A Black Books fic!

[crazy_cat_girl]

I just recently discovered this fantastic British sit-com through some friends who had the DVD set. Thoroughly in love with Bernard, I watched every single episode on You-Tube! Gosh, Dylan Moran is just so clever! Anyway, I couldn't resist a little cold fic. Enjoy!

"Eh-CHMPFT!"

Manny stopped his sweeping and looked around the shop. There were no customers present, so the sneeze must have come from Bernard. But his boss was in the same exact position he had been in for hours; hunched over a novel at his desk, a cigarette perched between his lips, a glass of wine by his elbow.

"Bless you?" Manny offered to the shop in general. He returned to sweeping, confused.

"Eh-Chmpft!"

This time, Manny spun around and managed to catch Bernard trying to stave off a third sneeze.

The Irishman's face scrunched up, then momentarily released, then scrunched again and he heaved a giant breath.

"Eh-"

One slender hand quickly raised to remove the cigarette and to loosely cover his nose and mouth.

"CHMPFFT!"

The jolt tossed his hair over his eyes and with a sigh, Bernard used the same hand to run through the ruffled black strands.

"Double bless you." Manny said but Bernard didn't look up from the text. "Sounds like you might be coming down with-"

"Eh-Chuush!" Bernard snapped forward and sneezed against the pages of his book, his cigarette making an quick exodus from his mouth to his lap.

"Damn it!" He roared and slammed the book down.

"What?"

"I can't read and sneeze at the same time," he grumbled, "And I've burnt a hole in my trousers."

He sniffled, rather pathetic, and started to blow his nose in his sleeve.

"No, no, hey, stop that," Manny produced a large white handkerchief from his pants pocket.

"Here."

Bernard took the hanky with a look of gratitude that was buried under copious amounts of annoyance.

He blew into it noisily.

"Better?" Manny asked, glad to be of help.

"Am I still living?" Bernard mockingly took his own pulse. "Oh! I am! Then...no." He coughed and Manny clucked his tongue.

"well, you do look a little pale. Paler than usual, that is. For someone who never steps outside except to push old ladies in the road."

"That was my great Aunt Tilly and she deserved it!" Bernard protested and was interrupted by another bout of gruff coughing.

Manny felt a pang of worry at the sound of it. He placed his wrist against Bernard's forehead and the coughing man ducked away from the touch.

"H-Hey! Don't take advantage of me, you fleshy baboon!"

"I'm not! You're obviously sick. I was just trying to take your temperature."

"I'm not sick, and don't touch me," Bernard stood up, but swayed on his feet. He reached out and got a grasp on his friend's arm,

"Manny. I think..... I'm sick."

Supporting him with one arm, Manny again laid a fretful hand on his brow. He hissed and retracted it, theatrically waving it as though burned.

"You've definitely got a fever."

"Heh-" Bernard got a distant look on his face, his dark eyes trying to focus at some far away point. His mouth came ajar and his whole face shivered once before delivering a wet and resounding-

"CHUSH!"-into the handkerchief he was still clutching desperately. The impact made his tenuous grip on gravity falter and he would have fallen if Manny didn't reach around and grasp him under his other arm.

"Easy, easy," Manny led him over to the low leather sofa and gently let him down.

"How much have you had to drink today, Bernard?"

Bernard tried his best to look cross at the insinuation.

"None!"

Manny cleared his throat.

"Some. Okay, a bottle, but that's all, I swear."

"Well, no more until you are feeling better. I'll make you some tea."

Manny started jogging off towards the kitchen, planning more than just plain tea. A little lemon and some honey would properly fix Bernard and make him feel better. And maybe some soup later if he had the time to prepare it-

"Manny."

He reluctantly let go his train of thought and turned.

"Yes, Bernard? You need something?"

Bernard vigorously rubbed his hand over his face and didn't make eye-contact.

"Thanks," he muttered quietly, then waved Manny on about his business, trying to regain his former callousness.

Manny shook his head.

"You must be sick, Bernard."

"Not sick," Bernard grumbled as he slid down on the couch and curled in on himself.

He was soundly sleeping when Manny returned with the tea. He tip-toed to the front door and flipped the OPEN sign to CLOSED.

"Sleep tight, Bernard," he said, and placed the tea carefully beside the sofa on the floor. He quietly made his way to the back of the shop where he could hear if his friend woke up.

******************************************************************************

[Quite Contrary]

Very sweet story. I liked it. I don't know the sit-com, but the characters are cool. Good job.

[Vetinari]

I like it!

Can I go into Emergency Bernard Mode now please?

[Helzbelz]

Aww, Manny's sweet. That was really good, I could hear the characters in my head, gotta love Black Books.

"Better?" Manny asked, glad to be of help.

"Am I still living?" Bernard mockingly took his own pulse. "Oh! I am! Then...no."

I love that line, and the bit about his Aunt Tilly

[silentdreamer789]

Briliant! Loved Bernard's mixture of being in denial and whining. Very him. Great fic all told.

[Jorm]

*slinks furtively out of lurkdom*

This was awesome! I can't believe someone actually posted a Bernard Black Books fic! And perfectly written too! You captured the characters exactly! Thank you so much for posting this! I've been wanting to write a Bernard fic myself for AGES now but nothing has ever come of it, so I'm thrilled SOMEBODY did it! And like I said, you did it wonderfully! The interplay between the two of them is spot on! The wit and everything is just, YES. Even just the pacing of dialogue was perfect! So yes, thank you SO much for posting this! *flails at* Would it be horribly presumptuous of me to ask if there might be a sequel?

Yeah, Dylan is absolutely brilliant! Have you seen any of his stand-up? He's one of my favourites. Oh, and if you ever get the chance, buy the DVDs of Black Books! Not just because the show is so ridiculously fantastic, but because in the audio commentary Dylan actually SNEEZES. It's been a bit since I listened to it, but I think it's three times, at least two, all in the commentary for series one. I know there are two in the commentary from the first episode, and I'm pretty sure there's another one in a later episode. And Bill (Manny) jokes that he should make a sneeze track. I have no idea if Dylan was sick or anything, but I like to think he was

Cheers

Can I go into Emergency Bernard Mode now please?

Just you remember that's MY Emergency Bernard Mode you're borrowing! Could possibly use a bit at the moment actually

*slinks back into lurkdom*

[Guest TrapRose]

Ooh, this was great! Wonderfully in-character-- I loved the dialogue. Cranky Bernard, solicitous Manny, what a delight. Thank you for sharing this!

I second the vote for the Black Books DVDs; Dylan's audio-commentary sneezing was a nice (unexpected) bonus.

[Jemmabean]

Just teasing, just teasing. Good to see you around again, Fifi!!

And as far as the fic... I am not familiar with the fandom, but I certainly loved the writing style. Keep it up, CCG!

[crazy_cat_girl]

Aw, thanks, everybody!!! I am so happy that a bunch of you know the series because it is just so darn cute!!!

mkool000 Glad you liked it! If you are interested in the series at all, you can watch all of the episodes on YouTube. Just search Black Books. Or Dylan Moran. He's an excellent stand up comedian. Thanks!

Vetinari I'm really glad you enjoyed it! And that you knew the fandom! I don't know what it is about these caustic, sarcastic males : Bernard, House, ect. But they are so HOT!

HelzBelz Thanks for reading! I had a really hard time trying to come up with believable dialogue. I wish there had been MORE Black Books episodes...but I am really greedy and want Dylan all to myself!

Silentdreamer789 Thanks a lot! I'm happy you enjoyed it! Bernard's character is a bit of challenge so I am very honored by your compliment!

Fifi- Thanks so much for the compliment! I think it would totally awesome if you wrote a Bernard fic. It's so exciting to read other peoples' takes on the characters and situations. And frankly, I wish there were a few more to read. :-) I certainly think there might be a sequel. Or another one shot. Bernard is just to adorable to pass up.

I've watched a ton of Dylan Moran stuff on YouTube and I have to say he is one of the most hilarious comedians I've ever watched. He's just about the king of dead-pan, I think. Bill Bailey isn't too bad either. But Dylan is top dog, in my eyes.

He sneezes in the commentary!? I have to get a copy because I am dying to hear what he sounds like when he sneezes!!!!!

TrapRose Thanks for reading! Man, I really have to get my hands on the DVD now.

Thousand Yard Stare Thanks for reading! Glad you liked it, TYS~

YAY!

[the texaskid]

Holy Moley! A Black Books fic? There's a thing it never occurred to me to hope for!

Particularly liked Manny describing Bernard as "someone who never steps outside except to push old ladies into the road". It's so very much a)something Manny would say and b)something Bernard would do...

And-hold on-DM *sneezes* in the commentary? How'd I miss that? *throws self at dvd shelf to investigate*

[Jorm]

Fifi- Thanks so much for the compliment! I think it would totally awesome if you wrote a Bernard fic. It's so exciting to read other peoples' takes on the characters and situations. And frankly, I wish there were a few more to read. :-) I certainly think there might be a sequel. Or another one shot. Bernard is just to adorable to pass up.

I've watched a ton of Dylan Moran stuff on YouTube and I have to say he is one of the most hilarious comedians I've ever watched. He's just about the king of dead-pan, I think. Bill Bailey isn't too bad either. But Dylan is top dog, in my eyes.

He sneezes in the commentary!? I have to get a copy because I am dying to hear what he sounds like when he sneezes!!!!!

And-hold on-DM *sneezes* in the commentary? How'd I miss that? *throws self at dvd shelf to investigate*

Shamefully late in replying, but yes, yes, yes, to both of you! Have finally gotten around to checking and Dylan sneezes thrice in the audio commentaries for series one! Twice in succession during the first episode and one again during the third. You can't see them of course, but they sound like lovely overwhelming unrestrained full body sneezes. You know, the sort that would bend you in two with the force. I totally did NOT ruin my rewind button listening to them over and over again.... Ok, maybe just a little.

And Cat_Girl, he really is too adorable to pass up, isn't it? Have you seen the episode 'Manny Come Home'? That was the one that really started giving me naughty Bernard ideas and he is an adorable pathetic miserable little thing in it. Dylan is definitely among the top three comedians in my book, the other two being Bill Bailey and Eddie Izzard, but no question when it comes to dead pan, no one can top Dylan. The way he sets you up completely serious and then... "And then the cage comes down!" Bill's stuff is excellent as well, but a very different tone. Dylan is dead pan and caustic and Bill is just downright bizarrely surreal

[Glowie]

I've been wanting to comment on this for the last month, but I've been away with very little 'net access, so it had to wait til now.

This was completely awesome! Black Books is quite possibly my favourite TV show ever (if someone absolutely forced me at gunpoint... it's like choosing between your fave children, hehe). Your characterisation was spot-on, especially:

"Eh-Chuush!" Bernard snapped forward and sneezed against the pages of his book, his cigarette making an quick exodus from his mouth to his lap.

"Damn it!" He roared and slammed the book down.

"What?"

"I can't read and sneeze at the same time," he grumbled, "And I've burnt a hole in my trousers."

That was so brilliant, because I could actually see and hear that in my mind as though it was playing in an episode! Had me in fits of giggles.

Loved it.