BF is sick, and I am SUCKING at taking care of him!

[elements]

So, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here...maybe just an audience who can understand.

My bf and I have been together for 4.5 years. He is VERY indulgent of my fetish, but it seems (and I have brought this up before) that he ALWAYS sneezes when I am not around. Frustrating, but not something I want to make him feel guilty for.

So I was sick for a while and he was taking amazing care of me (as he really always does). Now he is sick, and it is time to return the favor and I am SUCKING at this so hardcore. It shouldn't be like that because I used to be a great caretaker, because I love it, and it really does it for me like sneezing..the whole bit. But, since I know he knows, and I know its not MY secret thing anymore...its hard to like care for him because im worried he can tell im turned on or something. And I hate getting turned on by his misery (mod question..is saying turned on an 18+ thing? I mean just by the site being a fetish site, I would think certain things are a given sexually? Sorry, please let me know and of course move if you feel it is appropriate)

Anyway, I get really thoroughly upset and all worked up when he is sick and there are no sneezes...then the rare time he does sneeze (or like earlier when I saw him looking at the light anticipating one, and it didn't come) I get so turned on but frustrated at the same time. And I don't want to seem too turned on to like be practical and take care of him.

So basically I almost seem a bit stressed and ticked off when I take care of him..and that is TERRIBLE because it is not fair to him, and I want to do better than that..but the whole thing just leaves me upset and I want to cry, and that's not fair to him. I just walk around like im pretty busy and fitting in getting him soup or tea etc. I avoid eye contact and physical contact, because I can't handle how much I want to see him sneeze, and how I feel when he doesn't. I just dwell on the ones I will miss when he is in class tomorrow from 7 am to 5:15...and part of me wants text updates, but then I just get mad...as in WHY NOT WHEN YOU WERE HOME WITH ME ALL NIGHT!!??

I'm sorry...you can really just ignore this. I just needed to "talk" to someone who might get what I mean, or at least wont judge me. I just feel like a terrible person, and that I am less than he deserves when this happens. And I get totally down on myself, and angry about the fetish. I don't want to do that.

Any suggestions are welcomed. Even tell me how terrible I am...maybe it will be incentive to be better. Not that I don't feel it already.

And I'm sorry this is such a downer. But..man do I appreciate a place to be able to explain this, whether someone listens or not.

And to those who do respond, I know you are a special few who are just there for us as people and not just for the fetishy side of the site. I appreciate you.

-Elements

[prisma]

Your not a bad person. At all! Once when I was taking care of a sick boy friend who knew I told him........ I just want you to feel WORSE!

And I actually said it to him. So............. I wouldent worry too much. People here understand. And he may to .......... you should just let him know how you are feeling and why you be acting all weird around him. If you confess your guilt you may not feel so bad and he may have a bit more insight into your festish

[elements]

Update: hating myself and my fetish more.

I spent the whole night with him, sniffling and turning me on....and then we took a shower together.

After he got out of the shower, he left and I was just finishing up..and I was thinking, "you know, with my luck, he is going to sneeze out there, think I heard it and be all proud and I'm going to feel a knife going into my stomach"

so..he rushes into the bathroom with no explanation, and after a few secs of silence I opened the door and said.. "are you ok?"

and he said "yea, damn, I just sneezed outside, and I came in here for the second one...but it didn't come...did you hear!??"

I MEAN ....this is not a RARE occasion...this happens all the time. And my stomach feels like it is on fire...with passion I can't express, and anger that is unfair toward him. and now I am sitting outside and he wants to know what is wrong..but if I tell him, it wil make him feel guilty and I dont want to do that to him! Plus...I dont want it to SEEM like it is such a big deal, cause they he gets more anxiety over it, and therefore sneezes LESS in front of me.

s"Oizfkux;hxigdzjsAFKLgn...you know?

and thank you Prisma, for your response. I just feel like telling him would put an unfair weight on him. It's hard enough carrying this and I don't want him to feel it. I don't know. I have told him in the past...so I am pretty sure he gets what is going on...and there really is just nothing to be done I think.

[Mf1611]

i do the same thing when i like someone's sneeze is if there not gonna be around me and they sneeze then when there around they dont sneeze at all i get all upset cause everytime i am not with them they do not sneeze so i try not to think of it when there not around cause it only upsets me more.

[The Mute Poet]

(mod question..is saying turned on an 18+ thing? I mean just by the site being a fetish site, I would think certain things are a given sexually? Sorry, please let me know and of course move if you feel it is appropriate)

Nope, it's pretty much perfectly fine to mention being turned on so long as you don't go into any graphic or explicit detail. We try to allow for some flexibility because just as you said, this is a fetish site in the end.

[Wishing]

Awww hun (big hugs), I understand how you feel. It can be so frustrating...my DP does not have the fetish himself (and he certainly doesn't know that I do) so I can't even talk to him when I feel the way you do. I'm just so glad that I found this forum where I can talk openly about how I feel and just be myself.

You are not a bad person at all, so please don't beat yourself up. None of us can help the way we feel, but we can help what we do about it. I think if you can talk to him about it, then it might not be a bad thing, and as he knows about your fetish anyway, he is bound to be understanding. I have a similar problem with my DP when it comes to not hearing him sneeze that often. The double I did hear out of him last night was the first I had heard him sneeze for about a week or so, and even when he's ill, it doesn't happen that often. He has a cold right now (just posted about all this in the Obs forum, plus some self obs as I have a dust allergy). This morning he looked so much as if he was about to sneeze before he left for work but it didn't happen. Then he tells me in an email this afternoon that he's been sneezing at work...typical! I so want him to come home so I can hear some more sneezes, cuddle him and look after him, but I know there's a possibility that he just might not sneeze this evening. It's happened before when he's had colds, twice last year he was sneezing at work during the day, and then in the evening, nothing. The last cold he had before this one (about New Year) I did hear him sneeze but I think the only reason for that was because he was off work for the week at the time (and even then it was only 5 sneezes over the course of the cold). He's not a very sneezy person anyway, and I have just had to learn to accept that and make the most of the ones I do hear when they happen to come along.

Anyway I probably haven't helped you much by rambling on like that, but I hope if nothing else you feel less alone than you did. Feel free to get in touch with me if you want a chat...I'm fairly new here so can't PM just yet, but hopefully it won't be too long. This is a great place and there is always someone there who will listen and understand

[elements]

Mute: thanks so much for getting back to me on that

mf1 and wishing4sneezes: THANK YOU. It is nice to know that other people feel that way...to just hear it. It really does help, and I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about it.

Do you guys prefer to get texts from your SO when they sneeze? I mean he would keep me updated on texts...but yea, then wishing 4sneezes..its like you KNOW he sneezed all day, and then didn't around you...so better to keep it a mystery, you think? less torture? Or should I try to enjoy the stories I am missing?

actually, I was wondering...is anyone on here a therapist that could give a psychological perspective on this? I feel that I react so strongly..so uncontrollably, that it must go to the fact that this is some form of conditioning...i can't override my feelings with my practical mind at all..

I figure I would check with someone who GETS the fetish and also happens to be a Psychologist too...

Mod Note: Merged posts ~Mute

[Wishing]

You're very welcome...as they say, a trouble shared is a trouble halved It does help to know that others understand...

As far as the psychology side of it goes, I can't really offer any advice there as I'm not one, but I can completely relate to how you're feeling. For years I had no idea this was a 'fetish', I just thought I was completely nuts and considered having some kind of counselling to sort my head out and help me control my emotions and reactions, etc...but having said that I'm glad I didn't now. Everyone is different though....

As for texts, obviously no on my part. If my DP is at work with a cold, and I ask him how he's feeling, then sometimes he will say he's been sneezing, but as he knows nothing about my fetish (and I couldn't tell him, at least not yet), he would think it a bit odd if I asked him to text me every time he sneezed. He just said today that he had 'sneezed a few times', and with him not being a very sneezy person at the best of times, I can hazard a guess that it probably means about 3 or 4. In truth, I'm not sure I would really want to know anyway, even if he did know about my fetish, because it would mean more torture, so you have a good point there. I think sometimes it's better if there is an element of mystery about it...you know, if you don't know what you're missing, etc.

On the other hand, there is something you could try, but only if you feel able to. As he knows about your fetish, then rather than letting on to him how upset you are that he sneezes when you're not around, tell him instead how much you love and appreciate it that he takes the time to share it with you (sending you text updates, etc) and how much that turns you on. Almost like a reverse psychology kind of thing, if you like...it takes the pressure off, and if you're able to do something like that, you might just find he starts to relax, and in turn will sneeze more often when he's around you. Of course these things take time, but it's worth a thought

[blackrose]

my advice, just talk to him about it.

[obsessed]

You could tell him, or you could just try taking care of him. You said yourself that you used to be a great care taker.

So perhaps you could just try the same techniques. And while you might get frustrated about him not sneezing, you could always just do your best, and hope that maybe he'll let a few slip.

[Silent Sophie]

Aw dear, I feel myself so close to you!

My fetish isn't only about sneezes but also about every side of sickness, weakness, fever... I feel so guilty, so bad, because i don't wanna see my partner to suffer, really I don't, it hurts me, but I can't avoid some reaction at the same time, and I don't know what to think about myself. I love taking care of him and I do it, but this is also a reason of guilty feelings, 'cause I know that caretaking is a sort of fetish for me as well, and it seem to myself like I was somehow egoist even though I really worry about him and I do everything with true love. I've never told him about my fetish, I think that I'd be such a panicked if he knew how I feel... But look, he doesn't, and I still feel this way, so probably it doesn't depend on what our partners really think about us, I guess. Your boyfriend already knows about your fetish and he's okay with it... I think he could accept you more than how you can accept yourself.

I'm really sorry, I know that isn't much helpful to you, but I totally understand your bad feelings and I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Do you guys prefer to get texts from your SO when they sneeze? I mean he would keep me updated on texts...but yea, then wishing 4sneezes..its like you KNOW he sneezed all day, and then didn't around you...so better to keep it a mystery, you think? less torture? Or should I try to enjoy the stories I am missing?

Like I was saying, my partner doesn't know about me, so it happened just one time. We were in chat together and he sent me a message badly written, so then he wrote, "Sorry, I pressed the wrong keys because of a strong sneeze. I'm sneezing so much tonight". Honestly? Even though it was awful to me not be with him at that moment, I was nearly dead. So yes, I think that I'd love text updates.

But I also can imagine that it's frustrating to you, having his sneeze from texts only.

actually, I was wondering...is anyone on here a therapist that could give a psychological perspective on this? I feel that I react so strongly..so uncontrollably, that it must go to the fact that this is some form of conditioning...i can't override my feelings with my practical mind at all..

Uh, I think that there's not anyone who could override the reactions of a fetish. Maybe we can hide them, but I don't think it's possible to suffocate. But well, I'm not a psycologist.

Anyway, I'd like to have this psychological perspective too.

[Nicole]

I figure I would check with someone who GETS the fetish and also happens to be a Psychologist too...

elements, it doesn't help, trust me! I'm a psychiatrist, and there are ways that I react because of the fetish that I can't stand... I'm a fairly psychologically insightful person, and I've REALLY tried to make some sense of things for myself. I even talked to my own psychologist about certain aspects of it that bother me, and HE couldn't even come up with anything. I don't think that's because it transcends logic or anything, but I think it's not something that can be simply answered; it's obviously very complicated and multi-faceted, so it would be hard to come up with an accurate reason in a short period of time. The fact that none of us really "know" you makes it all the more challenging. And even if you were seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist, you would probably need several sessions devoted to this to even hit the tip of the iceberg.

Does that make sense?

[elements]

I figure I would check with someone who GETS the fetish and also happens to be a Psychologist too...

elements, it doesn't help, trust me! I'm a psychiatrist, and there are ways that I react because of the fetish that I can't stand... I'm a fairly psychologically insightful person, and I've REALLY tried to make some sense of things for myself. I even talked to my own psychologist about certain aspects of it that bother me, and HE couldn't even come up with anything. I don't think that's because it transcends logic or anything, but I think it's not something that can be simply answered; it's obviously very complicated and multi-faceted, so it would be hard to come up with an accurate reason in a short period of time. The fact that none of us really "know" you makes it all the more challenging. And even if you were seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist, you would probably need several sessions devoted to this to even hit the tip of the iceberg.

Does that make sense?

Yes, it does. Thank you. It actually feels really good to hear all of that. I really appreciate you taking the time to share that and explain. Of course...we both live in NJ (when Im not in school) so...hey wanna be my psychiatrist? haha kidding.

I really have never tried therapy, but I was just feeling so lost...and confused. But it really helps to have your input on this. Thanks so much.

And to the rest of you....

I updated everything on an adult board post...because I took your advice (AND THANK YOU) and talking to my love, and he was so understanding...and it lead to some fun time So if you wanna read more head over there

Mod Note: Merged posts ~Mute

[The Mute Poet]

Nice job elements! I'm really glad to hear that is seems to have worked out quite well between you guys. Just goes to show that alot of the time openness can go a long, long when with things like this.

[Wishing]

Awww I'm so happy things are working out, elements, that's great news!

I'm just so sorry I can't read your update, I'm not eligible to access the adult board just yet

Hopefully soon though.....

[Katsuo]

It's great that you talk to him o/

and don't feel bad because happens to me too, my gf sneezes at least once a day (and i feel little embarrassed because i want so badly see it that i keep staring at her XD) so that is good but i want more, but she lives in other town and everytime that she is getting sick is the time that she's going back to her city, is so FRUSTRATING...

[Silent Sophie]

Oh I'm really happy for your good news, elements!