"I think you're going to sneeze," said Stan.

"Cluster lizards are very susceptible to protosnuff," volunteered the head.

Xev giggled. "It certainly tickles; it's really exciting just like when a bit of cluster lizard gets out. Oh!" Her huge blue eyes half closed, and tears spurted from them. Her breasts began to wobble, as her breathcame in short thick pants.

"Stan," she gasped. "Watch me to see if anything cah...huh..HAH-CHOOOOOOOOH!" She sneezed massivley over Stan; large spots of silver and blue appeared on his red uniform. " I-worship-His-Shadow, that was fun! Hah-Haaah-HITCHOOOOOH! I haven't grown a tail, have I?" She presented her perfect hemispherical buttocks to Stan, who felt rather faint. "Everything's just fine down there;" he tried to speak normally.

The sound of metalshod marching steps was heard in the distance, "Who's that? " screamed Stan.

"The moth I absorbed contained three almost life-forms," drawlwd the Lexx. Round the corner apeared a figure in the unifrom of His Divine Shadow's Navy, flanked by two undead guards. Stan gave the Shadowite salute.

"I worship His Shadow!" he said.

"I worship his SNEEZE!" responded the much decorated woman. " I am Admiral Marisu of His Divine Sneeze's ship Inevitable. Resistance is useless. Anyone for protosnuff?"

More soon.

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Very cute, obs, I loved how the said "I think you're going to sneeze" Some how that was just *yummy* to me :unsure:

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I'm glad you approve.

A smaall, shiny, silvery cylinder appeared and flew up to the Admiral's nose. She sniffed, and it flew to Stan, who breathed tentatively, and Xev, who inhaled noisily and gasped in satisfaction.

" I should explain that the despot formerly known as His Divine Shadow has transmogrified. He had long been worried that while his divine shadow overcast the whole Dark Universe, his power was limited in the Light Universe."

"ATISHOOOOOO!" exploded Xev, bending almost double.

"I worship your divine sneeze". remarked the Admiarl. "One day, trying a newblend of protosnuff, he saw that His Divine Sneeze was so powerful that it could give the poewer he de- de- CHOOO, CHOOOO,,CHOOOOOOOH desired".

"I worship your divine sneeze " mumbled the others in sheepish unison.

"Thank you. Your orders ae simple; bring the Lexx, under my escort , to His Divine Sneze' encampment on the planet Breath, or your fate will be terrible; he will sneeze on you! I worship His Snee- snee- TCHOOOH! You better get moving".

I worship His Sneeze, " muttered the others. "HAR_TCHOOOH!" added Xev. Without acknowledging her sneeze, the Admiral turned and stalked out with her guards; they could hear her TCHOOOs getting moreand more distant.

" I haven't sneezed once" said Stan.

"Could be because you're only a full-blooded hu- hah- HAH-TISHOOOOH!- human"

" I worship your divine sneeze"

"Thank you, Stan; I thought it was pretty good myself. Now, how do we defeat His Divine Sneeze?"

"We don't; how can we? A love slave and a class four technician against His Divine Sneeze's might?"

" We have got a dead ass- ass- aaaaa-TCHESHAAAAH!"

"Assassin, " completed stan, "but how would we resurrect him?"

"Going by the effect the protosnuff had on me, I suspect it will bring anyone back to life".

"But where do we get it/"

Oh, Stan, you're hopeless. While you were chatting up that admiral, I hid her cylinder."

"Where?" Stan looked her up and down; then up again.

"In my cleavage". Stan gaped at her

" Not THAT cleavage, silly"


In the bowels of the Lexx the hall of cryogenics, lined with five hundred chambers all empty save one, was silent, save for the occasional approaching feminine sneeze.

"Here it is," said Xev, opening Kai's chamber. Before them lay the last of the Brunenji, his long black hair trailing down around his pale, radiant face, his strong , beautiful body encased in th a ssassin's armour of black leathersteel.

"I must just test the strength of this protosnuff", said Xev placing a large pinch of te sparkling powdr in her right nostril. At once her lovely face contorted in a rictus of sheer ecstasy. She sighed, her mouth and nostrils halz-opened, she let her eyelids and nares flutter, and the wings seemed to have their own life, flaring and pinching with every sparling grain.

" Hurry up", said Stan.

"You can't hu- hurry something so intensely sensual". Every facial nerve was working; mouth so wide, nose so wrinkled, cheeks wet with tears, upper lip flowing with shining mucus in which glinted protosnuff grains. "It's such agony; and such ec- heh- ec- hah " There was dead silencefor ten seconds in which her lovely features remained quite frozen. " HARRRUSH-TCHOOOOOOH!"

"I worship your divine sneeze"

"Thank you, I was divine, wasn't it. OK. let me sneeze some of it into Kai's nostrils. Quick...." her jaw was dropping again, so she bent over the capsule and set her nose on Kai's uppper lip, nostrils towards his. Her whole body shivered, her buttocks wobbled, her hair caressed the assassin's scarred cheek. " Hah- Heh- huh- HAKHASHOOOOOOOOH! There," she said triumphantly; " I've sneezed all the protosnuff I can into his nose. Let's just hope it works."

More soon

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Deep in his dream of death, Kai was piloting a moth at the head of five thousand other Brunnenji. "OhEyOH" they sang triumphantly. A strange feeling invaded his senses, unfelt for a thousand years. A tickle so insidious that it began to absorb all his mind. The peace of death was alluring, but he longed for a physical body, foe lungs and throat to gasp and above all for nostrils to flare and sneeze through.

"He's alive " noticed the robot head, monitoring vestigial vital signs' Eyelids fluttered then shut tight, nostrils trembled. "He's breathing".

"Hap TCHOOOOF!" remarked Xev. The dead man drew huge, rasping breaths, his face contorted. "Huh..." he gasped "Huh....Huh-Huh....HUUUUUUH...huh, hah...HUH, HAH". The breathing stopped.

"HERRRRRRRAAAASHHH!" His head shot forward into the air and a silver fountain burst upwards into the watching faces. With a single sinuous movement he raised himself to a sitting, then standing position. His deep perple eyes opened.

"I worship your divine sneeze." sniffed Xev.


Kai piloted the Lexx's lead Motth expertly across the surface od Breath, Xev sitting nakedly on his lap, Stanley by his side. Xev, advised she should put something on to avoid catching cold, had been yet more insistent on nudity. Above orbited the Lexx and the Inevitable; before them the interconnected tents abd pavilions of His Divine Sneeze's camp.

"Remember, Stanley" commanded Kai. "Go straight in and pretend to surrender. Xev and I will take care of the opposition." Seeing two guards on the entrance, Kai landed in shadow, and he and Xev crouched as Stanley strode in; "I worship His Sneeze" he saluted. Seconds later two sharp sickles flew from Kai's hand and severed the guards' throats. Kai and Xev crept down the outer tunnel to the entrance of the main chamber.

"Stay here", whispered Kai, and was gone. Xev peeped through the hangings. Two long files of guards stood on either side of the Admiral, before a huge empty throne.

"I worship His Sneeze". The whole assembly saluted together. The admiral blew a note on a large ornate musical nose. "His Divine Sneeze will now materialise from the Dark Universe" And a terrible figure began to fill hte throne. His robes were now divided down the middle; his left side still draped in the dark cloak toppped with his strange long cowl of dark metallic layers; his right now clad in white; huge white square overlapping in a tabard style. Stanley saw they were giant hankies, and on his head was another, knotted at the corners in the ancient manner.

All bowed; "I worship his Sneeze" they repeated.

"Well, Tweedle, have you got the Lexx?" he boomed.

Xev felt a small tickle in her right nostril....

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The tickle gradually grew and grew, till it was at least twice as sneezy as any she had felt before. She wondered if the mere presence of hos Divine Sneeze caused it, or was he trailing clouds o f protosnuff. Whatever, she just longed for a sneeze. It seemed the delicate mambranes of her nose were being scraped and tortured by the sharp scales of her cluster lizard part. For the first time she wanted to hold her sneeze back, so as not to reveal her hiding-place. Uncertainly, she brought both hands to her face, pinching her nose tight shut with one, and, as her mouth already gaped with desire, cramming her other fist into it. Momentarily the sneeze seeemed to calm down; but it suddenly returned with redoubled force; it was quite, quite inevitable;and it was going to be quite, quite enormous. er breath hitched uncontolllably, she felt hot tears on her cheeks, her whole body quivered so that her breasts, her hugely engorged nipples and her buttocks shook wildly. "Ah.." she gasped. "AH...AAAH" There was an odd extra tickle on the outside of her nostrils, and she noticed that claws were sproutng from her fingers.

"I worship HIs Sneeze," replied Stanley. "The Lexx is in orbit, and I am..."

"HAH TCHOOOMPF!" sneezed Xev, so violently that she was knocked forward , lost her footing and fell prone to the ground. "HAH CHISHAAAAH!"

"I know that gorgeous sneeze". said the admiral, and stode out through the hangings. A long. scaly tail thwacked her round the head, and fortunately for her she knew no more. Kai stepped from his hiding-place and raised both arms; a line of darts whoooshed from his sleeves and pierced each of the double file of guards in turn. With a roar of angr frustration, His Divine Sneeze shimmmered , and began to dematerialise.


"She actually tasted quite nice," remarked Xev blithely to Stan as they returned to the bridge from the cryohall. "Stanley, you don't think Kai is a bit TOO keeen to go back to being dead? My one opportunity for love slave duty gone, and all that sneezing has made me rreally horny, not to mention scaly",.

"I'm sure he's just shagged out after a hard assassination."

"Oh dear, Ispoke too soon."X ev's face bore a troubled look, "I think..uh..I think I'm going to start sneezing again. Quick, Stuh-stan, watch my bottom. Huh-HATCHOOOOOH! Hah! HEHCHISHOOOOOOH!" She swivelled to right and left with each sneeze. "Wud bore!" she added through streaming nostrils. "HAHTCHASHAAAAH!" Stanley took the brunt of her blue and white spray.

"I worship your divine sneeze; you're all right; no tail yet". As they reached the bridge he seemed to be having difficulty walking . As his took his stand, Xev noticed something emerging from his overalls.

"Well, Stanley," she said, draping her arm round his neck and her legs against his front, "I've never seen that before. I never knew you cared. Shall we go and lie down. In fact, why don't we just stay here like this? Now where did I put that protosnuff?

"Lexx," ordered Stanley,"stick your prow straight upwards and thrust, thrust, thrust up and up until you see the stars!"

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This is a really fun story, it's very well written :lol: I exspecialy enjoyed the sneezing while hiding scene :) of course you can never go wrong with SWH :lol:

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