I Didn't Know Holograms Could Catch Colds

[Helzbelz]

Title: I Didn't Know Holograms Could Catch Colds

Fandom: Red Dwarf

Disclaimer: All of this is owned by Grant Naylor, not me (obviously ) except for the story.

Male sneezing

Summary: Rimmer's stuck in bed with a cold, and it's Lister's fault...

"Ah...Ah...Ahhshoo!"

Rimmer sniffed miserably. Three million years away from earth, deep in the furthest reaches of the galaxy, and he was stuck in bed with a smegging cold. He'd never thought that holograms could catch colds, in fact he'd never thought that holograms could ever get sick. But no, he was mistaken. Over that three million years, illnesses had developed and mutated so that holograms could catch anything and everything. Except smallpox for some unknown reason. He shivered and pulled his blanket tighter round him. Kryten had told him that it was just a little cold, but it felt worse than any cold he'd ever had.

First there was the pounding headache. Then there had come the fever with its hot and cold flushes. Then the sore throat and the persistent cough. And, of course, the sneezing.

He felt another tingle at the back of his nose. He snatched up a tissue, his head jerking back, his eyes tight shut as he felt the build up mounting.

"Ah...Ah..."

Then, finally, he sneezed.

"Aght-shoo!"

He blew his nose with a groan and threw the tissue into the slowly filling bin next to his bunk.

He blamed Lister for his predicament. It had been Lister's idea to go to that abandoned space centre. It had been Lister who had told them all that it was perfectly safe to go aboard. It had been Lister who had gone into the medi-bay and had opened a seemingly empty box out of curiosity.

It had then been Kryten who had analysed it and told them that it contained the hologramatical equivalent of the common cold.

And now, only a day later, here he was, red-nosed, pale-faced, shivering and sweating. He was about to turn over to get some sleep when Kryten entered.

“Hello, sir, I've just come to see how you're feeling.”

“Awful. Go away,” said Rimmer, rudely. Kryten shook his head.

“Now sir, I only want to check your temperature. Holly!” he called. The head of a blonde woman appeared on a screen next to the door. She looked over at them.

“What?” she asked.

“Could you check Mr. Rimmer's temperature please?” he asked.

A thermometer suddenly appeared in Rimmer's mouth then disappeared.

“Temperature is 100 degrees Celsius. So, still poorly then?”

“Well, whad do you thig?” said Rimmer, scowling at how congested his voice sounded. “Where's Cad and...Hehshoo!...Lisder?”

“They're helping me sort out the medicine and virus samples from the ship in the sick-bay. In fact, Mr. Lister said he'd pop by to visit.

“Oh, terrific,” muttered Rimmer. That was all he needed, Lister to come and visit him. A smiling Lister, a happy Lister.

A well Lister.

“Oh, sir, I thought you'd be glad of the company,” said Kryten.

“No,” said Rimmer, sniffing, “I'd prefer to suffer in peace.” He coughed violently into his fist, just as Lister walked in eating a chicken curry.

“Yo,” said Lister, “how's the patient?”

Rimmer scowled at him.

“Oh come on, it can't be that bad,” said Lister, putting his curry down on the table next to the bunk, “it's just a cold.”

“Three million years ago id was 'just a cold', but dow id's mutated and got worse. Ah...

Ahhshooo!"

“Bless you,” said Lister. “Look, sorry man, I didn't know that this was in the box otherwise I wouldn't have opened it. I didn't even know holograms could catch colds.”

“Id's too lade for apologies now,” said Rimmer. His face contorted and he sneezed again. “Ahhshoo!......Hehshoo!......Ah...Ahhshooo!" He sniffled and groaned. “Ohh...I wish I'd stop sdeezing.”

Lister thought for a second. “Well, when I was younger, whenever I got sick, me grandmother used to fix me chicken soup. Worked a treat. Why not ask Holly to make you some?”

Rimmer shrugged unhelpfully.

“Aw come on, Rimmer, help me out here. Well then, what did your parents do when you got sick?”

Rimmer blew his nose and looked up at him.

“I tried to avoid getting sick when I was young. My parents had no sympathy for us if we were ill, my father saw it as a sign of weakness. The only time I got to stay in bed was when I caught a horrible flu and was sent home from school because I was coughing and sneezing so much.”

For once, Lister genuinely felt sorry for Rimmer. Lister had never felt he'd had the best childhood ever, but listening to Rimmer's memories made him feel like he couldn't have asked for anything better. He looked down at the pink-nosed hologram and then at Holly.

“Hey, Hol, fix Rimmer some chicken soup would ya?”

At once, a bowl of steaming hot chicken soup appeared on Rimmer's bunk. He looked at Lister suspiciously.

“Eat it,” said Lister. “Go on, you'll feel tons better afterwards, I promise you.”

Rimmer was about to say something along the lines of 'why-should-I-believe you?', when he was caught off guard by a surprise sneeze.

"Ah...Ahhshooo!"

“Come on, Kryten, lets leave him to it,” said Lister, and they both wandered out. Rimmer looked down at his bowl of hologramatical soup. Even the croutons were in the shape of H's.

It's pointless to eat it, he thought to himself. He wouldn't be able to taste it properly. He sighed, picked up a spoonful of soup and swallowed some. Even though he couldn't taste it, he could feel it's warmth rushing through his body. He settled back into his pillows and began to eat. Lister had been right, he did feel better.

But he'd never tell him.

[silentdreamer789]

Very nice. From what I've seen of the show, all the characters were spot on, too.

[count tiszula]

Terrific! I loved the croutons in the shape of Hs! In fact I lolled.

Dare we hope for more; perhaps the even more therapeutic power of Vindaloo?

[Guest Serenity]

I adore Red Dwarf. Thank you for this!

Lister has too big a heart for his own good, after all Rimmer's done to him. I agree, the characterizations are spot-on!

It's smegging good!

[chui]

never seen Red Dwarf, so im not familair with the characters....but this is really cool. i hope you write more!!

[Triosk1]

Stoke me a clipper...a Red Dwarf sneezefic! And a damn good one as well. Really brill job - loved the characterisation, and Rimmer being all fed up and still morally superior - I could so hear all of them acting it all out. So yes...wow *goes back to reread*

Particularly liked these bits:

Over that three million years, illnesses had developed and mutated so that holograms could catch anything and everything. Except smallpox for some unknown reason.

“Come on, Kryten, lets leave him to it,” said Lister, and they both wandered out. Rimmer looked down at his bowl of hologramatical soup. Even the croutons were in the shape of H's.

I also Lolled.

[Glowie]

Gah!! Oh my god, thank you so so much for this. I love it! Wow, what a way to brighten what has been a fairly dismal week for me so far. You are an absolute smegging legend. *hugs*