The 'Big' Sneeze - (4 Parts)

[zakandsara]

Carrie (V.O): There are two things every New York woman knows aren't always very present: Men and taxis. Though both are sturdy and helpful and somewhat reliable, they will always be slightly out of reach. I learned this at the ripe age of 25, when I'd gotten left behind by a man IN a taxi in a dive on Fifth. However, most women aren't so fortunate as to have learned early. Like Charlotte, for example. Charlotte, being the eternal optomist, had never once doubted the fact that she would marry

the perfect man. To some, this would seem an innocent goal, but Charlotte also never doubted the fact that she would be about to snag a cab on Park Avenue at 5:30 in the afternoon. Despite this, after years of searching, she was finally able to tie one of the two down, and she decided to marry Harry. Harry was always there when she needed him, making sure not to leave her when she was desperate; the same, however, could not be said about the cab she had been trying to flag down for the past four blocks.

Charlotte: Taxi!! Taxi...God, where are th-? (Her phone rings; she takes it out of her bag.) Hello? Hey, Harry! I miss you too, I just- what! No, no, no, you promised! Harry, my friends have been planning this party for weeks! I did so tell you about it, you just never listen! No, absoutely not.But I.... fine. Okay, okay. Me too. Goodbye. (She hangs up.) UGH! TAXI! (A cab pulls up in front of her, screeching.)

Carrie (V.O): And just like that, Charlotte learned to save the nagging for the cabbies: at least they would eventually give in, pay attention, and come through for her - even when her husband was unable to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carrie (V.O): While Charlotte found herself in a small taxi, wishing she were back in her big apartment, I was in Big's apartment, willing myself to hail a small taxi and get the hell out of there.

Carrie: (Lying in bed with Big) Mmmm. I can't, I need to finish that Vogue article.

Big: Fuck Vogue (Kissing her neck).

Carrie: It's due Tuesday, and my editor's been really bugging me for it.

Big: Fuck your editor (Kissing her stomach).

Carrie: Come on...It's on "The Importance of Dior in professional and social aspects of New York women".

Big: Fuck Dior.

(Big is about to kiss her lips; she stops him.)

Carrie: No, no, no. You should know better than to dis Dior to try and turn me on.

Big: Come on, it'll be fifteen minutes, kid.

Carrie: Hmm, fifteen minutes? You sure you can last that long, gramps? (He flips her over and she giggles/screams. He looks her in the eyes for a moment.)

Big: Hello.

Carrie: Hi there. (The continue to kiss and start to have sex.)

Carrie (V.O-while they are still in bed.): Big and I were no strangers to each other. We'd been some fucked-up form of together for the past five years. But that morning, something happened that had never happened to me before - neither with Big, nor anyone else for that matter. In the midst of our making love, somewhere between Hell-o and heaven....

Carrie: Hignn'tchOO!

Carrie (V.O):...I sneezed.

Carrie: Um, I'm -

Big: Get on top, I'm close.

Carrie: Oh. (She looks startled and shocked, and a little angry but cautiously continues on and finishes.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carrie (V.O): Later that day, Miranda and I indulged in a little coffee, conversation, and careful confession.

Miranda: So now I don't know whether or not to tell Steve I saw him naked and that he needs to start being less careless around the house, or to completely ignore it. Either way, I can't get it out of my mind. Fuck!

Carrie: C'mon sweetie, you love him. You made the decision months ago to just let it be. It's better for Brady, remember?

Miranda: Yeah, I'm starting to remember that less and less each time I think about seeing him come out of that shower....

Carrie: Well, I stayed at Big's last night.

Miranda: And? Is he jetting back to Napa after your sexcapade?

Carrie: Not yet. Something sort of...happened while I was over there this morning.

Miranda: What? Are you okay?

Carrie: No, it's nothing...relationship-wise. At least, I don't think it is..

Miranda: Oh, this is a relationship now?

Carrie: Come on, this is a sensitive subject. Big and I were...you know -

Miranda: Fucking? And when did you turn into Charlotte?

Carrie: Anyway, Big and I were fucking and then I sort of...

Miranda: What?

Carrie: You know what? Forget it. It's nothing. It's fine. Are you hungry?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Later that day, at brunch.)

Charlotte: ....and then he just called me, just called out of the blue and said that his SISTER was coming to visit for a week and that I had to postpone the party on Saturday! I'm so sorry, guys.

Carrie: That's okay, sweetie, we'll find something else to do.

Miranda: Something with no men.

Samantha: What's the fun in that?

Miranda: The fun is right where you haven't dared to look since 1983- an evening completely without men. Maybe it'll help us to stop thinking about the men we'll never be able to have.

Carrie: And the ones who don't really pay attention to us.

Charlotte: And the ones who break their damn promises!

Samantha: The only promises you should be making with a man include the words "harder" and "don't stop."

Carrie: You read that one in a fortune cookie?

Samantha: I'm serious. Girlfriends are for promises; men are for fucking. And I'm willing to bet any man here would agree with me.

Charlotte: Well, of course men would agree with you! Most men are pigs!

Miranda: Hell, half of the men I've slept with dream about upgrading to pig...

Carrie: Okay! So it's settled; we'll go out, man-free, this weekend. No excuses.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carrie (V.O.): For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell Miranda, or any of the girls, what I was thinking that day. After all, they had never truly approved of Big in the first place, why did I expect them to be supportive now? I figured it would be best to just pick myself up, dust myself off, and go out with the girls for the night- sneeze free. Or so I thought.

Samantha: I got us into the opening of the hottest new club; it's called Pine. It's sort of a...wilderness meets sexy Christmas.

Miranda (To Carrie): Because who doesn't love sexy Christmas?

(They laugh and head inside to a table and order some drinks.)

Charlotte: This place looks nice! It's clean, it's not too loud. Oh, and look! There's fresh pine trees!

Carrie: Ah, damn it.

Miranda: What's wrong?

Carrie: Oh It's nothing. It's...I'm allergic to pine trees. That's why I never have a tree in December.

Samantha: I thought that was because you didn't want to lug the fucker up 5 flights of stairs.

Carrie: Well, that, too.

Charlotte: Do you want to leave?

Carrie: Oh, no, sweetie. I'll be fine.

Samantha: Good, because I have my eye on that spicy Jack Frost in the corner...more like Jack Fuck!

Miranda (To Carrie): Please tell me she isn't talking about the man in the Santa Claus outfit..

Carrie: We can only hope. Hahn'ttCHOO! Ihhhieww!

Miranda: Gesundheit.

Carrie: Ah, danke schön.

Charlotte: Carrie, are you alright? Sometimes, Trey's allergies used to get so bad, his throat would close an-

Carrie: Char, I'm fine, honey. Aghh-itschhhh, I think I'm coming down with something anyway. I mean, maybe... The other day, I sneezed while Big and I were having sex.

Miranda; Oh my god.

Samantha: Well...that's- I think...it's not that bad.

Carrie: Samantha, you're a terrible liar, and just in case you're as repulsed as you seem by the idea, here's a warn-wah-- Hiitschiew!

Charlotte: Bless you.

Carrie: Thank you, and it wasn't that I'm even worried about what he thought. I mean, Big has seen me sneeze, of course. I'm only human, these things are bound to

happen. It's just that....

Miranda: What?

Carrie: He didn't do anything after.

Charlotte: Oh, you mean he didn't say 'bless you'? I hate it when Harry does th-

Carrie: No, that is not what I mean. He...he just kept going. I mean, the man was inside me, for Christ's sake, and he didn't even stop for a breath. Or a tissue.

Miranda: So he just didn't say anything?

Carrie: Oh, no. He said something. He said, and I quote, "Get on top, I'm close." That's it. Not a pause, not an acknowledgment of what had just happened. Just "Achoo", "Get on top!" I mean, should I be worried?

Samantha: Absolutely not! Men don't pay attention during sex! Hell, I'd be surprised if, in five years, he'd even be able to tell you which woman it was that sneezed on his dick.

Carrie: I did no...Aehhishhoo! I did not sneeze on his dick, Samantha. And do you really think he can't differentiate between women?

Charlotte: Carrie, that's not what she meant. She only meant to say that this'll all blow over in a few days and everything will be fine! Right, Samantha?

Samantha: No. Men can't tell which girl is which! We're just a never-ending string of cock-sucking pussy to them!

Miranda: Samantha! Big is different, Carrie. He knows who you are.

Carrie: No, I...it's okay. I'm fine. Let's just forget it. Waitor! Can we get another - T'Chhiishh!- round?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carrie (V.O): I thought a lot about what Samantha had said that night. Sure, men have trouble remembering their wallets or to put the seat down, but they know which woman is which...right? Each of us had our own trouble with men: Miranda loved Steve, but he wasn't open to loving her back. Charlotte needed Harry to truly listen to what she had to say, even if it seemed dull. And I had a boyfriend who apparently didn't even notice a sneeze in the middle of our love making. And that got me to thinking: were men becoming distant in every aspect of the relationship? In the grand scheme of Big's sex life, was I just a blur of a notch on his bedpost? In other words, did men truly value individual lovers anymore, or were we each just becoming nothing to sneeze at?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's more, but it's all mine until I hear critiques, goods, bads, and maybe some requests?

[MyOwnPrivateSFC]

Okay, I don't even watch the show, haven't ever found Sarah Jessica Parker attractive (hell, haven't really ever found any of the female stars attractive, though I'd take Chris Noth in a heartbeat), but GAH! There is just something about this fic that's...amazing. I want to know more, see more, find out what happens. (And, I have to mention, I love the style, even though I ordinarily hate script-style fics.)

Looking forward to reading more soon!

[ilovesneezing]

ok I hate Sex and the City. Well the movies anyway. I liked the TV show, but hated Carrie.

Somehow you've made me love it ALL. It's JUST like an episode! I can completely imagine the Carrie VO in my head, her tone of voice and everything. Just incredible. Please, please continue!!

[estrelleta]

Wowwww I haven't watched SATC for a while but I used to love it. Reading this is just like watching an episode...I can hear their voices reading the script in my head. Absolutely spot on, great work!! Hope you continue

[Peachy]

This was amazing! Like others have said, I don't really find Sarah Jessica Parker to be that attractive, but WOW! I can so picture this happening on the show!

And if it did...

[zakandsara]

Carrie (V.O): I woke up the next day feeling even worse than I thought I would. I had hoped that a good night's sleep would've cleared my mind, and maybe even my sinuses, but that morning, there were two things that I uncharacteristically found myself incapable of stopping: Thinking about Big, and sneezing. But, being the stubborn gal that I am, I vowed to keep these things from ruining my day. At least, to the best of my ability.

Carrie: Hah'TChsoooo. Shit.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carrie (V.O): A few hours later, determined to get myself out of the apartment and my own mind, I met up with Samantha for some shopping.

Carrie: He hasn't called.

Samantha: Who hasn't called?

Carrie: Big. Big hasn't called since the sneeze thing.

Samantha: Oh, honey, I think you're making this into a bigger deal than it truly is. For fuck's sake, when you farted in front of him, he didn't blink twice. How is this any worse?

Carrie: Yeah, maybe you're right. I'm sorry sweetie, I've been going on for three blocks. How's Jerry?

Samantha: Oh, honey. Jerry is the best fuck I've ever had.

Carrie: Yeah? You think maybe he could be something...more than just a fuck?

Samantha: Please. He's a waitor and he's 10 years younger than I am, and I shouldn't need to remind you of all people that I am not, have never, and will never be looking for anything more than "just a fuck."

Carrie: Hey, I took a shot. Oh! Before I forget, are you free tonight? Stanford got us tickets to some fancy gallery something. I don't know, but there'll be cocktails and couture.

Samantha: Sounds fabulous, I'll be there. Are the other girls going to be-

Carrie: Huh'nntschho. Charlotte will...Miranda's got a date with either her neighbor or her Tivo. Either way, it's just the four of us girls!

Samantha: Four? You just said Miranda wasn't coming.

Carrie: I did- You, me, Charlotte, and Stanny!

(They laugh and continue to shopping, walking into Chanel.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carrie (V.O): After successfully avoiding Big for another day, I started to worry again. Was he trying to avoid me, too? Had he been screening me and talking about me and thinking about that night constantly, like I had? Or was it yet another one of those things men detached themselves from? Either way, we hadn't spoken in three days and I was uptight, tense, and just plain stuck - just like the dress I was trying to squeeze myself into.

(Charlotte is over at Carrie's, getting ready for the night. Charlotte is dressed in a tight, flowered, white knee-length dress. Carrie is in her bra and underwear holding her own dress up to her.)

Carrie: Now, listen carefully to me. This dress is Chanel. It's vintage. It's absolutely fabulous. And it's borrowed. Nothing may happen to this dress, do you understand? We will shove me into the dress WITHOUT harming the dress in any way.

Charlotte: Carrie, I'm not a child. We've done this a thousand times.

Carrie: Yes, Charlotte, but this time it's Chanel. And it's the most beautiful dress in the world.

Charlotte: You also say that everytime.

Carrie: Okay, you know what- just help me, will you?

Charlotte: Alright, give me the dress. Carrie, come on!

Carrie: Fine! I was cherishing it.

Charlotte: Oh my god. Okay, now step in- there you go. Other leg...

Carrie: Jesus, we're going to need the jaws of life to get me into this thing.

Charlotte: No, no, we're almost there. Okay, now arms up, I need to lace the back. Try not to move, okay sweetie?

Carrie: Yeah, let me just take my last breath before my lungs are crushed.

Charlotte: Is this too tight?

Carrie: No, it's - oh my god.

Charlotte: What, am I hurting you?!

Carrie: Char, I think I have to sneeze. I have to sneeze and I cannot sneeze in the dress, it's too beautiful and too fucking tight!

Charlotte: No!! Just...just try and...hold it back or something! I have to finish lacing!

Carrie: I can't! If I move my arms it'll rip. Hurry uhh-up.

Charlotte: It's okay, it's okay, just a few seconds.

Carrie: Char, get up here, I can't do this by myself, I need ahh-arms.

Charlotte: Carrie, I can't let go or it'll all fall apart!

Carrie: Gihhh-give me your right hand.

Charlotte: Why?!

Carrie: I can't hold in a sneeze if I'm ah-armless!

Charlotte: Eww, my god...

Carrie: Chahhh-Charlotte!

Charlotte: Okay, here!

Carrie: HAH-nggggxxxt. Ngxxxsh-ahhh! Ow, ow, ow, I think I cracked a rib.

Charlotte: I think you broke my fingers.

Carrie: I'm so sorry, sweetie. You're a good friend. Now how's the dress?

Charlotte: Umm...it's good. It's amazing! May I have my hand back now?

Carrie: Please, continue to lace me.

Charlotte: So, when's Stanny coming over?

Carrie: HUH'ngxTCHOO! Oh my god.

Charlotte: Carrie!

Carrie: Did it rip? Did the dress rip? Oh, just tell me and get it over with, like shooting a deer with a broken leg.

Charlotte: No, it's...it's still okay. I have three loops left, are you going to sneeze again?

Carrie: No. Wait....hehhhh- ah, no, I'm okay.

Charlotte: Alright, almost done....finished! Oh, Carrie. You look beautiful.

Carrie: Really? You're not just saying that because now you have absolutely no way of getting me OUT of the dress, are you?

Charlotte: No, sweetie, you look amazing.

Carrie: Well, thank you. And you, my friend, look stunning. You better hope Harry's still awake when you get back home.

Charlotte: I doubt it. He's been with his sister ever since she got here! Playing Scrabble and dominoes...and he goes to bed at 9:30. 9:30, Carrie! I'm usually not even home by then.

Carrie: Oh, I know honey, but he sees her a few times a year. How do you think he feels when you go out with us three times a week?

Charlotte: What's that supposed to mean?

Carrie: Oh, n-nothing. I just meant that relationships are give and take. And while he's giving his sister a triple word score for the word "esquire", you'll be taking a stretch limo to a new art gallery.

Charlotte: A limo! How'd we-

Carrie: Ahh'nntschoo! Stanny's arranged everything, he even got us...Tsch'IEW, VIP passes and free dinner.

Charlotte: Bless you! Are you alright, sweetie, I've never seen you like this before.

Carrie: Well, thank you for the concern, but you know you don't have to worry about me, sister. I am going out tonight, and nothing's going to stop me from having fun.

(Her phone rings.) Hold that thought. Hello?

Big: It's me. Where are you?

Carrie: Um..ca-can you give me a second? (She puts the phone down. To Charlotte): It's Big. What should I say, we have spoken in three days!

Charlotte: Sweetie, just relax, okay? It's fine, he's probably just busy. Talk to him.

Carrie: Right....(She picks the phone up again.) Hello, stranger.

Big: Hey, kid. Where are you?

Carrie: Oh, I'm just about to go out, actually. To a gallery opening with the girls- well, the girls and Stanford. Where are you?

Big: I'm in a cab on my way home from the airport, wondering why you aren't waiting in the hotel.

Carrie: Oh. Oh, well, I didn't...I didn't know you wanted to see me.

Big: Of course I want to see you, why wouldn't I?

Carrie (V.O): And there it was. He didn't remember. I should've been relieved, but I was only more upset. If he didn't remember what had happened the last time we had sex, had he forgotten all the rest, too?

Carrie: No reason. Listen, I have to go, we're meeting Stanny in 15 minutes and I don't want to beeh-hat'TCHHHHiew.

Charlotte: Bless- oh!

Carrie: Uh...um, excuse me. I mean, I'm- I'm sorry about that?

Big: So, I'll see you later?

Carrie: ....yeah. See ya. (She hangs up and just stares at the phone.)

Charlotte: Sweetie...you okay? What happened?

Carrie: You heard what happened. Fuck! (She hits the phone off the stand.) He doesn't listen to me, Charlotte. He never listens to a damn thing I say!

Charlotte: Carrie, he listens. He just has a lot on his mind.

Carrie: Will you just, for once, not be supportive and just recognize that sometimes, he isn't busy, and he isn't thinking, and he doesn't give a fuck about me, Carrie Bradshaw, he only care about me, that chick I can have sex with whenever I want. HAH'EAShhhchoo, DAMN it!

Charlotte: (It's quiet for a moment. She then gets a tissue out of her bag and hands it to Carrie, rubbing her back.) Bless you.

Carrie: Thank you, sweetie. I'm sorry, it's not your fault. You know what...screw him. We're going to have fun tonight, come on- grab your bag. Let's go.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feedback, loves?

[dreamsequence]

This story is frickin' fantastic!!!! I'm sooo hooked and I don't even WATCH this show.

[lattelover09]

I actually DO watch the show, avidly, and I can't wait to see what actually happens once Carrie gets together with Big in this story! I was always actually surprised that there were no SATC fanfics out there since the image of Big with a cold is......well.....great.

[zakandsara]

Carrie (V.O): After we met up with Stanford and Samantha and hopped into our fabulous ride for the evening, I discovered two things: 1) It would have been wise to have left earlier, as traffic was at a complete standstill, and 2) My mind was the exact opposite of a complete standstill. I knew I shouldn't have been as angry as I was, but I couldn't help it; Big somehow always had that affect on me. There was nothing I could do to shake what had happened on the phone, and the helpful little reminders every two minutes didn't seem to help either, as I was beginning to discover that 'seasonal' no longer applied to only my wardrobe, but apparently, my allergies.

Charlotte: Did you see Carrie's dress, isn't it gorgeous? It's Chanel.

Stanford: The dress is amazing, and Carrie, you look stunning. If I wasn't gay.....Hell, I can't even finish that sentence!

Carrie: Aw, well thank you, Stanny. And you're looking awfully handsome tonight, who are we trying to impress?

Stanford: No one in particular, just anyone with a cute smile and a nice ass.

Samantha: Hear, hear!

Carrie: Speaking of, are we almost there there?

Stanford: Well, as far as I can tell, we'll be here for another 3 to 4 years if the traffic doesn't let up.

Samantha: If that's the case, Stanny, you might have to go straight.

Charlotte: Oh, stop. We're almost there.

Carrie: Haht'nnTChhoo. Huhh-huh'ngTSChooo!

Charlotte: Bless you!

Stanford: What's this? A sneeze, from Carrie Bradshaw!? This is the least fabulous thing I've ever seen you do!

Carrie: Hey, can it, Queenie. There's nothing I can do about it. Literally- I've tried.

Stanford: Well, at least you still look sexy.

Carrie: Yeah, thanks, I'll take that as a compliment.

Samantha: You should. In that dress, I think I'd go full les!

Carrie: Wouldn't be the first time.

Samantha: It would for you.

Charlotte: Guys, can we please stop talking about...lesbian sex! We're dressed up!

Carrie: Of course, sweetie. Now, what is on the approved list of conversation? I think I misplaced mine.

Stanford: Char, would you mind putting the window down? I think I'm having a hot flash.

Carrie: You do know that you're not actually a woman, right?

Charlotte: Of course, Stanny. Oh, look! We moved a block!

Samantha: Great. Only twelve fucking more to go.

Carrie: Relax, it'll be fine. We'll be fashionable late.

Samantha: Either that, or early for tomorrow night.

Charlotte: Carrie's right, it's better to be late than on time.

Stanford: Strictly when not talking about periods.

Samantha: Amen.

Carrie: Haht'chiioo! Hahhh...tschooo.

Samantha: And god bless you.

Carrie: Thank you, Sister Samantha.

Stanford: Church of the Perpetually Horny?

Carrie: Haht'TSCHOOOO, 'TCHOOO! Oh, damn.

Charlotte (Quietly, to Carrie): Are you sure you're not getting sick?

Carrie: No 'bless you'?

Charlotte: Carrie, I'm serious.

Carrie: Sweetie, I'm fine. It's just an allergy thing.

Charlotte: Yeah, but this never happens to you. I'm worried.

Carrie: I know you are, and it's very sweet, but I'll be...hold on- haaht'NGGtshhiew! I'll be okay once we're there.

Charlotte: Okay, whatever you say. You want me to put the window up?

Carrie: No, I wouldn't want the queen over there to be royally flushed.

Stanford: What are you two girls giggling about over there? Anything you'd like to share with the class?

Charlotte: Oh, we were just...wondering when we should break out the champagne.

Samantha: I think now is as good a time as any, no?

Stanford: Shall I do the honors? To good friends and good fucks...both of which I hope to still have at the end of the night.

Carrie: Oh, shit...that's my phone. I'm sorry, let me just- hahht'Chiishhh! Ng'tchiiew, hahtchhhoo. Char, can you pick uuuhhhCHIESHHH!

Charlotte: Hello?

Big: It's me again...when will you be here?

Charlotte: Oh. Oh! I'm sorry, this is Charlotte. Carrie's...otherwise occupied right now.

Big: Oh, jesus. Hi, Charlotte, how are you?

Charlotte: Well, I'm okay, thanks. Um, can...can you hold on just one second?

Big: Yeah. Sure.

Charlotte (To Carrie): Sweetie, it's Big. What should I tell him?

Carrie: Tehh-HAT'HIIIEW! Tell him I'll try to see him tomorohhhaCHIOO!

Charlotte: For God's sake, close the window, Stanny!

Standford: Okay, okay. But if I show up sweaty, you're to blame.

Charlotte (On the phone again): Hi, I'm back. She will see you to...tomorr...tomorrow- Haht'chii! Excuse me, I-

Big: God bless. Alright, tell her....I guess I'll just talk to her later. Thanks, Char.

Charlotte: Oh...um, thank you? Bye. Carrie...phone.

Carrie: Ah, thanks. What'd he have to say?

Charlotte: Nothing really...he said he'd talk to you tomorrow. You okay?

Carrie: Oh yeah, window's up, I'm fine now.

Charlotte: Good. Hey, do you have a tissue?

Carrie: Yeah, I should...here. Wh-

Charlotte: Haht'chiii! Hat'nxxgch. Ugh, excuse me, thanks, Car.

Carrie: Et tu, Char?

Samantha: Jesus, I need to get out of this car. You two are driving me crazy.

Stanford: Et moi!

Charlotte: No, no, stop. I'm okay now. I just got nervous when I was on the phone with Big and sometimes when I'm nervous, I start sneezing. It's...weird, it's nothing.

Carrie: Huh. I never knew that. Did...did Big hear you?

Samantha: Honey, let it go.

Carrie: What! I'm just...wondering.

Charlotte: I...maybe. I think so.

Carrie: Well, did he say anything?

Charlotte: Um, I- HAT'chiii...excuse me.

Stanford: You sound like a baby squirrel.

Charlotte: I know, I'm sohh'Tchiii!

Carrie: Nervous, I see. He said something. Just tell me, I won't be mad.

Charlotte: 'Tchiiew! Tchhhii! He said 'God bless' and then I hung uhh'tchii! AH'Tchhiii!

Carrie: Wow! What a bastard.

Charlotte: Carrie, maybe he just feels uncomfortable around you or something. I'm sure there's an explanation.

Samantha: I've got an explanation: he's a fucking man!

Carrie: Yeah. God bless.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Want more? Comment!

[alpha_dog]

I love this story!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bluebird]

Okay, I'm about 103% positive that I'm not old enough to watch this show. But your writing style has hooked me...

Continue please!

[floatmyboatt]

oh my gosh.

you are amazing.

[zakandsara]

Carrie (V.O): We arrived at the party late enough for everyone to notice our entrance, but not too late to start drinking. I, of course, took full advantage of this and, after four Cosmopolitans and no dinner, learned that one should not only not drink on an empty stomach, but on a full mind.

Carrie (yelling over the music): It's loud in here!

Charlotte: I know! Where's Samantha?

Carrie: Who knows! Let's go outside, I need to smoke.

(She walks out with Charlotte trailing closely behind. Carrie stumbles and giggles quite a bit.)

Carrie: That's better, now I can hear myself.

Charlotte: You're drunk!

Carrie: Shhhh! (She laughs.) I'm hungry...let's go get food. Hey!! Let's go to Big's!

Charlotte: Carrie, that's a very bad idea. You're too drunk to work things out and you're going to end up even more confused. I'll take you home once you finish smoking that. Which you shouldn't be doing, by the way...

Carrie: Oh! Thanks, m-HAII'tschoooo, Mom.

Charlotte: Bless you. You know, I'm really getting sick of this.

Carrie: Hey, shut up.

Charlotte: Sweetie, you're so drunk.

Carrie: I had four drinks!

Charlotte: And you're tiny and haven't eaten yet tonight! C'mon, I'll drop you off at Miranda's, it's closer.

Carrie: No, I can do it. I'm okay.

Charlotte: No, you aren't. It's fine, I'll-

Carrie: Charlotte York! I am fine. I'm gon- I will go to Miranda's.

Charlotte: Alright. But I'm calling Miranda in twenty minutes and if you aren't there-

Carrie: I'm grounded? (She laughs, a little too much.)

Charlotte: Oh my god. Goodbye, Carrie.

Carrie: Bye, sweetie! Love you!

Charlotte: Yeah, yeah. Be careful.

Carrie (V.O): Drunk as I was, it would've been wise to take heed to Charlotte's words. I was determined to make it to Big's in less than ten minutes, and then take a cab to Miranda's. My drunken self thought that reasoning with him that night would be a great idea, while my sober subconcious knew that I would only dig myself into a deeper pile of shit. Either way, I was too confused to let this alone for any longer. I arrived at his hotel around 1 am, just early enough for it to be acceptable, but apparently just late enough for him to still be irritated with me.

(Carrie knocks on the door and waits. He answers.)

Carrie: Hello there.

Big: What are you doing here?

Carrie: I thought you wanted me to come?

Big: Well, I assumed it'd be before 1 in the fuckin' morning!

Carrie: Well, I assumed you would still be awake.

Big: Why did- are you drunk?

Carrie: A little.

Big: Carrie, what are you doing here?

Carrie (She walks into the room and lays on the bed.) : Ah, this is comfy. Better than the other one.

Big: Are you staying?

Carrie: No. I need to go to Miranda's. I'm being babysitted...baby- babysat? Is that a word? (She laughs again.)

Big: (He chuckles.) Go.

Carrie: Not so fast. I- huhn'tshchhhoo!

Big: Yes, let's go. You're a mess.

Carrie: I am fine, leave me go, plea- HAHT'chiiissh!

Big: Shit! Watch it, Carrie, I can't get sick.

Carrie: I'm not sick.

Big: Yeah you are, you've been like that all day.

Carrie: Oh, so you did notice?

Big: What the fuck are you talking about?

Carrie: I sneezed while we were having sex. And on the phone. And you ignored me. But you didn't ignore Charlotte. Because you aren't fucking Charlotte, so you have absolutely no problem acknowledging her!

Big: What?! This is a joke, you're fucking crazy. Go to Miranda's, go to bed. Call me when you stop acting like a child.

Carrie: A child!!? I'm not a child, you're the child. You don't pay any attention to me and it's just like Samantha said...men don't care about who they're fucking. We're all the same.

Big: Carrie, I am not getting into this with you, you're drunk.

Carrie: No, I'm not drunk! (He turns.) Hey! I'm fine! I'm just wondering why you have such a problem listening to me, that's all! Damn it, men ARE all the same.

Big: You want to know why, Carrie?

Carrie: Yes, I'd love to!

Big: Because you told me not to say anything!

Carrie: WHAT!? Of course, of course you're trying to blame this on me...you think I'd actually believe that? I should've listened...I never thought- any excuse to make you seem right, huh? You know what, I am leaving. Call me when you grow up.

Big: That is the fucking truth, jesus! Call me when you're sober, and maybe you'll see you're the one who hasn't been listening.

(He slams the door and she stands in the hall, staring.)

Carrie (V.O): I arrived at Miranda's, only slightly less drunk but positively less thrilled to be there. I had just confirmed all of my fears about Big, and not without embarrassing myself. I felt terrible, and not only emotionally. I needed answers. I needed a change. I needed help. I needed some antihistamines. But most importantly, I needed Miranda to answer the damn door.

(Miranda finally opens the door, looking like she just woke up. She is wearing pajamas and rubbing her eyes.)

Carrie: Hi.

Miranda: Hello. It's 1:30 in the morning, why are you at my doorstep? And why do you smell like alcohol?

Carrie: Charlotte sent me here. I'm drunk. I'm tired. And I'm starving.

Miranda: Okay, well...come in. Just be quiet, Brady's asleep.

Carrie: Thanks. I owe you.

Miranda: Mhhhm. Listen, I'll make you some food and some tea, go into my bedroom and find something...not Chanel. Get comfy and we'll talk.

Carrie: Perfect, tha- thahhh-

Miranda: Quietly..

Carrie: HANH'tcsshhhhnngxx!

Miranda: ..thank you.

(Carrie walks into the room, changes and returns to Miranda's couch.)

Miranda: Better?

Carrie: Much. (Miranda hands her a plate of food and sits opposite her on the couch.) Ooh, thank you.

Miranda: So, how was Stanford's gallery thing?

Carrie: Terrible. It took us forever to get there, we lost Samantha, and I discovered that I am a terrible downer when obsessing over Big.

Miranda: Huh, sounds like a hell of a night.

Carrie: What about you?

Miranda: Oh, same old stuff. Steve dropped off the baby and I just got him to bed about an hour ago.

Carrie: I'm sorry I woke you, sweetie. You can go back to bed if you want, it's just that....I went to Big's. And he lied, just like I didn't want to believe he would.

Miranda: Of course. What did he tell you?

Carrie: He said that I'd told him not to say anything.

Miranda: I swear to God, it's like men think we live in an alternate universe or something.

Carrie: Oh, but here's the best part. On the way over to the party, Charlotte started sneezing too, and-

Miranda: Ugh, Charlotte sneezing is the worst. She's too...squeaky. And too polite, makes me feel like a sailor.

Carrie: Tell me about it. So anyway, Big overheard her and said: "God bless." Charlotte gets something and I don't?

Miranda: Carrie, I've been saying this for years - he's a man. They're assholes and they are physically incapable of listening.

Carrie: I know, I just...HAH'nngxxt-choo! huh'TsCHIIO!

Miranda: Gesundheit. See, I'm a woman, I listen.

Carrie: Thank you, sweetie. I just...I don't know, he's so complicated. I miss simplicity. I miss Aidan, he never would've acted like this to me. I should call him...

Miranda: No! That's the alcohol talking. Just forget about this, it'll work itself out. You'll see whether or not Big is willing to change for you.

Carrie: Yeah, you're right. I guess-

(The phone rings. Miranda rushed to pick it up, as it is loud and Brady's is still sleeping.)

Miranda: Shit, shit, shit. Hello?

Charlotte: Miranda, hi! It's Charlotte.

Miranda: Does no one know it's 2 am?

Charlotte: I know, I'm really sorry and I wouldn't normally do this. But I needed to check that Carrie made it to your place okay. She was really drunk when she left...

Miranda: Yeah, she's here.

Charlotte: Great, can I talk to her?

Miranda: Carrie. Charlotte wants to talk to you...this is still my apartment, right?

Carrie: Hey, Char.

Charlotte: Hey! You sound better. How's it going?

Carrie: Alright...how was the rest of the night? Did you find Sam?

Charlotte: Oh yeah, she went home with some guy, I don't- oh, you know what, my other line's beeping in.

Carrie: That's weird, this late?

Charlotte: Just...hold on one sec, okay?

Carrie: Sure. (To Miranda) Her other line beeped in.

Miranda: Does no one sleep anymore?

Charlotte: Carrie? It's okay I'm- I'm back.

Carrie: Oh. Who was it?

Charlotte: Uhhm, it was...it- Hah'TChhiish! 'TSchii! Excuse me.

Carrie: Well, bless you. Wow, are you lucky Miranda isn't still on the phone.

Charlotte: What?

Carrie: Nothing. You nervous over there, sweetie?

Charlotte: No, why would you thi-hiih'Tshii! Haht'TCShOO! Oh my- Hehh'TChngx! Ngxxsht.

Carrie: You know I can still hear you when you do that, right? What's wrong?

Charlotte: Nothing! Just put Miranda back ohhh-on! HAT'tiiiiew!

Carrie: Okay, but beware. Objects over phone are more irritable than they appear... (To Miranda) Hey. Phone.

Miranda: Hmmm. Did I fall asleep? Who is it? Hello?

Charlotte: Miranda?

Miranda: Char, hey. What's wrong?

Charlotte: Nothing, I- Hat'CHiii, 'scuse me, I need to talk to you...(she whispers) ...move away from Carrie.

Miranda: Uhhh, okay, gimme a second. (She puts the phone down. To Carrie: ) Are you kidding me? No one should have to deal with frantic, squeaky Charlotte at 2 am. You're right, you do owe me. (To Charlotte again) Okay, I'm - gesundheit. (She gives Carrie a dirty look. Carrie mouths 'Sorry', with a giggle.)

Charlotte: Okay, she can't hear me? You're sure?

Miranda: Charlotte, you have ten seconds and then I'm going back to sleep.

Charlotte: Big called me and told me Carrie went to his place tonight.

Miranda: Yeah, I know, she said.

Charlotte: Well, he told me the whole story. Why she was mad and everything.

Miranda: ...and?

Charlotte: And...Big's completely innocent! Carrie's been wrong the whole time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alrighty, one chapter left and your reviews will have to work for it! Seriously though, how am I doing?

[MyOwnPrivateSFC]

Ooh, the plot thickens! Looking forward to more!

[ilovesneezing]

How the heck did I miss this many updates!?

Fan-f*cking-tastic!!!

[Bluebird]

This is great! Why can't it be a real episode... ><

[floatmyboatt]

love this. i will be anxiously waiting to find out what happens next...

[rsquared906]

I know it's been two years, but what happened???