A Deathly Sneeze

[Vetinari]

Background...

Death has taken on an apprentice and with his new-found freedom, he begins to get caught up in human affairs. Gradually he becomes more and more fascinated by what it feels like to be human and starts to explore how it feels to ..... well .... to feel. At the point at which this story begins, Death is working as a cook in the kitchen of Harga’s House of Ribs...

“HHGRRRRAASSSSHHHHAaah!” said Harga.

It was a strange noise, thought Death. One filled with sibilance and consonants and a whole lot of spray. And for some reason, whenever Harga made the noise, whatever he was doing, he stopped in his tracks and waited until it was over before carrying on with his work. There was invariably a strange expression on his face as he moved on as well. Death gave some consideration to his new-found understanding of the human condition. Satisfaction he thought to himself and nodded. Definitely the expression was one of satisfaction.

Standing in the kitchen, a contented grin splitting his face, Harga inspected the food on the plate he was carrying. Despite despite the thickness of the grease that covered it, some of the items were definitely shinier than they had been a moment before. With surprising delicacy, he removed a small green string of mucus that was decorating the yolk of one of the three fried eggs, wiping it onto his vest before striding out through the narrow doorway and placing the full platter in front of one of his more regular clients.

“HHGRRRRAASSSSHHHHAaah!” said Death experimentally. He didn’t feel any different.

“HHGRRRRAASSSSHHHHAaah!” he tried again. It didn’t quite work. There was definitely something about it that was different when Harga had done it. Despite his supreme aptitude for imitation, the whole thing seemed too ..... well too controlled.

“Bless you!” said Harga, flinging open the swing doors.

“SORRY?”

“Bless you! “

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND.”

“You sneezed didn’t you? Are you allergic to cats as well?” Harga nodded towards the dozen or so neighbourhood cats that were milling around the kitchen, attracted in by the strategically placed bowls of milk and meat that Death had planted around the room.

“SORRY?” said Death. “WHAT IS THIS ....... ALLERGIC ...... THING OF WHICH YOU SPEAK?”

“You know,” said Harga. “When cats make you sneeze. ..... You know, hatishoo and all that....” he went on, feeling that some odd sense of confusion was attached to the situation but without really wanting examine the reasons why more closely.

“I am!” he went on.

“YOU ARE ..... WHAT?”

“Allergic to cats. I only have to look at a cat to start sneezing.”

“OH.” said Death.

He watched closely as Harga’s eyes took on a glazed look and he began inhaling, rather jerkily to begin with and then in one long final breath before “HRRRRRRRRRASSSHHHHAaaaa!” There was that satisfied look again. “See?” said Harga, giving Death a friendly nod. “It’s their fur you know. It gets in my nose.”

Death was, if anything more puzzled. If looking at cats made Harga sneeze, what did that have to do with fur and Harga’s nose? It was a mystery, he thought, and one he wanted to understand better. Harga just shrugged. “We need another egg, soss and spam with chips,” he announced and with ultimate patience, Death turned back to his frying pan.

TBC

[VoOs]

Hahaha! Oh, I love Pratchett's Death. Great stuff. <3

"TBC" ... <---- This makes me happy!

[murphy dee]

Oh that was funny!! Never read Discworld, but it's always been on my "to-read" list. I like how Death speaks in CAPS - it made me hear this huge, booming voice in my head, which made everything he said all the more hillarious. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND." Hahahaha...I nearly woke up my napping boyfriend.

[doggo]

I haven't read these books but this is funny!

[Shay]

Hehe, this is awesome. I love Discworld and I've always found Death to be rather amusing. Can't wait to read more.

[count tiszula]

Excellent stuff! Clearly I must get reading Sir Terence's oeuvre. Can't wait till Death starts inducing.....

[SweaterWeather]

Wow, the first part is so interesting. Can not wait for part two! Hmm I will have to read Discworld one of these days, it sounds really interesting. *grumbles at the lack of time due to school*

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Hahaha! Oh, I love Pratchett's Death. Great stuff. <3

"TBC" ... <---- This makes me happy!

*agrees with VoOs*

DEATH is my absolute favourite character from the Discworld series and I think you've captured him and the effect he has an others so awesomely.

*can totally picture him being all confused over a sneeze* Can't wait to read more.

[Vetinari]

VoOs, I love Death too. Definitely TBC

Murphy D., I'm glad you liked it. Death's voice is described early in the book as being "like lead slabs being dropped on granite" and it is supposed to arrive in your head without having to pass through your ears so I think you had the right impression.

Thanks pig, I hope it continues to be funny, I found this part harder ....

I'm glad you enjoyed it Shayla, and that you like Discworld too.

Count .... I suspect the eggs would be right up your street and you'd definitely get more of the historical and language jokes than I do.

Grey on a Sunday .... you could always read Wyrd Sisters and write a book report comparing it to Macbeth. I'm sure your teachers would be impressed.

And thanks Sigrith, I like the way Death gets confused about things. Maybe finally he'll understand .... but lets face it, probably not.

Thanks very much to you all.

A little bit more background. There are slight spoilers here if you want to read Mort but I don't think they would really spoil anyone's enjoyment of the book significantly. This takes place in Death's realm in the library where naturally there are only biographies. Mort is the boy he has taken on as his apprentice, Ysabell is his (adopted) daughter and has lived in Death's realm for many years but is still only sixteen. Albert is Death's servant.

Second bite ....

Death stalked through the library, stopping now and then to listen. The silence during those pauses was such that he could hear the faint scritching of the biographies as they wrote themselves. It was rare for Death to enter the library, but Albert had said that Mort was in here somewhere, and Death knew that Albert was usually right about most things. After some time, he reached the far end and found himself at the door that led down into the area he called The Stack. Down in its depths the oldest biographies were kept; those which were more than five hundred years old. The hinges of the door groaned as he pulled it open. Clicking over the threshold, he started down the staircase that led into the velvet gloom. There was no sound from the biographies down here. Their owners were long dead and the books themselves were decorated with cobwebs and a layer of dust. Death heard a faint giggle which sounded as if it came from much further in. He paced forwards, heading in the direction from which the sound had come......

**************************

“Here,” said Mort, grinning widely. “This one’s about a knight who accidentally set himself on fire when a flaming arrow he was trying to loose got tangled in his beard.”

“Golly,” said Ysabell. “Did he die from his burn wounds?”

“No,” said Mort reading on. "He threw himself into the moat of his castle .... only he forgot to take off his armour and drowned.”

Ysabell giggled again. She had been reading the biographies for years but it had certainly become more fun now that she had someone to look at them with.

“Ooh!” went on Mort having opened another book. His eyes were wide. “This fellow is .... well.... with .... um..... ” he stood with his eyes glued to the page. Even by the light of the candle, Ysabell could see the red hot flush that was suffusing his face.

“What?” she demanded, moving to his side, and beginning to read, her own eyes widening as she caught sight of the commentary.

Death strode round the corner, his heels clicking on the stone floor. Mort slammed the book shut and whirled round, trying to shove it back onto the shelf. He might have managed this better had he chosen a shelf with some kind of gap but despite the odds, he kept at it with dogged determination for a few minutes before his shoulders sagged and he turned to face his master expecting some kind of reprimand. Instead of finding Death’s cold gaze upon him however, he found that Death’s attention was upon Ysabell. He turned to see why.

Ysabell appeared to be battling with a sneeze. Mort watched with some fascination. There were definite signs that it was a battle she wasn’t going to win. Despite the fact that he didn’t usually think about her in those terms, Mort had to admit that there was something compelling about the way her bosom was heaving up and down inside the bodice of her rather low cut dress. He had been intrigued too, ever since he met her, by her use of the tiny white lacy handkerchiefs she seemed so fond of. It had always seemed to him that they must be rather impractical as protection during a really good sneeze, however it seemed from the current situation, (Ysabell was clutching the handkerchief right next to that heaving bosom and nowhere near her face), that Ysabell had a rather different understanding of the proper use of a handkerchief from the one his father had taught him.

“HiiCHEW!” Mort could see a cloud of droplets in the candle light as Ysabell gave way to a full bodied, completely unrestrained sneeze onto her chest. Recovering herself, she daintily lifted the handkerchief and dabbed at her nose. Noting, a moment later the direction of Mort’s eyes and his air of distraction, she sniffed rather deliberately at the dusty air, trying to find some stimulus. After all, despite the preponderance of knees and freckles, Mort was the only male with whom she had any kind of close contact. A moment later, the dust and the sniffing had done its job and with some satisfaction, Ysabell, once more holding her handkerchief demurely at her breast, began rather triumphantly to breathe deeply in and out as the tickle in her nose became more insistent.

Oblivious to the intimacies of the scene that was unfolding before him, Death looked around in some confusion for the presence of a cat. Obviously there couldn’t be such a thing down here but ... he began patting at his black robes. His liking for cats had often led him to carry around an odd kitten or two that he had come across in his line of work. Due to the morphogenetic field they did continue to have the appearance of ... well of cats, even after .... well ..... . He wondered for a moment whether one could have escaped but after a moment’s consideration, he came up with a blank. No cats this time then, but the movement he had observed, that sound, and the satisfied look. They had been the same as Harga surely?

“HiiiiTCHEW!” Ysabell’s sneeze was even higher pitched than before.

Mort, who was trying without success to remove his eyes from her chest and his chin from the floor managed a rather strangled, “God bless you!”

Death thought about this for a moment before addressing Mort.

“WHICH ONE?” he asked.

“Which what?” Mort managed without looking round.

“WHICH GOD?”

Mort tried to shake his head in confusion but found it difficult. His eyes were glued to Ysabell’s bosom which by now was looking distinctly damp and was heaving yet again.

“umm sorry ... which God?”

“Ha’CHHEW!”

Mort groaned and dragged his gaze round towards his master. “WhaddayoumeanwhichGod?” he managed.

“YOU INVOKED THE BLESSING OF A GOD UPON MY DAUGHTER.”

“Ah!”

“NOT THAT THE GODS HAVE ANY POWER HERE OF COURSE.” he added.

“Of course!”

“REGARDLESS, I FEEL IT IS INCUMBENT UPON ME TO UNDERSTAND WHICH DEITY YOU WISHED TO INVOKE.”

“Oh, I see!” said Mort thoughtfully. “Well I’ve always assumed the God was Nares Alatae...." and then as Death continued to stare, " But I wasn't really trying to invoke anything,m it’s just something you say when someone sneezes.”

Death thought for a moment. “THIS SNEEZING THEN. WHAT DOES THAT ENTAIL?”

“Well it happens when something tickles your nose.”

“CAN LOOKING AT A CAT HAVE THIS EFFECT?”

“Ummmmm...... I don't think so really,” said Mort carefully, wondering where all this was going.

“AND YSABELL? WHAT CAUSED THIS .... .TICKLE?”

Ysabell sniffed loudly. It was one thing to have her father distracting Mort from .... well from his previous distraction, but it was quite another for them to stand and talk about her as if she wasn't there. “It was the dust.” she announced.

“DUST?”

“Yes dust. I’ve read about other things that can cause sneezing in the biographies though, dust isn’t the only thing. Sometimes people do it from looking at the sun .... well presumably until they go blind. And then there are these things you can catch called colds. People get them from too much weather and then they sneeze at each other and talk about nothing but chicken soup for days.”

“We had colds back up in the Ramtops in Winter,” said Mort reminiscently. “When the Whiplash Winds came in January. But the worst thing back there were the allergies." He sighed. "The reannuals will just about be deflowering now....”

Death's attention was suddenly riveted upon him. “TAKE ME THERE BOY. I WANT TO KNOW MORE OF THESE ALLERGIES.”

“Mort,” said Mort automatically, and then “but they’re not..... it’s not” he trailed off. Death was stalking away from him and it was obvious that he wasn’t listening. Mort subsided and followed his master in the direction of the stables. It would all sort itself out eventually he was sure.

TBC

[Shay]

I really enjoyed this part too. Can't see what happens next when they go to the Ramtops.

[LeapYearKisses]

Oh, this is exciting! XD I haven't read Discworld in so long, but this making me want to start up again. I love your Ysabel! And poor Mort, who has be drawn away from his distraction. XD

Can't wait for more! It's quite excellent so far!

[count tiszula]

Aaah! There's always something extra special about a library scene in fantastical literature! Golly, what a thought; it almost calls for an anthology or something...

Beatae Nares Alatae, benedic nobis et aufer omne animal e Laribus et Penatibus nostris.............

[murphy dee]

Haha, I liked this recent part! Death seems hellbent on figuring this stuff out.

And "WHICH GOD?", oh jeez, I laughed so hard!

[SweaterWeather]

Oh how curious death is. I can't wait to read what happens next!

[swann_ee_song]

This was the best part so far!! I cannot wait for more!

It's so very much in Pratchett's style. And DEATH of course, is one of my favourite characters. And I love how you describe Ysabell's sneezes. And the ohsoawkward relationship between her and Mort.

[TheCakeIsAlive]

*giggles* That part was brilliant! Lovely DEATH. I do wonder what'll happen if they go to the Ramptop hills.

Ysabell does know how to use her sneezes to her advantage doesn't she? Poor distracted Mort.

[Vetinari]

Well sorry for the delay. It was due to holidays and children and the complication of having to make sure everything is in place for the ongoing plot .... well actually no. It was really down to the sheer lazy emptiness of my life and a bout of prolonged procrastination. Must do better next time!

Thank you so much to Shayla, LeapYearKisses, count de tisza, MurphyD, Grey on a Sunday, swann_ee_song and Sigrith for your encouragement. I hope you enjoy the next part.

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND.”

Mort could feel the sense of relief beginning again. He stood there, trying to enjoy it for as long as he could. A tiny liquid drop started up from the ground and leaped to his jawbone before making its way gradually up his cheek towards his eye. He braced himself for what he knew was on its way.

“!HHHHHHCSS’haa” the inhalation was so fast as to be almost painful, and he almost thought he was going to swallow his tongue as it got in the way. The silent exhalation at the end gave no relief, but only resulted in widely flaring nostrils and an intense irritation in his nose, which he knew he must endure until it faded. It did within a moment or two, but he could tell by the sense of relief that was setting in that more were on the way. Another tear began to wend its way up his cheek.

“It’s because ... !HHHHHHCTSS’hu ..... of the reannuals,” he said, wearily rubbing hard at the intense itch that was pervading his nostrils again.

It should be explained at this point that reannual crops are almost unique to this area of the Ramtops and can only be grown due to the intensity of the magical field. Unlike normal crops, the seeds planted this year in spring have already been harvested last year. Regular drinkers of reannual wine can tell from the intensity of the headache and nausea, just what a good night they are about to have. Some people say that resisting the urge to drink when you have already experienced the hangover is a dangerous activity which might result in a catastrophic rearranging of time and space and causality. Then again, some people will say anything. Especially when a good night out is at stake.

“Reannual allergies aren’t the same as normal allergies,” continued Mort, desperately trying not to rub away the three large teardrops that had appeared and were making their way back up to his eyes. “Everything is ....ihhhh ......,” he rubbed his nose hard ......haaaa.... everything is backwards you see.”

“SO YOU DO NOT ENJOY THIS FORM OF SNEEZING?”

“Not really,” managed Mort whose nose was still feeling irritated from the false start he had just experienced.

“For goodness, sake, let’s get him out of here,” said Ysabell, watching sympathetically as the signs of another backwards sneeze began rather obviously to build. Why don’t we go and consult a wizard or something? Perhaps they’ll be able to explain.”

“!HHHHHCCT’hih” Mort rubbed his nose hard and then stopped suddenly as the itch miraculously disappeared and normality returned. He looked gratefully at Ysabell as the three of them mounted Binky and then they were flying across the sky.

***************

“HrrrPBbbbbLURR!”

Mort stared at the doorknocker which was large and made of iron and very ugly. It stared back at him and waggled its eyebrows.

“Exsthcuthe me!” it said indistinctly through its mouthful of wrought iron ring. “I alwaysth fneeze at thiff time of day. It’f the fun you fee.”

“The fun?”

“Yeff the fun. It’f at a low angle in the fky,” The heavy eyebrows of the gargoyle began to descend and the iron nose began to twitch and Mort, Ysabell and Death all stepped back as the knocker sneezed loudly once more. “Forry,” it said. “I can’t cover you fee ..... Well exfept for the ring of courfe.” Ysabell gave the knocker a glare but it only winked back at her and leered as she stepped up and grabbed the ring, banging it hard against the wood of the door. “Oooh” said the knocker in a taunting voice. “fTreat me rough. I like it vat way, it ticklef my nofe more.” Sniffing loudly it was beginning to build up to another sneeze when the door swung open and a hooded figure was revealed.

“Igneous Cutwell at your service,” the voice intoned, “Holder of the Eight Keys, Traveller in the Dungeon Dimensions, Supreme Mage of the .....”

“rrrrrrrFFFFFFFRAAAaa!” sneezed the knocker loudly.

“Oh for goodness sake, is it that time of day again?” groaned the hooded figure in a more normal voice. “I do wish you’d give me a warning or something.”

“I can’t fhelp it,” said the doorknocker sulkily.

Throwing the hood back to reveal his rather chubby face the wizard stepped back from the door and gestured for the three figures on his doorstep to come inside.

***************

“So the problem is that you want to know what it feels like to sneeze?” said Cutwell, a good while later.

“YES.”

“But you don’t know how to sneeze?”

“YES.”

“Have you tried, you know .... “

“YES?”

“Well just tickling your nose with something?”

Death stared at him.

“IT ISN’T NECESSARY TO HAVE A CAT?”

“Not really no.”

“OR SOME PLANTS?”

“Nope.”

“OR THE SUNSHINE?”

Cutwell shook his head and smiled brightly. “When I want to sneeze I usually just tickle my nose with my quill.” He held up a long feather which was largely quite unruffled, with the exception of a rather dishevelled, slightly damp looking section, right at the tip. “Watch this!”

Death watched with interest, Ysabell and Mort with .... well with a slightly different feeling, as the good-humoured face of the wizard acquired a slightly greedy glazed look as the tip of the feather lightly touched the edge of the rather round nostrils.

“Uuuuuuuuuuh!...” a sound rather reminiscent of an ecstatic groan escaped as the feather tip began to explore the internal parts of Cutwells nose and he sat with closed eyes and a half smile before his breathing began to become more ragged. A more experienced observer might have wondered rather at the time it took between the first ragged breaths and the actual explosion. Anyone who has tried such an experiment, might have felt suspicion, as the feather withdrew slightly and Cutwell’s breathing smoothed out before gently tickling some more that perhaps the wizard was enjoying this moment, and was dragging it out perhaps rather more than was strictly necessary. Nevertheless, after a few minutes of intense tickling, it became obvious that the point of no return had been reached and the wizard let out a sharp “HrrrrSSHHHHHA!” He sniffed wetly and sat for a moment with a rapturous look on his face before opening his eyes. He saw the three sitting round and watching with a look of surprise, almost as if he had forgotten their presence.“Oh!” he said, and shook his head a little. “I do love a good sneeze!”

“You don’t say!” muttered Mort under his breath to Ysabell who rolled her eyes.

“What was that boy?” the wizard snapped out.

“Mort!” corrected Mort.”

“And it was nothing.” he added sourly rolling his eyes.

Cutwell stood up and walked over to where Death was sitting. Ysabell rather ostentatiously pulled her dress out of the way of his rather grubby robe as he passed her. “Now,” he said with what sounded definitely like relish* lets have a look.” He sat down next to Death and inspected the grinning face. “I guess we should maybe try here...” he inserted the obviously damp end of the feather into the bony nostril hole on the left side. Had he been less intent on the process, he might have caught the twin looks of disgust that were currently gracing the faces of Mort and Ysabell. Not that it would have made any difference as clearly he was enjoying himself far too much to bother with any of that. Nonetheless both of them continued to look on with a rather nauseous horrow as he moved the still damp feather around and into the right nostril space. He continued for a good few minutes before saying in a still rather hopeful tone, “Not feeling any sneeziness yet?”

“NO.”

The tickling continued with increasing intensity until finally almost all of the quill had disappeared into the nasal cavity. “Still nothing?” the voice held the definite beginnings of intense disappointment.

“NO.”

“Oh.” Cutwell subsided. He withdrew the feather, looked at it sadly and slunk back to the couch. “Maybe you’ve just got one of those noses that isn’t easily .... stimulated.” He looked defeated for a few moments but then a thought crossed his mind and he said with a voice that held a definite undertone of greed....“Maybe .....” he said. “Maybe it would help if you could catch a cold or something!”

"WOULD CATCHING A COLD HELP ME TO SNEEZE MORE EASILY?"

"Oh yes, definitely. And even if it isn't a sneezy cold, I can try tickling again when things are a little more .... well stimulated."

“AND HOW WOULD I CATCH ONE?”

“Oh well,” said Cutwell brightly. “Perhaps I can help with that!”

*Possibly the Ankh-Morpork Vineyard Relish which is syrupy and warm with definite spicy overtones, although this could of course refer to Patum Peperium, otherwise known as Gentleman's Relish which is widely eaten on the plains of Sto Lat.

TBC

[VoOs]

Backwards sneezing... Oh, now I've read everything. Too funny. Lovely update!

[Shay]

Wow that was really interesting. I never would have thought of backward sneezing, but it makes perfect sense with the reannuals. Not sure I'd ever want to experience backward sneezing myself though, it actually seems like it might be somewhat painful. Anyway I really did enjoy reading that and am looking forward to more.

[doggo]

Haha! This s so good you know. I laughed out loud several times, especially with the utterly bizarre inducing scene. Can't wait to see where this is going though

[count tiszula]

Absolutely fabbo and custard! The backwards sneezing is so good; I wonder if he's going to realise at some stage that he needs to blow his nose backwards too.....

I forgot to mention before how much I approve of Ysabell's hankie use, viz, waving a lacy fetish object to draw attention to her sneeziness. I expect she will soon see the benefits of the feather method....

[doggo]

Absolutely fabbo and custard! The backwards sneezing is so good; I wonder if he's going to realise at some stage that he needs to blow his nose backwards too.....

TOO COOL.

Ahem. Really.