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"An Access of Phlegm" ; F and M; HP fic - (3 Parts)

count tiszula

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I don't think there are any spoilers after OP.

However, I haven't managed to get to a sneeze yet. I do apologize; it's infuriating, isn't it.

Ginny Weasley was running for her life through the dark, stone corridors of Hogwarts, her black gown billowing out behind her in the cold, draughty air. If Professor Snape caught her, she would be expelled for sure; worse, all the efforts of the opposition, of the Order of the Phoenix, of Harry Potter himself would be imperilled. Moaning Myrtle's lavatory was near, but Snape had violated that sanctuary; she needed a new place to hide in. She glanced back; dignified Snape had not reached the corner. Her eye fell on a familiar tapestry, wherein Barnabas the Barmy was leaping about, now instructing his trolls on the finesse of the foxtrot, and trying to keep his toes from being crushed ; she caught a despairing cry of "Travel, travel!" Somewhere nearby was the Room of Requirement. She clattered to a halt.

"I really urgently need a hiding-place," she said to the wall, then, remembering her brothers' Fred and George's account of their use of the Room added "and not just another broom-cupboard!" To her surprise the door appeared straight away, and she dashed through it. Into a broom-cupboard. She sighed exasperatedly, but then saw a secret door, disguiSed as a shelved store of Ajax the son of Oileus and wrackspurt soap, swinging open. She pushed through and slammed the door behind her.

She was in a small yet cosy chamber. The Room, often over the top in its effort to please, had not overdone the dimensions, but the appointments were up to its standards. The walls were lined with cupboards, wardrobes and furniture ejusdem generis. There was even a bed, raised to facilitate hiding under, The floor was deeply carpeted, even on a spiral staircase leading round a pillar up and out of the room. Startlingly, in the middle stood a gigantic leafy bush, impenetrable to the eye, and a free-standing plain brick wall, stopping halfway to the high ceiling, tall enough to conceal any human.

Sharp footsteps approached with Snapian determination, so instinctively Ginny slipped behind the wall, fighting to control her breath and wildly flaring nostrils. The outer door to the broom cupboard opened. She pictured Snape, ears pricked for any sound, staring through his lank, greasy, black locks, his long, hooked nose questing for any clue.

"Not another broom-cupboard," he muttered! "The Founders had a positive fetish for tidy corridors! Better make assurance double sure, to quote their first client." Ginny, trying not to pant audibly, found it odd that Snape enjoyed his own voice so much. She heard a drawn wand. It did not bode well.

"We'll try a tiny spell;" said Snape. "Impelleris ut sternuas!" Silence. Nothing happened. "Well, silly me!" He burst into a cackle of laughter. " I always forget that the latinity of these spells is appalling. Say what you will about my abusive muggle of a father, he did at least emphasize the importance of a classical education. Now, what is the obvious schoolboy howler for a wizard to make? The subjunctive is the pons asinorum of the third-former. I have it; Impelleris ut sternuES!"

It was as if, quite suddenly and without obvious cause, Ginny's turned-up, freckled nose were coated internally with tiny wriggling grains of finest powder, each fixing upon its own sneezy place to tickle and torture. Though at first the tickle was not sneezy, it seemed impossible it would not turn sneezy if it went on for more than an attosecond. And she knew her sneezes were true Weasley sneezes; violent, messy, uncontrollable, repeated and very loud. Brought up with all those brothers, she had never been able to curb her natural Weasleian sneeze-force to anything vaguely ladylike. If, as often happeened, two or three Weasleys were gathered together in sneezy communion, the Burrow's old walls would shake; let alone if there were half a dozen. Her little nose was starting to run. She sniffed as gently and quietly as possible, and tried to tell herself it was just a magic tickle; there was nothing up her nostrils; no reason to have to sneeze. Sadly magic forces did not succumb to reason, and spread to the rest of her body; her eyes filled with sneezy tears and forced themselves shut; her mouth tried to open; a constriction took her chest. Her nose had a life of its own, flaring and narrowing with unnatural strength. Her tickle suddenly crossed that indefinable line between sneeziness and non-sneeziness; she felt the unmistakeable signs of a completly inevitable sneeze. She fumbled inside her gown, but knew that she was too disorganised to have remembered a hankie. "Ah...aaah" she gasped. She grabbed her wand and drew it; if she could only use a Summoning Charm on a hankie; any hankie would do. Under her ragged breath she tried desperately to say it.

"Acc-aaah....Acc..."She raised her other hand and wiped the excess of phlegm from her upper lip on the black sleeve of her gown. "Accio ha....haaah..." Her breath was too jerky; her pert nascent breasts jumping under her Gryffindor tie.

Then came a lull; she knew this was the immediate pre-sneeze phase, but "Accio Ha....Hankie!" she managed. A cupboard door burst open and a huge, red, spotted hankie flew majestically across the room, flapping its wings slowly, like an owl. She fielded it one-handed, and raised it to sneeze-catching height. If she could just have a big blow, she might......

"Oh, hullo, Ginevra!" came a voice from behind her.

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"We'll try a tiny spell;" said Snape. "Impelleris ut sternuas!" Silence. Nothing happened. "Well, silly me!" He burst into a cackle of laughter. " I always forget that the latinity of these spells is appalling. Say what you will about my abusive muggle of a father, he did at least emphasize the importance of a classical education. Now, what is the obvious schoolboy howler for a wizard to make? The subjunctive is the pons asinorum of the third-former. I have it; Impelleris ut sternuES!"

*laughs with great hilarity*

:D^_^:D :D :blushing::D:blushing::omg:

Drat I wish I could say something witty in Latin in reply but I'll just have to rely on smileys as usual.

Oh and redheads with uncontrollable unladylike messy sneezes........


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Fit the Second

She jumped and swang round, forcing her wet eyes open. It was Luna Lovegood.

"Ooh, you look as if you're going to sneeze" she said. Ginny desperately wanted to warn her about Snape.

"Sna....ha...Snah" she managed.

"Yes, a sneeze is very good for you " said Luna. Ginny tried to shut her up, but she wanted to sneeze so much that she couldn't speak any more. I fact she couldn't even throttle her, because she appeared to be unable to move too, as if someone had put a Petrificus Totalus jinx on her. She had difficulty thinking of anything but the approaching sneeze that overwhelmed her being.

"You really shouldn't hold your sneezes in, " said Luna. "My father says that you should try and let every tickle mature into a good, strong sneeze. It's good for your health. Go on, sneeze." Ginny was so astonished that she momentarily lost the fragile control she had and gave a slight "hah". It was too much for her sneeze, which was just pushed over the edge.

HAH! Hah- Hah- HARRASHCHOOOOOOOH!" The noise was terrific and very high-pitched, despite her head flying forward and burying itself in the waiting hankie.

"Bless you!" said Luna,. "There, that did you good, didn't it?" Eyes streaming , Ginny panickily glanced at the door.

"Oh, don't worry, they can't hear you, " said Luna. "I always put a muffliato spell round here when I come in." She made a noise that seemed oddly like a giggle. "We can hear them, but they can't hear us." As ever, her voice was calm, slow and matter of fact as if there were nothing odd about the situation. Her pale, exophthalmic eyes were dreamy, her face serious. She was wearing a badger-skin cap over her long, pale hair, on which she could not inconveniently have sat, and her orange radish earrings. Ginny could feel the next sneeze coming. She sniffed powerfully.

"So you can let the other sneezes come and enjoy them. " said Luna.

" But I...I...HARSHCHOOOOH!" said Ginny, who realised that she could now relieve the magic tickle. "HAH-CHISHOOOO! Huh- HAH- TCHAAAAAAH!"

"Oh, well done," said Luna, "Actually, if you need to sneeze any more, I've got some snuff. It's my father's own invention. He gets a herbal mixture from a shop near the Leaky Cauldron in the Charing Cross Road, but he adds a bit of ground Crumple-horned Snorkack horn, imported from Norway."

" But Hermione says it's just a....haah ..,HAHCHOOOOOSH!"

"Yes, it has unususally strong aphrodisiac powers. Is your nose still tickly?" Ginny could just nod before "Har-Tishhoooo!"

"Well, it's simple to stop" With unexpected dexterity Luna drew her wand and aimed it at the door . "Protego." She said, as if stating an obvious fact, Ginny's poor little frckled nose stopped tickling at once , as if she had sneezed out all of a tickly substance, and apart from an extremely runny nose and eyes, and a certain elation, it was as if nothing had happened. In the broom-cupboard however, Snape felt the same huge tickle rise in his long, hooked nose,. His surprisingly delicate nostrils swelled to huge circles . He threw his head back, black greasy hair tossed up out of his eyes.

"Ha-Ha- HAPSCHUMPF!", he sneezed, throwing head and hair forward. His scowl became an expression of helplessness, tears dewed his cheeks, his severe mouth contorted into a half-smile, half look of supplication. "I ab not going to snee....sneeze, " he said in a high-pitched voice " I ab in control of by...TCHOOOMPH!" He fumbled in his greenish gown pocket for a hankie.

"You idiot, Luna," hissed Ginny. "He's bound to realise someone's used a shield charm on him; and that it;s us. He's a legilimens,"

"We'll see. But it's never happened with any of the other boys." Abstractedly she took from her gown an exquisite snuffbox, of gold bearing an enamel of a sneezing witch.

Snape finally located his hankie and pulled out a fine, clean, white linen square, embroidered with an entwined monogram of SS to represent SS; but before he could get it to his quivering nose; "ATCHUMPF!" another big sneeze burst from him, with large amounts of spray. "I must be allergic to that wrackspurt soap. There's obviously no one here,. Time to be ...TCHOOOFF! off!" Wiping his nose fussily, he turned on his heel and stalked out along the corridor.

" Oh, Luna, you've done it," said Ginny, flinging her arms round Luna and impulsively kissing her. Luna seemed unmoved.

"It wasn't me. I think it's the Room . It sort of helps you by convincing the people looking for you that you're not here. Would you like some of this snuff?"

"Oh, I've only just stopped sneezing; I don't want to start again just yet."

"You should, you know; it's so good for you." She tapped and opened the box, revealing a rather horrid looking greenish powder in which were discernible fragmentary leaves and flowers. "It's a family heirloom." She took a pinch from the box and placed her finger and thumb under one nostril . "And that ," she pointed to a shield on the golden lid, surrounded by runes , "Is the ..{sniff}.. Lovegood coat of arms, quartering Peverell." She lowered her hand, leaving traces of green powder on her broad, pale nose. An even more massive sniff made the wings of her mobile nostrils suddenly distend. She sighed contentedly. "I hope you don't mind; my father says all the Lovegoods have a fine, powerful sneeze; I feel sneezy already."

"Would you like to borrow my hankie?" asked Ginny, hand out and noticing the wet patches on the red and white cloth. "It's quite clean in parts."

"I may not need one." Luna's big , vague eyes were even less focused than usual, less wide open. "I suddenly feel t-terribly sneezy." Her voice was almost animated, almost high-pitched. "I think I...huh..I'm terribly sorry I'm going to..." her head jerked backwards; "Huh...Huh....HUH" Ginny flinched involuntarily, as Luna froze, nostrils gaping, mouth open, eyes closed . "HUUUUUUUUUH....HAAAAAAAAAH...Tsu!" Luna gave a tiny little sneeze through her teeth, not so much girly as dainty and perfectly ladylike, insofar as a vigorous , yet focused spray can so be. "HAAAAAAH...Tsu!" she added. "Excuse ME! I just can't control my HHHHHAAAAAH...Tsu! self when I've got to sn..AAAAH..Tsu! sneeze"

"Bless you!" said Ginny, repressing a giggle, for a change.

"Are you sure you don't want some HHAAAAAH..Tsu! snuff?"

" Perhaps I will now." Ginny tried to copy Luna's movements with the powder, awkwardly raising a snuffy hand to her nose. She sniffed tentatively. Somehow most of it adhered to the outside of her nose, and the rest shot up her left nostril alone. The difference in tickles was striking. It was quite pleasant; her delicate nasal parts hummed with an intoxicating perfume of herbs and flowers which cleared her head as it filled it. While elements determined to give her a gentle tickling, seductive in its charms. A dense deposit on the exterior slope of her upturned septum was most insistent that she sneeze. And this time she tried to encourage the sneeziness, so as not to let Luna sneeze alone. She waited for her breath to deepen.

"It's nice, isn,t it? " said Luna. "You know, you look very pretty when you're sneezy". Ginny felt herslf blush, and gasp.

"I'm sorry," she said; "I'm going to sneeze too. Aaah...aaah."

"You couldn't be sneezier than I AH..AAAAAH...Tsu! am, so it's silly to apologize. Just enjoy the sneezes."

All right, I'll try...HAAH......HATSCHOOOOOH!" These were definitely more enjoyable and less rough than her usual ones.

"Did you ever get my tit? " asked Luna.

"HATSCHOOOOOH!" Your what?"

"My tit. In your tithole. You know."

Ginny pondered.

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*giggles happily* Aahahaha, this is too wonderful! The girls are SO cute! And sneezy Severus... Rowr! :yes: Me LIKES!

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Crumple horned snorkack in Norway?

Now where did I put that crop? I know I left it here somewhere.......

Edited to add I think Luna's tiny ladylike sneezes are wonderful. And her enthusiasm for sneezing and snuff is wonderfully in character. And the entire concept of her having cast the muffliato spell is ingenious. More please!

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Beautiful work with the interplay between Luna and Ginny. I love the way that you have them enjoying it while capturing their respective personalities. Please do continue.

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Aww, man -- this is awesome -- and so in-character!

And I can't get over the Ginny sneezes since that one beautiful drawing...

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Fit the third

"It's funny," Ginny said, "you don't see the tits around these days."

"Oh, they're there all right. They roost in the Forbidden Forest. Actually my father says that HAAAH-HAAAAH-Tsu! the Hogwarts Tit {tituba hogwartensis} is a separate species now, quite separate from the Long-tailed Tit. You just don't notice them, like you don't notice chickens in a farmhouse." Ginny's nose was running with a green slime. She wiped it with the hankie.

"Which tit was it?"

"You know, the one McGonagall made us write in the first term. The one we had to send to the girl we had the biggest crush on. Or crack is the traditional term. Strange that the authorities persist with a tradition clearly designed to discourage heterosexual sex in the days before contraception. Who did you send your tit to?"

"Haah-HAAAATCHOOOOH! Angelina. Well. she was the best girl Quidditch player at the time. I really did have a bit of a crush on her. Oh Heavah- Haaah- HAAAATCHOOOH!" Ginny had just remembered in that first week going to her tithole, stuffed then with fliers and circulars, and finding the tiny scroll the tit had delivered. It all came back to her; a very neatly, artistically written note, marred only by a large blot and an even larger inky thumbprint.

"Dear Ginny [it had read]

I think you are wonderful. You have lovely red hair and you are good at all these games. You are strong and brave and have lots of brothers. Please may I be your crack?

Lots of love from

L.X.deQ. Lovegood xxx"

" I remember I DID get your tit ; I thought it was a jo....HAAAH...HAAATISHOOOH! That is, a jolly good tit."

"Oh well, it's a pity you didn't HAAAAH-Tsu! reply." said Luna, without the slightest sarcasm.

"Oh Loony, you idiot!" Ginny threw her arms around her and pressed her lips to hers; they were thin, yet strangely gentle and wet; her pale cheeks extraordinarily soft. Her lankiness hid the cliche that her body was perfectly formed; her slim waist well covered, her bottom and small round breasts firm and well-proportioned. Luna tried to pull away, to Ginny's dismay, until she noticed the exquisitely sneezy expression on her face.

"HAAAAAAAH..." Ginny sneaked in a quick kiss, "Tsu!" sneezed Luna. A gorgeous girly spray wetted Ginny's freckled cheek with cool naughtiness.

"Oh, I'm sorry, " said Luna, "but if you're going to kiss me when I'm sneezy, you're asking for a huge soaking." and she re'engaged Ginny's lips. Ginny could feel Luna's hands all over the stuff of her gown, smoothing it down. Then she too felt the inevitability of an enormous sneeze. Reluctant to give offence by pulling away, she tried to hold it in, but of course it was hopeless. She felt her mouth pulling open, her breath starting to inhale. Conventional kissing action was not feasible. Through blurry eyes she watched Luna's face next to hers, regarding her coolly. Luna kissed her on the tip of her upturned nose, making the sneeze explode out. "HATISHOOOOOO!"

"You can sneeze all over me if you like, "said Luna, "I don't mind. Do you know you've got snuff all over your nose?"

"So have you!" said Ginny.

"This is fun, " said Luna" I wish we had tried it when we were young. Do you think we should do other things?" There was a pause. "Well, I think I'll take my skirt off, anyway." She unclipped her wraparound school skirt and discarded it with an extravagant gesture, so that it landed on the bed, revealing cream-coloured woolly knickers. She loosened her tie. Ginny wondered how to respond, and chose another sneeze. "HAAAATISHOOOOH!" She felt a stream of mucus, doubtless clad in pieces of pressed flower, running on her lip.

"Give me that hankie."said Luna, and bunching it up, wiped its colourful folds gently over Ginny's face; rubbing with infinite delicacy against her nose, finger and thumb caressing each side of her alae,. "Have a good blow". Ginny surrendered to the smooth redness of the cloth, breathed deeply , and blew wetly.

"PSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Sniff." The blow only seemed to emphasise the tickle it left behind, deep in her nares. She too unclasped and unwrapped her skirt, with somewhat less address, and aware suddenly that a certain dampness was causing the exiguous red cotton panties , bearing an image of a cuddly cartoon hippogriff, which she had chosen that morning, to adhere too closely to her groin. She blushed again, and saw that Luna had opened her white shirt to the waist, revealing her thin, white torso and the edges of small, very round breasts. Luna clasped her, rubbing cheeks, arms inside Ginny's gown. She moved her nose against Ginny's; it was soft and mobile, her broad, flat nostrils with a small , unprominent nasal bone, almost enveloping Ginny's , with its sharp, upturned point. She sensation was heavenly, as when Luna's hand slipped into the back of Ginny's panties and passed feather-like along the curve of her bottom, causing a thrill of surprise and pleasure. Luna was hoovering up the patches of snuff on Ginny's nose, and Ginny could feel Luna's nostrils swelling again.

"Hah!" said Luna, "Haaah...Haah...TSU! Sorry!". She kept nuzzling; and with her other hand took from behind her bottom a large lock of her pale blonde hair. Without breaking nose-contact, she began to tickle both their noses with the soft, silky hairs. "Haaaah" said Ginny in her turn. "Haaaaaah!"

"Sneeze on my breasts," whispered Luna desperately. Ginny did not feel she had much directional control, but did her best to push her head forward and down.

"Hah...HAAAAAAATSCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" she had to sneeze, jerking forward almost to touch Luna's pale cleavage. Luna gasped ecstatically as the heavy spray rained down on her small, rigid nipples. She sort of sat heavily down on the bed for hiding under, plucking nervously at her knicker elastic.

"Are you going to sneeze any more?" she gasped.

" I don't know; I still feel a bit sneezy."

" 'Cos I was just wondering if you might feel like sneezing on my...er....."

A familiar voice thundered out. " So we'll try an opening charm" said Snape from the broom-cupboard. "Abra cada abra!"


For now.

[i think we just got out in time]

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HOLLY SNEEZING WHILE HIDING :laugh: and you know how much I love that :drool:

That was a great story, thank you soooooo much for posting it ;) Now I have to go back and read it again :)

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:lol: Now what was it you said again.......oh yeah......"in essence, phwoar...."

;) "Sneeze on my breasts," :wallbash:

:frust: Ahem......

Well I'll just go and....erm.....make myself a cup of tea now. :yes:

Yep....that's what I'll do.

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  • 2 years later...


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