Did I do the right thing?

[Guest Hannah]

I feel guilty about coming here. When i found out about this website, I came on all the time. Then my mom found out and told me not to come here anymore, but.... I feel like i'll go insane if I stay away. My mom doen't understand. This is the first time I've ever met people like me and it feels like a gaping hole is in my heart when i can't talk to people about sneezing... They always find it weird or ignore the topic. What do you guys think? Should I follow my heart and keep coming or follow my mom and stay away?

[Guest WalterDESneeze]

YOU ARE 19, you do not need your mom's permission to explore your sensuality! I would not confront her, what Mom does not know cannot upset her.

[Honkytonklagoon]

Hannah, that's quite a conflict. Did your mom give a reason why not to come here? Did she hang something over your head if she found you were still coming back?

My initial impulse was to respond that you're over 18, which entitles you to just about everything but buying alcohol. So, in that sense, the decision is yours. And, we can all understand how you feel about having found a community that "gets" you and won't judge your fetish (except positively).

And then there is the quality of the community and the people here. For a place motivated by sex, there is barely a dim hallway or broken-glass-strewn alley in the place. You can be a whole person here. And many (most?) people will respect the amount of yourself that you want to share.

For all those reasons, it would be a shame for you to leave when you really want to stay.

So it comes back to the state of your relationship with your mom. And you know that better than we do.

Good luck!!!!

[nick]

I have to echo others responses here. If you're 19, that more or less spells it out insofar as you're of legal adult age and therefore, can do more or less what you want within reason. Saying outright that you can't come here is undermining your age in my opinion. I could go on about civil liberties being denied here and all of that shit, but I don't really want to get into that here. If you're living at home with your mum then it makes things difficult. If you're using her computer to come here, well, sadly, she probably HAS got a say in what you do with it.

Not an easy call and I wouldn't be so presumptuous to be able to advise what to do because it's only you that is fully conversant with the situation. But you are old enough to make your own decisions.

[Mr Sneezy]

I have to echo others responses here. If you're 19, that more or less spells it out insofar as you're of legal adult age and therefore, can do more or less what you want within reason. Saying outright that you can't come here is undermining your age in my opinion. I could go on about civil liberties being denied here and all of that shit, but I don't really want to get into that here. If you're living at home with your mum then it makes things difficult. If you're using her computer to come here, well, sadly, she probably HAS got a say in what you do with it.

Not an easy call and I wouldn't be so presumptuous to be able to advise what to do because it's only you that is fully conversant with the situation. But you are old enough to make your own decisions.

Once again, Nick has gotten in ahead of me. Indeed, the only way it could be any of her business is if it is not your computer, but hers or your family's.

There's no need to tell her anything.

[King_of_the_ruins]

i also agree with Nick, and Mr S.

[vote_for_pedro]

You're among friends here, and there's no reason to feel guilty about that. It's not unheard of for parents to dislike their child's friends, but I think your mom probably has the wrong idea about us. The word "fetish" automatically conjures images of kinky sex stuff, and for some people that might be the only reason they come here. But you know the forum is about more than that. It's a meeting place for friends with an unusual shared interest. Besides, you're an adult. You should be able to do whatever you want. I know she's trying to protect you from something that seems bad because she doesn't understand it. If it's an issue because of a shared computer, just do what the rest of us have done in your situation. Visit when no one is around to bother you, and clear your history! But don't stop coming here if you love it.

[Niceguy]

I'm going to disagree with one point that has been repeated a few time. YOUR AGE IS NOT THE ISSUE. Whether you are 19, 9 or 90, you must do what you believe is right FOR YOU. There will be times when your parents won't approve. That's life, I'm afraid.

If I'd listened to my parents I wouldn't have the career I do, have married the woman I did (and thus had the two boys I have) or every met the two wonderful dogs who gave me the honor of their companionship for a little while. In short I would be safe, in their eyes, but I would have very little of any value.

Parental advice has it's value, but it must be taken in context. In my experience it's based more on fear than anything else. (And I say that as a parent myself.)

Whatever decision you make will be the right one - provided it is made for the right reason.

Think for yourself, and follow your heart in all things.

In the end, your parents will still love you.

(And if that's not true, then you have much bigger problems than whetehr or not to come here!)

[resolution]

The funny thing about advise is that when giving it, you must always consider the unique life-style and relationships of the people that you are going to advise. Hannah you obviously have a kind of reltionship with your mother in which she is still an important moral influence in your life and that is a good thing. What I would advise is going on to the site with her and showing her things like the scooby doo clip sitings; harmless things that are not purely sexual at all. Show her that it is an interest much wider than what she may think. If you have had the interest for as long as many of the rest of us on this forum, tell her that you have been that way since you were a little kid, long before you even had any interest in sex.

To prove this claim you might want to show her the under 18 regulations on the site that clearly demonstrate that the site is not designed to be a purely sexual site (in which case rules like that would be ridiculous). I'll leave that last one up to you though, you know your mother. Would she only think about the fact that you had told her that there was over 18 content on the site, or would she be incouraged by the fact that this labeling proves that the site is not just about that kind of stuff?

Your call on that one.

[nick]

I think Niceguy makes a couple of valid points here. If there are other issues at hand then the problem may lie elsewhere and have nothing to do with whether you come here or not.

VFP also made a very valid comment in that the word "fetish" has a stigma attached to it and while that may still be true of many seedier websites, the same criticism can not be levelled at this forum, so maybe the suggestion that resolution made to actually show her some of the content of the forum would be a good one. I'm not sure that I could actually bring myself to do that but then I'm a coward

[Sapphire]

I'm quite curious -- Does your mother feel very uncomfortable with other aspects of your sexuality such as whom you are dating, what kinds of physical sexual experiences you've had? Or is it just this fetish?

Somehow that makes a difference to me in how you should respond. If she is uncomfortable with your exploring of your sexuality altogether, then I believe that it may be time to start to break away from her influence because she might have an unreasonable expectation that you will remain her innocent little girl even at age 19.

On the other hand, if she is o.k. with the idea that you are exploring sexual desire in general at your age (which isn't unusual) , then she is probably just concerned that a fetish is a dangerous and perverted thing as VFP and others said. In that case, I would definitely agree with trying to educate her about the fetish and perhaps showing her how the forum is regulated as resolution suggested, since you seem to have a relationship in which you talk about these personal issues.

If you cannot succeed in changing her mind, then you must decide for yourself whether you want to pursue your own path separate from her wishes. And here's the deal: Our parents raise us and teach us the values that they think are important. However, even if a mother is an absolute saint who normally offers wonderful guidance to her daughter, inevitably mothers and daughters are going to disagree on some issues. The life the daughter lives will not, nor should it be, exactly how the mother would have lived it. It is not a betrayal of your love for your mother to live your own life, have your own interests, and make your own decisions. In fact, to make sound decisions, even if they differ from your mother's, is a tribute to her ability to guide you into living life as an independent adult, which is the goal of parenting after all. And believe it or not, I'm 99.9% sure that all children have some desires, life choices, activities, interests that they simply do not share with their parents. You are entitled to have those.

[MyOwnPrivateSFC]

Ok, so, I always really hate getting into these things, and I usually try not to, so this'll likely suck, but...

As a 23 year old person (I still have trouble thinking of myself as a woman, as opposed to a kid) who still lives at home with her mother, I can say from experience that--so far--resolution has come closest to getting to the crux of the issue.

Hannah, I assume that you know that at 19, you have every legal right to be here. The issue you seem to be having trouble with is your mother's problem with the forum. Now, I don't know you, or what kind of relationship you have with your parents. It's possible that if you stick around, I might eventually; some of the Forum members here have gone into some detail about their relationships with their families regarding the fetish and the Forum. Therefore, this is what I can tell you:

You seem to care a lot about what your mom thinks; othrewise, you wouldn't feel guilty or worried. That means, unfortunately, that you'll have to think seriously about what the worst case scenario would be. Would your mom kick you out, or stop respecting you as a person, or would she just be mad at you for disobeying her? (And to all the people who pointed out that Hannah is 19: irrelevant. As long as you live with your folks, and care what they think, they can hurt you.)

You said you felt strongly about being able to come here, to the Forum. Well, at some point, we all disppoint our parents; if you haven't found that out yet, you will. Is the Forum something that you feel strongly enough about to make it an issue, if it becomes one, keeping in mind that if you don't, something else will eventually affect your relationship with your mom in the same way?

Think about how can you avoid a fight with your mom, or at least make it better. In your situation, could you hide your Forum usage from her (that's what I have to do; my mother has made it clear that all fetishes, and several of mine in particular, are disgusting, so I hide my activities from her)? Would she be madder if she found out by accident, or if you told her directly that you were going to go against her wishes?

Other than that, all I can really tell you is to follow your gut...and that no matter what your mom's reaction, the people on this Forum are wonderful folks, many of whom have had similar experiences to yours, and they (well, we, I suppse) will be there to support you and help you through it if it turns out badly.

I'm sending you my hopes and good thoughts for things to work out well for you.

Abyssinia,

Barrie

[Sapphire]

I felt that this part was akin to the advice I was trying to give. Even while living with her mother, loving her mother, and finding her mother an important influence, she can still have some things that she does separate from her mother, and she does not need to feel guilty about that. If she finds it important enough, she may want to come here in private and not speak to her mother about it.

You said you felt strongly about being able to come here, to the Forum. Well, at some point, we all disppoint our parents; if you haven't found that out yet, you will. Is the Forum something that you feel strongly enough about to make it an issue, if it becomes one, keeping in mind that if you don't, something else will eventually affect your relationship with your mom in the same way?

Think about how can you avoid a fight with your mom, or at least make it better. In your situation, could you hide your Forum usage from her (that's what I have to do; my mother has made it clear that all fetishes, and several of mine in particular, are disgusting, so I hide my activities from her)? Would she be madder if she found out by accident, or if you told her directly that you were going to go against her wishes?

[Niceguy]

my mother has made it clear that all fetishes, and several of mine in particular, are disgusting,

Hey - while your mom's in the closet, ask her to see if I left my keys in my jacket pocket.

(I'm sorry - that was SO uncalled for.)

[Guest Hannah]

...Thanks, guys. I feel better about it. I mean, it's not like I'm coming to a sex fetish website or anything, right? And even if I was, there would be people just like me there...Like there are here.

You guys are right! I'll follow my heart and stay here, no matter what my mom says! If she can't be happy that I've found a place where I belong, then TOO BAD!!!.......... *throws brick at everyone's head*

everyone:*claps*

me:

Thanks, everyone. You're all great.

[nick]

**dives to avoid brick coming at head**

[MyOwnPrivateSFC]

my mother has made it clear that all fetishes, and several of mine in particular, are disgusting,

Hey - while your mom's in the closet, ask her to see if I left my keys in my jacket pocket.

(I'm sorry - that was SO uncalled for.)

Maybe so...but, man, see above! Besides...I LOVE uncalled for!

[Guest]

I think tis thread has quite a few brave people in it. People standing up to narrow parents is a very moving thing.

[Niceguy]

I think tis thread has quite a few brave people in it. People standing up to narrow parents is a very moving thing.

You have to choose your battles, but coming to a site like this one it not harmful. Period. The only reason anyone would say otherwise is fear based on ignorance or fear based on some pseudo-religious dogma. Bottom line - they can't really stop you, and there's really no reason they need to. You may decide it's not worth the war, and that's OK - but you see: most parents don't really want the war either! They'll choose their battles as well. If it's this site or porn; or this site or drugs; you see the pattern? Put in perspective, coming here is really not that big a deal.

Plus - you don't have to "stand up" to parents to defy them. They can't say "you can't go there" all they want... and there's really nothing they can do to stop you. (Or at least nothing there actually going to do.) So just go. I don't advocate lying about it. But I think a "don't ask - don't tell" policy is a wise middle-ground for kids to have towards parents who can't grasp the concept that time tends to move forward at a pretty steady pace. And that kids grow up according to their own timetable, not the parents'. I'd love time to stand still for me, and my kids to stay young forever, but it ain't gonna happen. I've come to grips with that, and I have very little patience for people who haven't.

FOr my part, I've been engaged in acts of "civil disobedience" (at home) since I was 14 or so. Now I didn't have this forum when I was in HS, but my mother's big thing (in the 80's) was heavy metal music - cause of the idots stirring up BS about 'devil worship' and all. I was in a BAND. Not only did I LISTEN to Metallica, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy, etc... But we PLAYED it! You think her bitchin' about was going to stop me? F--- that! And from a parental POV I was a typical "GOOD KID!" (Honor Roll, went to College, never in trouble, never did drugs, etc...) But this was important to me - so I did it. No discussion necessary. She said (in a bitchy tone) that she "didn't like that kind of music" and I said (in a sarcastic tone) "not my fault you have poor taste" and kept buying the albums and kept learning the songs.

Coming here would have been no different, except I'd cover my tracks better than some of y'all have done! (Hell - I'd be mortally embarrassed even at my age if my mother knew about this! ) But it wouldn't stop me from coming here.

You will not go through your whole life and never have an argument with your parents. If there's real love there, then the fights don't change anything. It's just part of life.

[Guest Hannah]

Good news, everyone!! I took your advice and told my mom how much this place means to me and I'm aloud to come here now!! *hugs everyone* And it's all thanks to you guys!

[Trillium]

Good news, everyone!! I took your advice and told my mom how much this place means to me and I'm aloud to come here now!! *hugs everyone* And it's all thanks to you guys!

Whoa. Tell us more about what she said, why she changed her mind. I'm happy for you!

[Guest Hannah]

Well, I was still feeling guilty about coming here, so I told my mom that my "friend" from "youtube" had a "crying" fetish and I just told her what "my friend" felt with her mom not letting her go to the "crying" fetish webisite. In the end, I told her I really meant me and she said she had no idea I felt that way about the SFF. She agreed to let me stay, but only if I don't read stuff about sex and stuff (which I don't, anyway.) So, here I am!

[Niceguy]

Good for you! That's great news. Glad to have you "back"!

[Honkytonklagoon]

She agreed to let me stay... So, here I am!

I'm glad it was a happy ending! Now you can have guilt-free fun.