An Unearthly Tickle; f, m and uncertain. - (2 Parts)

[count tiszula]

Capt. J. Harkness appears courtesy of Silentdreamer789.

AN UNEARTHLY TICKLE

The Doctor wrestled with the Tardis controls; some evil force was interfering with their journey; he decided to try a brief stop to get his bearings. As the radiophonic screeching died down, he heard high-pitched giggling coming from the wardrobe galleries, and a moment later Rose burst in, pursued with little shrieks by Captain Jack Harkness. Both were clad in tight sparkly catsuits; Rose in dark blue, Captain Jack in shocking pink.

"There are hundreds of these things back there", gasped Rose, slapping her tightly confined thigh.

"Oh yes, one of my companions had a thing about them. I don't know why you've changed; we're not going anywhere."

"We've landed, haven't we? On a planet. I can't be seen on a planet in Regency serving-wench gear; I'd look silly."

"And I've been longing to get out of that naff RAF greatcoat like for ever," added Jack, swinging his leg to and fro and admiring the effect on his well-defined crotch bulges. "It looks like something someone found in Oxfam. You've got to dress right." He winked heavily at Rose, who giggled.

"We're not stopping," said the Doctor. "As soon as I beat the evil influence , it's back to Cardiff again to rescue Robert , Duke of Normandy from Henry I; you'll really fit in there."

"I'll say I'm a boy."

"A chorus boy!" added Jack, giving her a loud slap on her straining buttocks. "Aw, c'mon, doc, let's just get a breath of fresh air." He glanced at the screen. "Looks like a slate-quarry again; no danger there."

"No fresh air either", said the Doctor. " Tests have shown a distinct trace of chlorine in the atmosphere. Not dangerous, but hardly advisable."

"Chlorine?" said Rose, "Isn't that the stuff that always made me sneeze when I went swimming down the Elephant?"

"That's nothing," added Jack, "I died in a chlorine attack in 1917 when i was in the RFC."

"Well, I nearly died of embarrassment when I sneezed all over Miss Webb the swimming coach. There was stuff everywhere. All over her Loughborough singlet ! I went and hid under the plastic elephant thing and sneezed my little head off."

"It's not that strong; no more than when you pour hydrochloric acid down a sink," said the Doctor.

"Hy do-what? asked Rose.

After some squabbling, the Doctor agreed to the others' leaving him alone for a brief trip in the slate-quarry, and opened the doors. At once Rose began to breathe heavily, and her lovely, pointy, pale nose flared convulsively in and out as if she were running away from a monster, ending in a position where the mid-point of each nostril's wing formed a sharpish angle, the nostril taking the form of a flattened isosceles triangle. Immediately behind that mid-point, the spasm of her nasal muscles was so extreme that the blood flow was constricted, leaving a patch of bright paleness so extreme that it almost appeared to be shining with an unearthly light. Her eyelids fluttered, her wide mouth stretched open between full red lips, her sparkly breasts heaved.

" Te...Te....Told you it made me snah-sneeze. Hah- Hah- TSCHEEEEEEW!" Her blonde hair shot forward over her face, and a huge spray burst from her sensuous mouth and nose. She sniffed energetically to deal with the runniness overcoming her philtrum. "Have...Hah-TISHOOOOOH! Have you got your sonic hankie?"

Sighing, the Doctor pulled his gleaming screwdriver from within his frock-coat, and pressed a button. A large white hankie bearing the seal of the Timelords unfurled from a slit in the screwdriver, which he passed to Rose,who with difficulty managed to hold it in one hand and give her nose a loud , gurgly blow with the other; she passed it back and the Doctor retracted the dripping linen into the screwdriver.

"Now, don't go out of sight of the Tardis, don't get separated, and Rose, whatever you do, don't twist your ankle."

"Why me?, " sniffed Rose, "He's just as likely to twist HIS ankle."

"Not with MY lallies." said Jack, pirouetting off across the slate. Exasperatedly, the Doctor slammed the police box door and went back to work. Rose set off gingerly over the crumbling shards of stone after the Captain, who had ceased dancing around and stopped dead, staring into the middle distance with half-closed eyes. Rose thought again what a waste it was; his matinee idol profile was perfect down to the quivering, strong, cleft chin; all that American dentistry gleamed from his half-open mouth; his toned, muscular bottom flexed in his sparkly catsuit, as did his quite spectacular groin. His chest heaved .

"Guess that chlorine's getting to me after all." He suddenly looked so vulnerable standing there, crinkling up his small, straight nose, that Rose couldn't help herself; she stuck her arm tentatively round his waist. She could feel his ragged breath hitching, pushing his chest in and out and making her own breasts jiggle. If only she were more boyish, or at least androgynous.

"Don't frighten the sneeze away, you silly girl. I'm trying to get it to come, and I cah....Huh...Huh-RRRASSS-CHAAAAAAAH!! Huh-RASHOOOOOOO!" She would have given anything for a hankie to lend him, and unconsciously patted her thighs to check for pockets.

"Bless you, Jack", she said shily . He sniffed wetly, grinned, showing all his boyish dimples, and wiped his runny nose on his sleeve .

"Huh- ARSCHOOOOOOO! That felt good. Now, race you to the top of that slope." And he was off, haring up the pile of scree-like rock, his leg muscles sparkling in the light of the suns. She panted after him, but was so determined not to twist her ankle that her slower pace made her lose him over the lip of the quarry. By the time she had followed a path to the top, she was gasping for breath, her nostrils flaring with effort as she breasted the top. An extraordinary sight met her nose.

A continuarse...

[silentdreamer789]

Yay! Sneezy Jack!!!! Very nice, thanks!

silentdreamer789

[Blah!?]

This is great! I remember a couple of people talking about writing a Dr. Who fanfic that involved something in the air making the characters sneeze. I can't really remember, were you one of them?

[Vetinari]

Yahoo and fabulousness Mr Count sir!.

I presume the high pitched giggling was courtesy of Jack as he's known for doing this whilst wearing sparkly catsuits.

slapping her tightly confined thigh

admiring the effect on his well-defined crotch bulges

Some lovely imagery there!

Oh and I want a sonic hankie.

This is hilarious I was L'ingOL.

Please do continuarse...

[count tiszula]

Golly, yes; I'da almost forgotten that I posted the essential plot over a year ago, thinking then that I would never be able to write it; good thing the muses have changed some things. And acknowledgements to Kushami6, who started all that and made Rose sneeze. It seems her nostrils are more popular than I thought, Anyway, keep LoLling, if you are; on with the show....

PART II

The ground was flat as far as she could see, resembling a landscaped lawn. Clumps of tall tree-like plants lay about, beneath them multi-coloured layers and piles of what looked like coloured footballs. Oddest of all, between them a small, square, white, stone building, a sort of colonnade with a flat roof, except that the "columns" seemed wildly irregular, like a petrified forest. Rose stepped up to the nearest football and kicked it; it burst and showered her with a messy, juicy spray; they must be some kind of fruits. Her laboured breath seemed to have made her inhale too much of the prickly air, because again she felt a really big sneezy tickle deep in her most sensitive nasal passages. She opened her mouth and tried to get the sneezes out by gasping suddenly. She looked up first at one sun, then at the brighter one, and the light made the sneeze go inevitable. Three times she gasped and her nostrils swelled triangularly; each time she couldn't make the sneeze come . At last "Ah- Hah- HUH....HAH-ETCHOOOOOOH! HUH-ATCHAAAAAAAH! Huh-huh-HAHTCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!" So violent were her sneezes that she bent right over, lost her footing on the sticky ground, slipped and fell back, her bottom bursting a pile of fruit. She felt a sharp pain in her right ankle.

"Jack", she called tentatively. She was covered in a sticky mess, and uncertain whether it emanated from the fruits or from her nose. On previous occasions when she had twisted her ankle while on a planet, usually a horrific monster appeared; so she was alarmed rather than surprised when the unearthly silence was broken by a distant sound of distorted voices, getting louder. With an effort, she raised herself and hobbled painfully over to the white building, feeling she could hide in the thicker columns. As the monsters approached, she could almost make out separate voices, raised in a paean of warrior-like triumph, punctuated by the clanging of metal.

"We must run it through"

"Cut it apart"

"Drain the blood."

"Take the tender flesh." She was transfixed with terror. Unable to run away properly, she could only hope to remain undiscovered until rescued by her male companions. Her heart raced and thumped, her breath shortened; and the extra force of tickly air rushing through her flaring nostrils set up an irritation throughout her sensitive mucous membranes. She realised she was going to sneeze again. She knew that once her tickle went really sneezy, there was nothing she could do to hold it in. She might be able to hold it back for a minute or so, but it would just come out even more loudly in the end than if she let it go, and the more she tried to stifle it, the more sneezes would come. She could only hope that the aliens would move out of earshot, or that she could make her sneeze coincide with a time when they were being extra noisy so they didn't notice her own very noisy sneeze. She put her hand up to her nose and pinched it shut, but as expected, the tickle only got sneezier. The alien voices were frighteningly close.

"Could you pass me that knife?"

"It's still got bloood on it from last time."

She was so terrified that for a moment her sneeze was frightened away. She gasped with relief and sniffed; her nose seemed to be full , whether of the sticky fruitjuice or her own juices being uncertain; but it tickled her again and the sneeze came back with redoubled force. She gritted her teeth and covered her mouth with her other hand.

"Anyway, it's nice weather for it,"boomed a voice so close it made her jump. She hoped that her sneeze would go away again, but it had gone beyond frightenawayability; it had reached hyperinevitability. Her chest suddenly heaved with a sharp intake of breath, which held itself for longer than seemed possible before letting itself out again. Her eyes fluttered shut. Her whole body tensed as if in an ecstatic orgasm. Her diaphragm..."TCHMPFFF!! The enormous sneeze came witha very high-pitched, girly sound. "TCHMMMPPPFFF! Hah-TCHMMMMPFFF!" She opened her eyes and through the obscuring tears dimly discerned three tall , pale figures staring at her. She gave up and let herself go; "Huh-hah- HAPTCHISHAAAAAAH! ATCHASHOOOOO! HA-TCHOOOOOSH!!"

"Bless you!" cried the chief alien enthusiastically.

"Just looking at you makes me feel sneezy." giggled the second. "In fact, I -er- Hi-CHEEEET! Hi-CHEEET! Hi-CHEEEEESHA!" Rose rubbed her eyes, and her nose, and tried to focus. The aliens were taller than her, with elongated limbs and slightly orange skins; naked except for strange, tall headdresses perhaps of some skin. Their faces seemed permanently surprised, with gigantic , glistening eyes. The two who had sneezed seemed completely overwhelmed by the sneezes, bending almost double with their force, emitting gargantuan amounts of spray and trails of slime from their large upturned round nostrils, which seemed in perpetual motion; Rose now felt at least four different fluids running on her face.

"But how rude of us, "said their leader, "How do you do? I am Princess Hnxtina."

"Rose," said Rose. "But you're a bloke... aren't you?"

"Well actually, we're all women."

"But what about those?" enquired Rose, gesturing at the somewhat large and active members that were waving gently in the air some distance in front of their groins.

"They're our clitorises, of course."

"Jellied Eels!" giggled Rose, "Jack is really going to love you!" As if on cue, a loud, yet stifled "HRMPSH!" rang out from further along the building. Rose was bewildered to find her self alone again; the ladies had taken off at a sudden run, disappearing between the uneven columns. After a time she heard, as she expected, a distant, throaty "HRMPSH!! HMPTCH! Huh-RASHCHAAAAH!", and after a further pause a chorus of sympathetic "Hi-CHEEETs" and "Her-CHUFFFs". A considerable time passed before they reappeared, arm in arm with a very grinning, dimpled, dishevelled and oddly naked Jack, who greeted her with high-pitched cries and extrememly wet kisses.

"Aren't they fabulous?" he whispered; "They want us to join in their barbecue." Rose's face must have fallen, beacause he laughed and added "Don't whirry; they assure me they've brought far too much meat as it is."

But when the Doctor found the two of them some hours later in a quiet corner of the quarry, they were trussed up and unconscious, and each had a juicy buttock missing.

THE END

[Vetinari]

Still LOLing!

"She was so terrified that for a moment her sneeze was frightened away." A terrifying moment indeed.

"Rose now felt at least four different fluids running on her face." Urgh! (But I still laughed)

Wonderful stuff, a planet filled with apparently fetishy aliens who are induced to sneeze in sympathy with sparkly catsuited assistants

THE END?

Really? Does it have to end here? It has so much potential for further exploration!

[a_nonny_mouse]

Oh, YAY! I've been hoping for a Who-fic for a year now -- but have been too damned self-conscious to write one myself. I jump up and down with happy.

[itchynose2]

Just to explain to those who don't know much about Dr Who, the title of this thread is a play on "An Unearthly Child", which was the title of the very first episode of Doctor Who transmitted on BBC-1 all the way back at 5:15pm on Saturday November 23rd 1963

[count tiszula]

Hoorah! Someone recognized a reference of mine!

Ah, I remember that evening ; the previous night we had sat around a blank telly until solemn music began playing; I know it seems odd but we thought the Queen must have died until a BBC voice said "The voice of America has announced that President Kennedy has been killed by an assassin's bullet". I had this vision of an enormous voice shouting the news across the Atlantic.

And another thing, in those days there were only real fires, so the sofas were placed close to them, which is why people were able to hide behind them.

Of course, such was the disconnection between public and private events that it was years before I connected the two events.

[itchynose2]

well, you see, i am a Doctor Who FAN!