Humiliation and denial?

[Vetinari]

I had an odd experience this morning and it brought back something I thought I had got over. It's more cold related than sneeze related on this occasion but I think the same principles would apply.

I was at school today. I drive there every day with a German friend. She's very kind and obviously she enjoys looking after people. I had told her yesterday that I had a sore throat and she said she had too. Another friend of ours came in last week with very fluey symptoms and we joked about how generous he had been with his viruses as we were both feeling a bit rough.

Yesterday evening when I was reading to my daughter my voice started to become quite hoarse and when I woke up this morning it was worse. There was no disguising it and when I got into the car and spoke my friend immediately commented on it. She, on the contrary, was actually much better. In my first class I had an unusual (for me) problem when the teacher didn't understand what I said until I had repeated it several times which I found rather embarrassing in itself.

So in the second lesson I was just very quiet. I didn't answer any of the teacher's questions and when we had a verbal exercise in groups my friend told me that I shouldn't talk today so I just sat there and listened. Then at some point the teacher asked something and my friend announced loudly that I wasn't speaking today because I had a sore throat. The teacher asked if I would like one of her throat sweets and left the classroom to go and get it. Another friend turned round and gave me his throat sweets too. I really didn't want all the attention and began to wish I could sink into the floor. By then I was starting to feel quite rotten as well. I'm not sure if I was running a fever but it's very likely from the way I was feeling. I wanted just to sit very quietly and not have any attention drawn to me but my friend kept looking at me in a concerned way, at one point even putting her hand on my forehead. And all this time other people were having their attention drawn to me.

But I'm not sure why I felt quite so embarrassed. I think it's related to the fact that I was brought up in a household where people who went out and spread their colds around were denounced as being dreadful selfish people. And I felt bad that I had gone in when I was unwell but I really hadn't felt particularly ill in the morning despite the fact that my voice was a bit croaky. But now I was there I felt trapped, feeling ill and unable to escape because to go home would have required my friend to leave early too so it was a bigger deal than if I had been there alone. Undoubtedly if we hadn't been sharing a car I would have just left.

All this is the reason why for many years I would deny having colds and would try as hard as I could to minimise the symptoms and try to appear normal. I think it's also why I can't very often sneeze in front of people as well.

Has anyone else felt this way? Intensely humiliated about the possibility of passing something on. More than that I think it is related to the thought that others might be looking at me and thinking of that too and that they might think that I am disgusting. Denial is much better!

[Nicole]

Hmmmm...interesting topic!

First, I'm really sorry you're feeling so lousy. That's a drag. I do experience what you're describing, but I'm never feeling badly about the possibility of passing any germs on. When I'm sick, and if I HAVE to be somewhere, I stay away from people, do a lot of handwashing, and always, always cover my mouth and nose when coughing or sneezing. I know these aren't foolproof ways of keeping germs contained, but it's better than those disgusting people who go around breathing on you and touching everything and not covering anything.

I mostly don't want the attention from people. I hate when someone asks me if I'm not feeling well (unless it's someone I'm attracted to, funny enough), and I don't like being coddled or fawned over. I think every time I was sick last year I blew it off, saying it was allergies, and then purposely went out of my way to do something strenuous or at least mildly taxing just to "prove" that I was fine. I hate being pitied.

[Vetinari]

I mostly don't want the attention from people. I hate when someone asks me if I'm not feeling well (unless it's someone I'm attracted to, funny enough), and I don't like being coddled or fawned over. I think every time I was sick last year I blew it off, saying it was allergies, and then purposely went out of my way to do something strenuous or at least mildly taxing just to "prove" that I was fine. I hate being pitied.

Yes, yes, yes that describes it exactly. It was just particularly bloody today because I felt rough enough that I couldn't do anything to "prove" I was fine. I don't often feel that bad. Normally I can hide everything quite easily.

[Kiwifruit]

OMG, I could have written this I'm exactly the same, I absolutely hate anyone knowing I'm sick and I'll go to ridiculous lengths to hide it if I am. I haven't sneezed in front of anyone or blown my nose in front of anyone since I was really little, even when I was 4/5 I had a thing about it. It's really ridiculous and often makes me feel worse, but I dunno, "humiliation and denial" describes it perfectly

[a red nine]

I was sick a while with a weird coughing thing a few weeks back that was going around my school. My mom and sister got it too, which I realized was probably my fault, but a few other kids at my school that knew me began to blame me for their illness as well. I wasn't the only one who had it, I shouldn't be the only disease-bearer they could contrive it from. It was slightly annoying anyway, but yeah, when I actually had it, I was kind of awkward to be coughing left and right, especially in cooking. I had to keep turning away to cough and stuff and I had a feeling my group was about ready to kill me with worry for their food. Sorry 'bout that, cooking group, wherever you are.

[Kiwifruit]

I don't even cough in public unless it's obvious that it's not from being sick, like inhaling water or something (I'm good at doing that xD) If I am sick and want to cough I use water to keep myself from doing it...it makes me feel awful by the end of the day generally but I dunno, I'm phobic xD

[Meowcat]

Wow... yes, I'm intensely careful not to show my symptoms if I have a cold (I don't have allergies)

It have nothing to do with germs for me.. mostly I get really embarrassed if people comment on me sounding sick, or blessing me (!!!!) I can honestly say I've been actively hiding my sneezes since I was 5 years old, and probably haven't sneezed in front of anyone for over 10 years. I'm alright with coughing if I'm around people who don't care.. but coughing around family still makes me nervous =/

[Raining Strawberry]

Wow... yes, I'm intensely careful not to show my symptoms if I have a cold (I don't have allergies)

It have nothing to do with germs for me.. mostly I get really embarrassed if people comment on me sounding sick, or blessing me (!!!!) I can honestly say I've been actively hiding my sneezes since I was 5 years old, and probably haven't sneezed in front of anyone for over 10 years. I'm alright with coughing if I'm around people who don't care.. but coughing around family still makes me nervous =/

Yeah, same for me, in part. When I'm first starting to get sick, I do try to hide it from my family. My dad is one of those who, first thing in the morning, will say, "which of you was it that I heard coughing last night? Are you sick? You need to start taking x-number of vitamin C's starting right now..." I don't mind the C's, but the confrontation-- just knowing that someone's listening to it-- makes me horribly self-conscious. Buuuut, once they know, I go eh, whatever, and cough and blow my nose all I like. But no sneezing. Ever. Ever. EVER.

(Waitin' for the day when someone asks why they've never heard me sneeze... )

[Kiwifruit]

(Waitin' for the day when someone asks why they've never heard me sneeze... )

Oh man, I worried about this for ages...and I have a reply all ready for if anyone does... Thankfully most people don't really think about it all that much

[Selene]

My dad is one of those who, first thing in the morning, will say, "which of you was it that I heard coughing last night? Are you sick? You need to start taking x-number of vitamin C's starting right now..." I don't mind the C's, but the confrontation-- just knowing that someone's listening to it-- makes me horribly self-conscious.

It is absolutely the same for me and my mom. She is so alarmed all the time when I just sneeze more than once (the casual whatever-sneeze) and she tries to find out what it is exactly and how it happened and so on. It makes me feel really uncomfortable and she always has this worried look on her face and keeps on telling me what to eat and when to sleep and what to wear when I am sick. It's really annoying and I don't like to be treated like a dying person just because I have a cold.

So usually, I try to avoid showing that I am sick and I try to keep sneezing/ coughing in front of her to a minimum which could be considered as the casual meaningless cough/ sneeze.

[Raining Strawberry]

(Waitin' for the day when someone asks why they've never heard me sneeze... )

Oh man, I worried about this for ages...and I have a reply all ready for if anyone does... Thankfully most people don't really think about it all that much

You have a response?? I really don't know what I would say... once at camp I complained that I was sick and a girl (who sneezes a lot) said, "But you're not sneezing!" I was like... awkward... "Well... I do... sometimes..." I'm glad nobody I'm close to was around, because I have one of the worst poker faces on the planet.

Would you be willing to share your pre-planned response?

[Kiwifruit]

lol nothing earth shaking...I just plan to say something along the lines of "Wow, you've been so deprived" with a grin xD Make the conversation light and humorous and hopefully make people laugh and therefore distract them from going "Hey, yeah, you know what, I haven't either..."

I figure a silly little planned response like that will prevent me from freezing and going "Er...yes...well...ah...um...hey look, a change of subject!"

[Raining Strawberry]

lol nothing earth shaking...I just plan to say something along the lines of "Wow, you've been so deprived" with a grin xD Make the conversation light and humorous and hopefully make people laugh and therefore distract them from going "Hey, yeah, you know what, I haven't either..."

You've been so deprived! I love that.

Now that I think about it I guess the answer I'd try to spit out would be, "Oh really? You never have? Hm." But adding something funny at the end, depending on who I'm with, sounds brilliant.

[salmaherrick]

I think it's related to the fact that I was brought up in a household where people who went out and spread their colds around were denounced as being dreadful selfish people.

I don't think I ever try and hide being sick. Okay that's a lie, I will around my mother only because she will try and cram 10 different vitamins and horse pills down my throat. I do catch myself overly self conscious when I sneeze or cough in public though. I get all paranoid that people around me are upset or even mad and don't want my germs, that they are all scooting away from me. Maybe it's more guilt I feel rather then humiliation.

I recall when I used to work as a bartender and I had this wicked cold I couldn't shake for nearly 2 weeks. Obviously I wasn't going to take that much time off from work and they didn't really have replacement for me either so I got stuck working the whole time and was miserable. I couldn't stop sneezing or coughing and nothing seemed to really work. I felt like I was this diseased thing that was passing germs each time I made a drink or opened a bottle of beer even though I washed my hands constantly. I think I wanted to crawl into a hole each time I had to look at people's faces after I would cough or sneeze and had to give them their drinks. The experience was so bad that if I felt a cold coming on, I would panic and start taking all those pills my mother normally offered. Haha.

[Victoria]

I grew up in a house that treated colds like the plague, too. I remember my mother dosing me with all different kinds of medicine at the first little cough or even a clearing of the throat. So I got really good at hiding symptoms so she wouldn't know or at the very least trying hard to minimize them. I like the comments about going a bit overboard to prove there was nothing wrong...I can certainly relate, even at a very young age. I fear I may have the same tendencies as my mother now (though for totally different reasons...she definitely does not have the fetish) and am trying to ease up a bit, especially now that I have a son. I don't want to make such a big deal of it, for whatever reason. Still, for me personally, I think I would sink into the ground if anyone ever made a negative comment about my having a cold in public and that's what prompts me to self-medicate at the first sign of sickness. My husband has commented on my "need to medicate" many times however I always blow him off with comments about how the symptoms are irritating and make my job difficult. If he persists he definitely gets the "I'm not so selfish as to want to inflict this on the rest of the family". That usually shuts him up.

Interesting topic. Thanks for posting.

[sneezy_kiwi]

I hate admitting I'm sick because of the pity angle too..... well, the attention angle more, I guess... cos I kinda like the idea of the lad taking care of me, though I don't admit even to him that i don't feel well (jelly bean for first person who spots the flaw in my logic )

=kiwi=

[stevie_sloth]

Wow...I don't think I have any actual clearly-remembered experiences like that one, but I DEFINITELY have issued showing when I'm sick. I'm ok with migraines, stomach issues, headaches, and any injuries, but colds, flus or coughs? AAAGH! SO embarrassing to me! I always just assumed this was because I equate sneezing, sniffling, coughing, nose blowing, etc (normal sick-things for everyone else) with sexual excitement. So for me, it's this private thing that I don't feel comfortable doing publicly.

Mm. It's funny...(sort of, but also annoying and uncomfortable)...when I've got a cold (like right now actually), at work today for instance, I tried to look normal. I didn't sneeze once, and only coughed really quietly a few times...sniffled a lot but also quietly, and waited till everyone was out before blowing my nose in the bathroom. But as soon as I get home, I sneeze, cough, nose-blow to my heart's content, and enjoy it!

[semperfi0609]

Hey I'm not completely crazy!!! I started being like that at a VERY young age too. I don't think I had an experience that made me that way, but I absolutely hate showing signs of sickness. Over the years I've finally gotten better and I'm fine with showing symptoms when I'm with my boyfriend now at least. With him there is absolutely no hiding it anyways because he can tell when my breathing even changes...so yeah good think I'm ok with it now. He's really sweet and doesn't give me too much attention or anything he just makes sure I'm alright. In kindergarten-my senior year of high school I think I blew my nose in front of someone twice and that was it. I always went to the bathroom between classes to blow. When I was little, as gross as this is, I would wipe my runny nose on my shirt to avoid having to get up and get a tissue. Sneezing, I have a very good mental block now so that I can't sneeze in front of people. Coughing, I do the water thing too and I've even tried gum before. I had to cough a few days ago because my allergies started acting up and I was outside and walked as far as I could from people and coughed. I'd tried taking a drink but that method failed then. I went straight back to my room and took my alergy medicine then lol. My boyfriend is extremely comfortable with himself and I got a text a few days ago that he said his nose was stuffed up but he was alright other than that. Now I'm fine with letting him know stuff like that, but NOT anyone else!!! I've also used the excuse of allergies like a few weeks ago my friend thought I was crying at church and I said it was allergies. That time I think it really was, I wasn't upset or anything and my eyes were watering, but I've used it before. I am careful with spreading germs now. I had trouble before with getting boyfriend to blow his nose when he kept wiping his nose on his sleeve, but now he will get a tissue and blow his nose when he needs too. I guess we've both grown up a lot.