Scott Pilgrim vs Canon anthology (F) - (2 Parts)

[Pilgrim]

Some fics I posed on the red forum. Enjoy!

Kim Pine vs The Cold

BZZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

“AUGH!”

Kim slammed her hand down on her alarm clock, groaning. Her head felt like it was filled with lead, and she was barely able to muster the energy to sit up all the way. Yesterday she had been kidnapped by a gang of boys from a rival highschool and held hostage on the roof of their school for well over an hour. Fortunately, Scott had eventually come to rescue her. Unfortunately, he hadn’t managed to do so before it had started pouring rain.

“HATSCHUUUUSCH!!!”

The forceful sneeze relieved some of the pressure in her head, but also removed enough blockage in her nose that it began running freely. She held a hand underneath it to stem the flow while she got up to go to the bathroom where the nearest box of tissues was. She blew her nose with a rowdy honk that even she found unflattering, and sneezed three more times.

“Hasschuu! Hatchuu! Hah-Atschuu!”

She sniffled and blew her nose several more times, desperately trying to clear up her stuffy nose. When she was still unable to breathe through it after several more honking blows she gave up, her nose having been irritated into a rosy pink, and headed back to her room. She began removing her dark green pajamas and changing into school clothes, but as soon as the warm wool was off of her and the cold air hit her, she began sneezing almost uncontrollably.

“Ahh-Atschuuu! Hesshhuuu Heh-Shuuh!! Ha-Shuschh! Hah…hah-ah…haaah….HATSCHHUUU!!! Heh-Shuusch! Hatchuuhh!”

As her sneezes became progressively wetter and her nose began running again, she determined that she wasn’t going to be going anywhere today anyways. Pulling her pajamas back on, she raced back to the bathroom to grab more tissues. After several more wet blows that disintegrated handfuls of tissues into mush, she sat back down on her bed, taking care to bring the tissue box with her. After placing it on her dresser she picked her cell phone up off of her dresser and, after a moment of hesitation, dialed Scott’s number.

“Hey, Scott, it’s Kim.” She croaked into the phone, immediately blushing at the sound of her sickly voice.

“Whoa! You sound horrible, Kim! Like if wild animal was chewing on your throat and then put it back.”

“Yeah, um, I’m sick.” She tried to clear her throat, unsuccessfully. “So, I’m not going to be at school today. Do you think you could pick up any homework we get for me and maybe drop it off at my house later?”

“Sure thing! I’ll be sure to come straight after school’s out. I will absolutely, totally not forget.”

“Um, okay. Cool.” Kim sniffled. “Thanks a bunch. I’ll see you later, then.”

“Yeah, bye!”

Kim hung up the phone and began vigorously pulling tissues out of the box, feeling a new tickle building in her nose with growing intensity. When the sneezes finally came, she held what was nearly a third of the box up to her nose to meet them.

“Ahh-Shchhh! Hatchhhuusch Hatsschhh! Hah…ahhhh Atschuusch! Haaah-Shuuu! Ah-ah-ah-Chuuh Ah-Shuuusch!! Atschuuh! Ughhh…”

She tossed the sodden mess into the wastebasket near her bed and fell back onto her pillow. While she was glad that he was doing her this favor, she dreaded having him see her like this. Kim was rarely self-conscious, but then she rarely had anyone whose opinion of her she cared about. And while she doubted Scott cared too much about her appearance, she was fairly certain nobody was ever attracted to a snotty, red-nosed mess. She slipped under her covers and hoped that some more sleep would help her recover faster.

It didn’t. Kim awoke even more stuffed up than before, her nose completely plugged up. She snatched a handful of tissues and began blowing, but she was so congested that all her efforts managed to produce was an increase the pressure in her sinuses and small tickle deep in her nose. However, it wasn’t enough to develop into a sneeze. Frustrated, she hurled the barely-wet tissues across the room and fell back onto her pillow. She rubbed at her tickling nose with one hand, and she held the other against her temples in an attempt to reduce the pressure. As she lay there, the tickle in her nose grew stronger and stronger.

“Heh…hehhh…hah…haaahhhh-Ahhhh…ahhhh…ah…Oh, COME ON!”

Kim rubbed more vigorously at her nose, trying to aggravate the tickle enough to make her sneeze so she would have some relief, but it didn’t seem to have any effect. Finally, after rubbing her nose to a ruby red, she decided to attempt a different approach. Tilting her head back, she began taking rhythmic breaths through her nose as deeply as her congestion would allow her to. She could barely get any air through it at all and had to inhale progressively more rapidly to keep from breathing through her mouth. Fortunately this had the desired effect: the tickle in her nose quickly expanded, and though it further agitated her aching sinuses it eventually developed into a flurry of wet sneezing.

“Heh…Heh-Eschusssch Heh-Schussch Hatschussch! Atschh! Hah-Atschhh! Hah…ahhh…Atshussch Hatschuusch ATSCHUUUU!! Ha-Atsschuuuh Atschuuu Haaah-Tschhuuu! Hetschuu Etschuusch Ehhh…Eh…ETSCHUUUUCHT!!!”

A trail of mucous left from her sneezes hung down from her nose, which she immediately began blowing into some more tissues. The fit had shaken her sinuses considerably, and Kim was forced to grab tissue after tissue in order to stem the flow from her nose. Eventually she stopped blowing it into them because doing so with such frequency hurt her head, and just used them to wipe at the torrent of snot. To her further aggravation, her tissue box ran empty before her nose did, and since she was loathe to leave the comfort of her bed just yet, she substituted the sleeves of her pajamas.

By the time her nose had stopped running, the front and back of her sleeves were damp and her nostrils were so chapped and tender that exhaling through them hurt. And to make matters worse, Kim felt another sneezy feeling rising in her nose. Not wanting to allow a fit that would start the entire ordeal of the past few minutes over again, she held the base of her shirt up to her nose and squeezed it as hard as she could without hurting it too much, hoping to stifle enough sneezes to quell a full-on fit.

“Haah…ATCHNNGK!! Hatchnnngk Atchnngk Hehh-Tchnnnk! Hehh…Eh-chhhct Eh-chnngk! Haah-Chnnngkk! Ahaah…ahhhh…ah.”

Once the tickle died down she sniffled and began weighing the pros and cons of going back to sleep over getting up and making some food. Finally she decided she had to get a new box of tissues from somewhere anyways, so she may as well go downstairs and get something resembling breakfast. Throwing off her blankets, she gingerly put her feet onto the cold wood floor. Shivers raced up her spine, triggering a few sudden sneezes.

“Heh-Shuuu! Etschuuu Shuuhh!”

She made her way downstairs to the kitchen and was in the middle of pouring herself a glass of orange juice when the doorbell rang. She froze. It had to be Scott, she must’ve slept later than she’d thought. Panic began rising in her mind. There was no way he could see her like she was: the sleeves and front of her shirt were visibly damp and still displayed obvious remnants of their service as replacement tissues. The doorbell began ringing more and more frequently; if she didn’t answer it soon Scott would probably just slip her homework under her door and leave without seeing her. Unable to think of any better idea, she removed her shirt and stuffed it in a random cabinet, then raced to the door and opened it in her olive-green bra.

“Hi, Scott.” Her voice was thick and syrupy with congestion. Scott did not notice.

“AH! Er, hi…Kim…”

“I was in the middle of changing. Didn’t want to keep you waiting” She shrugged it off, figuring that her apathetic attitude would provide a believable cover for this decision. Hurrying back to her room, she called back to him, “I’ll be back down in just a second. Wait a bit, okay?”

When she came back down Scott was standing rigidly in the middle of her living room, his hands stiff at his side. He looked sideways at the floor, avoiding her gaze. “I didn’t wanna touch anything in case, you know, germs…”

She chuckled. After some of the things she’d seen him face down, his reaction to the possibility of getting sick seemed ludicrous. “What, is the great street fighter Scott Pilgrim afraid of a little cold?”

Apparently Scott took this as a challenge, because his somewhat anxious expression was immediately replaced with one of steely determination. He leapt forward at Kim, took her in his arms, and kissed her passionately on the lips. When he let go, she found herself having difficulty standing. Looking into his eyes she tried to think of something to say, but all she managed was

“ATSCHUUUSCH!!!”

Scott dodged the spray of her sneeze with a lightning-quick sidestep. “Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean…um, did I get any on you?” Kim apologized through sniffles, her nose beginning to remind her that she had originally also come downstairs to get more tissues.

“Nope! Don’t worry about it. But uh, maybe we should hang out when you’re feeling better, huh?”

Kim held a finger up under her nose and nodded in agreement, blushing. Scott took off his backpack and removed a few worksheets, handing them to Kim. “Thanks a bunch, Scott.” She felt like she should’ve said something more…girlfriendy, but nothing came to her mind.

“My pleasure! Call me when you’re feeling better, alright?” He headed outside cheerfully. The instant he was gone, Kim let go of the sneezes she’d been holding back since after the kiss.

“Haah-Tschuuusch!!! Hatschuu Hetschuuu Atschuuu! Hetschuu! Ahh-Aschuuu!! Hah-Ah-ATSCHUUUUSCH!!”

Sniffling, Kim grabbed her orange juice, found another box of tissues in the living room, and headed back to bed.

Winner: The Cold

Loser: Kim Pine

Humiliating Defeat

invaders must die

Knives Chau (Alt.) vs Bubzy the Cat

“Knives, are you sure you want this information? I mean, really sure?”

“That has got to be the last question I’d ever expect to hear from you, considering you’re the one that built a machine that can show any possibility in the universe.”

“I’ve seen enough people use it to know that there are some things nobody really wants to find out about, especially when it comes to people they care about.” Shugo Highwind, a diminutive fifteen-year old Japanese boy lead Knives down into his basement, where a giant supercomputer hooked to glowing green generators hummed to life. “Seriously, it’s not too late to get a refund. You can turn around right now and probably lead a completely normal, happy life without ever knowing what…”

“What I might’ve missed? Come on, Shugo. Turn it on.” Knives folded her arms and looked anxiously at the screen. The boy sighed and typed a question into a command line displayed on the computer: What if Scott Pilgrim hadn’t dumped Knives Chau? An extremely complex-looking stream of data written in binary appeared on the screen, and the boy’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Wow. I hope you weren’t expecting good news…”

Knives swallowed. “What is it?”

“I have never seen a relationship that was this screwed up before. From the beginning of your relationship to the end of it, there is not a single moment where Scott is not a complete jerk to you. I could literally turn to any random moment during this timespan…” Shugo adjusted his glasses and spun a dial on the computer’s control panel. He then pressed a blinking blue button and the computer screen began displaying footage of her. “…and we will an example of you getting shafted.”

***

Knives opened the door to the tiny apartment she and Scott shared and immediately felt her eyes and nose begin to itch. It was a sensation she was used to ever since they’d gotten a bright orange cat Scott affectionately named Bubzy. Knives was terribly allergic to cats, and she almost never had time to stop by a drug store and pick up her allergy medication once it ran out because of how late she worked. So she frequently asked Scott to get it for her.

“Hey sweetheart, I’m hah-Hatscheew! Home!”

“Hey Knives.” Scot called to her, not looking up from the videogame he was paying on their couch, the cat curled up in his lap. “I made dinner already. Pasta and garlic bread. It’s on the counter.”

“Ah, okay. Um, did you get my ah-aller-Atsheeew! Allergy meds? Heh-Cheew!”

“Ah, whoops. I completely forgot that I was supposed to get them, my bad.”

Knives looked at him dejectedly. “Oh…”

“Yeeeeeah. Sorry.”

Knives sniffled as her nose began to run. This wasn’t the first time Scott had forgotten to interrupt his busy schedule of playing videogames and practicing with his band, but it was the first time he had done so when Knives hadn’t had any backup meds. She didn’t want to make him feel bad about it, though, so she just shrugged and went into the kitchen. She ate quickly, knowing that before too long she would start sneezing too uncontrollably to be able to eat anything. The cat, which Scott had insisted on getting as soon as he’d seen it due to its likeness to some videogame character he adored when he was little, was extremely fluffy and left hair everywhere. With the exception of the bedroom, which they kept closed off to ensure Knives could at least sleep without suffering, there was nowhere in the apartment where cat hair wasn’t visible.

“Atsheew! Hah-Atcheew Asheew! Hah…Ah…Ah-CHEEEW!!”

“Bless you, honey. Hey, do you wanna come here, I want you to see this part. This boss fight is super intense, I think you’ll like it.”

Fortunately Scott didn’t turn to look at his girlfriend when he said this, otherwise he would’ve seen the dirty look being shot in his direction. It wasn’t aimed at him, however. It was aimed at the couch where the cat spent most of its time. Sitting there for more than a minute was almost unbearable for Knives even when she had her allergy meds. She had never come anywhere near it when she wasn’t on them before.

“Oh…okay. Be right there!” she replied while rubbing at her eyes and nose. She inched her way closer to the couch, holding a hand under her nose to try and prevent that amount of cat hair she inhaled. “Um, do you think you….Hatcheeew! You could…Asheew Asheew Ah-ah-Atcheew!! Could you move the cat first?”

“Oh yeah, huh. Sure thing, hang on just a minute. Come on, Bubzy.”

As Scott picked up the cat to carry it to the small corner of the living room they’d fenced in for when they needed to restrict its movement, Knives sat down gingerly on the couch. She wasn’t sure if it was her imagination, but she thought she could see tiny cat hairs wafting up around her. Regardless of whether it was true, she was immediately launched into a fit of sneezing that only began to stop when she began stifling them.

“Ah-Atcheew! Hasheew! Ha-Itcheew Ah-Tcheew! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ASHEEEW!!! Ah-Acksheew! Ahh-Cheeew! Atchmmph Hatchmmph! Etchmmph! Hah-Atchmmph Ha-Tcheew! Ha-Tchmph Ha-Mmmph-Cheew!! Hah-ah…ahhh…ha…”

“Alright, cat’s gone. Now check this out, I’m about to reflect this dude’s laser light-show with my beam saber and then obliterate him with professional wrestling moves.”

“I um, I-Itchieew! I don’t th-think….Atcheew Atshheeew Ah-SHEEW! I can sit here for…for…Ahhh-Atcsheeew! Hatscheew! Too long, S-Scott…” Knives said stuffily, struggling to talk through her sneezes. Her eyes and nose were growing redder by the second, and every breath she took made her nose and throat itch.

“Don’t worry, I’ll finish him as fast as I can.”

Knives nodded and watched the screen. While Scott worked his magic on the game, Knives sat silently aside from the profuse sneezing. She could barely see what was going on in between scratching at her itching eyes and wiping away the allergy-induced tears that had begun pouring from them. And in order to prevent her nose from overflowing over her entire face, she had to keep one sleeve wiping at it every few seconds. She desperately wanted to find some tissues to blow it, but she knew Scott would get irritated at her if she missed anything he thought was particularly awesome, and he usually thought every moment of his games was awesome.

The instant Scott finished the battle, which was pretty epic, she kissed him on the cheek as was their tradition for the conclusion of epic battles. Then she ran to the bedroom, desperate to have some relief from her allergies. Ordinarily she wouldn’t enter the bedroom before showering for risk of bringing any cat hair in with her, but she needed a breath of air that wouldn’t make her nose itch. And she desperately needed to clear that itch out. Reaching into her dresser, she grabbed a hankerchief decorated with a “rising sun” and blew hard into multiple times. She’d quickly realized that it was much cheaper to throw handkerchiefs into any given loud of laundry than buy tissues in bulk, and so had a wide variety in her drawer, most of them decorated with Japanese or videogame culture references.

As she proceeded to drench the handkerchief, she felt the itch in her nose grow bigger and bigger. This was a ritual she repeated at the end of every allergy attack: blowing her nose so hard would trigger a single final sneezing fit that almost completely cleared her nose and left her with a gigantic relief. She tilted her head back and waited for her breath to begin hitching. It did not take long.

“Haaah…hahh Ahhhh Ahh-Ahhhh-Tcheewww Ahh-Cheeww Hatcheeeww Ha-SHEEW!! Ahah-Ah…Ssheew Esheew Ehh-Sheeew Heh-Etcheew! Hah-Atcheeew! Ahh-Sheew Atscheew Ah-Ah-Ah-TCHEEWW!!!”

Knives wiped at her now beet-red nose with the wet handkerchief and then tossed it into her laundry hamper. She then began undressing, hoping that a steamy shower would clear the last of the tickle out of her nose.

Winner: Bubzy the Cat

Brutal Victory

Loser: Knives Chau (Alt.)

maki ya

Julie Powers vs [insert Name]

Ding-Ding!

The bell on the door to the flower shop signaled the entry of a customer, and Julie groaned. Out of all the places she worked, her least favorite was her job as a cashier for a flower store. The pay wasn’t bad, and her boss generally spent all his time ignoring her and tending to the flowers, but her allergies made it impossible to work there comfortably. Normally she wasn’t that sensitive to pollen, but here she was surrounded by it. And her allergy medication was only strong enough to keep her from sneezing her brains out for a couple hours, and didn’t keep her nose and eyes from itching like mad during those few hours. Which is why she only worked three-hour shifts, so the instant her meds started wearing off she would be off duty. It was somewhat inconvenient, but she needed the money.

“Hey, welcome, browse all you like, let me know if you can’t find anything.” She said to the customer in her usual monotone, barely even glancing away from the magazine she was reading. A nasally laugh caught her attention, though, and she looked up, wincing.

“Nyah hah hah hah hah! Julie Powers, today I will have my revenge on you!”

The skinny, darkhaired young man pointed at her dramatically, his bony finger jutting out from inside the sleeve of his oversized brown trenchcoat. Julie looked at him expressionlessly.

“Do I know you?”

He gasped in shock. “You…you you you YOU DON’T REMEMBER ME?”

“No, you idiot. Why would I have asked if I remembered you?” Julie had little patience for anyone, customer or not, and this guy looked like he was going to be especially annoying.

“You used to pick on me like every day in first grade! You threw pinecones at me and called me names and…”

“I did all of those things to a lot of people. I still do all of those things to a lot of people. What’s your point?” Julie looked at the clock and was glad to see she only had a few minutes left on her shift. She wouldn’t have to deal with this guy for long.

“My point is that I’m here to exact my revenge! I’ve been observing you for quite some time, Julie, and I’ve figured out the perfect way to punish you. I promise you that before the next hour is up you’re going to regret having ever met me!”

“I already regret having ever met you. Fortunately my shift ends in a couple minutes, and my next job doesn’t start for another hour, which should be plenty of time to kick your…”

“Hey Julie!” her boss called from the back of the store. “Amy called in sick. I need you to cover until I can get someone else in here. Shouldn’t be more than half an hour.”

All color drained from Julie’s face. Her allergy meds would start losing their strength rapidly soon. But she couldn’t leave now, it was policy to cover for absent workers for as long as possible, and her boss was strict about the rules. If she left she could be fired, and she needed this job. On the other hand…

“Ahh…Ahhhhh Ah Ah-Atschhhh! Hatsshhh! Ah-Atschhhh Atshooo! Hah….Ha-SHOOO!!” Julie wiped her nose on her sleeve and could tell from the smug grin on the boy’s face that this is exactly what he’d planned. He didn’t want a real fight, he just wanted to torture her, like she did him.

“You know, I hah-hadn’t recognized y-you…HATSCHOOOO! At first. But that irritating smirk made it…ahhhh…click form me. Ah-Atschhhh!”

“So, you see why I am here to take revenge then, Julie Powers? You waged a campaign of violence against me for like, three weeks!”

“Yeah, and then I got bored of you. Ahhh…Ah-Tschhh Ah-Tshooo! Ahhh-Tschhhhh! Get over yourself, man. You’re just…Hahtschhhh! one name on a long list…Etschhhhh! Of boys who had the misfortune of pissing me off.”

“All the more proof that you need to get what’s coming to you, you man-hating harpy!”

Julie’s allergies were starting to kick into high gear. Her reddening eyes were teared up, and every breath she took through her itchy nose tickled it, making her want to sneeze. She couldn’t say three words without having to sniffle or wipe her nose on her sleeve, and all the space on it was quickly becoming used up. And yet she still remembered her old foe’s biggest sore spot.

“At least my parents gave me a name.”

“Hey! Low blow.” The nameless guy clenched his fists, and for a moment Julie had a brief hope that he would try to start a fight with her so she could kick his ass out of there and maybe use it as an excuse to end her shift early. But he quickly regained his composure. “No…No I won’t let you take my revenge from me that easily. You are going to endure every second of misery I have time to inflict on you.” He then picked up two large flowers and said loudly enough that the manager in the back was sure to hear him, “Excuse me miss, but which of these two flowers do you think smells better?”

Julie cringed as he brought the flowers up to the counter and held them up to Julie’s face. Of course he had chosen two with thick concentrations of pollen, and before she could pull back he gave them a hard shake, sending a small cloud of the golden spores towards her.

“Ahh-Ah-Tschhh Ah-Tschhh Atschhhh ATSCHOOO!! Hatschhh Hah-Atschhh Ashhoo! Ahh-Atschhh! Hah-Ha-Hahhh….Hatschhh Hatschhh Hatchhhooo!! Haaaaah-Tschhh! Ahhh-Tschhh! Ahhh-Ahh-Ah-Tschooo Hetschooo Hahhh-SHOOO!”

Ding-Ding!

As Juli continued sneezing uncontrollably, rubbing at her streaming nose and eyes with her sleeves that were already soaked-through, she heard a familiar voice come from the front of the store.

“Hey Julie, glad I caught you before your shift ended. I wanted to get Ramona some flowers for our first month anniversary, and I was hoping you could help me pick some out.”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to wait, mister. Julie is helping me at the moment.”

“Dude, come on, it’ll take like three second. Besides I know her.”

Through blurry vision, Julie saw Scott step in front of the nameless guy. When he grabbed Scott’s shoulder, Scott shoved him back so forcefully that he fell to the ground. Upon impact, he exploded and turned into a single coin.

“Whoops! I did not mean to do that. Shoot, that guy must’ve been insanely week. Who was he?”

“Atschhhh! Hatschhh! Hah-ahhhh-Atschooo!”

“Ah well, it’s not important. So listen, I was thinking about getting a bouquet that had all the colors her hair’s ever been since we first me. Does that sound romantic or lame?”

“Haah-Hah-Hatschhooo! Hah-Atschhhh Ah-Tschhh Ahhh-Ahh-AH-TSCHHHHOOOO!!!”

“Wow Julie, are you feeling okay? You’re sneezing an awful lot.”

“Alright Julie, I found someone else to take over. She’ll be here in a few minutes, you’re free to go. I’ll be sure to give you some overtime for covering.”

With that, Julie leapt over the counter and ran out of the store, shoving past Scott. Once outside she dashed off to the coffee shop where she worked until evening, hoping that she’d have enough time to clean herself up once she got there before her shift started.

Winner: Julie Powers

Split-Second Save!

Loser: [insert Name]

[Graham Cracked]

:DDDDD YES!!! Another SP sneezefic!! *is proud but feels as if thunder has been stolen* xD jk I love these!! I'd imagine Kim getting sick now would be her just not even caring if she sneezed on Scott. Awesome job! *fellow writer approval thumbs-up* ^^

[sauce]

If the world needs more of anything right now, it's Scott Pilgrim sneezefics. TRUFAX.

Heheehee's was awesome, this is awesome, and any other ones coming soon (HINT HINT) will also be awesome!

I think my fave so far out of these three is the Kim one. I am incredibly tempted to prod you for a Gideon one, but I'm not the kind to do a thing like -- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE -- wait, what was that?

LEVEL UP!

Multiple Story Bonus: +300

Hurt-Comfort Bonus: +100

"Bubsy The Bobcat" Reference Bonus: +1000

[Graham Cracked]

I think my fave so far out of these three is the Kim one. I am incredibly tempted to prod you for a Gideon one, but I'm not the kind to do a thing like -- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE -- wait, what was that?

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! *prods anyway* I was about to ask the same thing, if not attempt to interlude it into my story/write another one for that. :DDDDDD *is an extreme Gideon Graves/Jason Schwartzman fangirl*

[Winterloverman]

Like it

[Alexandria]

absolutley love this story, Especiall sice its scott pilgrim. i was wondering if u were gonna makeone where ramona's sick cause i would beyond love that!

[sauce]

I think my fave so far out of these three is the Kim one. I am incredibly tempted to prod you for a Gideon one, but I'm not the kind to do a thing like -- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE -- wait, what was that?

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! *prods anyway* I was about to ask the same thing, if not attempt to interlude it into my story/write another one for that. :DDDDDD *is an extreme Gideon Graves/Jason Schwartzman fangirl*

HOMYGOD. I was actually gonna ask you to shoehorn it into your fic, but then I thought "Nah, she probably hates Gideon."

DAMN YOU GIDEON GRAVES! I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO HATE YOU BUT...BUT...AAAAAA

[Pilgrim]

Oh hey, I forgot one. Whoops. Thanks for all the kind words, folks. Glad to see there are other people who enjoy this fandom

Ramona Flowers vs Nega Ramona

“Wake up, Ramona. Wake up.”

Ramona slowly opened her eyes. She had just had a truly bizarre dream: a black and white-colored copy of herself, like a living photo negative, had emerged through the subspace in Scott’s head while they were sleeping, kidnapped her, and taken her back to a gloomy world that looked like her home neighborhood in New York colored only black and white. She was glad to be awake and back in reality.

“I said WAKE UP!”

When she opened her eyes she saw the monochrome version of herself looking down at her, along with black and white colored versions of all seven of her exes. They all had malevolent grins on their faces, and the instant she discovered she was tied down to her seat, she knew she was in serious trouble. However, she wasn’t worried.

“Scott will come for me, you know.”

“Oh, we’re counting on it.” The other Ramona hissed. “That loser boyfriend of yours needs to pay just as much as you do. Together you ruined seven lives that could’ve done great things together. Me and my League of Evil Boyfriends have a high standing in Nega New York, and we aren’t at all pleased with what you’ve done to our reputations. Your total embarrassment of our counterparts has inspired a whole slew of up-and-coming gangs to try to take our title.”

“Wait. You have seven boyfriends? At the same time? How the heck does that work?”

“Seven boyfriends, seven days in a week. Do the math.”

“Wow. And they used to call me slutty…”

“Heh, and you used to think you were getting laid plenty often enough.” Nega Ramona smiled and gestured towards a large gameshow-style wheel with the names of all her boyfriends in large block lettering on the spaces. “Each of my dear boys has come up with a personalized torture to subject you to. Once they’re all through with you and you’re begging for mercy, I’ll finish you off right in front of your beloved boyfriend. Ready?”

Ramona watched the wheel spin with a fair amount of anxiety. However, when the wheel landed on Nega Roxie’s name and she removed the space with her name to reveal the torture she’d written beneath it, she relaxed considerably.

“A sneezing attack?” Nega Ramona was incensed. “How is that torture?”

“Yeah that’s really more, like, mild irritation.” Nega Lucas said. Nega Roxie flushed.

“Hey, it’s not gonna be just sneezing! I’m going to make her have to sneeze really badly but then not let her and...and stuff like that.”

“That still just sounds like it’d be really annoying. I mean, that’s not even painful, right?” Nega Matthew raised an eyebrow at her.

“Yeah that’s definitely happened to me before, like a stuck sneeze? It was aggravating sure, but it didn’t hurt or anything.” Nega Todd answered. Nega Roxie threw up her hands.

“Shut up all of you, this is my torture and I’m doing it my way.” She moved closer to Ramona holding a long feather. Ramona just smirked at her. “You won’t be so smug in a little bit, missy!” The blond ninja began vigorously working the feather around Ramona’s nostrils. The sudden tickling immediately induced three sneezes from her.

“Hah-Hatchhht! Ahh…Ah-Shhheew! Atschhh!”

Nega Roxie smiled mischievously. She pulled a small sack out of her pocket and began sprinkling its red powdery contents over Ramona’s face. The subspace traveler felt her entire face begin to itch, particularly her nose, and being unable to scratch at it she began involuntarily twitching all over.

“Ah…Ah…Atschhheeeewww! Ahhh…Atschhh! Hatschhhh! Hasch! Hah-ahhhh-Chschhh! Ahh…Ahhhhh…ah-Haaaaaaaah-“

Just as Ramona was winding up for further sneezing, Nega Roxie placed a single finger underneath her nose, stopping it cold. Ramona swallowed in surprise, and though the itch in her nose lightened up she still felt it in the back of her sinuses. Nega Roxie removed her finger and began gently brushing the feather back and forth across the bridge of her captive’s nose. The resulting tickle was enough to aggravate the itch, but not enough to actually coax any sneezing out of it. The powder had made her face feel extra sensitive, and the slightest touch of the feather sent spasms through it. Nega Roxie continued stroking the feather back and forth, apparently relishing each itchy, uncomfortable twitch. Then she moved the feather down to Ramona’s nostrils, circling them while just barely touching them, and Ramona’s breathing began getting steadily shallower as the itch in the back of her nose began to spread out.

“Aha-hah…ahhhh…ahh-ah…ahhhh….Ahhhhh…”

Suddenly without warning, Nega Roxie pulled the feather back altogether. After waiting just long enough for Ramona’s breathing to return to normal, she started in with the feather again, tickling the edge of her nostrils. After so much harassment, Ramona’s nose was extra-sensitive and the itchy feeling returned in full force after mere seconds, but Nega Roxie let up again before Ramona got out a single sneeze. After this was repeated several times, she felt like her nose had a tiny ant colony running around inside; tickles and itches spreading out through her sinuses. She writhed beneath her bonds, unable to control herself. The itching was unbearable. She couldn’t remember a single time she’d needed to sneeze even a tenth as badly as she did now. As she twitched her nose back and forth she alternated between sniffling and taking shallow, shuddery breaths, the feather hovering back and forth over her nose all the while.

“See? Look at how uncomfortable she is! I told you this would be torturous enough!”

“Roxie, you’re an idiot. Ramona, sweetie, can she be out of time yet?”

Nega-Ramona looked at Nega Gideon’s pleading expression and grinned. “Alright. Roxie you’re finished. It’s time a real man took on this job.”

“Not so fast, crazy lady!”

Everyone in the room turned to face Scott Pilgrim, who had just burst into the room. Nega Ramona’s eyes narrowed with fury. “Well well well, if it isn’t our captive whore’s little knight. You really think you can beat the League of Evil Boyfriends alone, kiddo? You’ve played right into our hands, just like I knew you would. Roxie, you got first crack at Ramona, so you get the first one at him. Sic’em!”

The instant Nega Roxie took a step towards Scott, a reddish blur intercepted her. Kim Pine appeared like a lightning flash from behind Scott, her drumsticks in hand.

“Not so fast there, honey. I’ve got this new song you just have to hear.”

As Kim beat the snot out of Nega Roxie with a drum solo applied directly to her face, Nega Ramona recoiled in shock. Scott grinned. “Actually I figured after plowing through all your minions I might be a little worn down, so I brought some back-up. Hope that doesn’t totally bone your plans or anything.”

“Alright, so you brought a friend. No matter, we can do two on two just as well. Katayanagi Twins…”

She turned around just in time to see the two brothers fall face-first to the ground as Knives Chau stood behind them, her arms folded and a smug expression on her face.

“Uhhh…Matthew?”

“SHORYUKEN!”

Stephen Stills crashed through a window and delivered a flaming uppercut to his target, sending him hurtling up through the roof.

“Oh man, Lucas you have to…OH COME ON!”

Name: Wallace Wells

Status: Makin’ Out

Name: Nega Lucas

Status: <3 <3 <3

“Okay, Gideon, it looks like it’s just you and me.”

“The hell it is! No chick’s worth this much hassle. I’m outta here!”

*Nega Gideon fled! (he appeared to be caught)*

“W-well…Fine! I’ll take you all on myself. Let’s dance, Pilgrim!”

“Actually, I’m not the Pilgrim here to fight you.”

“Wait, what?”

Nega Ramona felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned and was met with a devastating punch from Nega Scott, disintegrating her into a flurry of coins. After fist-pounding his counterpart in victory, Scott went over to Ramona and freed her.

“Hey, are you okay?”

As soon as she could move Ramona shoved past him and scooped up the feather Nega Roxie had dropped before being defeated. She ran it rapidly over her nose, exacerbating the insane itch she’d been suffering through until…

“HATASCHHHHH!! Hatchhh Hatchheeew Atschhh Hah-Atschhh Ah-Schhhh! Hah-ah-ah-ahhhh-Schhhh Aschhh Ah-Schhh! Hetschhh! Ah…Ahhh-TSCHHHHH!! Ahh-Etschhh Hah-Etschhh Etschheew Eheh-Tschhh! Hah-ha-ha-HATSCHHEEWW!”

After the fit was through she turned to her boyfriend, eyes and nose running and red, and sniffly replied “Yeah, I’m okay. Let’s go.”

Winner: Ramona Flowers

Team Attack For The Win!

Loser: Nega Ramona

[john_kimble]

I just found this story and it is great! Nice job!

[Buford]

Scott Pilgrim and sneezing, what could go wrong? Oh right, male sneezes. But since it's not the case...Awesome job!

I also liked the fact that Scott appears as a comic relief in every story.